How to stop these feelings?

[Gnulian]

Hi all. First time posting on this forum, so apologies if I make any mistakes or break any rules.

 

I have started to develop feelings for someone who I volunteer with. A little background might help:

 

I started volunteering for a charity 3 times a week for a couple of hours each time. This was something I had wanted to do for myself and to better myself, and was really happy when I was offered the position as the cause this charity stands for deeply resonates with me.

 

A few weeks into the position, the management put us into pairs to complete a project which is going to take about 6-8 months to complete. I was paired up with this lovely girl, Amelie.

 

I had gotten along really well with Amelie even before we were paired up and it felt like I had known her for years rather than weeks. I told her about a music gig I was going to with a friend in August, and she said she likes that band too and decided that she too would come with us. One day I told her about something that I was battling with in life (read spilt my guts out), and she reciprocated and told me about her battles too. I felt a deep connection with her.

 

When we were paired up, I couldn't believe my luck and saw that as a sign from the universe that we did indeed have a special connection, which I mentioned to her.

 

Soon after pairing up, I started developing feelings for her, and because of this there were times I would get really nervous around her. Other times I would try to flirt with her. (She didn't flirt back if that helps this context). I was always constantly overthinking about what to say to her and I think she noticed this change and that I had started to develop feelings for her. They say women have a vibe about this!

 

Once she noticed this change, she started getting a bit awkward, (I don't blame her for this, for it was probably my fault). We had previously talked about travelling together, but anytime I mentioned that, she would change the topic or say that she doesn't want to go there anymore, or that money is a bit tight. If I asked her about her plans for the weekend, she'd say she's busy etc. One day whilst we were talking she mentioned that she isn't looking for a boyfriend at the moment, however a few days later she posts on Facebook that she wants a man in her life, which got all sorts of emotions stirred up in me.

 

Also, initially we used to have a pretty good text conversation, but that has all but dried up and now it seems like a cold one sided conversation where she takes a day or two to reply, and I end up doing the same so I don't come across as needy. She still comments on some of my social media posts, so that might be a good sign?

 

After all this I've come to the conclusion that she doesn't fancy me and never will and that is something I have to deal with. What I don't know is how! I see her 3 times a week for a couple of hours, how can I let go of my feelings if thats the case? I've asked management to see if they can pair me up with someone else, but they said no. I could leave the charity but then I'd beat myself up for leaving something I really want to do. Also talking to her about my feelings might make an already awkward situation much worse, and I'd rather have her as a friend than not know her at all.

 

It would have been much easier to deal with these feelings if I didn't have to see her, and also if we weren't going to the gig in August. She does mention it a lot, and about how she is looking forward to the gig!

 

I'm lost now because every time I see her all sorts of emotions get stirred up and when I'm not with her, I'm always thinking about her. Some times I feel love/infatuation and other times I don't like her for making me feel this way. (I know it's not her fault and she is entitled to her own opinion, but this is just how I feel). It affects my daily life as I'm just consumed by thoughts of her.

 

I would have instigated the no contact rule but thats not a possibility in this case.

 

Any ideas y'all might have would be greatly appreciated!

 

 

EDIT: I should mention that I gave her a few gifts, which in hindsight was probably not such a good idea!

Edited April 22, 2019 by Gnulian
Adding

[The Outlaw]

It always hurts when our feelings aren't reciprocated, but the best thing you can do is, and it's easier said than done, is to shrug it off and move on. I learned that the hard way. And I get the feelings part, and while it happens all too often, it's almost never for the best because they show and it just makes people uncomfortable. Just back off a bit and see how she acts. In the event she comes around, that's great. But if she doesn't, heck, there could always be another gal around the corner that will return how you feel. Good luck.

[preraph]

Stop volunteering if you can't control your feelings and accept she isn't interested.

[OatsAndHall]

Stop volunteering if you can't control your feelings and accept she isn't interested.

 

 

Agreed. And, I will be pedantic here; use this as a learning lesson about professional boundaries. It may be volunteer work but it's still a professional environment. Tread carefully (i.e. don't state that there's a cosmic connection or give gifts..) when working in such an environment.

 

 

 

I've been attracted to many women in the work place and I've dated a few of them. But, it's always been a very slow and careful feeling-out process.

[mark clemson]

I'm lost now because every time I see her all sorts of emotions get stirred up and when I'm not with her, I'm always thinking about her. Some times I feel love/infatuation and other times I don't like her for making me feel this way. (I know it's not her fault and she is entitled to her own opinion, but this is just how I feel). It affects my daily life as I'm just consumed by thoughts of her!

 

 

Ok, this sounds like limerence. You should research it a bit (Wikipedia should be fine).

 

IF that's what you have/are experiencing, then unfortunately this is going to be a problem. The rest of my suggestions assume you have limerence:

 

You should clarify her position, just for your sanity's sake, by asking her directly if she's interested in dating you. If the answer is No, then you should probably remove yourself from the situation. Seriously. This does not shut off by itself - it must be waited out, will last months, and continued contact with her is just going to prolong it. Find a different person to be paired with or think of an alternate way to change the situation.

