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Sad over ending toxic/narcissist friendship


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Old 15th January 2018, 1:39 PM   #1
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Unhappy Sad over ending toxic/narcissist friendship

I apologize for the length.

Friendship of over seven years ended before Christmas. She and my husband got into an argument over a trip WE planned (my husband and I). My husband was right. Im not just saying that, he really was right. She was being very unhelpful and negative. She wouldnt back down. She was being very rude to him and he asked her why she was acting this way, that he didnt like her behavior. She didnt like that. She cut him off. Cut me off when I said I would not be in the middle. I tried to talk to her about it (Im always the mediator) and she wouldnt, said he crossed a line.

We had a death in the family weeks later and she reached out to me after no contact for two weeks. I appreciated the condolences but it seemed forced. As if she knew she could get back in my good graces this way. I politely thanked her but said nothing afterwards. She has texted me a few times but I have not responded as I do not think this situation can be swept under the rug. Every other time, to avoid conflict, I would have apologized (even if I wasnt at fault) to keep things positive and moving forward. I understand now I was enabling bad behavior, possibly reinforcing it.

She has told mutual friends she will not apologize to my husband, and has said she has done nothing wrong. She has blamed my husband for the situation and maintains he is at fault. Personally I believe he called her out and she didnt like it. Even though she calls people out all the time, whether they want to hear it or not. She isnt used to people confronting her on her bad attitude and she couldnt handle it. This is generally how she handles people when they push back on her negative behavior. She cuts them out, does not admit fault and will never, ever apologize. Ive seen her boot people out of her life after something she did, that she would not apologize for. Everyone in her life makes excuses, saying "thats just her". & Ive made those same excuses for years. but I had enough after this last incident. Thats not how the real world works. You dont get to treat people how you want and get upset when they do the same to you.

All that being said and knowing at the end of the day she is not a nice person and will not change, I am having a hard time dealing with the end of the friendship. We did really have good times, and I think deep down she has the potential to be such a great friend. She would not come out this weekend as she knew we were there, with our mutual friends. Someone asked her to smooth things over and she said she had nothing to smooth over. This hurt me deeply. When you are friends for so long, how can someone so easily toss it away? Are prides and the need to be right that strong? If we were such good friends, as she maintains, why cant she just have a conversation with us?

All my friends tell me to leave it and let her go, that you cant change someone, that she will never know the damage she has done until she has no one left and maybe - just maybe - that might prompt her to look at herself and her behavior. Even though I know she was so toxic and even though I realize my life is easier and happier without her in it (always making excuses for her behavior, walking on eggshells, etc.) I miss her! I want to text her and for some reason I want to apologize for the situation. I dont know why Im so worried about pleasing her, I think its because I did for so long. I almost was afraid of her, afraid she would be mad at me for something, making sure I was always in her good graces. Toxic.


I feel bad for her, that shes pushed everyone away and doesnt see what shes doing. Its always someone else who did it, never her. Theres never any accountability and its so frustrating. Shes never wrong. her behavior is always justified. and I know even if I text her right now and try to talk to her about it shes not going to understand our side or empathize or god forbid apologize. I will be to blame, or my husband. & it will end up being worse.


If I know its bad for me why cant I just let it go? Should I reach out one last time and try to get a conversation going? We have mutual friends and I dont know how to navigate with that, with social outings. Or is it really a lost cause. I dont know if I need closure or what but Im struggling
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Old 15th January 2018, 2:23 PM   #2
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I'm assuming she is just too blunt and says what's on her mind and thinks she's always right. Did it get so bad it ended up with both parties yelling or just one or it never reached that point?

I'm just trying to put in perspective. It would help to actually know what the argument was.
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Old 16th January 2018, 11:32 AM   #3
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It sounds as though you have done your best on this one,i ive only realyy read it briefly as im in a hurry, but don't sweat it, if you have doen all you can and she isn't prepared to even talk to you to sort this out or say sorry or explain things then you cant have someone like this in your life at the moment.


I don't know why someone would get into a state about someone else's holiday!!!!...if there was a look for feeling curious on the emoji's id be using it lol.


you miss her because it is natural to do so and its a bereavement of sorts on top of the real physical bereavement you are going through.


look, if you want to just wait for her (but don't go out of your way for that)then ok, do that, but from the tiny bit ive read it really isn't a loss.


but as I don't know either of you or how things go blah blah, then just get on with the things you can in life and if she comes to you later on and is more mature about this then you can decide then if you feel her remorse is GENUINE!


(but only if it is genuine and she is prepared to work on herself to change).


you can only judge this situation on actions and her willingness to communicate or put things right. if she hasn't or wont offer you that then im afraid you gotta let this one go.


if its meant to change and heal in this situation it will...but I don't think there is much you can do to change someone's negativity, stubbornness and immaturity or aggression/arrogance unless they also wish for the change and to talk one to one.


good luck with the things that are ok for you. maxi
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Old 24th January 2018, 2:22 AM   #4
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Move on and don't look back. She knows her own issues but will never admit them to herself. It's easier for her to blame others and cause problems.

It isn't worth trying to fix things with her. She's dramatic and has no respect for boundaries in a friendship.
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Old 24th January 2018, 2:44 AM   #5
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whichwayisup nails it here;

Quote:
Move on and don't look back. She knows her own issues but will never admit them to herself. It's easier for her to blame others and cause problems.

It isn't worth trying to fix things with her. She's dramatic and has no respect for boundaries in a friendship.
I've known people like this who had many good qualities but sadly had other personality drawbacks that spoiled friendships. Sadly I've had to cut them out of my life because of their flagrant disrespect for me and my boundaries. Friends should support and respect you, and enhance your life, not drag you down.

It is natural to feel sad and you need time to grieve the loss of this friendship, then you can move on to more productive associations where you can have a more authentic interaction.

I'm sorry x
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