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Estranged from a close friend

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Old 10th January 2018, 1:12 AM   #1
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Estranged from a close friend

I have a friend that I knew from a non-profit program back in 2015. We have known each other for about 2+ years, and I consider her a very close friend. We always went out together, always tried to make plans together. I always considered her someone whom I could count on.

However, this past Thanksgiving things all changed. We originally made plans to celebrate Thanksgiving at my place. I had a one bedroom converted from a studio, so my apartment was spacious enough to host her and another friend. A plan was made to have her come over and we cook or eat out. However a week before the official day, she reached out to me to tell me that another of her friends, J, invited her to New Jersey and she thought it would be fun if we all went. I had work on Black Friday so travelling to Jersey didn't seem like a good idea, but I was also upset that she decided to change plans with me. She told me she wasn't changing plans, only that she wanted to do both places back-to-back. The idea was for her to hang out at my place in the morning and then head to New Jersey at night.

I told her no, because travel would have been a pain and I immediately cancelled plans at my plans. Of course, inside, I was fuming and extremely upset. I didn't understand why she had to do both places at once, especially since Thanksgiving travel be hectic. I didn't tell her I was upset, but I ended up deleting her from my Facebook and also changing my number.

I didn't talk to her for half a month and when I posted on Facebook about how upset I was about a few friends of mine, she immediately reached out to me through Facebook messenger to confront me. She said that I should have just been honest and that I was acting childish to have disappeared on her thus. I told her how I felt, especially since she had originally made plans with me and abandoning me the way she did, and she turned it on me saying that i had no right to be upset since she has always hopped from place to place during Thanksgiving. I ended up apologizing to her about it but while she accepted my apology, things haven't been the same.

In mid- December I invited her to a Christmas' party at my mom's workplace, the Pierre hotel and she told me she couldn't make it because she had to work that day. I reached out again to her on Christmas to wish her Happy birthday, however I wasn't even invited to her birthday get-together. She didn't bother to reach out to me on New Years' to wish me Happy New Years. I tried to add her back on Facebook but my invitation has been ignored. I reached out to her again to inform her I wanted to add her but she told me as long as I had her number, that was enough.

Basically, I have been feeling upset by this whole ordeal. She's a little more outgoing than me so it seems losing a friend wouldn't phase her. But I find myself browsing facebook and she's posting pictures of herself with other friends. Basically I've become estranged from her. Even more hurtful was she posted a meme on her facebook stating that people who **** with her in 2017, can't just go back to being her friend in 2018. I felt like that message was intentionally targeted at me.

So right now, I've fully lost a friend even though I have apologized to her and she had stated she forgave me. But forgiving something and actually being friends again are too different things.

Does anybody have any advice to help me mend this friendship?
"It's time to stop acting like a victim and start finding some".

- Bobsacramento
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Old 10th January 2018, 2:43 AM   #2
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This has happened to me. In adulthood it's not easy to retain our female friends... men become the top priority.

At any rate, yes, she sounds insensitive and/ or just doesn't understand you... she's outgoing, you're not... you sound like you need more friends... she doesn't.

I have been in this boat... still am, I guess. I've reconciled with an old friend from school via fb because the friendship went stale because we're just on different paths and because she's married and I'm not, I felt like garbage she had no need for... I stewed in resentment over it for a long time then reached out and made amends, and now I don't know why.

She says she's my friend again yet never wants to get together, phone, or do any more than send the very occasional text message and still mostly only if I do it first. So really, of what value is it?

But there's no point in sitting around feeling resentful. She is not going to suffer for it, only you will. Unfortunately, if we women want friends as adults they have to be men. My whole adult life if I wanted a friend to stick around for any significant period of time, it meant having to date. So try to find yourself a good guy... it's the only way... if you don't have one of course. But I'm assuming not unless I overlooked it in your post. You seem lonely.

Last edited by Fair; 10th January 2018 at 2:45 AM..
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Old 10th January 2018, 6:51 AM   #3
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I'll be honest here, I think your deleting/blocking her and changing your number because she switched up Thanksgiving plans was extremely immature/rash and not just something you bounce back from. Cancelling plans at your place altogether simply because she wasn't going to show at the time you wanted for the length of time you wanted was passive aggressive.There is no way I would feel comfortable if I felt that someone could essentially hate me for cancelling plans. I would feel that person was unstable, possessive, and/or out of line. I know it was very important to you, but she obviously wanted to do the NJ trip and tried to soften it by including you in those plans even though you couldn't go. She still offered to come over for the earlier part of the day, which I think is more than some people I know would do if they were going to hop off to another event. Obviously, your reaction to her caused irreparable damage to your friendship and now this is the end result.

