The slow death of a valued friendship... can it be rescucitated?

[Kengne]

*VENT*

 

I had been very close & good friends with a guy named J, for the past 5 years. We met in university, and then a year or so later J moved to the US for school.

 

We kept in frequent touch over the years even though our friendship was long-distance. J was a great source of support for me during some very rocky periods in my life, esp my turbulent rel'ship w my then bf (now ex-bf) of 4 yrs. I can honestly say J was always there for me, probably more so than I was for him because IMO - J never really had problems.

 

I broke up with my bf M in Feb 2005, and IMO my friendship with J blossomed because our friendship became more balanced. I felt that I took more of an interest in J, his life & his problems. I made an effort to sincerely listen to (and not just hear him) when we talked. I gave more of myself, and took less from him. Basically, I tried to be a better friend than I'd been past. J and I actually discussed this a few times, and even he noted how much our friendship had changed & improved for the better. I even met my current bf R around that time, but IMO it did not affect my friendship w J like how my rel'ship w my ex-bf M had. Our friendship was stable.

 

So much so... that I even went to visit J in the US for the first time last Dec (as he used to always come up to Canada to see me & his other friends). I flew down there, stayed at his place for a week and it was simply amazing. We had tons of fun, and I felt like our friendship was finally on the right track. I felt better about our friendship last Dec than I had in the past 4 years.

 

So imagine my surprise when I come back... and things changed drastically & suddenly - for the worse.

 

I can't remember exactly what happened, but I remember J sending me an email one day about him being tired of ppl shytting on him and leaving him to deal with their mess. Naturally I was offended because I felt he was making a personal attack against me and our friendship which IMO had changed for the better. I emailed J back, upset, and he clarified that he hadn't intended it for me... but was just talking abt ppl in general and mentioned some other female friends he had that only seemed to call him when they had problems.

 

J then informed me (not in these exact words, but this was the gist of it)... that he was taking some 'me' time for himself to deal with things in his life e.g. school, work etc... and asked me not to be mad at him etc if he didn't answer the phone when I called etc ... and I told J cool, but that I wouldn't really call him then (I mean, what's the point of calling smo who's already told you they won't pick up?) Then J accused me of being stubborn and taking him too literal by my decision not to call him, an argument ensued and we finally left it at we talk, when we talk.

 

And from then, things went downhill.

 

We went from talking on the phone every other day, or at least 1-2 times a week... to text messaging each other Hi/Bye about every other week. Phone conversations ceased to exist.

 

I called J once or twice... but he never answered his phone. He would instead text msg me that he was at work and/or school, and would then try to 'talk' to me via text msg which is NOT my preferred method of communication. But I let it slide. He also called once or twice... and I missed his calls. I didn't call him back (not to punish him or anything) only because I knew I prolly wouldn't get a hold of him anyway. So I would just text msg him back.

 

The last time J called, was for my birthday. We actually spoke for maybe all of 10 minutes.

 

Then this weekend... J text msgd me afew times, saying my wish for him had come true i.e. he had a gf. It's a long-standing joke b/t us that in the years I've known J he has bounced from girl to girl, but never settled into a rel'ship. Many girls have come and gone, some I liked, some I didn't but he never made them his gf to my everlasting frustration lol. Anywho - my cell phone was off, so I didn't get his texts till Sunday.

 

However... thinking he was joking (because he's done in the past)... I only sent him a text saying 'Happy Easter! Who's the new girl?". So imagine my surprise when my phone rings and I see J's number on my caller ID!

 

I answered the phone, happy to hear from him and after abt 2 - 3 mins J told me he was driving down to see this new girl, S. Immediately I asked for the 411 and immediately J told me, out of the blue - "I'll talk to you later. I only called to say Happy Easter."

 

I'm like - WTF?

 

Here we are... have not had a proper chance to talk in MONTHS because he's always been too busy with work and/or school... and then FINALLY he has some free time because he's driving, and he's trying to brush me off with a "I'll talk later to you later." on HIS time when it's convenient for HIM to talk?? WTF?

 

I WASN"T HAVING IT!!!!

