Feeling guilty over wanting to walk away

[Amy In Clouds]

I have a problem, both in my love and my friend life where I can't let people go. Even if I don't think they benefit me in any shape or form (I mean spiritually, emotionally and mentally), I just don't know how to leave. I have a few "old friends" and only recently have I realised that they do not respect me. They keep me around cause I am funny, interesting and low maintenance, but overall there is no respect. They have proven that over and over again. And now when they feel I am slipping away, they bring out the big guns (metaphorically). I am getting sweet messages, inspirational quotes and coffee invites all the time. I know if I cave in, things will go back to what they were before. I am sociable, I have made new friends, I don't want these people in my life anymore. But my guilt makes me suggest a coffee here or there. There is nothing there, no more love or interest - I sit there for an hour or two waiting to leave. That's it. How do I stop feeling guilty over leaving the people who are simply not good for me? Thank you.

[preraph]

Well, I think yours is a good example of how when you set boundaries, sometimes people will treat you better than if you don't. I would say with these friends, they are nicest when you are not all that accessible, so just continue to build new friendships and kind of pare down on how often you stay in touch with them, but don't cut them out entirely unless one really crosses the line.

[maxi105]

hi amy, I think its time in your emotional life and for your wellbeing to let these people go. you are not getting anything positive and you don't feel happy amongst them anymore when you do meet up; and it is a cycle that is (and you know that too) is not healthy and it has no function.

 

if you are not enjoying the meet up's, im guessing they may not find them as fun as they used to also.

 

I think you need to be honest and the next time they invite you just talk with them and tell them you don't feel that you are going in the same direction any more and that you want to be part things anymore.

 

let them know it has been fun over the years but now you just want different things. if they get in a huff then that will pass and in a strange way it will make it easier to move on and you will be able to start feeling some relief that you don't have the heaviness of it all still suffocating you.

 

if you cant face or don't want to wait for an invite or seeing them around where you might bring up the coffee invite and not want it, then mail them and get this thing over with. sure they maybe hurt for a while, but they are not really that good friends rught now, so its not that big a deal. if they hadn't realised it might be a shock, but I reckon they do know whats goin on, they are probably just accepting your invite or sending out messages to hook you again out of habit.

 

it all sounds a bit shallow and false really, and it sounds like you have woken up to it enough to want to do something, so don't allow this to keep going round and round. you have new friends who are treating you well, so move in that direction.

 

if you cant face telling them all you can do is to keep being busy and turning their invites down. but I think honesty is the best thing, otherwise you could be getting into ghosting territories (and im not really a fan of that, its just immature for most of the reasons people ghost, and if they are not treating you nicely, then hell, this is your chance to tell them (as kindly as you can) and show them you just don't need them, just be a bit kind and accept that they may be a bit off with you for daring to end this pointless cycle. but just keep reminding yourself about how they are making you feel. and how they are going to keep trying to make you feel.

 

it sounds like a very tiresome thing for both of you and them.

 

don't feel bad about this. its sad when things don't work out with folks, but sometimes they don't and you just gotta move on as best as you can.

 

ive also lost good friends after trying to keep things good and communicating endlessly kindly because for me they meant a lot and I wanted to try to avoid the drawn out inevitable.....but when things like this go on and it leaves you not feeling good, the inevitable "does" happen!!!!! sure, I miss my a few good people at times, but I don't miss all the stuff that went with it. and I have a lot of great memories with them when things were good, and I will always think fondly of them, but I don't regret making my choice, I knew I had to for my own sake and happiness. they were selfish and in my case a lot of other people also walked away from them too, so I know it wasn't just me. but real friends want to make amends, sort things out talk, be there for you and treat you with respect.

 

you are feeling good about your new friends because you realise what your old friends cant offer you!

 

they sound a bit immature really and manipulating a bit, if not, just bored and are using you as a last resort to cheer them up etc...

 

hope that helps you. just be honest and just knowing you have tried many times before should help you get over the guilt of saying goodbye.

 

good luck, and let us know how it goes (and how fantastic you feel saying goodbye to these people) haha....

 

I will say though, if you have hurt them genuinely and they didn't see this happening and they like you as a person but have just been very thoughtless or selfish people, then at least be kind with them and give them an explanation and a chance to say their bit, before you let them know that the little party is over!!!!!! (but from what you say, I suspect they do know).

 

but look, whatever happens. best wishes, maxi ….ps...I'm really hoping it is not me you are wanting to say goodbye to in real life!!!!!! hahaha....but if it is ...i'l deal with it!

 

 

just remember. you'll feel free if you can sort this out either in a letter or telling them when the next opportunity or invite arises. be brave, you are so close to closing the door on this one. see ya. maxi:)

[salparadise]

Even if I don't think they benefit me in any shape or form (I mean spiritually, emotionally and mentally), I just don't know how to leave. I have a few "old friends" and only recently have I realised that they do not respect me. They keep me around cause I am funny, interesting and low maintenance, but overall there is no respect. They have proven that over and over again.

 

I am curious about your story. You seem to have some rigid terms and a predilection to excise anyone who doesn't meet them. First, you don't say anything about how they've disrespected you. Secondly, there seems to be the assumption that you should derive tangible benefit or else remove the friend label from their balance sheet. And third, you say they keep you around because you're funny, interesting and low maintenance, which I suppose you see as the valuable consideration you provide which is not reciprocated or appreciated enough.

 

In what way have they demonstrated disrespect, or a lack of deference to you? I am wondering if this is real and egregious or more nuanced and perceptual.