Yes, the polite thing for her to do was to show up to your place, but you can't expect to control people, particularly around the holidays. I have friends who flake--even for things like birthdays--and those who show up for only parts of events and then leave to go on to another (the last part is so common in my age group that I don't even find it notable). I have not had a lot of support in my life so I understand it can occasionally be hurtful, but I think your reaction shows that this is a big trigger for you that isn't really about her in particular (who else abandoned you or didn't show up for you in your life?). Life happens, so it's best to put the invitation out there, hope for the best, and let people be. Don't allow one person to have so much control over your mood. You could have still had fun with your other friend despite this one not coming. If unwavering loyalty to plans is your priority in friendships, it's best you let this woman go.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be harsh, I just think it's futile at this point to beg this woman to participate in a friendship that she clearly feels put off from at this point in time.
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Old 10th January 2018, 7:41 AM   #4
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I have to agree with your friend — you've behaved childishly.

Even if she threw a curveball at your original plans, your friend did make an effort to share her Thanksgiving with you. Instead of showing her some flexibility, you rejected her because the plans weren't on your ideal terms.

Regardless, you had a chance there to voice your frustrations with her openly and sort that out. Instead you made the exceedingly immature moves of blocking her on Facebook and passive-aggressively fuming about what a sh*tty friend she was. (As your friend correctly perceived, that post about "how upset you were with a few friends" was clearly directed at her.)

To me, your post does raise bigger questions about the way you've positioned this friendship in your life and perhaps loaded too many expectations on it. While spending Thanksgiving with friends isn't abnormal, most people are celebrating with family —*you mentioned that your mom is in the area, but instead you centered the holiday around this friend and allowed her changes of plans to destroy your day. A normal reaction to that would be annoyance, not feeling "abandoned" as you say. Likewise, inviting her to your mom's workplace party seems a little odd. That's something a spouse may be obligated to join you for, but not a friend.

Somewhere along the line, you seem to have lost the casualness and ease that should come with friendships. It's possible your friend has completely lost interest in dealing with a relationship that comes loaded with such drama and baggage.

The only way forward for resuming this friendship would be for you to first adjust your expectations. Your friend is clearly not willing to play the role of centerpiece in your life, at risk of disappointing or hurting you at every turn. But if you're not capable of viewing her as more of a casual companion, it's not worth trying.
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Old 10th January 2018, 8:21 AM   #5
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I also agree with your friend OP. I can't stand possessive friends and will cut them off also. She has lots of friends and wanted to spend time with all of you. You should have told her how you felt in person rather than block her and delete. I don't blame her for not wanting to continue the friendship.
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Old 10th January 2018, 10:31 AM   #6
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Honestly, I can't blame your friend from cutting you off. I would have done the same thing. I am sorry you're hurting though. It's not easy to lose a good friend. But consider it a lesson learned. You can't just treat people however you want. And friends don't have to always forgive you or even keep being your friend. It's a hell of a lot easier to stop talking to a friend who you just don't care for anymore, than a partner or family.
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Old 11th January 2018, 3:45 AM   #7
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I'm not sure I could remain close friends with someone who behaved the way you did.

I also think it's kind of a bad sign that you didn't think to apologize until after she had to confront you. You don't even seem sorry, you seem like you're still mad at her, which I don't really understand at all.

Like, I'm not sure you get just how crazy you acted. If you understood that, I don't think you would be so sore that she didn't accept your invitation to your mom's work party (?) or that she didn't invite you to her birthday party. You chose to end the friendship by deleting her on facebook and changing your number. You can't just drop friends and then expect them to resume the friendship like nothing happened.

So, I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't want to be close friends with you anymore, but you could try making more of an effort. Maybe you could invite her to lunch, your treat. If she accepts your invite, you can try to smooth things over at lunch. If she doesn't, then it's time to leave her alone.
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Old 11th January 2018, 4:35 AM   #8
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I'm sorry, deleting someone as a friend on FB is not something to come back from easily. If you're upset, then stop their feed from coming through, but don't delete.
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Old 11th January 2018, 1:45 PM   #9
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OP seems to have disappeared, but wanted to add... I DO relate to your story in this sense:

I'm bisexual, and I had a couple of intense female friendships in the past that blurred lines into something more intimate, almost romantic. Both friendships, at their peak, were my #1 support system and social outlet at the time.

In both cases my emotions and reactions would sometimes get inflated beyond normal friendship—i.e. some possessiveness and extra sensitivity. (OP, if that Thanksgiving scenario had happened to me with one of these girls, I'd have been pissed and hurt.)

In my case, I can clearly see now that my "extra" emotions were present due to some mild sexual currents within these friendships, and some traditional boundaries crossed with affection and intimacy.

OP, I'm not suggesting any lesbian angle to your friendship, since you haven't mentioned that, but I know that even some platonic female friendships can enter this kind of weird gray zone where the intensity is amped up higher than normal and more feelings are involved. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you somehow got there with this girl.
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