 

I went off on J. I told him I was not going to be available later (which I wasn't) and why couldn't we talk now? WHY call me, to tell me about his new gf S *clearly KNOWING* I'd obv want to know the 411 after all these years - when he couldn't talk? WHY EVEN CALL?? WHAT was the purpose of his call?

 

If he was too busy to talk - he couldv'e easily sent me a text msg or better yet not even responded to my text msg. I would've been fine with that, because he's done that in the past few mths.

 

I went off on him, and all he kept on saying over and over was I'll call you later. After 2 minutes I hung up the phone on him, and sent him a text msg saying not to bother calling me later or the next day because I was tired of him manipulating our friendship.

 

He sent me back some rinky dink text msg later saying he knew it was going to happen? (WTF??) ... THEN another one saying he would call me later to give the 411 on S.... THEN another one asking if the malls up here were open.

 

I ignored all 3.

 

This morning... I sent him a looong 'come-to-Jesus' email where I basically explained to him how yesterday was the last straw, to the frustration that had been mounting over our 'friendship' which I feel is now a mere shell of what it USED to be.

 

I told him I was tired of him shutting me out, and controlling the when, where & how long of when we talk... and that it couldn't be always and only on HIS terms. I said I could appreciate the stress he was apparently under, but that I didn't appreciate how it was affecting our friendship because he wasn't telling me anything! I told him I'd tried to be patient/understanding of us not really talking for the past several MONTHS and how I didn't tell him how it bothered me (because I knew it was smth he needed to do) - BUT STILL - a friendship is a two-way street, not a one way road with him saying Go/Stop when it suits him. I also told him I found it hard to even consider him a friend anymore, because as things stand now I wouldn't even think to call him if smth happened to me -> knowing that he prolly wouldn't pick up the phone. I said a bunch more stuff, but the basic message was I gave him official notice as to the termination of our so-called 'friendship'.

 

I felt like he needed to know how his mid-twenties crisis had affected the dynamics of our friendship.

 

I guess basically I'm just at a loss, and very hurt that our friendship could just crumble to pieces ... in a few mere mths. J was like my rock. I used to tell him everything, he used to tell me everything. And now - we're like two boats passing by in the night. And I just don't get it!

 

I really hope this friendship can be salvaged. I've seen many other friends come and go, but never someone I'd been so close to for sooo long. It hurts me to think "This is it." but I feel like I had no choice. I'm NOT going to accept his friendship crumbs anymroe e.g. we talk when it suits him.

 

I just wish I could understand where this all came from... because even though I understand life stress etc... shoot, I've been stressed before, he's been stressed before, but even then - our friendship was not this severely affected! I just don't understand. WTF - HOW much stress could he possibly be under?

 

More so... it's simply AMAZING that he could not seem to find the time to hold a rinky dinky 5-minute conversation with me, his long-time friend but YET he had MORE than enough time to meet, date & secure himself a new gf in the matter of weeks! And YES - I told him that too, to shoot down any argument he might bring forth about being 'busy'. Give me a friggin' break!

 

Anywho... I don't know whether or not J will even respond to my email. Back in the day - I know he would've. But now, with all this life stress & business he apparently is under - I dunno.

 

But I DO know that is my last form of contact to him. If he doesn't reply - so be it. I'm not begging anyone to be my friend. If that's how it ends, so be it.

 

I'm guess I'm just shocked at it ppl.

 

You think you know people - but you never really know them.

 

K.

[2sunny]

I think your friend has distanced himself so that he would have the ability to care for another gal.

 

Some men cannot do the emotional things with two gals at the same time. He may have set you aside so that he could find someone to have a long term romantic relationship with.

 

Don't take it too personally, possibly with time he may be able to mentally handle both relationships at the same time.

 

I actually think he had more feelings for you than you realized. He needed to set you aside for awhile to move forward.

[Outcast]

I think you should lighten up. Ask yourself if you would treat a female friend the same way. I suspect there are more feelings to this friendship on your part than you would like to admit.

[Kengne]

I think your friend has distanced himself so that he would have the ability to care for another gal.

