He's put me in the middle... great.

[Jazmine]

Okay, I realize that this is not an uncommon situation - but maybe what I really need is to vent, and if anyone feels like replying to my venting, that's great! At the moment, I have no one to speak to about this other than my roomate (which naturally, is a bit weird).

 

So, here goes.... you can skip through the boring parts if you wish :-)

 

My friend (Beth) has been dating Stupid for 4 months now. I can't even begin to describe how amazing Beth is. She's artistic, quirky, well-read, has the most random/ecclectic taste in movies and music, and is INTENSE about the things she loves - she could talk to you all night about her favorite band, movie, director, book etc.

 

When I first met Stupid, I thought he was *okay/blah/ugh*. He was kinda boring, hard to carry a conversation with (esp. since he was stoned off his ass most of the time), had no job, and was 10 years older than her (she just turned 20) - but I accepted the fact that she saw something in him, and dealt with his dullness.

 

Not even a WEEK into their relationship, she was hopelessly "in love" and suddenly every phone conversation ended with an "I love you, honey." Okay, so she's happy and perky and bouncy - no fault in that. He was really nice too - he'd call to check up on her and make sure that she'd seen me that day, because he didn't want her to ignore me. I thought that was funny and kinda sweet.

 

Not even TWO WEEKS into their relationship, I was playing the roll of "supportive friend." He just did really stupid, loserish things. "I'll be there at 6 pm." Six hours later, I'm keeping my friend company during the wee hours of the morning, on a school night, while she worries herself sick. Then, he shows up insanely wasted and we both have to help him into her room.

 

About a month or two into the relationship, Stupid began to get seriously, creepily jealous and paranoid. He didn't trust her at all, and was constantly asking where she was, what she was doing etc. He'd search through her phone, and question the identity of every male name. He freaked out on her because she didn't know who a few of the people were - insisting that she was lying to him. There have been a few other occasions where he's freaked out and yelled at her for stupid things. I haven't said much. What am I supposed to say? I know that she'll just forgive him for it.

 

He's also EXTREMELY sensitive, and takes EVERYTHING you say to heart. You can't joke at all with the guy. This is difficult, because Beth and I are constantly making fun of each other, and pointing out each other's faults.

 

So, I've been very careful to keep my nose out of it. Even though I don't like the guy, I haven't said anything to her, I'm not rude to him, and I've never once come between them. Now, I'm beginning to question that decision. He's dragged me into it. My dislike for him is on a much more personal level:

 

He pulled his crazy, paranoid trip on ME (he doesn't even KNOW me) - we were disagreeing over something incredibly trivial (the name of an actor), and he slowly began to get more and more intense. It was one of those situations where you don't even realize someone is "angry" (because you yourself are not) until it's waaaaay too late. He completely blew up on me. He stood above me (He's 30, I'm 19. He's 6'3'', I'm barely 5'2'', I was sitting, he was standing . . . I'm sure you can sense the uncomfort of this position) and just began to spew the most random, paranoid, PERSONAL accusitions/insults at me. Basically - the theme was "You're out to get me, and I can't deal with your bull**** anymore." He got so upset that he left saying that he couldn't be "around this" anymore. This was not a FIGHT, this was him yelling at ME. The moment was stupid. It was stupid, and childish.

 

It's almost been a week. I've heard nothing about the situation from either one of them. NOTHING. Not only has she not said anything, she assumes that I'm just "fine" with hanging out with them. He's constantly around her - the only time I ever see her alone is in class. I want nothing to do with him anymore. This may sound harsh, but he's really hit a sensitive spot with me. I am NOT okay with people yelling at me, especially when they don't know me at ALL. Meanwhile, she acts as though nothing ever happened.

 

Was I the only person who noticed that he stood above me and spat unjustified insults and accusitions at my face?

 

And then it occurred to me - these outburts are probably normal for her. And if that's the case - something is seriously wrong with this relationship.

 

What am I supposed to say "Beth, you know when Stupid verbally attacked me? I think that was a screwed up and uncalled for, and if this is what you have to deal with... something is wrong"?????

 

I want so badly to say SOMETHING - but I don't know what, or how to phrase it without jeapordizing our friendship. I love her a lot, and don't know what I would do if I lost her - but then again, I seem to be losing her already.

 

- Jaz

[tinktronik]

your friends relationship sounds pretty messed up. You should bring to her attention that this is not healthy.Offer to be supportive but stay away from him, even if it costs your friendship.

[magda]

What am I supposed to say "Beth, you know when Stupid verbally attacked me? I think that was a screwed up and uncalled for, and if this is what you have to deal with... something is wrong"?????

Yeah, sure, why not? If you take a stand, maybe she'll get closer to taking one herself. Or realize that's not okay, etc.

 

It sounds like it could be the drugs that account for the outbursts and paranoia - maybe harder ones than you think. You're better off not sticking around that situation. Sometimes you have to do what's best for you.

[Jazmine]

Actually, I did end up confronting her about it - after another outburst from him, directed at me. Since then, we've had a few intense conversations about Stupid. She realizes that the relationship is dead, and that he's no good. Basically, she KNOWS that she needs to break it off... but lately it seems to just be getting more complicated. I avoid him, and am rarely ever around her when he's there. But when I am, it seems that they're more "lovey dovey" than ever. I've recently (right around the time they met) escaped from a no-good, verbally abusive relationship (that dragged on for over 2 years) and it really hurts to see her go through this . . . because I know that she deserves better . . . and I know how difficult it can be. I'm trying my best to be supportive, but it's really difficult when I know SHE knows, but is doing nothing about it.

 

ARG! Why are women such idiots?

[AndrewJ]

"ARG! Why are women such idiots?"