 

You may find that you "don't mind it" due to the drug-like effect - some people are like that. However, if it's unrequited it will make it VERY difficult for you to genuinely move on with someone who loves you back.

 

She may find it cute that you have a thing for her and initiate/maintain contact. Suggest you don't allow this (unless she actually wants a relationship) as it will just prolong the limerence.

[whichwayisup]

One sided crushes suck! She friend zoned you though she does like you and probably is attached to you emotionally but she isn't feeling the special connection (sexual) towards you. Don't give her anymore gifts. Try not to allow yourself to fantasize and think of her, keep busy with friends and family.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Once she noticed this change, she started getting a bit awkward, (I don't blame her for this, for it was probably my fault). We had previously talked about travelling together, but anytime I mentioned that, she would change the topic or say that she doesn't want to go there anymore, or that money is a bit tight. If I asked her about her plans for the weekend, she'd say she's busy etc. One day whilst we were talking she mentioned that she isn't looking for a boyfriend at the moment, however a few days later she posts on Facebook that she wants a man in her life, which got all sorts of emotions stirred up in me.

 

Also, initially we used to have a pretty good text conversation, but that has all but dried up and now it seems like a cold one sided conversation where she takes a day or two to reply, and I end up doing the same so I don't come across as needy. She still comments on some of my social media posts, so that might be a good sign?

 

Sorry, but commenting on your posts means nothing in light of everything else you have shared. Without saying it to your face, she is telling you she is not interested in you that way. The bolded parts of what you wrote are the classic way a woman will try to let a guy down without hurting his feelings.

 

Clearly she sees you as a friend, but if you are hoping for more, you are wasting your time. It's tough to hear but the sooner you truly accept it, the sooner you can start to make changes and move on.

 

Personally, I would suggest taking a break from volunteering there for a while. If you tell them you would like to break for a while, I'm sure they will understand and be open to working with you in the future. It doesn't have to be permanent, just long enough to get over these feelings.

 

At some point you might even be able to tell her that you just want to hang out with your friend at the music event. Just see how you feel after a few weeks. You might even want to take a date. That's up to you.

 

You may not realize it but you do have the power to change things. You are under no obligation to her.

[Gnulian]

Ok, this sounds like limerence. You should research it a bit (Wikipedia should be fine).

 

IF that's what you have/are experiencing, then unfortunately this is going to be a problem. The rest of my suggestions assume you have limerence:

 

You should clarify her position, just for your sanity's sake, by asking her directly if she's interested in dating you. If the answer is No, then you should probably remove yourself from the situation. Seriously. This does not shut off by itself - it must be waited out, will last months, and continued contact with her is just going to prolong it. Find a different person to be paired with or think of an alternate way to change the situation.

 

You may find that you "don't mind it" due to the drug-like effect - some people are like that. However, if it's unrequited it will make it VERY difficult for you to genuinely move on with someone who loves you back.

 

She may find it cute that you have a thing for her and initiate/maintain contact. Suggest you don't allow this (unless she actually wants a relationship) as it will just prolong the limerence.

 

 

Thank you Mark for this. I had no idea about Limerence and after reading about it that is exactly how I feel.

 

I'm scared that I can't seem to let go and when I'm with her I can feel there is a distance growing between us. This is probably the limerence talking, and I'm probably making a mountain out of a mole hill, all I'm saying is this is how I feel.

 

If I stop volunteering, I know I'd beat myself up for stopping something I love doing and want to do. I've already asked management to swap partners, but since we so far into the project that really isn't an option. Trust me I've tried!

 

It seems no matter which road I take its going to be a battle with myself and I definitely ain't no soldier.

 

 

Sigh.... :(

[mark clemson]

Ok. Since this appears to be unrequited, I would suggest continuing to try to figure out a way to detach completely and keeping the interactions with her to a minimum. When this project is over, move to something where you don't see her.

 

Self control might become an issue if you feel an overwhelming urge to embrace her or similar. So, try to be ready for that (if it happens) and avoid doing anything that would lead to consequences (like potentially a criminal charge if she felt threatened).

 

There will be days you feel reasonably normal again, but the lim will probably kick back in for a few days. Eventually your brain adjusts to the dopamine levels, but it will take several months.

 

Since she doesn't like you back, your ultimate goal, I believe, should be to get over this and move on with someone who does like you. It's probably going to take significantly longer than you'd like but it will definitely happen eventually. I think most people go through something like this at least 2 or 3 times in their lives, e.g. after a breakup.

 

Don't let yourself get into trouble and feel free to reach out here for add'l support.

[Nnam]

Hi all. First time posting on this forum, so apologies if I make any mistakes or break any rules.