 

Some men cannot do the emotional things with two gals at the same time. He may have set you aside so that he could find someone to have a long term romantic relationship with.

 

Don't take it too personally, possibly with time he may be able to mentally handle both relationships at the same time.

 

I actually think he had more feelings for you than you realized. He needed to set you aside for awhile to move forward.

 

You know what - that's scary. You are not the first and possibly not the last person to have brought this idea to me and I've always just categorically refuted the possibility because in MY mind - J has always just been my friend, no more no less. We never ever dated. He met me when I had a bf, then I broke up with that bf... was single for a while, and then I met my current bf R.

 

During that time - J never ever expressed any interest to me.

 

At times throughout our friendship (esp the off times w my ex-bf M, and bf R) J would be a tad overprotective towards me. I remember complaining to my friend V (a female) that he didn't seem to like ANY of my bfs and she was the first one to suggest that maybe it was because deep down inside he had feelings for me.

 

I laughed it off of course. I even told J about it, and we laughed about it together some more. He THEN told me that ppl had brought the SAME exact talks to him abt ME i.e. suggesting that I was in love with him, because I flew down to see him in Dec. (which is stupid because I got a cheap ticket, and used up my vacation days before they expired. Crazy!).

 

While I do see your point as valid, esp because I've never had to compete for J's attn bcuz he's always been single... I still do not believe that his rel'ship with this new chick, S, could explain the complete breakdown of our friendship. He HAS dated in the past, just never anyone serious! He was still always there as a friend.

 

Are you telling me that now that he's MAYBE getting serious about this no-name chick that JUST appeared in the picture (I never even met her when I was down there) ... ALL of a sudden he can't multi-task i.e. handle ME as a friend and HER as a girlfriend? He is just UNABLE to balance it all, and this explains his distance for the past few mths because he was looking for love??

 

CRY ME A RIVER. Two tears in a bucket.

 

Because if THAT'S the case... and he's disappeared from my life because of this new girl S, that would just be a saad sad state of affairs. I never ever blanked out on him because of my bfs. I was ALWAYS there for him in SOME capacity.

 

If he tries to tell me some trash 'bout he's been busy with S... *shakes head*... I would have to understand but really, I feel like I was there first! I knew him before this girl came in the pic. I'm not saying he needs to put me #1, #2 or even # 20 on his list of priorities (I'm not crazy) but dammit can I even be on the list, SOMEWHERE??? That's all I'm asking for.

 

And even though I wouldn't like it, I would understand & feel respected if he woudl've just told me "K - I haven't been able to talk you as much because ____________. I still care about & value our friendship, and I'm sorry etc..."

 

That would have made this distance so much easier to swallow. Because I'd be IN the loop.

 

Now... after having heard next to no explanation from him about his distance, ASIDE from the initial warning email he sent me MONTHS ago, I just feel like enough is enough. I'm tired of this 'friendship' as it stands.

 

If someone is going to be in my life, they need to be ALL the way IN or ALL the way OUT. I don't have time for half-stepping.

 

K.

[Great Gazoo]

I have thought about the same problem as what your facing and I found this on the internet. I found it interesting maybe it can help you out.

 

When Your Best Friend Leaves You For a Romantic Partner

 

Reality is about coming together - experiencing - challenges - separation - and loss. All things change and with that the dynamics of friendships.

There are times in our lives when we have a best friend with whom we share everything. We share experiences and understand each other in ways no one else can. Your best friend is usually of the same sex - but sometimes may be of the opposite sex. You spend much of your free time together - share your secrets and fantasies - meet for dinner - travel - and enjoy the daily conversations your have in person - on the phone - or in email. This is the first person you call when something exciting happens in your life.

Then one day everything changes. Your best friend meets a new romantic partner.

How will this affect your friendhsip? This all goes to the emotions and maturity of the friends - and the partner.

In the best case scenario - the partner/lover is functional and has no issues with the bond between you and your friend. That person is secure in who they are - in the romantic relationship - and respects your friendship and enjoys having your friend around.

Falling in love becomes all-consuming for many people. Once in that space - the rest of their lives seem to have little meaning as one tries to maintain the high frequency of falling in love. Of course we know the real world creates issues and dramas - so that 'high' does not last long as people settle into their daily routines.

