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I don't even know how to explain it, my best friend and I argued and now she's "gone"


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Old 12th August 2018, 5:08 PM   #1
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I don't even know how to explain it, my best friend and I argued and now she's "gone"

This is very long I'm sorry. You can skip to paragraph five for the beginning of the problem.

I'm so confused about what happened. Background: we met online about 4 years ago. We became good friends, we communicated via Kik. Sometimes daily, sometimes not. We'd drop on and off. Also, the friendship has always been platonic. Neither one of just has ever shown romantic interest towards the other. She has a long term boyfriend, I have a fiance. They both know of our friendship.

Around last September, our friendship took off even more. We switched from communicating through Kik to texting each other via iMessage. I don't know why that triggered an uptick on communicating. Our friendship grew, we even FaceTimed and talked on the phone a few times. I felt the friendship had moved from the realm of "online" to "real life". It was tangible. We saw each other faces and heard each other voices all the time. Still, the bulk of communication was via text. We texted all day long. Silly stuff, dumb memes, serious stuff, work stuff, food stuff, pics of dogs, etc. Just back and forth banther whenever we could. It's not like we expected each other to always be there, but we were. We saw each other through depressive episodes and bad days and fights with our friends and partners. We were always supportive of each other no matter what.

I am aware that she's had various mental health issues throughout her life. She tried to kill herself when she was younger. Was addicted to drugs and alcohol. Abusive background. At one point she was on lots of meds. When I met her, as far as I know, she wasn't on meds anymore.

Throughout the time that I've talked to her normal, high and low. For a few months at the beginning of this year she was quite depressed because of a failed career change. She was so depressed that I got scared, but she was still there. Always talking. Her fortune changed, she got a job she loves, she got on one anti-depression med and a prescribed vitamin booster and she's been happier than she's been in a long time. Whenever she said something super positive, I'd try to tell her that it was amazing to me that she was so happy because just three months ago she was doing really bad. So the friendship continued. Life goes on. Then last week happened and what happened I have no idea what to make of it.

Up to two Fridays ago (8/3) everything was as it usually is, then Saturday morning things turned. I noticed she was quieter than usual and the few times she replied her answers were short. You know how you can tell when a friend is just not ok? I had that feeling in my gut. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that her eyes were hurting really bad and that she just wanted lie down and enjoy the quiet. Ok! She disappeared for the rest of the day, at night she comes back, I ask her how she is and she says her eyes still hurt but she's done trying to make them feel better. We talk a little but something is still off.

On Sunday, again she's quiet. Her responses are short. She feels distant and aloof. Again I ask if maybe her eyes are bothering her again? She says no and tells me that she wishes to cut down her screen time, that she's always on the phone or the computer and she just wants to get away from it all. Selfishly, I panic a little. We go back and forth and she says that she wants to cut her screen time and she adds that she's also just busy, because she's on vacation for five days and she just wants to do things around the house. Again, I begin to panic but I leave it at that.

Monday I go back to work, she's home, texts are minimal. She only answers, never initiates. It's no a conversation as much as she's responding, albeit hours later, to my texts. I'm at work so whatever, I leave her be.

Tuesday she takes a trip with her family to go shopping. Other than telling her to have a great day I leave her alone all day long. I don't text her until late at night, to ask how her day was and for the first time in a few days she's more herself. She tells me she had a fantastic day and that she feels great. She tells me about everything she bought, she spent a bunch of money on 4 Kate Spade purses, and some expensive coach tennis shoes and she sends me a pic of all her bags. She said she bought so much she doesn't even remember half the stuff she bought. I see a hint of my old friend, she's in a good mood so maybe it was just something off the last few days.

Wednesday is D-Day. I'm at work, she's at home. Again, she's very absent. For days, she hasn't initiated any convos when before she did. I try to be as normal as possible, send her a long text about the new coworker and how bossy she is, something that before would set us off into some rants. My text was sarcastic, because we are both the king and queen of sarcasm, and her reply is "Is that sarcasm?" LOL. It threw me off...of course it was. I'm worried. I'm panicking. Something is off...but I try to play it off and just be as normal as possible. Later on in the day I send her a stupid pic of a teddy bear made of chicken parts that my friend sent me...and her reply was "hahaha cute" and I'm all WTF? I reply "it's a teddy bear made of raw chicken parts" and she replies "I know what it is, I just wish it was made of real teddy bear material."

Ok, so at this point I'm on full panic mode and I snap. I myself have tons of abandonment and self-esteem issues so at this point, all the weirdness of the last few days triggers a panic attack. At the very least, I have the sense to show my fiance the convo and then tell her that I'm going to write a text and I need her to see it before I send it so that she can check that is not something that might be offensive or accusatory or anything.

The gist of the text was that I understood that she's told me many times that everything is ok, I understood her wanting less screen time and that she's my best friend and I want to support her no matter what. I wrote that this text came from a place free of judgement and only of concern. I told her that she simply does not seem like herself and that she can tell me anything and I will support her to the best of my abilities and to please talk to me.

