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Hurt by my bestfriend of 10 years, what do I do?


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Old 23rd February 2019, 4:28 PM   #1
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Hurt by my bestfriend of 10 years, what do I do?

So I've been dealing with issues as of late, and one of my main problems is that I seem to be losing friends and not making any new ones. I'm a 20 year old female, I work from home, and I'm taking a break from school. I understand this means I won't have many opportunities to meet and to make friends.

My current issue stems from my first close friend, we'll call her Anne. Anne and I met 10 years ago, we were inseparable for years, but after I got my first serious boyfriend in high school things haven't really been the same. It's felt like she's always held a grudge and kind of left me in the dirt in this abusive relationship for three years. So once we graduated she moved to a different state to go to university and we still kept in touch. I even flew out to see her one weekend about two years ago. We would play this game together and still message at least once a week, it honestly felt like our friendship was on the mend. We also have this mutual friend, Kayla, who was kind of a best friend to both of us as well, we've both gotten closer to her (at separate times) and we would do things together when Anne was in town. Well, Kayla and I had a falling out for about a year when she got mad at me over quitting a job we both worked at (she didn't give me a reference, only connection to me was that the managers knew we were friends). We made up this past summer when I reached out to her and things seemed to be going smoothly.

Then the Sunday before Anne was set to go back to school, we talked about hanging out, I let her know I was working on the weekend and she promised she would get back to me in a few days. I would've had no issue reaching out to her first, had I not noticed that she was hanging out with our mutual friend and basically ditching me for her. So for 6 days straight they hung out (which I saw because of social media), then the following Saturday at maybe 7 PM she messages me and this is our entire conversation:
Anne: "U free at all this weekend"
Me: "No, I have work"
Anne: "Noooo hmmmm"
Me: "When do you leave?"

And we haven't spoken since. I was honestly kind of annoyed, because I hate when someone promises to do one thing and does another. Now I get it wasn't a huge make-or-break the friendship kind of thing, but we now haven't spoken since August. I reached out to Kayla and asked her if Anne was upset with me and she told me she wasn't. I just never reached out, because I've always felt the friendship to be skewed where I put forth more effort to reach out, keep the friendship going, etc.

Now it's been over 6 months and neither Anne or Kayla are talking to me. They've both left me on read, Kayla stopped talking to me when I was stranded on the side of the highway 2 hours from home.. Lol.
This next part might not seem like a big deal, but Anne also deleted me and my S.O. off of the game that we played together (and I introduced her to) on both of her accounts.

And that's a prime example of her being passive aggressive, I've reached the conclusion that I don't want a friend like her (there are a lot of issues that have accumulated over the past 10 years). But I'm now being hurt again because of her deleting me, and while I don't want to lash out like a child I think it's unfair I tolerated seeing her name pop up on my computer for 6 months only for her to randomly delete me.

Do I keep her added? Do I cut ties? Do I leave it alone? I've considered talking to her, but it's never done any good because both Anne and Kayla are passive aggressive and refuse to actually talk about how they're feeling and why.

Any advice would be great.
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Old 23rd February 2019, 4:53 PM   #2
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Sounds like they're simply decided to move on. Not certain why, but there's some reason, I'm sure.

The only detail that stuck out to me is how you blame one of them for leaving you hanging after you got into an abusive relationship. No one wants to listen to it over and over and then have to sit back and watch you keep running out in front of the train. It's too painful. So that's on you, not her.

I had a friend who played me like a yoyo. She totally got in her own little world with her crazy boyfriend and I didn't hear from her for a long time and didn't much care, but then she came to me when their mutual abuse got bad enough that it shook her up. Then she went back to him for as long as that lasted, and I didn't see her again while she was with him. So that's nice, huh? Make me all worried about you and then *poof*?

No one needs that. When in a relationship, if most of your friends who really know you, not just this year's friends, don't like your situation or your bf, you should listen.

So I don't know what else has alienated them, but that's one thing, and now those two have more loyalty to each other, so they're trying not to betray each other and are just slipping away.

I work at home too most of the time, and at your age, I do not recommend it. You should be in school where you meet new friends or working outside the home where you meet new friends. It gets harder to make new friends with every passing year. All my friends and there's only a handful of real friends, I've known from 40 years ago when I was in my 20s. You don't want to miss out on that. You can easily take a second job doing something maybe just on Saturdays such as working retail or waitressing where you meet people your own age, or go back to school part time.
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Old 23rd February 2019, 5:45 PM   #3
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Keeping childhood friends as you transition into adulthood is not easy. I am so thankful I didn't have to do it in the age of social media.

I lost touch with one for more than 10 years because she went off & had kids. She came back as a single mom trying to put the pieces of her life back together.

Another didn't speak to me during my 1st two years of college because she was so pissed that I left her.

For now, I'd unfollow them so their stuff doesn't pop up in your feed. If you see them talk to them & tell them how you feel. But give yourself a real chance to transition.
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Old 23rd February 2019, 6:46 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
The only detail that stuck out to me is how you blame one of them for leaving you hanging after you got into an abusive relationship. No one wants to listen to it over and over and then have to sit back and watch you keep running out in front of the train. It's too painful. So that's on you, not her.
Sorry Preraph, that came off a little skewed and more bitter than I had intended. She left, before the relationship became abusive and acted jealous if I ever mentioned him or if she saw us together. I would try to make time for her, but it became so strained and she was so passive-aggressive that it made me uncomfortable which sent me running head-first into the exes arms. She also had this habit of "replacing me" with other friends, which has happened with 5 different girls. We talked about my relationship with my ex affecting our friendship later, and she told me that she felt like I was being unfair to her by dating the guy. I never actually spoke to her about the relationship or abuse as it happened because she wasn't really around, during that period we had become more acquaintances than friends. My bitterness stems from being "replaced" multiple times when she grows bored of me, or wants something new. It felt more like a relationship with her when she got jealous over me dating someone. Now I'm not saying I'm not at fault, of course I was obsessed with the ex, but I know I still tried to an extent.

I also am going back to school in the fall, which is why I'm not too worried about making friends right now. I already have a hard enough time making friends, but now that I feel such anxiety over it from how my ex-best friends have treated me I feel as though I might sabotage any new friendships before they even have a chance to take off.

D0nnivain, I spoke to my S.O. about unfollowing/unadding them on social media, but he thinks it would be a passive-aggressive, immature move. I think it would be the best for myself though, since it's exhausting and emotionally painful seeing their names. And yes, social media does not make friendships or transitions easy at all.. It's hard to find genuine people, let alone friends.
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Old 23rd February 2019, 7:16 PM   #5
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Well, then you should just know from being replaced five times that this is not at all a good friend and is an acquaintance at best, and probably don't need her in your life anyway.
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Old 24th February 2019, 12:10 PM   #6
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Long relationships are complicated things with lots of history and nuances. You have your perspective but your friends likely have a different perspective. There is likely no right or wrong perspective, just people who are all dealing in their own way. If we asked your friends about you they might describe what went wrong a entirely different way. From your perspective you were the perfect friend who got abandoned by her friends for no reason at all. Your friends probably see it entirely different and the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

It sounds like they have moved on and that's ok. People change when they grow up and their lives go in different directions. Sometimes they find they no longer have much in common and can no longer relate. It's time to make new friends.
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