 

Most people don't need to literally benefit from being friends with people. We have different levels of friends of course... close friends, mere acquaintances, and any number in between that we don't feel a need to prioritize in a literal sense based on value received. Sometimes we just feel positive regard for people who smile, look us in the eye, and make pleasant conversation.

 

Funny, interesting and low maintenance... well, that's not exactly a glowing self-assessment. Usually we would use words such as trustworthy, kind, and loyal to describe the intangibles of friendship.

 

There is some sort of underlying resentment on your part toward these old friends. If they've truly disrespected you significantly, then yea, just drift away. You don't need a hard cutoff. But otherwise, you could just keep them on your roster as people you once interacted with and still like. It's not essential to cut all ties unless there's a serious problem, and if that's the case I don't understand why you'd be meeting up for coffee or whatever. Keeping them as friends and spending less and less time with them is an option, right? One can never have too many friends... unless you have soft boundaries and they're actually users.

[Amy In Clouds]

I am curious about your story. You seem to have some rigid terms and a predilection to excise anyone who doesn't meet them. First, you don't say anything about how they've disrespected you. Secondly, there seems to be the assumption that you should derive tangible benefit or else remove the friend label from their balance sheet. And third, you say they keep you around because you're funny, interesting and low maintenance, which I suppose you see as the valuable consideration you provide which is not reciprocated or appreciated enough.

 

In what way have they demonstrated disrespect, or a lack of deference to you? I am wondering if this is real and egregious or more nuanced and perceptual.

 

Most people don't need to literally benefit from being friends with people. We have different levels of friends of course... close friends, mere acquaintances, and any number in between that we don't feel a need to prioritize in a literal sense based on value received. Sometimes we just feel positive regard for people who smile, look us in the eye, and make pleasant conversation.

 

Funny, interesting and low maintenance... well, that's not exactly a glowing self-assessment. Usually we would use words such as trustworthy, kind, and loyal to describe the intangibles of friendship.

 

There is some sort of underlying resentment on your part toward these old friends. If they've truly disrespected you significantly, then yea, just drift away. You don't need a hard cutoff. But otherwise, you could just keep them on your roster as people you once interacted with and still like. It's not essential to cut all ties unless there's a serious problem, and if that's the case I don't understand why you'd be meeting up for coffee or whatever. Keeping them as friends and spending less and less time with them is an option, right? One can never have too many friends... unless you have soft boundaries and they're actually users.

 

quite an interesting comment, I must say. I will try to clarify. These specific friends are quite different. Let's call them friends A and B. A and I used to be amazing friends, but in the last let's say six months, I've noticed she never has time for me. Her life circumstances haven't changed. She will plead or beg for a coffee, when I finally cave in, I sit there watching her talk to her sister on the phone. I asked her to help me with something, she just ignored it. I went out with her just to see if something dire had happened for her to turn 180 on me, and nope, according to her it's same old same old. We used to confide in each other, talk for hours on the phone about terrible bosses and boyfriends, but it has all kind of disappeared. We sit there, I look at her on her phone, we don't talk about personal stuff, just pleasantries.

 

Friend B is imo a user. I am never invited for any big occasions, only when her bf is out of town or he's at work and she has some time to kill. When I am going through something terrible, she is cold and distant, almost curious, not empathetic and this has happened a few times. She also plays dumb. She will make plans with me but if it doesn't suit her, she will just ignore them. This has also happened a few times.

 

When I said "benefit" I meant in an emotional way. Of course I want to be around people who make me feel good about myself, who respect and appreciate my company. I am a loyal friend who will jump out of her bed at 3 AM if a friend calls all in tears. And I don't think neither A or B are the kind of friends to do that. Yes, I might be quite intense, but that's ok. I have super close friends who get me, who are as loyal. Interestingly, both A and B consider me their closest friend. Whereas I never claimed they were mine. Today again, a double attack - hearts and invites and kisses messages. I feel terrible but no I dont want to hang out with them anymore:(

[JBird2001]

I know what you're going through. For me it's hard to reconcile friendship with indifference. I've been through times where the novelty wears off soon after meeting them for any event, then it becomes a long, drawn-out affair where I'm just waiting to leave. I get excluded from conversations and I see that as a passive-aggressive way of them saying you've either worn out your welcome or it's time for you to leave. Yet they still want me to visit, go places, and hang out.

 

The 'having-their-face-buried-in-their-smartphone' things happens a lot too. Nobody seems interested in what's going on in my life. I've traveled and done hardcore obstacle races, cycling events, I volunteer at triathlons, I'm on a planning committee for a major fundraiser. I may be biased, but I think it's interesting, and a positive thing that I'm doing. Through those activities I meet amazing people who are genuinely interested and engaged in your life. However, the so-called friends just make it about them: "I could never do that!". Again, anything I say is just a segue for them to talk about themselves.

 

The problem is two-fold for me: One, it's actually includes family members! and two, I am becoming aware that I am dealing with narcissistic personalities. They just need an audience, constant validation, and a dumping ground for their non-issues. As a result, my visits end with me feeling sh**ty and mentally drained.

 

The point is, there's no hope in trying to resolve these feelings with a narcissist, because in their view it's not them, it's YOU. YOU need to lighten up, YOU need to adjust your attitude to suit my needs, etc, etc. You're essentially dismissed by them as being unreasonable, with no respect for your feelings

 

I think you need to say goodbye to these people and insist on engaging with only positive people in your life who make you feel like you make a difference to them. Be adamant about it.