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upset an exfriend


sickoflove11

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sickoflove11

If you don't know you upset someone, because what they think you said was completely misinterpreted, how are you supposed to know you've upset them?

 

I guess this is rhetorical but like going around telling everyone else you're upset by something someone said, and not the direct person who said it, seems childish. Am I wrong?

Plus, I was and am no longer friends with this person so I feel they are trying to stir up drama and I did not want any part in it.

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I'm confused - YOU upset them or they upset you? When you were friends? How long have you not been friends?

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If you upset someone it behooves them to discuss it with you. If they are unable or unwilling to talk to you about the slight, then it's their problem not yours. Since this other person is no longer your friend I'm not sure why anything you do should cause any reaction in them but it really doesn't matter.

 

If you are hearing complaints from other people then the person complaining it just a "pot stirrer" & can be ignored.

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sickoflove11
If you upset someone it behooves them to discuss it with you. If they are unable or unwilling to talk to you about the slight, then it's their problem not yours. Since this other person is no longer your friend I'm not sure why anything you do should cause any reaction in them but it really doesn't matter.

 

If you are hearing complaints from other people then the person complaining it just a "pot stirrer" & can be ignored.

 

 

Thank you, this makes so much sense and really helps clear my head. I wasn't sure If I was being the irrational one because she started attacking me with so many insults saying how I am such a horrible person, have no friends, how I really should have "stepped up" and apologized (again for something I didn't know upset her). She belittled me acting as if I'm stupid for not knowing "social etiquette" in apologizing when I'm the one in the wrong.

 

We hadn't talked in over a month and she is moving states in a few days so why she decided to text me how much we are not friends and I'm toxic and all this other stuff just bewilders me, because I was so happy I was finally free from her drama. She also did this all over text because she didn't want to deal with my "b****-yness or smart remarks". But later she said she tried to disuss it in person and I walked away... (never happened). Shouldn't that just tell me something also? That she can't face her issues directly and has to hind behind a screen to insult people? I am strong headed but I'm very logical. Also, I'm 5' 3", 110 pounds so she can't be afraid of my size hah

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hhhmmm….sick of love....if you (or the other person) doesn't really know what was actually said by the original person/people misinterpreted (in this case your friend), or if other people added their comments and they have been misinterpreted into the mix, and you make a decision about how you feel about a person based on information that is incorrect or has been added too and you don't know if it was really true or how it was said or intended, without discussing it with all of the actual people that got themselves involved in this situation (and including the one that feels you upset them) then aren't you also caught up in the drama of not sorting things out properly and there is also a good chance others may have been strirring things up for you against her, ....you seem annoyed with only one person in this story, but maybe the truth is that others involved (maybe people you thought were also your freinds) have also stirred things up for you in this little drama! so it might have been a better idea at the time to talk to everyone properly and get the full story, not just listen to what people are saying then judge one single person when it sounds like you were not there when whatever was said was said. (because if you were there and you didn't sort it there and then, then the fault is partly yours too now.

 

 

its easy to say anything and influence others into being on your side because you feel wronged or you don't like a person or maybe jelouse of them in some way (you hear it endlessly in the way people talk, even about other friends they have and are talking too and see on a regular basis, and you think, hey that's not what was said or that's not the way they meant it and before you know it someone is made to feel bad and their reputation is knocked back because the person they happen to be talking to wants the other person to be seen in a not so good way (and the listener just accepts that and goes around with a negative perception of someone they know better than that, but for some reason is just influenced without sopping to question things or challenge the person).

 

because someone tells you something that's negative like that, doesn't always mean their version is the absolute truth!!!!! and that applies good and bad. gossips ususally have a motive, even just to seem liked over someone else...there is so much insecurity out there people just swallow any old rubbish to be liked or come over as all good.

 

this person cant be all bad can they? you chose them to hang out with at one point so you must have liked them before this silliness.

 

 

the whole thing sounds rather childish all round really, and if you don't want to be this persons friend anymore then im not sure what the point of the post is, is it just to say I was right this person was wrong? maybe you were, maybe you weren't (but without knowing properly what went on fully) it doesn't really achieve anything except bad feeling and probably an unspoken discussion where the real truth doesn't come out and you lose a one time friendship over it.

 

 

 

if there was something that needed to be apologized for (even in a mistake for hurting, possibly hurting someones feelings or via gossip, then surely it would be the bigger thing to talk to this person, explain it all and apologise). or at least give the whole picture to that person and allow them to apologise and explain it all, because for all you know they may have been fed lies about you and so have said something that you also have only half a conversation about...(and from other people who are desperate for you not to like that person anymore).

