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Best friend completely cut all lines of communication

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Old 17th December 2017, 3:02 PM   #1
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Best friend completely cut all lines of communication

Hey guys,

My best friend of 7 years (who is in the mid-twenties, as I am) has completely cut all lines of communication with me since the end of October.

Background- we have been through it all, emotionally exhaustive exes, friends and family. We stuck through thick and thin, despite me living in London and her living in Hong Kong for the past 7 years. She was/is my biggest strength, my go-to person for the past decade. We have had a very chilled out friendship, we talk when we're free and we can go for days without talking and pick up where we left. She has been going through a difficult time at home with her family as they are entirely disapproving of her boyfriend of 2 years (he is OK but I am not fond of him, because he is very superficial and shallow, but I have ALWAYS supported her decision to love him). My best friend responded to my messages and calls with a passive tone in the last two weeks of October before I finally asked her if something wrong. I assumed that her parents must be stressing her out and hence she was not finding the time to talk to me. But it turns out, that she actually ignored me on purpose because she had "a few things" on her mind that she wanted to talk to me about. Till date, that's all she has told me. So I naturally called her but she hasn't answered the phone a single time. She is unemployed and she is not a student, but somehow, she has unfortunately not found the time to call me back and address whatever on earth is on her mind. Here we are, in the middle of December. I sent her a message saying this is ridiculous- but no response to that either!

I had a massive meltdown last week as I'm so heart-broken. I don't understand why she refuses to talk to me completely. Her mother called me two weeks ago but I dodged that call because her mother is aware of the fact that I'm not a huge fan of the boyfriend and I didn't want to complicate matters between my best friend and myself.

My working theories are;
1. My best friend thinks I am the one telling her parents to hate on the BF- which I'm 100% not. As much as I dislike him, I love my bestie and her happiness is paramount. I persuaded him to buy her a birthday gift (I'm not being materialistic, he could've sent her a card or flowers or something but he didn't get her anything and I personally went out of my way to help him get her a bday gift because my bestie was so upset). Her parents are aware of the fact that I dislike the bf and that I've never believed he was truthful to her (which he wasn't sadly)

2. She is just busy- she loves social media and I see photos of her everyday (I kid you not) of either "chilling with xyz" or having some "me time" in her balcony. And given the lack of employment or education commitments, I don't understand how she hasn't found TEN MINUTES to talk to me in TWO MONTHS. I work in a HIGH stress job with intense working hours and I have managed to touch base with her, be there for her on days it was bloody impossible for me to eat a meal! I actually feel let down! that I've finished ranting...
-what do I do? obviously my hands are tied to large extent considering SHE is the one that is unresponsive.
-I had a horrible, HORRIBLE event occur to me at work recently. Luckily, I had my boyfriend to support me through it. But I felt so heart broken that I couldn't talk to her and almost let down in a way? That she hasn't been a good friend to me?
-why does the end of friendship hurt so much? She was like a little sister to me.

Please can anyone give me any advise as Im constantly tearful and I've had to deactivate some of my social media as I can't bear to see her photos and see I'm being ignored by her (guess I still carry some baggage with respect to social rejection haha). My boyfriend has been a pillar of support but I'm so scared, that I might shoo him away because I'm needy right now.
falxmanolo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2017, 6:00 PM   #2
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I think it's weird you interfered with whether he gave her a BD gift or not. Not sure what all went into that. Maybe she doesn't like you communicating with him. Maybe she doesn't like you communicating with her parents. Maybe she feels you are crossing a line and intruding into her other relationships. That's my best guess based on what you told me.

Other than that, the only thing that stood out is you are "heartbroken." Usually we reserve that for people we have a crush on and not our best friends. You sound like you're controlling and maybe she feels smothered by that. You should just leave her alone and see if she ever tells you what the problems are. I think you're too wrapped up in her life and sometimes getting in the way. She's a big girl and that's her own job. Besides, if you don't like the bf, why would you enable him by making him gift her instead of letting her see what he will and won't do on his own? That's not at all productive.

You need to leave her alone, though. Sorry she hasn't been forthright, but you're crossing the line trying to force any contact now since she's made her stance clear not wanting contact. Busy yourself with your own life now and see what happens. And do NOT go onto her social media! Why would you do that when she's cut off contact?
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2017, 6:09 PM   #3
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I think it's odd that you rejected a call from her mother. My first thought was that the mother may have had concerns about your friend and wanted to talk with you about it. The answers you seek could well have been in that call.

At any rate, if that wasn't why the mother was calling, you could have simply said that the daughter has disappeared off the radar for now and you don't know what's going on.

Seems like a whole lot of poor communication on both sides here.
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Old 18th December 2017, 2:59 AM   #4
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My working theories are;
1. My best friend thinks I am the one telling her parents to hate on the BF- which I'm 100% not.
Here's my theory. Please correct if I'm wrong. I'm guessing that while you're not necessarily "telling her parents to hate on" her boyfriend, but that you do (or did) maintain private contact with her parents, and that you let unfavorable information about him slip. So, did you recently happen to mention to her parents something ****ty that her boyfriend did?

Her mother called me two weeks ago but I dodged that call because her mother is aware of the fact that I'm not a huge fan of the boyfriend and I didn't want to complicate matters between my best friend and myself.
If my best friend quit talking to me and I HAD NO IDEA WHY, I would jump to answer a call from her mom, at least just to ask her if my best friend is okay. You didn't answer because you know your friend is mad at you about something having to do with you and her mother. I bet you know what it is, so you should apologize to your friend about that. And then leave her alone, unless she comes to you.

And take this opportunity to learn how to back way off. You "personally went out of your way" to help him get her a birthday gift? That is too much involvement. I know you did it partly because you don't want to see your friend hurt, but jesus, that really wasn't your place. You may have made things worse.

And don't talk to her parents about her boyfriend. They don't like him, you don't like him. There's really nothing else to talk about. Any future conversations about this would only be adding fuel to the fire and giving them more reasons to disapprove of their relationship. Gossiping, really.
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Old 18th December 2017, 5:49 AM   #5
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I'm not going to speculate about why your friend is doing this because I think others have covered it well.

I'm going to empathise instead. My best friend cut me off for (as far as I can tell) no reason, out of nowhere. I went on holiday for 2 weeks. The day before I left, we saw each other, we spoke while I was away and when I got back....poof! disappeared. Before that, we spoke every day, saw each other at least once a week and shared anything. Afterwards, she was barely replying to my messages and didn't want to see me (we did see each other once or twice and she quite clearly didn't want to be there). I tried reaching out, asking what was wrong, if I'd done anything and got no answers in return, everything "was fine". I stopped chasing her because she clearly didn't want to be bothered by me. We haven't spoken since

My point is, I was really sad. I wouldn't use the word heartbroken, but it really hurt. To be so close to someone and for it to just stop really, really hurts. I don't make close friends easily and I thought we would be there for each other forever. I was obviously wrong.

Hopefully your friendship is salvageable, whatever the reason. But you both have to want to fix it. If she doesn't want to, you'll have to just let her go.
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