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Is she a friend or not?


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 15th April 2019, 2:48 PM   #1
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Is she a friend or not? Pls help, so confused!

Hi all,

This is my first post here so I do apologise if it's in the wrong place, admins, please feel free to move it to the correct one if it is in the wrong place.

So to give y'all some background, I recently started training with a personal trainer a few months ago.

When I first started, we got on like we had known each other for years, I felt I could talk to my trainer about anything and I really felt comfortable there. She also felt the same way and said that she got on really well with me and that I was one of her clients who she could be herself with and not worry. The conversation flowed naturally to the point that I told her about a trip I was planning and she said she'd be in the same place and would join us for a couple of days! The trip is happening in September this year. She also suggested that we plan another trip for later on in the year! Please note that these trips are not for the two of us alone but with other friends of hers and mine. Although recently she's suggested that the second trip may not happen.... She also said initially that she talks to her friends about me as well and how cool of a client I am.

There was a day when I decided to talk to her about my deepest fears and issues and she reciprocated by telling me about hers. I really felt like I had a connection with her and found someone who didn't judge me about the way I looked or behaved or thought. This then led to me developing some feelings for her, however I know that it would never work out as she is not interested in finding someone right now. (Her words).

I have managed to keep my feelings in check, however recently it seems our relationship/friendship has gone a bit 'cold' whenever I throw hints about meeting outside the training sessions, be it for coffee or something else (e.g. music gigs), she always seems to change the subject or says something like I'm busy and have no time.

What I'm finding strange is why the relationship has now gone a bit 'cold' the conversation seems pushed and not as free flowing as before. Have I pushed too hard in suggesting we meet outside of training and that is not something she wants to do?

If that is the case, why would she have agreed initially to go on this trip? Have I misread the situation completely.

Please don't get me wrong, I have not suggested we go on any dates or anything like that. My feelings for her are in check and I would like to meet her outside just as friends.

We also used to text friendly messages relatively regularly before, but now she doesn't reply for 1-2 days and the text conversation seems one sided and dry.

Could it be that after these months, there is not much left to say and the chemistry we had has fizzled out?

Please let me have your thoughts on this guys, as I would like to have her in my life even if only as a friend.

Also, if your advice is to drop her as a trainer and then ask her to for a coffee, I have thought about that, but if she says no, then it would be very awkward to go back to her as a client and she is quite a good trainer.


EDIT: She also doesn't seem as excited to see me as it was during the initial stages. We follow each other on social media and do comment on each others updates, but the style of commenting also seems to have changed. e.g. before it was using lots of emojis, now its just words and much shorter comments.

Last edited by simonr; 15th April 2019 at 3:10 PM.. Reason: Adding info
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Old 15th April 2019, 3:21 PM   #2
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You confused the professional relationship for something different and more than it was. She now needs to put on the brakes to prevent your feelings of transference going any further.

For a personal trainer, sharing one's own life experiences, etc., is not a 'no-no' as it is for therapists, mentors or coaches. And, even if you two did have a better-than-usual bond or connection,
that still does not mean that she saw you as anything more than a client, albeit with a very nice and sympatico personality.

To keep her as a trainer, dial way back on wanting to get together outside of sessions and on wanting it to be a deeper friendship.
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Old 15th April 2019, 3:28 PM   #3
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She told you she's not interested in a relationship to stop you from continuing to develop feelings for her. She put that barrier up right away with you. Then you spilled your guts to her and she was kind, but now she knows you have feelings and does not want to encourage them nor lose a client. So she's walking the tightrope and just pulling back and being professional and nothing more.

The trip is a group thing and my guess is she will not be spending much time with you, if any, now.

She is not interested in your romantically and has made that clear, so there is no reason to keep trying to finagle or justify a way around that. Because she knows you have feelings, she is not going to let you use "just being friends" as an excuse to be around her, because she knows that's a lie, no matter whether you feel you have your feelings in check or not. You came on here and wrote, and you didn't do it because your feelings are in check. You're looking for a way in, and there isn't one. She's not interested. I'm sorry to be blunt, but she can't be much more direct than she already has been by saying she doesn't want a relationship and then holding you at arm's length while trying to not lose a client. This is a common thing with trainers, something they have to learn to deal with.
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Old 15th April 2019, 4:30 PM   #4
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Possibly, having you a little bit interested in her is good for business. Having you a LOT interested, not so much...
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:21 PM   #5
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Thank you all for your replies.