 

 

it would be easy to read this and side with you, but not knowing what was actually said and the situation that built up to it properly, then it doesn't make it that fully rounded for me im afraid to say you were right about this over your ex friend as there is more to this than has been written.

 

it sounds like as things have been taken over by other people and taken out of all context, it might be that things were added to the situation that were never part of the problem anyway that made this person mad at you: but if you are not talking to this person then you are never going to find the truth.

 

 

hearing complaints by others isn't nessesarily that the person was in the wrong, there may be other agenda's here going on for all we know that involve other peoples issues.maybe some of what the person said was valid?, people don't trhow insults always just because they are angry sometimes they are equally fed up and are expressing aggressively what they feel in frustration because the situation is not resolved).

 

but the bottom line is this if you've talked to the other person and thrashed it out properly by e-mail if they are in another state, or if you ever get to see them before they leave - then you would have a better idea of what went on and them too, it might clear any mistakes up.

 

it would be sadder to leave on such bad terms, even if you never see them again, its always better to resolve and talk. closure and apologies is the mature way, not talking or finding out what happened and discussing it like adults is the childs way, and so far, im not reading the adults way to all of this. sorry.

 

im not sure how you could know you'd upset someone that was a friend via something that was "supposed" to be said without it having been part of some kind of gossip or second hand gossip. it might be that the person telling you they have been saying stuff has not quite got parts of the story right and may have lead you to think that a person felt one way when actually then never meant it like that...but that's the problem with gossip and not talking to people when stuff needs to be spoken about, it builds up with resentment to the point where you also treat people in the childish way that they are accusing you of.

 

 

this is another one of those post where you think why don't people talk properly about stuff, if you don't want to be friends, ok, but why post that? the matter is done then surely if you feel that way, ....what could people add other than to agree with you... which without knowing the people or the facts on this one, I cant say I can do.

 

 

if you didn't know you upset someone and you find out that you did, then surely you apologize and explain, and they also have an opportunity to do the same. that's the mature way, you decide after you've spoke, but running online to get justification for something you are not bothered anymore by seems a waste of energy.

 

 

its all she said, she did, she thought, I said, when really it should be we spoke and we sorted it out!

 

 

anyway. maybe the distance will do you both good, but really, this sounds like something that should have been sorted way back but was left to gather as more and more people got involved.

 

I hope you can talk to her, if not then maybe you also need to question the atmosphere and people around you that let such a silly thing build and build.

 

sorry, but its another honest one from me!!!!! maxi.

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sickoflove11

 

this person cant be all bad can they? you chose them to hang out with at one point so you must have liked them before this silliness.

 

 

the whole thing sounds rather childish all round really, and if you don't want to be this persons friend anymore then im not sure what the point of the post is, is it just to say I was right this person was wrong? maybe you were, maybe you weren't (but without knowing properly what went on fully) it doesn't really achieve anything except bad feeling and probably an unspoken discussion where the real truth doesn't come out and you lose a one time friendship over it.

 

 

if there was something that needed to be apologized for (even in a mistake for hurting, possibly hurting someones feelings or via gossip, then surely it would be the bigger thing to talk to this person, explain it all and apologise). or at least give the whole picture to that person and allow them to apologise and explain it all, because for all you know they may have been fed lies about you and so have said something that you also have only half a conversation about...(and from other people who are desperate for you not to like that person anymore).

 

this is another one of those post where you think why don't people talk properly about stuff, if you don't want to be friends, ok, but why post that? the matter is done then surely if you feel that way, ....what could people add other than to agree with you... which without knowing the people or the facts on this one, I cant say I can do.

 

if you didn't know you upset someone and you find out that you did, then surely you apologize and explain, and they also have an opportunity to do the same. that's the mature way, you decide after you've spoke, but running online to get justification for something you are not bothered anymore by seems a waste of energy.

 

 

anyway. maybe the distance will do you both good, but really, this sounds like something that should have been sorted way back but was left to gather as more and more people got involved.

 

I hope you can talk to her, if not then maybe you also need to question the atmosphere and people around you that let such a silly thing build and build.

 

 

 

I think you created way more to the story than was actually my point, but thanks for your input anyways!

 

As I mentioned, it was somewhat a rhetorical post. It's not a waste of my enrgy to just vent and if anyone wanted to share input, that is always welcome :)

I come here to get my thoughts out so they don't fester in my mind so much.

If people want to disagree or agree is their choice, I am here for it all!

