lululun Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 My friend is dating a bad guy and I don't know what to do. I've spoken my mind and I do feel guilty that I keep explicitly (and implicitly) that they should break up. I know it's not my right to say something like that so I've kinda given up and tried to be supportive. But it's hard... I don't like him, he's done a lot of bad things that he's in jail for and he's done bad things to her, too. But she's still with him and wants him to be a part of my life. Is it possible to still keep her as a friend and not have him in my life. She's a good girl and a good friend... too good which I think is why she's being taken advantage by him. And I want to be a good friend to her to by supporting her like she's been doing for me. Maybe I'm over thinking it? Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 You’re right to be concerned but I’d say to stop talking to her about it unless she brings it up. Let her know that you’re happy to hang out with her but that you prefer to limit the time you spend around her idiot bf. The problem is, guys like that try to isolate the woman, so she’s just going to have to either stand up for her right to be your friend, or she’ll let him control her and she’ll disappear from your life. This is very similar to what families deal with when someone in the family is in an abusive relationship. It’s nearly impossible to get them out of it until they’re ready, or it’s too late - for instance Nicole Brown. You may want to point out to your friend to be wary about him being critical of her friends and family, and trying to isolate her in very subtle ways. Perhaps she’ll see the warning signs and get out before it’s too late. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lululun Posted November 27, 2018 Author Share Posted November 27, 2018 You’re right to be concerned but I’d say to stop talking to her about it unless she brings it up. Let her know that you’re happy to hang out with her but that you prefer to limit the time you spend around her idiot bf. The problem is, guys like that try to isolate the woman, so she’s just going to have to either stand up for her right to be your friend, or she’ll let him control her and she’ll disappear from your life. This is very similar to what families deal with when someone in the family is in an abusive relationship. It’s nearly impossible to get them out of it until they’re ready, or it’s too late - for instance Nicole Brown. You may want to point out to your friend to be wary about him being critical of her friends and family, and trying to isolate her in very subtle ways. Perhaps she’ll see the warning signs and get out before it’s too late. The subtle ways to isolate her has already started happening. And I've been just smiling and trying to support her because she'll back him up. He has this way of making her feel guilty about it. I don't bring him up because I don't want to know about him. I know her other friends have stopped saying stuff about him too and she mistakingly thinks they support her. Link to post Share on other sites
GinON Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 You can't save everyone but sometimes you have to sacrifice your relationship with someone to help them. Lets say that you have a chance to stop someone from ODing on drugs they are addicted to but it will make them really angry and maybe not like you any more. Which path do you choose? I would rather destroy a relationship with someone I love than see them get abused or hooked on drugs, etc. You may lose your friend either way, it seems. You just have to decide if you think she will be happier with the guy or without. Would she go straight to another one anyway? There is also the problem that people don't like to be told what to do, so there might be some ways to get her to ask herself some questions about how healthy her relationship is. "What do you like about him?" and keep with follow up questions that dance around the issue in a friendly way that get her really thinking without challenging her from your point of view. Eventually she will start asking what you think and that is your opening to say that you miss her and are worried about how this guy could be taking advantage because of his insecurities. Don;t pin the problems on her actions but you can play his game by giving her reasons to doubt hos sincerity and affection. Is it unethical to fight fire with fire here? Could it blow up in your face? good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lululun Posted November 27, 2018 Author Share Posted November 27, 2018 That's a good way of thinking it. I would rather see her with a better guy knowing he'll take care of her than be with a bad guy and I can't do anything about it! I'll dance around the subject, that seems like a good way to ease my way into it. She's really head over heels with this one but in a toxic way... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 Stop telling her what to do. Instead ask her probing Qs, like why does she like him? What does she get out of this? Doesn't she think it would be easier not dating somebody who has been to jail? What will she do if he gets in trouble again. Meanwhile see her not with him & don't talk about him at all. If she brings him up, change the subject, unless you think she's thinking out loud about breaking up with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 Well, I wouldn’t totally dance around it. I’d make sure she knows that you don’t approve of the creep at all but that you’re not going to keep harping on it. She doesn’t need to think you’re ok with him. I think that’s the wrong message to send. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lululun Posted November 27, 2018 Author Share Posted November 27, 2018 @d0nnivan: she loves him because he's the only guy who has been devoted to her (I disagree), she thinks it's worth it to wait for someone she loves, and she says he's a changed man and will never do it again. I don't bring him up, she does, I just listen to her now. @bathtub-row: she wants people to accept him as changed man and that even though he's doing time, it doesn't define who he is. Sometimes I do get confused because he does speak to her lovingly and then I think I'm wrong but he'll turn 180 and I realise.. "nope he's still a dirt bag". Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 When she brings him up, change the subject. When he breaks her heart she will need your friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 <snip> she wants people to accept him as changed man and that even though he's doing time, it doesn't define who he is. Tell her the truth: Your mind and heart are open to him becoming a 'changed man'...but he needs to prove it, consistently, over an extended period of time. You could then ask her why she is not at least setting this standard for herself - why is she not looking for long-term evidence to back-up her own assertion that he is changing. (If you offer her a different perspective from which to start, you might be able to help her start looking at him [and his most consistent/reliable actions] in a different way.) If she insists that you accept him as a 'changed man' without any evidence, then you can ask her if she really, honestly, truly believes that that makes any logical or reasonable sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lululun Posted November 28, 2018 Author Share Posted November 28, 2018 Tell her the truth: Your mind and heart are open to him becoming a 'changed man'...but he needs to prove it, consistently, over an extended period of time. You could then ask her why she is not at least setting this standard for herself - why is she not looking for long-term evidence to back-up her own assertion that he is changing. (If you offer her a different perspective from which to start, you might be able to help her start looking at him [and his most consistent/reliable actions] in a different way.) If she insists that you accept him as a 'changed man' without any evidence, then you can ask her if she really, honestly, truly believes that that makes any logical or reasonable sense. Her evidence is that he treats her differently than he did his exes. And that he's the doing the best he can. She says she loves him a lot and no guy has done what he has done for her. I can't say anything about that because I don't have proof. She'll say he did something to wrong her but then he'll somehow turn it around and make her feel like it's her fault. :/ I think the best choice is maybe stay far enough to not get involved but close enough to pick her up when she falls. I want to believe in second chances and "changed man" but it's a pretty big crime... Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 She's in denial and as long as you're her friend you are indirectly approving of this relationship. I permanently ended my friendhip with a friend of 7 years because she took back her 'sexual predator' boyfriend. I exhausted myself with years of trying to open her eyes, at the end I was filled with anger all the time even my mother and my boyfriend told me to end this friendship. Some women are blind and cannot be shocked into reality. I know a mother of a teen girl who moved in a man that was found guilty of 8 sexual assaults on girls under 14. Still she defended him, protected him, she lost the guardianship of her daughter and she STILL protects him. Don't exhaust yourself with this friendship. This friend of yours won't see reality until she hits bottom. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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