If the lover comes between you and your best friend - it is normal to experience feelings of abandonment - jealousy - anger - resentment - among other negative emotions.

If the lover has emotional problems and is not a positive force your friend's life - it is difficult to watch the learning lessons your friend has chosen to experience. You may tell them the truth about their partner - or just move on.

We are ruled by our emotions - especially when we are young. Life in the physical is about learning lessons based on choices that allow us to experience the full gamut of emotions while we are here. No one's lessons should be taken away - no matter how much it hurts. We all make mistakes - and often pay the price with the loss of a friendship. If you disapprove of your best friend's lover - that can cause a permanent rift.

Sometimes your best friend is a 'soap opera junkie' in the sense that they experience emotions vicariously through the day to day dramas of your relationship - listening to every sordid detail - and loving it. This may create a bond between you to your best friend again - one that you both need. Your relationship with your best friend now focuses on your relationship problems. Don't dwell over and over about your issues with your lover - how mistreated and misunderstood you are - and expect your former best friend to listen forever. The friend will soon expect you to come to your senses and leave your lover. As we know - many people are too emotionally weak to leave relationships and stay on and on. In that case - the best friend will move on.

If the new lover turns out to be the possessive type - demanding all of your best friend's free time - this will end your friendship. You can't be possessive in this game or you will lose.

The pain of losing your best friend is like a death. Alas this is a lesson in letting-go and understanding that nothing lasts forever. If you lose a best friend to their new lover - you will find another friend.

The pain of separation is part of the human equation. It takes us to the primal pain when your soul spark split into twin/two aspects - one above and one below - when half of your consciousness spiraled into a physical body as half waits above - in spirit as a 'guide'. Your mission.... remember who and what you are. Create balance to prepare for the reunion of self - the merging of yin and yang - culminating with the separation of consciousness from your physical body as you spiral back to the nature of who you are - a soul spark of light.

[whichwayisup]

I think he had feelings for you but knew nothing would ever really happen between you two. So, yeah, he met someone and is happy so now he needs to detach and distance himself from you. He can't be and you can't be a part of his daily life anymore. It just happens, especially when one meets another person. Imagine his new girlfriend and how she would feel about you two? I'm sure she'd be abit jealous of your bond, your closeness with him. You being female should understand what I'm saying there.

 

I think you over-reacted. Sorry, but even though he caught you offguard, he had given you some notice that he was backing off abit from you and the friendship. I think too, it's because he deeply cares about you and it was too much for him to take to "BE" just the guy friend and nothing more. So, he found someone else who will be his girlfriend.

 

Be happy for him. Be a friend - Want the best for him. Don't be pissed at him for making his life better. Yes, it hurts to not have him around like before, but this is reality. If you want his friendship as it is, much more casual and less detached - It's there infront of you...If not, then say goodbye, wish him well and be done with him forever.

 

Life is too short to be angry with a friend. Especially someone who you've shared special times with.

[Kengne]

I think you should lighten up. Ask yourself if you would treat a female friend the same way. I suspect there are more feelings to this friendship on your part than you would like to admit.

 

Hey Outcast!

 

Would I treat a female friend the same way? No. Because I don't have any female friends, currently or in the past, with whom I have been as close to as I *used* to be with J. I don't believe in that best friend mess but if I did - J *used* to be the closest thing to it.

 

As for hidden feelings lol... I for one am always the first person to point out when people are in denial... but this is not one of those times. I'm not, and never have been, romantically interested in J.

 

Vice versa, I always assumed (and still do assume until proven otherwise) that J felt the same way too.

 

K.

[Kengne]

I have thought about the same problem as what your facing and I found this on the internet. I found it interesting maybe it can help you out.

 

WOW thanks for this post!

 

Yup - that *used* to be me and J, even though I don't use the term 'best friend' because I don't believe in all that mess (seeing as how ppl are so flakey an' can come & go).

 

Back in the day... J was the first person or 2nd person I would call if smth good OR bad happened to me.

 

NOW ... J would be the last person I'd call.