This set her off like a rocket. Her first exact replies were "I'm honestly fine. There's not a thing wrong. I feel great." So I said "I'm glad to hear" and she continued texting saying that she had nothing to talk about, that she just wanted to lay down and not be on her phone or watch tv. I said I understood. Then she continued that she had nothing to say. I said that I didn't care about the quantity of texts, just the quality and that she wasn't responding to my texts. Then she said that she wrote "well I'm just focusing on other stuff?" I apologized for pushing the issue and just told her that I miss my friend and she responded that now I'm annoying her and that she has no obligation to me (Some texts before this I had told her that I also understood that she had no obligations to me).

I know I should have stopped at many points before this. She kept texting though, so I did too. I reiterated that I was worried and she said that she's fine and I can stop worrying. She then said I was making her angry and that she's pissed off.
I said that in all the time I've known here it just hasn't been like this (distant, aloof) and she responded with "Okay well now it is? Like I'm not going to constantly always be doing the same things or have the same stuff on my mind. Because I have been thinking of other things and doing other stuff."

I said Ok, I'm here if you need me, I miss you and our convos. I should have stopped. She reiterated some other things and said "But now this will be affecting things moving forward because this is unreal" and that she was done explaining herself over and over. I just said "Ok, I understand. I just felt I had to bring it up." and a few minutes later I sent "I'm sorry."

That was the last of it. I haven't text back. The next day, I got a message from her that just said "omgf " and I replied with "?". She replied saying that that text was 100% supposed to go to her boyfriend. I took this an opportunity to open things up and I asked her about her dog, that had a vet appointment. She replied that she was ok and thanks for asking but that it was her fault she sent that message to the wrong person but that she wasn't ready to talk to yet. That was last Thursday and we haven't talked since.

I'm sorry for the novel but thanks if you've made it this far.

I'm so confused and heartbroken. I have no idea what is going on. The thing is that I still see her online on certain social media sites and she writes about how happy she is and how good things are and how she's getting so many things done and how she's just clearing her mind of "heaviness".

I really don't know what to make of this situation. She's never acted like this before. It's jarring how things didn't change gradually but in one fell swoop, seemingly overnight. We used to share everything, talk about everything. I feel like crap. I feel I destroyed the friendship and don't really even know how. I haven't contacted her and won't. At this point I'm just expecting her to either come back and tell me it's over or just ignore more and force me to end things. Because the way I am, I can't just leave this hanging. I have to protect myself and move on. If anyone has read this far, bless you and I welcome any insight and/or advice.

Thanks.
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Old 12th August 2018, 6:19 PM   #2
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I did read it.

This almost reads like a breakup but then I see the title of it just being a friend.

Something isn't right here. Saying you are "heartbroken" over the loss of a friendship seems a bit extreme don't u think?
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Old 12th August 2018, 7:01 PM   #3
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With all the conversing the two of you had, I have no idea how you found time to work or be with your partners. And with this in mind, I understand why she needed to back right away. It was just too much and too intense. Unfortunately, your reaction simply underscored just how too intense it was.

Give her space and time and eventually you may return to a more sustainable friendship. The kind of where you might talk to each other once a week or fortnight.

In the meantime, focus on rebalancing your life.
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Old 12th August 2018, 7:03 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by marky00 View Post
I did read it.

This almost reads like a breakup but then I see the title of it just being a friend.

Something isn't right here. Saying you are "heartbroken" over the loss of a friendship seems a bit extreme don't u think?
It's not extreme at all. Heart break is not only for romantic relationships.
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Old 12th August 2018, 7:04 PM   #5
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It's not extreme at all. Heart break is not only for romantic relationships.
Actually no, it IS extreme. And the intensity that you're feeling is underscoring why she needed to put some distance in.
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Old 12th August 2018, 7:09 PM   #6
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I think you should find some new friends. Or at least get busy.
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Old 12th August 2018, 9:04 PM   #7
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She told you she wanted less internet time, and it was directed at you, but she was being diplomatic, sure that you'd take a hint. But you didn't. You are taking too much of her time for "just a friend," and she has a bf already. I'm sure he's noticed. She just wanted you to stop texting all the time. But you kept it up and didn't respect her decision and now she's feeling disrespected. And NO, you shouldn't text her again apologizing or anything. Just leave her alone and give her some space and see if she texts you in a few weeks. But don't EVER go back to texting her all the time. Even once a day is excessive for friends with partners.
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Old 15th August 2018, 3:49 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by AlexanderX View Post
Background: we met online about 4 years ago. We became good friends, we communicated via Kik. Sometimes daily, sometimes not. We'd drop on and off.

She has a long term boyfriend, I have a fiance.

They both know of our friendship.

Around last September, We texted all day long. Just back and forth banther whenever we could. We saw each other through depressive episodes and bad days and fights with our friends and partners. We were always supportive of each other no matter what.

Up to two Fridays ago (8/3) everything was as it usually is, then Saturday morning things turned. I noticed she was quieter than usual and the few times she replied her answers were short.