 

I have started to develop feelings for someone who I volunteer with. A little background might help:

 

I started volunteering for a charity 3 times a week for a couple of hours each time. This was something I had wanted to do for myself and to better myself, and was really happy when I was offered the position as the cause this charity stands for deeply resonates with me.

 

A few weeks into the position, the management put us into pairs to complete a project which is going to take about 6-8 months to complete. I was paired up with this lovely girl, Amelie.

 

I had gotten along really well with Amelie even before we were paired up and it felt like I had known her for years rather than weeks. I told her about a music gig I was going to with a friend in August, and she said she likes that band too and decided that she too would come with us. One day I told her about something that I was battling with in life (read spilt my guts out), and she reciprocated and told me about her battles too. I felt a deep connection with her.

 

When we were paired up, I couldn't believe my luck and saw that as a sign from the universe that we did indeed have a special connection, which I mentioned to her.

 

Soon after pairing up, I started developing feelings for her, and because of this there were times I would get really nervous around her. Other times I would try to flirt with her. (She didn't flirt back if that helps this context). I was always constantly overthinking about what to say to her and I think she noticed this change and that I had started to develop feelings for her. They say women have a vibe about this!

 

Once she noticed this change, she started getting a bit awkward, (I don't blame her for this, for it was probably my fault). We had previously talked about travelling together, but anytime I mentioned that, she would change the topic or say that she doesn't want to go there anymore, or that money is a bit tight. If I asked her about her plans for the weekend, she'd say she's busy etc. One day whilst we were talking she mentioned that she isn't looking for a boyfriend at the moment, however a few days later she posts on Facebook that she wants a man in her life, which got all sorts of emotions stirred up in me.

 

Also, initially we used to have a pretty good text conversation, but that has all but dried up and now it seems like a cold one sided conversation where she takes a day or two to reply, and I end up doing the same so I don't come across as needy. She still comments on some of my social media posts, so that might be a good sign?

 

After all this I've come to the conclusion that she doesn't fancy me and never will and that is something I have to deal with. What I don't know is how! I see her 3 times a week for a couple of hours, how can I let go of my feelings if thats the case? I've asked management to see if they can pair me up with someone else, but they said no. I could leave the charity but then I'd beat myself up for leaving something I really want to do. Also talking to her about my feelings might make an already awkward situation much worse, and I'd rather have her as a friend than not know her at all.

 

It would have been much easier to deal with these feelings if I didn't have to see her, and also if we weren't going to the gig in August. She does mention it a lot, and about how she is looking forward to the gig!

 

I'm lost now because every time I see her all sorts of emotions get stirred up and when I'm not with her, I'm always thinking about her. Some times I feel love/infatuation and other times I don't like her for making me feel this way. (I know it's not her fault and she is entitled to her own opinion, but this is just how I feel). It affects my daily life as I'm just consumed by thoughts of her.

 

I would have instigated the no contact rule but thats not a possibility in this case.

 

Any ideas y'all might have would be greatly appreciated!

 

 

EDIT: I should mention that I gave her a few gifts, which in hindsight was probably not such a good idea!

 

 

 

 

 

These things can be tricky, maybe you could be a bit more upfront about your feelings, and if she turns you down it'd be best to respect her feelings. We don't always see people the way they see us.

[Foxhall]

hmmn,

 

 

its the classic unrequited love situation,

 

 

its not easy this one, I suppose many of us have been there, but some people are definitely better at getting over it than others,

 

 

I have known some couples whereby through perseverance they did actually get together, I.e not giving up too easily,

 

 

but then "flogging a dead horse" as it were is no good to you in the long term and it will wear you down,

 

 

I don't think you can do much more buddy, you have to be happy to just have a friendship with her and try to move on, get chatting some other ladies,

 

 

your only hope with this girl Amelia is that she will surprise you and make a play for you at a later stage,

 

 

you never know, if you back off and chill out, that might yet be a possibility,

 

 

I feel your pain but its time to adjust your mind that this is not the girl for you.

[preraph]

These things can be tricky, maybe you could be a bit more upfront about your feelings, and if she turns you down it'd be best to respect her feelings. We don't always see people the way they see us.

 

She pulled back away as soon as she caught a whiff that he had feelings. She isn't interested and it would be dense to unload his feelings on her and make it her problem. He needs to control himself.

[Gnulian]

Thank you all for your messages.

 

Today was such a great day, she crossed my mind only once and I didn't even feel anything when I saw her social media posts! Wow, such an exhilarating feeling and a huge huge change to before!

 

I hope this is the start of letting go.....

 

Spoke to management again today and there might be an opportunity to leave the volunteering for about a month.

 

If I have days like today, I think a month should be more than enough for me to let go, I only hope that she can 'forget' this situation and we can just get back to being friends considering we have to work together for the next few months!

[mark clemson]

I hope you're right about the feelings being over. I suspect they will return unfortunately, but hopefully I'm wrong.

 

 

You seem to be handling this quite maturely, which is great - keep doing that! It's not an easy situation to be in.