 

The thing is - if this all boils down to him looking for a romantic partner and all of a sudden finding S - I would've had NO PROBLEM with it if he had just showed me what the deal was. Don't let mths and mths go by, have me thinking you're dealing with 'life stress' so I give you space hoping that one day you'll bounce back... and then I come to find out your distance was simply because you were looking for love & had to emotionally detach from me?

 

What the f....? Are you guys for friggin real about this " When Your Best Friend Leaves You For a Romantic Partner " ish? WoW.

 

I'm just at a loss, because I've never really had to deal with a close guy friend of mine suddenly becoming attached. They were either always single, or always in a rel'ship. This shift from singlehood to relationship is completely new to me.

 

K.

[Kengne]

I think he had feelings for you but knew nothing would ever really happen between you two. So, yeah, he met someone and is happy so now he needs to detach and distance himself from you. He can't be and you can't be a part of his daily life anymore. It just happens, especially when one meets another person. Imagine his new girlfriend and how she would feel about you two? I'm sure she'd be abit jealous of your bond, your closeness with him. You being female should understand what I'm saying there.

 

I think you over-reacted. Sorry, but even though he caught you offguard, he had given you some notice that he was backing off abit from you and the friendship. I think too, it's because he deeply cares about you and it was too much for him to take to "BE" just the guy friend and nothing more. So, he found someone else who will be his girlfriend.

 

Be happy for him. Be a friend - Want the best for him. Don't be pissed at him for making his life better. Yes, it hurts to not have him around like before, but this is reality. If you want his friendship as it is, much more casual and less detached - It's there infront of you...If not, then say goodbye, wish him well and be done with him forever.

 

Life is too short to be angry with a friend. Especially someone who you've shared special times with.

 

Hey WWIU!

 

I'm still not convinced that J allegedly had feelings for me. I just don't buy it, not after all these years where I've come to almost view J as the big brother/cousin I never had! But hey - anything is possible, so I won't completely discredit the possibility.

 

But moving on to the here and now - he has a gf now, so whatever 'feelings' he may or may not have had in the past are irrelevant.

 

To be quite honest - I really don't give a damn how his new gf S might view our 'friendship' or what's left of it. The way things are b/t us, she really doesn't have much of a 'bond' to be jealous of.

 

Now if J had met S back in Dec when I went to visit him, when we were close... things would be different. I would have been so happy for him then, more accomodating and probably eager to meet S and be on good terms with her because IMO - I wouldn't want my friendship with J to change TOO much because of S.

 

If she ended up being a jealous shrew who was insecure and frightened by our friendship, of course I would've told J she was crazy but hey - that's HIS gf. IMO their rel'ship has little to do with our friendship.

 

I honestly believed... based on the discussions J and I have had about this possibility over the years mind you ... that if J ever found a serious gf then YES - OF COURSE our friendship would change... but I had NO idea it would change THIS much and THIS drastically!!

 

So NO - I don't think I'm over-reacting, and his VERY vague advance notice about backing off from our friendship did NOT incl anything abt this new gf business so if you want to get all technical he really didn't forewarn me of a damn thing.

 

Don't get it twisted - my original post was not entitled 'my close guy friend has a new gf and I'm upset about it'. Because deep down... I AM happy he's found someone ... and that's why I wanted to hear the 411 about it from him... BUT at the same time I'm pretty detached about the whole thing bcuz of the distance between us.

 

The anger from Monday has faded... and now I'm just left with quiet disappointment.

 

I def do not want the casual, less detached friendship... like I said, I'm not settling for his friendship crumbs. If that is all he can give - then I WILL wish him well, love, peace & happiness and let him go without anger - just sadness.

 

K.

[Kengne]

Forgot to post this yest...

 

So I sent J the 'come-to-Jesus' email basically calling him out about the deterioration of our 'frienship' over the past few mths.

 

A few hours later... whom should I see on my caller ID but J calling me!

 

Of course - I did not answer my cell phone because I was not in the mental mode to be able to talk to him, never mind hold a rational conversation without getting irate. SO I let it go to VM.

 

A few hours AFTER that... I finally checked the VM J left.

