Kengne Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 I am literally going crazy. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results every time. Okay - my friend A, has been casually sleeping with this guy Ad for the last... mmm 7 years or so? She is in love with him, and believes he loves her. Mind you - he has had gf after gf the whole damn time they've known each other incl the most recent girl F (they just broke up). Last night me, A and A's friend T went out for dinner. The convo started out light but as usual, quickly turned to A and her drama with her FWB friend, Ad. A is continuously depressed over Ad. She is not happy with the FWB situation with Ad. But more than anything, she feels powerless to leave the situation. She is afraid that if she walks away from Ad - he will let her walk & not chase after her. She is afraid of not having Ad in her life. She told us both last night that she CAN NOT IMAGINE a future without Ad in her life - as her HUSBAND (mind you, they are not even TOGETHER! ). She also suffers from low self esteem, and claims that Ad is the only person (or male) who accepted and 'loved' her as is. She has been pressing Ad for a rel'ship for the last 4 years - and he has always told her he is not ready (while MEANWHILE getting involved with other females like F!). She has stood by, and watched Ad jump from rel'ship to rel'ship but never consider her - even though they have continued to sleep together the whole FRIGGIN time!! So last night - T and I - we took turns talking to A, trying desperately to knock some sense into her. This is not the 1st time we've done it - I call it an Intervention. T and I went back & forth... using kind words at first... we basically tried to let her know that Ad wasn't doing anything TO her that she wasn't LETTING him do. I firmly believe that you show people how to treat you, and by remaining in the situation where HER needs are not being fulfilled A is essentially telling Ad "It's ok - I accept your crumbs gladly & happily." We tried to explain to her that she will never be able to open her heart & mind to anybody else, with Ad still in her life. We told her that walking away from Ad - RIGHT NOW - doesn't mean that they can never be together in the way she wants - but that simply RIGHT NOW he CANNOT give her what she wants. He is doing what works for HIM - not her. She needs to do what works for HER - not him. We said alot more along those lines and THEN she said this "I'm not willing to walk away from Ad, and leave it up to fate/destiny as to whether or not he comes back. What if he doesn't? That's not acceptable." OMG ..... I just lost it! (remember, she has been in the FWB for 7 years!). I couldn't sugarcoat it anymore for her. I COULDN'T! I blasted her! I said "A - are you serious? ARE YOU SERIOUS?? Are you seriously trying to control the uncontrollable - the future??? WHAT IF he walks away from you, meets someone else and MARRIES her and doesn't even want YOU anymore?? THEN what are you going to do???" She was speechless. Could not answer that question. The rest of the night - every time we tried to show her the benefits of doing No Contact with Ad - for now - she literally REFUSED to VISUALIZE or ENTERTAIN the idea that HEY - NC JUST MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA!! She rebutted EVERYTHING we said, all the while claiming she 'heard' what we're saying. She tried to explain to us how much Ad means to her, how he;s been a part of her life for 7 years... yada yada yada... and how without him in her life she will feel empty (WTF???) I told her she was dependent on Ad for her happiness - and THAT shyt is unhealthy! NO ONE should every be the center of your happiness. People should complement, NOT COMPLETE you!! Aaaaaaargh.... My friend A calld me again this morning. Claiming she TOTALLY got what we said - but yet she's going to continue in the situation because she believes herself to be INCAPABLE of cutting him off! She KNOWS its the right thing to do - but yet she friggin believe she has NO will power and is INCAPABLE of walking away!! She tried to say some bullshyt like she's not as strong as me! I was like WTF - strength is built! You have to start somewhere!!! I just ended the call after 10 mins of going back & forth abt Ad. At the end - I told her that I'm sorry - but I can NO LONGER DISCUSS the Ad situation! I REFUSE! I refuse to listen to anymore sob stories abt what new girl Ad is f*cking. I refuse !!! I REFUSE TO TALK TO STUPID PEOPLE! Yes - she's my friend & I care abt her alot but IMO she's making VERY stupid decisions right now and I cannot sit there & watch her continue to make them!! I CANNOT! So I just don't want to hear abt it anymore. I've just reached the point where talking to her abt it... trying to give advice... that goes UNHEARD!!... is making ME feel crazy! And i'm not having it! I can't help someone who doesn't even want to help themselves. She got a little bit irate... didnt want to come off the phone but I told her NO - this is the LAST TIME we are discussing this. Until the day she has something FRESH & DIFFERENT to tell me - I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT! And if that makes me a bad friend - F&CK IT! WoW. I feel alot better. SO does anyone else have crazy, stupid-in-love friends like me? OR IS IT JUST ME? CUZ I SWEAR IT"S JUST ME!!!!!!!!!!! K.
Author Kengne Posted January 19, 2006 Author Posted January 19, 2006 Yea, it's just you. LOL! Funny! K.
Outcast Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 There are people like that on LS. You can only try so much to persuade them to change their self-destructive ways and then you have to give it up. If a person is stubbornly illogical or unreasonable, nothing on earth will change that.
CaterpillarGirl Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 I think you are totally right in your response. She is unfairly burdening you with her sob stories, refusing to do anything to change her current situation, and is totally misusing your friendship. DON'T GET SUCKED IN ANYMORE. Walk away from this crap. Your sanity is more important. She's incapable of hearing anything you have to say. It's hard to watch people we care about self-destruct, I know, but just realize that nothing is going to change unless she wants it and she doesn't - there is no way to get through to her. Good job. You've done everything you could as her friend - get out of her dumb cycle.
bluechocolate Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 Here's an article about women like this http://www.women.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,17909-1988387_1,00.html he's rather abrasive & very tongue-in-cheek, but pretty perceptive in many way I thought.
My_Other_I Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 OH I DO! I could rent about that all night long, but I will try to make it short. This friend of mine met 'her' guy about a year ago. From the beginning I knew she was settling for him because - in her words - she felt the social pressure of having to marry soon. IMO she is just scared to be alone. Mind that this girl is almost done with her master's degree, and her bf hardly finished HS. He puts her down about school and her work. He is as closed-minded as it gets. He treats her like shyt. She would be crying about her situation ALL THE TIME, each time ending our conversation saying that she will break up with him. Every time she breaks down and starts the 'but I love him and maybe he will change' bullcrap. This girl took me out after my nasty break-up - just to talk about how great her bf has become. After we've told her over and over that he is looking for a house wife and a maid, she started to defend him. Now we only hear how great he is. Never any specifics, but he is great. Well, good for them. She's been neglecting all of her friends, her school, her family, just about everything and everyone on his behalf. I just hope that she sees things for what they are. One day. Hope it's not too late. We are all (as her friends) already ready to listen about how crappy he treats her - that is if he let's her out of the house.
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