Ok, so at this point I'm on full panic mode and I snap. I myself have tons of abandonment and self-esteem issues so at this point, all the weirdness of the last few days

she wasn't responding to my texts. Then she said that she wrote "well I'm just focusing on other stuff?" I apologized for pushing the issue and just told her that I miss my friend and she responded that now I'm annoying her and that she has no obligation to me (Some texts before this I had told her that I also understood that she had no obligations to me)

I'm so confused and heartbroken. I have no idea what is going on. The thing is that I still see her online on certain social media sites and she writes about how happy she is and how good things are and how she's getting so many things done and how she's just clearing her mind of "heaviness".

I really don't know what to make of this situation.

Thanks.
I underlined everything that is wrong with the situation.

- you completely misunderstand what a friendship is, this person was your pen-pal, someone who also probably needed emotional support, just like you did, to go trough a rut in her life;
You didn't know her in real life, she didn't invite you to a BBQ, and you never met her or her boyfriend or family. You two are, for all intent on purpose, complete strangers who happened to share personal details because of your delusions about "meeting people online";

- as for the "reactions" of this person they are imo twofold : a) she straightened her personnal and professional life, and didn't need you as a support anymore b) she realized that all this time spent messaging a complete stranger was a total waste of time, and cut it out of her life;

- if you had been in an heterosexual relationship with her, this woman basically used all the regular ways to dump a guy : diminished texting, disinterest in the convos, "i'm busy" excuse, and eventually, radio silence; basically, new (more interesting) things have been catching her attention in the real life, and you happened to be "disposable weight".

I fail to see how your girlfriend could put up with what you did, having an emotional affair with another woman trough social media with her knowledge, i hope you realize that the relationship with this virtual person who just "dumped" you is pointless; however, your relationship with your real girlfriend is what you should be working on right now, instead of wasting time texting people you never met.
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Last edited by Alamo657; 15th August 2018 at 3:52 AM..
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Old 15th August 2018, 12:53 PM   #9
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You make being a friend with you a lot of work. True friendships dont work that way. You are there for them no matter if its the next day or the next month. I dont understand the abandonment and self esteem issues....you have a fiance. You should be expending all this energy on her, not a friend. I dont see where she did anything wrong, and you started pinging off the walls over nothing. Lots of people have eye issues because of texting on phones a lot. Sometimes I wont text for a week because of my eyes. She told you that.

There is more going on here than just a friendship. You seem to have some co dependency issues here that you really need to address.
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Old 16th August 2018, 3:12 AM   #10
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I just really agree with all the other posters. You were way to attached to this person you had never met. Best friends don't just text each other everyday. They do things together, share experiences, make memories. You didn't have that with this girl. You told each other about your lives, you didn't actually experience life together.

I'm sure you were an important person to her at one point and that your support meant something to her but she was able to compartmentise your friendship as seperate from real in the flesh friendships. However you act as if she is the single most important person in your life. As soon as she even mentioned wanting to slow down the obsessive contact your response was to feel panic. It's fine to have friends but you should be turning to your fiancÚ for the bulk of your emotional needs.

I can see why your friend became so agitated near the end. She politely suggested that you back off and give her a break. Instead of doing that you continued to text her even when she clearly wasn't into it. Then you badgered her and made her explain herself. You sent her a picture of a teddy bear made of raw chicken parts and she said "haha cute" and that reply upset you for some reason. Why? What did you want from her? It just seems like you were pressuring her and not respecting her request for space

Just leave her alone and maybe in a few weeks she will contact you. Use your time away from her to get a healthy perspective on how much of your life this friendship should reasonably consume.
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Old 16th August 2018, 1:32 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
She told you she wanted less internet time, and it was directed at you, but she was being diplomatic, sure that you'd take a hint. But you didn't. You are taking too much of her time for "just a friend," and she has a bf already. I'm sure he's noticed. She just wanted you to stop texting all the time. But you kept it up and didn't respect her decision and now she's feeling disrespected. And NO, you shouldn't text her again apologizing or anything. Just leave her alone and give her some space and see if she texts you in a few weeks. But don't EVER go back to texting her all the time. Even once a day is excessive for friends with partners.


(With all due respect) I disagree with this honestly. I have a lot of people I like to just converse with about a number of different topics. Maybe doing it on the daily could be seen as a bit much...but as long as the connection is friendly/platonic there shouldn't be any issue. Trust goes a very long way (assuming the person earned it).
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Old 16th August 2018, 3:16 PM   #12
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(With all due respect) I disagree with this honestly. I have a lot of people I like to just converse with about a number of different topics. Maybe doing it on the daily could be seen as a bit much...but as long as the connection is friendly/platonic there shouldn't be any issue. Trust goes a very long way (assuming the person earned it).
I agree in some situations, but it shouldn't be an issue when one wants to stop doing it all the time, you know? And when both people have spouses or partners, it's pretty common one of them isn't going to want to like constant communication with someone else because it cuts into their time and trust, of course. I mean, just in general, you can't get too dependent on friends, online or real life and be insensitive when they want to cut back is all I'm saying.
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Old 16th August 2018, 3:53 PM   #13
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as long as the connection is friendly/platonic there shouldn't be any issue. .
Not gonna enter the debate about wether intense opposite-sex friendships are really "just friendships", but rather, i'd say that the connection needs to be healthy, which this one (from the op) clearly wasn't.
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