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What does this mean?

Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 27th March 2019, 1:08 PM   #1
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What does this mean?

I googled this topic and couldn't find an answer anywhere, so I'll post the question here.

What does it mean when people 'leave it up to you' to sustain and maintain a friendship. In other words, if they say they're leaving it up to you to call or to come over but make it clear they're not going to do it, first.

This doesn't seem healthy to me to have someone expect you to do all the work to maintain any kind of contact. It's exhausting, and vaguely insulting, as if they're saying you aren't worth the effort to put any work into associating with you.

I have a lady in town who is doing this to me right now. She expects me to invite myself over for coffee... instead of ASKING me over for coffee. I'd prefer to be asked, and feel I should tell her so rather than take these crumbs of relating... I feel as if I'm not being respected.

Why do people leave it up to you to do all the work in friend type relationships? Have any of you ever done this to someone else and why? Are you really not interested in having anything to do with the person and know if you don't work at it they'll get tired and go away? That's how it seems to me... like it's an indirect way of getting rid of someone.

And how do you handle it if someone does this to you?
I think I should just let my association with this lady drop. I have better things to do than try to constantly have to be the one to initiate.

Last edited by Fair; 27th March 2019 at 1:13 PM..
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Old 27th March 2019, 1:19 PM   #2
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It means that person can't be bothered to put in effort. You aren't a priority in their lives and they don't want to be involved in your life.

If someone did that to me, they wouldn't be in my life anymore. The friendship would turn very casual and I'd stop investing in that person completely.
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Old 27th March 2019, 1:31 PM   #3
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It depends on how close you are with that person. Sometimes they feel they're comfortable with your ideas and that they know their ideas don't seem appealing to you?
And some people are just lazy, which doesn't make an excuse. How long have you known this person?
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Old 27th March 2019, 1:43 PM   #4
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Every time somebody has told me that they would leave it up to me to call or to meet up? I just assumed that they were being respectful of my schedule, and didnít want to inconvenience me in case I didnít have time. Friends and acquaintances both. But I also donít always assume the worst, or feel rejected, or take things personally much.

I actually do that myself sometimes, ie i say ďi leave it up to you guysĒ if I donít have any specific suggestion to make at that point on what to do and where/when. Do you get offended easily in general?
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Old 27th March 2019, 1:47 PM   #5
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I just feel if someone is sincere about wanting to be in your life they'll make an effort.

This lady is a relatively new acquaintance who moved to town recently. It started out give and take when it came to phone calls and the like but now it's faded out quickly into a 'you do it all' attitude coming from her. I don't feel like doing all the work to sustain an association with her, nor should I.
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Old 27th March 2019, 1:49 PM   #6
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Then stop trying. It's clear she doesn't give a _____.
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Old 27th March 2019, 6:15 PM   #7
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In a longer term relationship, sometimes it's a sign that the other person thinks you have stopped trying so they are announcing that you need to step up.

Here it sounds more like she can't be bothered. So be nice when you see her out but aenh . . unless it's super convenient, don't bother.
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Old 27th March 2019, 6:18 PM   #8
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Fair, I'm going to offer a different perspective than what's been said so far. It involves a fair amount of guesswork, so please forgive me if I've got it wrong.

You've said before that you suffer anxiety. Could it be true that you're not always up for going out? Has she initiated activities which you couldn't accept because you were feeling unwell? If so, it could be that she's telling you that she would like to see you but is happy for you to see her when you're feeling up to it.
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Old 27th March 2019, 6:39 PM   #9
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any relationship be it friendship or whatever is a two way street. When one party starts doing most or all of the work then the relationship fizzles.
"Every form of refuge has its price"

- The Eagles
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Old 16th April 2019, 9:21 PM   #10
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Is this a friend friend or a love interest? And, just a question, but did you do anything to make her feel rejected? Because, maybe TMI, but I got tired of making the first move with my husband. So, I just stopped. Also, a lot of women think it's the man's responsibility to be the aggressor in the relationship. Another possibility is that she is just too insecure to ask for fear of getting turned down. My suggestion-and it may seem radical-ASK HER WHY. Have an open dialogue with her about why she's that way and tell her you like to be invited too. Clearly, you care enough about her to have put up with it this long and come to "The Shack" for advice. Get a real answer. You might discover something that not only explains her behavior but will bring you two closer. But what you must never do is assume the worst and end a relationship based on that: assumptions. At least try to get an answer. If you're not satisfied, then stop inviting yourself for coffee...she might surprise you with an invitation.
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