 

This drama was all with people at work who I do not desire to be friends with outside of work, but if someone has an issue, they are more than welcome to bring it to my attention rather than spreading it through others hoping it gets to me, so that I will then address them. That sounds childish to me.

You are right though, this should have been sorted out way back whenever the issue started, but I was not aware there was an issue until weeks later from gossip.

This girl attacked my character, to me and others, tells me I have mental issues and multiple other insults. She is not someone I hope to ever speak to in my life again.

Again, this was really just a general post, I know no one on here will ever know both sides so I'm not looking for pity or reassurance that I'm in the "right".

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sick of love....i guess that's my point in all of this, is that there is still a "possibility" that after all that has gone on you may not have the ALL of the facts on how or why things were said or done (or turned into a misunderstanding); as others you worked with have possibly also added their own bits and may have been for some time behind yours or her back), from what little you do say on this post. maybe they have been trashing her as well only you don't know that?

 

also regarding your reply to this post (and online posters in general): if people don't have a clearer idea of what is really going with the posted situation because the communication is poor or vague on details then the story from the replies (and my style also) is more likely to be expanded on as we realise that the poster is looking for views or an possible answer that might provide insight; and it sounds like that's what may have happened with you and the person and people at your work place. people (you or her) haven't aired your frustrations in the quickest most mature way and dealt with things properly...and so its added to the gossip, others joining in and the facts getting lost about who said what and why.

 

 

Ive been subject to things getting taken out of context many times when misunderstandings have gone on and you have to sort it out and talk to all concerned quickly to stop it getting petty, spiteful or childish or harmful...and it sounds like it did get that way when it didn't need to have done...hence you talking of venting, so i can understand that you'd feel mad with this person...however, it might also be the fact that you are also and have reacted to what other people (at work) as well as what this girl is alleged to have said to you, which has kept the gossip and silliness going.

 

do you think everyone at your workplace was all for you in this???? work places are well known for boredom, gossips and backstabbers!!!!! all I am saying is that it might not just be this girl that has been damaging your reputation!!!!!!!! you might just not know it yet!!!!

 

I do stand by my thoughts on this post and I don't get the point of rhetorical posts from anyone that posts online topics when they don't actually want to do anything about something they are talking about.

 

you say you wanted to vent about something, so it was obviously meaning/meant something to you or you wouldn't have chosen post it at all,

but I respect peoples ways are different, however, it seems a bit indulgent to ask others for something that you say you don't really need to do anything about it anymore or say that youre not talking to someone anymore so it doesn't matter...to me,...its just asking for the hell of it.

 

its like asking for views on vegetarianism and then saying after everyone has replied, well thanks for that but im a solid meat eater!!!....as a replier who has taken the time and trouble to answer a reply you just think what is the point of all of that....it for me is a waste of time, it might not be a waste of your time and if that's what you really feel then fine, but for me it is a total waste of my time. the reply may be useful for that person, it may not, but it has been given time, so to then know someone claims theyre not that bothered about the outcome or their feelings of what went on (despite venting) says a lot too.

 

but look, this story and explanation of mine has gone on for long enough...but at least it is an attempt at an explanation, it is means of honest expression and it is a reply to a post that speaks of something that was/possibly is still (who knows!!!) a bit of a problem (whether it is still accepted by you as that or not) but it is a problem that doesn't communicate in any real detail that helps anyone get to understanding the real meat of what that problem is in a way that a more acute response can be offered.

 

 

I was questioning whether some of the girl's comments may have been fed back to you as completely accurate, because its easy to go off someone especially if others have added their bits to the mix, so she may have heard things about you or felt things about the way you were acting about what had gone on already that made her want to equally vent at you too!!!

 

people don't tend to go off people they were friends with for no reason, even if its a real trivial issue that they haven't communicated, there is a reason for it.

 

you talk of wanting to get thoughts out so they don't fester...but surely that clashes with a sentiment of someone who is telling us they don't care about this situation or person anymore. it suggests you haven't actually let this go as much as you say you have!

 

I am all for closure and trying to sort things out and communicating with the peoples' involved with as they happen. rhetoric doesn't always help when others get involved as its old news, therefore it is not that relevant, so therefore it IS in my humble opinion a waste of peoples time and emotions and input to a degree if it is hypothertical or based on rhetorical concluded events

 

I stand by all I said based on what I read, ...if there were more details I could have and would have answered from a more grounded base than having general subjects put over in a rather vague way and do not say what the real issues involved are just mainly the outcomes.