 

J seemed subdued, and said he got my email. He said he tried calling me at work, but got someone else instead. I'm not surprised, because the extension # he claims he used is not even the correct extension #! I found this particularly ironic given the fact that at one point J * used * to know my cell phone, home phone & work line by heart - & vice versa for me.

 

But seeing as we haven't talked in so long, no wonder he doesn't remember my damn extension number (which hasn't changed in the past 2 years!).

 

Anywho...

 

J then went on to say my email was 'very interesting'. He said this SEVERAL times throughout the voice msg. He said some of the things I said in the email were correct, but other things were a little bit off-base. Whatever.

 

Then he went on to say he could respond to my email, but it would take him alot of time to respond properly and 'say all the things he needed to say'.

 

He said he'd try reaching me later, or attempt to send me an email if he couldn't reach me. Again, he finished by stating my email was 'very interesting'.

 

Whatever.

 

That was yest. He didn't call back last night, so I assume he will be responding via email at his convenience which is perfectly fine for me - because I really do NOT feel like talking to him. Strangely enough -> I'm really not angry about it anymore.

 

Because I just don't have the time or energy to get into a full-blown argument which is what it will turn into if he tries to tell me any crap about me over-reacting and/or reading things the wrong way. I can handle him saying that to me via email - but he better not tell me no crap over the friggin' phone!

 

I'm glad I sent the email, because I got things off my chest... AND...

I know NOW what the deal with him is, as y'all good folks so kindly pointed out.

 

My 'best friend' has left me for a gf! LOL:D

 

Anywho... I will keep y'all updated IF and when I get the email reply from him.

 

But at this point... I * almost * feel like our friendship is past the point of salvation. I mean damn, ALOT of time has passed, I've grown closer to other people and it's hard for me to imagine how he could fit back into my tightknit circle of friends or vice versa - ESP now that he has a gf who MAY or MAY not be comfortable with our 'friendship'.

 

But who knows? Anything is possible.

 

K.

[Kengne]

He replied the very next day, but due to technical difficulties

I didn't get it till just this past Tuesday.

 

In the email he clarified why he wasn't able to talk on Easter Sunday. Seems like he was actually on the road, driving WITH his gf S beside him and THAT'S why he couldn't talk about her.

 

He then acknowledged that yes, the friendship HAD deteriorated and it was solely due to him & him 'restructuring his life and priorities'.

 

He then tried to justify the deterioration by saying ppl grow apart yada yada yada, and it doesn't mean he doesn't care or completely cut me off. Which to me is a bunch of crap because OBV i know ppl grow apart... but it happens slowly, with time and in a subtle fashion. NOT because one person suddenly announces their making 'life changes'. WTH?

 

ANYwho he then said some mess abt text msg being his main method of communication now and he has tried to call me a couple times but I've been busy etc...

 

He went on to say some more stuff, but he was starting to get lippy and said I was being dramatic.

 

I emailed him back, thanking him for responding & acknowledging his role in the deterioration of our friendship. I told him to continue doing whatever it was he was doing and that he too is prone to 'dramatics' at times etc..

 

After that we emailed back & forth a few times... he mentioned smth about being stressed with school, work & now the new gf. I feel bad for him, but that's about it.

 

I think it's safe to say that our 'friendship' - as I knew it - is over.

 

I told my bf R about the whole mess last night, because I was really upset abt it & had acted crazy towards him yest. I mean, damn J was like my brother! I once imagined, if I ever was to get married - J would've been my Man of Honor at my wedding. Obv that's not the case anymore.

 

My bf R did his best to console me but like he said - ppl are flakey, ppl come & go so he doesn't really understand why it bothers me so much.

 

I think it's because this is the 1st time I can say a CLOSE friendship has ended, IMO, so suddenly & out of the blue. I've grown apart from other friends, but never in this fashion so it was all new to me.

 

But now I know - no matter how good a friend someone can be to you, they can & will walk out of your life at any time so there's no point in holding too much stock/value into key friendships. People come & go.

 

So that's it. I hope J does well, wherever he may go and I will do the same.

 

K.