How would she know that I have feelings for her? I haven't told her or made it obvious.

I truly do have them in check, I have been on a couple of dates with another woman and the feelings for my trainer have subsided.

She had suggested in the initial stages that even if I was to stop going to her she is glad to have met me and would gladly have me as a friend in her life. I am guessing she said this to keep me on as a client?

I'm hoping things could go back to the way they were before, but I don't think that could happen any time soon......
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Old 15th April 2019, 7:12 PM   #6
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She knew when you kept asking her to meet outside of the gym.
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Old 15th April 2019, 8:37 PM   #7
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Her telling you in initial stages she'd be glad to have you around as a friend is just her telling you one more way that "friend" is all it's going to be. And she's backed off that now that she knows you want more.


And because you spilled your guts to her. And keep trying to see her. And because, frankly, women just know. They feel the vibe.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 16th April 2019 at 7:50 PM..
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Old 15th April 2019, 9:03 PM   #8
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Itís also possible that sometimes service professionals just say nice things to their clients without really meaning them literally.
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Old 15th April 2019, 9:04 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
And because you spilled your guts to her. And keep trying to see her. And because, frankly, women just know. They feel the vibe.
Itís actually hard not to know, as your body language can easily betray you.
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Old 15th April 2019, 10:10 PM   #10
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It's a survival instinct as old as time.
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Old 16th April 2019, 3:09 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by JuneL View Post
Itís actually hard not to know, as your body language can easily betray you.
I feel like such a tool for being so naive to think that she wouldn't have realised!

As mentioned before, the feelings have genuinely subsided as I'm now dating someone else.

I don't know if I should tell my trainer or just let it be? I am hoping things could go back to how they were before.....
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Old 16th April 2019, 7:54 AM   #12
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No, do not mention anything to her. From now on, just act friendly but distant. Only talk about training related stuff, at least for now.

Having said that, I think it was unprofessional of her to say all those things she said about talking to her friends about how cool she thinks you are, and the trips etc. For me that would be crossing a professional boundary (the rules change though once youíve known each other for years and have genuinely become friends.)

Donít feel bad, she clearly gave you the green light to treat her like a friend from the word go, which is what you did.
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Old 16th April 2019, 10:03 AM   #13
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No, do not mention anything to her. From now on, just act friendly but distant. Only talk about training related stuff, at least for now.

Having said that, I think it was unprofessional of her to say all those things she said about talking to her friends about how cool she thinks you are, and the trips etc. For me that would be crossing a professional boundary (the rules change though once youíve known each other for years and have genuinely become friends.)

Donít feel bad, she clearly gave you the green light to treat her like a friend from the word go, which is what you did.
Thatís fair. I also think she was being overly friendly and leading you on a bit.
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Old 16th April 2019, 4:35 PM   #14
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No, do NOT say anything more about it. That is exactly what she is trying to avoid, any type of uncomfortable confrontation. Stop.
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Old 16th April 2019, 7:11 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by NomiMalone View Post
No, do not mention anything to her. From now on, just act friendly but distant. Only talk about training related stuff, at least for now.

Having said that, I think it was unprofessional of her to say all those things she said about talking to her friends about how cool she thinks you are, and the trips etc. For me that would be crossing a professional boundary (the rules change though once youíve known each other for years and have genuinely become friends.)

Donít feel bad, she clearly gave you the green light to treat her like a friend from the word go, which is what you did.

That is fair. I don't know why she would do that though. Keep me on as a client? I am seriously thinking about dropping her as a trainer and going elsewhere. This might be a bit hard as she mentions the trip every now and then and how exciting it will be. I don't want it to be awkward if I drop her as a trainer and then see her again on this trip in September. That is a long way away to be 'stuck' in this position! We are planning to go to Vegas, and as you all know it's a party town and once the drinks start flowing......
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