 

if it reads like a little drama, then so be it...but I still question whether this is resolved...the rhetoric and replies suggest otherwise, but maybe others will see it as a done deal for you and that you are truly ok with this thing now but I don't fully, I still think its grating on you, and I am only asking if this is really about one person's actions. as I don't think it is just about one person behaviour: others have played their part in this situation, and to an extent by not dealing with it when you could have, so you have also added to all of this.

 

you say this girl attacked your character and it sounds like there may have been other stuff said that was causing offence, but may be her character has also been attacked too, and I still think unless you talk (or have talked to ALL parties in this situation, the girl included, then you in your own small way now are also attacking someone's character and chances to explain and listen to your side and feelings on this, and by not offering the communication to sort/have sorted this out properly it has been allowed to feed off the negativity all around.

 

It doesn't sound sorted, but maybe you (if you are not wanting to talk to her anymore is your way of sorting things out...but again I do think its an immature thing always not to talk to people "IF" all of the facts and parties have NOT been spoken too...then i don't know if you can you say 100% you know all of the facts on this one,even if it feels as though you do (people can be liars at anytime to suit their situation if they are like that anyway as people).

 

can you honestly say that you haven't ever been fooled by others at work adding things and saying things to you (behind your back) about her that were deliberately made to make you feel a certain way against her or chip away at her character///even in a trivial way, people will say anything sometimes to make others belive they are totally innocent.. especially in a work gossiping enviornement and politics are inolved.

 

but hey, that's all I can say on this as you are and have been clearly mad at someone but are not sharing the whole facts as to say what may have caused this or why ..so yes, it does actually feel like a waste of time for me, answering to something where a decision has been made already...but if im honest, im not sure it is resolved in the best way you'd think fully grown adults in the work place should have handled this situation. (regarless of who the real victim is here).

 

if what she was saying was not true or trashing you so publically and secretly then what action did you take when you did know? because if you didn't take any and just let this thing roll on at work with others joining in adding to what was said, then again there is a problem that is not all about her being at fault this time and one that again should have been addressed, if she was calling your mental health into question!!!!.

 

but like I said already, you are mad with just only one person here!!!! but from what I can see in your reply there are "several" people's characters you should be also questioning with the same intterigation in this situation and unless you have challenged them all with face to face conversations (as well as this girl) asking everyone to explain, then you too may have been spun a pack of lies or deliberate untruths somewhere along the line.

 

you say you are open to addressing people...so why not address her and all of the others involved if you haven't already to find out exacty why they said what was said, why were things were mistaken about what you said, was it a mistake or gossip making things more confused or was it deliberate wish to hurt someone...why did people act like that.unless that is addressed tehn you might be carrying a grudge in a situation that has been not about what you or she thought!!!!! and again, that is another example pf wasted energy emotion and responses.

 

..you might also find out if you ever bother to get to the truth of this situation that it is not just me that you feel has added more of a storyline or silly drama to this situation

 

because also like me, if people don't thrash it out 100% when they know the facts, misunderstandings, lies and accusations and where they came from and why they were started or spread about in the first place...then it really is in reality a waste of emotions for you and others in this who also may have felt angered, sympathetic to have been feeling so fed up with this (and rightly so), its also a waste of an opportunity for you to put what was wrong right and move on and address (as you say youd like to do) with others to put an end to this and let them know what you think and why....then if you never see these people again fine, but at least it is the chance to end things and all the bitterness and anger with all sides given the chance to put their argument across.

 

ah well, this little story is over, my rhetorical reponse is done. but it is yet "another" example of so many posts on this site and social media generally....where situations are blown up and affect other people because

someone is unable to deal with things properly as they happen, poor communication fuels speculation or guessing, vague situations that are hiding other issues that without further clarification allow added misunderstanding, which feed back into the whole situation and inflame people all over with fresh mistaken sentiments being dragged round again at a later point.....

 

 

but maybe that is the danger of online posting, there is a potential danger of people (not all folks) but a growing number of people who are mainly looking for easy answers, answers to rhetorical ideas or to sound off without really dealing with issues with those they really need to keep talking too and those that have the real answers to help them move on or facts on what really happened and why.

 

life is too short not to try to sort things, (even if you talk and its decided after that that its a friendship or relationship over...not to try to sort things doesn't help anyone).

 

and the consequences of not being able to talk and sort things in a mature way just leads to angst for those involved or caught up in it all. (whether its a serious thing or trivial matter).

 

I guess what I am saying is that I could care on one hand, but really don't care at all on the other ...and that's the rub with these sorts of rhetorical posts....it just wastes peoples time going round and round...just because you can.....as my post hopefully will demonstrate!

 

maxi

Edited by maxi105
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