Does no contact work in this situation?

[Mwachiti]

Hello y'all! First off I'd like to say what a wonderful job you all are doing here. It's amazing to see such a vibrant community helping others.

 

I would appreciate getting some advice on the position I've found myself in.

 

I've got a slightly larger frame and about two and a half months ago decided that I had to do something about it and joined my local gym.

 

Having never set foot in a gym before, I was totally lost and the first couple of weeks I probably had no technique or form in my workouts and was jumping between machines with no clue what I was doing. It was at this point that a lovely young woman came to me one day and asked if I'd like to be shown how to use the machines correctly. This was completely unexpected as I didn't think someone that good looking would come up to me and be genuinely interested in helping me out. I was flabbergasted!

 

The shock having subsided, I said yes that would be very kind of you and she then proceeded to show me the correct form and technique.

 

We then proceeded to have a friendly chat and she told me about herself and I told her about me and what I am hoping to achieve with my workouts.

 

Forward a few days and I am back in the gym working out when lo behold she comes in. We started talking again and this time our chat lasted longer. I found out that she works out 6 days a week and out of those 6 days, 3 days are the same time as me! She showed me some more exercises and even stood around me looking to see if I was doing the correct technique. We had a longer chat after and you know the feeling you get when you meet someone new but feel like you've known them for ages? Well that was the feeling I got, she was super friendly and kind.

 

Anyways, a month passes by and I'm seeing her 3 times a week in the gym and everytime we end up talking for quite some time, usually about 30-35 mins. Our conversations are getting deeper and friendlier if that makes sense? She just seems like a really nice person. She's a firm believer of karma and that all good deeds pay off one day. (I think this is probably why she came to help me).

 

One day whilst talking about our past, I mentioned something about me that only very few people know about, I just felt like sharing it with her and I'm so glad I did, for she said that a lot of people go through stuff like that and she shared her story and battles too! It really felt like we had a bond.....I told her I have a couple of tickets to a local comedy show in a couple of months and she even agreed to come with me!

 

A few days and a few encounters pass and I realise that I had started developing feelings for her even though she had mentioned to me on numerous occasions that she's not looking for a relationship right now.

 

I absolutely didn't know how to control these feelings and I ended up giving her a couple of gifts and seeing if she wanted to meet somewhere outside the gym, to which she said no. Not a direct no, but more like avoided the topic. I haven't told her directly how I feel and have no intention of doing so.

 

This happened a few times (me suggesting we meet for a coffee outside) and every time she changed the subject. I think she figured out that I have started to develop feelings for her. Since this fiasco, things have become a bit awkward between us, she still talks to me, but I don't feel the same vibe as I did before. Maybe this is just me?

 

So I've come to the conclusion that this is a classic example of unrequited love and that I need to sort myself out before I can call this lovely lady a friend. My question to you all is, if I tell her I am going away for a few weeks, and break of all contact, but also tell her that I'll be back in a few weeks, would this help in 'resetting' our relationship? I am of course doing this for myself, and to try and kill off these feelings, but I also do want her as a friend in my life as she is the kind of person who would help you grow as a person too.

 

Does the no contact rule work if the other person knows you're coming back in a few weeks? Can you 'reset' a friendship/relationship in these circumstances?

[mark clemson]

Think the NC rule is meant to be more permanent, but perhaps one interpretation do NC is until you feel indifference for the other person.

 

It does sound like you're in a bit of a one-sided emotional situation. It sounds like she likes the friendship, but doesn't want to do coffee as that increases the chance of it becoming something more. If she has a BF that would be a logical reason why. You might ask to verify that if you haven't already.

 

I see one flaw in your plan - if you go back after a 3 week break and continue seeing her, won't your feelings return? Consider that.

 

It's also possible that not seeing you for 3 weeks and then seeing you again will make her start to like you more and reciprocate your feelings. Esp if you let her know you're going to be gone so she doesn't jump to any negative conclusions. LOW chance of this, but possible IMO.

 

I'd say give it a try. If things don't pan out to your satisfaction (one way or another) you can always find a new gym.

[preraph]

She sounds like a trainer, and if she's not, she's likely trying to get a job there as a trainer. And we get many, many posts on here about how nice the trainer (whether male or female) was, to the point the other person thought they were interested. I would suggest that there's a bit of limited flirting encouraged at these gyms to bring in business, which is unseemly, but after so many similar posts here, it's hard to think other wise, since there are these signs of being very friendly but then it NEVER goes anywhere. A bit like stylists at hair salons as well as servers of all types.

 

I don't think a temporary leave is going to stop you from feeling weird about going there. I would suggest you change your schedule to be there when she is not, since you seem to know the three days that overlap. But be careful because the next trainer or recruit may do the same thing if that's encouraged there.

[Mwachiti]

Think the NC rule is meant to be more permanent, but perhaps one interpretation do NC is until you feel indifference for the other person.

