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Reality too harsh?


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 8th March 2019, 12:46 AM   #1
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Reality too harsh?

I have a good friend who has been struggling over the last couple years. Her mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and had a lung removed (She's doing well now), her 26 year old cousin died of small bile duct cancer and last January her father committed suicide. She had just moved home from out of state to be closer to family and find more of a "career job" to put her education to good use.

While it's not my life, it seems she's making bad decision after bad decision personally and financially. As soon as she moved home, she leased a car at $250/month without even having a job. She lived solely on credit for 5 months until finding a job as a receptionist at an office her cousin works at. The entire 5 months leading up to her employment, she was so fixated on the dating scene. She's the kind of person who lets a relationship define her. Meanwhile, I'm sitting over here compiling my connections to help her find a job or some side gigs to make ends meet for the time being. She's more concerned about having a man in her life. When really most energy should have been devoted to being there for her family during hard times and finding a source of employment.

Fast forward a year and she's been through 2 relationships, barely 2 weeks in between both and still working as a receptionist making pay she can barely survive living at home on. All this time I've been encouraging her to either A. Find a better job or B. Work a second job part time in the evenings or on weekends. She just doesn't seem to have the fire in her to get out there and hustle. I'm the definition of hustle, because I freelance and work on different gigs weekdays, weekends and at all hours. Any time I suggest she join me to make a little extra money, she's not willing to give up any more of her time because she complains she already works 40 hours and wants to be at home on the weekends with her boyfriend. He's not exactly a success story either given he "supposedly" works full time and is unable to pay $200/month in rent. Yet he claims they will be getting a place of their own soon....

Yes, I will admit I'm constantly getting on her in our conversations about doing better for herself and making smart decisions. I've practically led the way to some kind of advancement. I'm not someone who sugar coats and I feel it's important I don't because the rest of her friends agree with her mistakes and wouldn't dare tell her right from wrong (Partially because they make the same mistakes.) In my mind, you need 1 good friend who will set you straight and has your best interest in mind, but despite reality am I being too harsh?
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Old 8th March 2019, 9:30 PM   #2
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How is she reacting when you give her advice?
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Old 8th March 2019, 9:45 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
How is she reacting when you give her advice?
Basically as if it's 'normal' what she's doing... so in one ear out the other. Then there are times she acts like I'm the 'bad guy' for speaking up. To be honest, she tends to be emotionally unstable, which I why I think she places so much emphasis on relationships. In reality she should be getting herself in order first and then finding happiness in a relationship. Maybe she needs to fall flat on her face before she "gets its together", or maybe she never will and somehow manage to skate by in life.
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Old 24th March 2019, 6:04 PM   #4
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I think on balance you are being a good friend really and she probably appreciates that though she may not show it,


It is nice to know that someone cares, and your friend is lucky to have you in that sense,


I experience something similar with a cousin of mine, now my cousin is you and I am your friend, (I am a guy actually, cousin a girl- don't know if that is relevant!)


I have very good qualifications and so on, however have not always been adept at holding down a job and my cousin well would be further forward in her career


I would at times resent that perhaps my cousin is trying to mould me into her and I would rail against that saying we are different people etc,


however in the cold light of day I am happy to know she is still looking out for me and in my corner,


it is hard to find a true friend who is in our corner and it seems to me that you are that type of a friend

Last edited by Foxhall; 24th March 2019 at 6:08 PM..
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Old 24th March 2019, 6:21 PM   #5
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Has she given herself time to grieve?
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Old 25th March 2019, 10:20 PM   #6
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I think on balance you are being a good friend really and she probably appreciates that though she may not show it,


It is nice to know that someone cares, and your friend is lucky to have you in that sense,


I experience something similar with a cousin of mine, now my cousin is you and I am your friend, (I am a guy actually, cousin a girl- don't know if that is relevant!)


I have very good qualifications and so on, however have not always been adept at holding down a job and my cousin well would be further forward in her career


I would at times resent that perhaps my cousin is trying to mould me into her and I would rail against that saying we are different people etc,


however in the cold light of day I am happy to know she is still looking out for me and in my corner,


it is hard to find a true friend who is in our corner and it seems to me that you are that type of a friend
Foxhall, you bring up a good point. I can see how she may appreciate it deep down, but doesn't quite realize how much it really is for her own good because her mind is so preoccupied with all the wrong things at the moment.
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Old 25th March 2019, 10:32 PM   #7
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Has she given herself time to grieve?
I really think that is a HUGE part of the problem. She definitely hasn't given herself the time to grieve. I know people all grieve in different ways and for different periods of time. She's now not speaking with her mom, which is only adding more salt to her wounds. Still infatuated with her boyfriend who has as little if not less drive as she's exhibiting at the moment. AND to make matters worse, they signed a year lease on an apartment together at a community that "works" with people with bad credit. My friend is completely abandoning her family and ignoring her own emotional health to be so fixated on a guy who can't help himself let alone help her. **Sigh** As of recently, I've backed off a little because A. She has mostly vanished from the area, B. Periodically doesn't respond to me for days and C. She's been constantly deactivating and reactivating her social media pages, which tells me she's emotionally not in a good frame of mind.
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Old 25th March 2019, 11:17 PM   #8
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You’ve done all you can do. She’s an adult I presume, so best just let it go for your own sanity. You can’t help those who won’t help themselves.
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Old 26th March 2019, 1:25 AM   #9
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I think if you find yourself judging a friend then sometimes it's best to back off a bit. As long as she's not borrowing money from you or leaning on you in any other way, then as a friend your job is merely to listen, and offer advice if it's asked for. If she moans about her situation, then you have a right to say what you think, but be prepared for her to get weird on you if you tell her she needs to get it together, because people who do dumb things hate being criticised or lectured about it.
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