 

It does sound like you're in a bit of a one-sided emotional situation. It sounds like she likes the friendship, but doesn't want to do coffee as that increases the chance of it becoming something more. If she has a BF that would be a logical reason why. You might ask to verify that if you haven't already.

 

I see one flaw in your plan - if you go back after a 3 week break and continue seeing her, won't your feelings return? Consider that.

 

It's also possible that not seeing you for 3 weeks and then seeing you again will make her start to like you more and reciprocate your feelings. Esp if you let her know you're going to be gone so she doesn't jump to any negative conclusions. LOW chance of this, but possible IMO.

 

I'd say give it a try. If things don't pan out to your satisfaction (one way or another) you can always find a new gym.

 

 

Thanks Mark, for your quick reply.

 

I do know she doesn't have a BF at the moment, she told me herself.

 

I like your suggestion of going NC until you feel indifference. Although we get along really well, I've only known her for 2 and a half months, so I'm assuming if I go NC for 1 month, this should hopefully help in resetting our friendship. I'm just not sure if, the fact she knows I'll be coming back, hinder this process?

 

I plan on really doing some inner work during these 1.5 months, and I know I can overcome these feelings.

 

I def would like her to still be a part of my life even as a friend as she is the really positive kind of person who helps people grow and this is exactly the kind of people one should have in his/her life.

[Mwachiti]

She sounds like a trainer, and if she's not, she's likely trying to get a job there as a trainer. And we get many, many posts on here about how nice the trainer (whether male or female) was, to the point the other person thought they were interested. I would suggest that there's a bit of limited flirting encouraged at these gyms to bring in business, which is unseemly, but after so many similar posts here, it's hard to think other wise, since there are these signs of being very friendly but then it NEVER goes anywhere. A bit like stylists at hair salons as well as servers of all types.

 

I don't think a temporary leave is going to stop you from feeling weird about going there. I would suggest you change your schedule to be there when she is not, since you seem to know the three days that overlap. But be careful because the next trainer or recruit may do the same thing if that's encouraged there.

 

She's def not a trainer, and neither is she trying to get a job as a trainer. She works as a manager in a department store as I've seen her come in with her work clothes and also seen her work ID card.

 

I would have changed my schedule or go to another gym, but that would involve rescheduling a huge chunk of my day which is next to impossible at the moment, maybe in 6 months time I can do that, but right now, no possible with my commitments.

[preraph]

Then she was just being helpful. Nothing more.

[d0nnivain]

Does the no contact rule work if the other person knows you're coming back in a few weeks? Can you 'reset' a friendship/relationship in these circumstances?

 

NC is about you not the other person. It's a technique taught to help a heartbroken person get over a break up & keep their dignity.

 

It is not about absence makes the heart grow fonder.

 

There is no "resetting" her here Yours are the feelings that have to change. As long as you long for romance, it's unwise for you to try to pursue friendship with her. You will be relegated to orbiter. While your presence in her life may be tolerated it won't be welcomed. You don't need a front seat to her new relationship.

 

That said, to the extent that you are OK with being just friends, go on your trip but do not tell her you are going away unless it comes up organically in conversation. Do not contact her from your trip & do not buy her a souvenir. When you get home you can be nice to her when you see her but do not initiate beyond an acknowledgment through a nod of the head or perhaps a hello. To be her friend act friendly but stop pursing. When you gave her gifts after she said she wasn't interested in dating you that action crossed you into borderline creepy can't take no for an answer.

[The Outlaw]

I understand the feelings part, believe me, but giving her gifts and asking her to meet you outside the gym was not only coming on too strong, it also made her feel uncomfortable. If anyone says that they're not looking for a relationship at the moment, they're really not, of they're just not interested in you, but trying to be polite about it without hurting you. I'm not saying to quit, but back off and see where it goes. If nothing happens, move on.

[jonwashington]

Yea man i would really get to know a girl to where your friends and there no nerves. Usually that takes a little while longer.in that situation, Theres a better chance of her liking you first..which makes it easier

[Foxhall]

Yes it seems you have no choice really but to back off for the time being,

 

I think the giving of the gifts was a mistake but we all make them,

 

the few weeks break I imagine is a good idea, you are spending too much time dwelling on her at the moment and a change away from that will be helpful,

 

I think work on setting your mind on being happy to have a friendship with her,

 

you have made your interest known and it is up to her now.

 

best case scenario, she is not in a relationship frame of mind now but maybe in a year,

 

you mentioned being out of shape I think, work really hard on this area and well you never know!!

[MeadowFlower]

@Mwachiti

 

Don't try and be friends with her when you like her more than that. Let her go completely and move on. As soon as your schedule allows, change gyms or change your workout times. Whichever is easiest for you.

 

Are you a Gemini?

Edited April 28, 2019 by MeadowFlower