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Guilt-tripping 'friend'.

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Old 7th July 2017, 10:01 AM   #1
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Guilt-tripping 'friend'.

I've been friends with a woman for about six months. We hit it off pretty well at the start but then I began to see some disturbing traits in her.

1. She loathes her obesity and hates on thin women. I mean, really hates. She detests anybody who is attractive and even more, women who take pride in their appearance, including me. She says I "worry too much".

2. Always needing reassurance. It is tiresome. Constantly asking 'Are we OK?'

3. Can't get a boyfriend and blames being eclipsed by beautiful women. She never wears a bra and this is TMI but she really, really needs to wear one.

4. I can't finish a sentence. eg If I say I saw a bloke today she will cut in and say 'f a hole'. With women, it's bitch.

5. This is the worst for me. She carries a small plush monkey in her handbag and uses it as a puppet to talk to people. It was a bit novel to begin with but she imposes the filthy, unwashed object onto people and expects to be accepted for it. I saw it as cute and peculiar to begin with but now it is nothing but a look-at-me imposition. FTR, she is 40.

6. She is forever talking about negative carp. Her neighbours are a holes. The landlord is a pig. The people in the local soup kitchen hate her. (She goes to wherever the food is free.)

Now, I have the habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt and she didn't show these murky colours until about a month ago. I need a lot of space, not just from her, but from society in general. I go off the grid when I am depressed and that works for me. I am emotionally self-sufficient and have friends and interests that don't include her.

It has been three weeks since I have seen her and there has been an onslaught of texts expressing her desperation for company and that puts me off. She says everyone has rejected her. I detest needy behaviour in adults. Most of her texts are inanities such as cooking tips and how to not be isolated. I rarely respond and even then I say 'thanks for the tip'.

I sent a laboriously long text to let her know that I have a life which doesn't revolve around her all the time and she let fly with one text after another (about ten in total) over the next hour. Each text included references to my needing my space and how she respects that but wants to catch up. Things got more inflammatory with each message to the point where I had to reply to let her know that I am not responsible for her feelings. This is where she started to get abusive, again, regarding my solitude. She said I don't appreciate her and I have fulfilled that prophecy.

She wants her portion of the money back for foods we ordered in even though she hoovered 3/4 of it. I like to savour my food and she is insatiable. She goes to a well-known fast food joint on her way home from having dinner at my place and I am not at all stingy with food. She just eats like a pig! She looks at my half-eaten meal and I now she is waiting to see if I finish it. When the pizzas arrive, she bulldozes her way to the door and it is MY house we are in.

She says the neighbours bully her and has been to court for assaulting one of them. The details were sketchy.

OK, to the point. She told me she possessed five of the BPD traits and I think I have witnessed enough to stop the slow fade and just tell her I don't want to be friends, no explanation. To my mind, this could have incendiary results. She says she practices revenge witchcraft (lol) which she learned on youtube and I know that most of the occult is BS. I don't know what she is capable of, to be honest.

Am I imagining things or is this individual potentially dangerous? I want her out of my life and we live in a small city. I apologise for the long rant.
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Old 7th July 2017, 11:47 AM   #2
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It seems like the more you say to her, the more you are fanning the flames. Maybe in this case Id just do a slow fade, and hope she finds someone else to latch on to.
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Old 7th July 2017, 6:07 PM   #3
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She just sounds like a mess (the talking monkey was the first tip off -- that is VERY odd). I wouldn't even say she's a mess because she's huge. I'd say she's a mess no matter what size she'd be.
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
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Old 7th July 2017, 7:19 PM   #4
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She does actually sound dangerous to your well being. I'd advise you to get away from that person.
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Old 7th July 2017, 8:19 PM   #5
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“I want to b friends bc I enjoy ur company. Wd luv to catch up soon. I respect u want to be alone but I hope u still want to see me occasionally. Bye. (smiley face)”

“It has been about three weeks. I've had extreme anger issues which are isolating and exhausting so extrication is for the best. I was on Bruny for a few days. I've been looking at work/study options. I've been seeing old friends. Had a date with an old flame. Read 3 novels. Been reassessing my diet as I have gained more bulk than I care to carry. No, I don't 'worry too much' about how I look but I give a big ***** about self-presentation. I care about how society views me. Also, most of my families' birthdays occur in Winter which can be challenging. In summary, 3 weeks may seem like eternity, I'm sorry you feel rejected and I cannot help that. Three weeks! TTUL8TR. T.”

“Nice to hear Frm U. Miss u hope to hear from you again. I don't feel so rejected now bc u responded. Next time u CD come over for a roast and tell me about this old flame of yours x0 penny.”

“This may sound harsh but I am not responsible for your feelings. (angry face)”

“I know but if u want to b friends it has to be a two way street that's all.” Meaning what???

“the balls in ur court if u want space.” Got it. And it looks like it will stay in my court.

“u can't expect someone to keep contacting you if u say u want to b alone!”

“i feel unappreciated by u. c u.”

This is a small portion of the conversation, me in italics.
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Old 7th July 2017, 8:47 PM   #6
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If you don't want her as a friend, don't have her as a friend. No need to explain more.
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Old 7th July 2017, 10:54 PM   #7
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Sounds like she hasn't physically done anything to most of the other people she's rude and offensive to. She my be dangerous, but it seems the risk is negligible.

Don't apologize for removing people like this from your life. I learned this skill late in life, but now I'm ruthless about it. Steadfast and unapologetic. Don't let people who bring negativity to your life hang around. They will only make you miserable.
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Old 8th July 2017, 12:44 AM   #8
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Honestly, I'd just get beamed up by a UFO if I were you.

Btw, make sure you don't leave any hairbrushes out. My former bipolar/borderline roommate also practiced witchcraft and stole mine.
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Old 8th July 2017, 4:20 AM   #9
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Cheers to everybody. Healing light, what did you mean by beaming up by a UFO? Did your roommate succeed in their efforts to do the work of the devil on you?
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Old 8th July 2017, 9:06 PM   #10
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it sounds like if all you are saying about her is true then she may also have more than her fair share of troubles and maybe you should take that into consideration before knowingly or otherwise swaying our opinions with things that any sane person would obviously react to; eg; the puppet story etc, you are adding your own spin because you are sick and tired of this woman.

I'm not saying you don't have a right to be tired of her, the whole thing sounds very draining, but IF SHE DOES have any kind of "certified" health issues then I'm not sure it's fair to expose them in this way and add additional emotive details to your post that is designed to influence anyone reading this and maybe go further to undermine an individual that probably is at a desperate place and a place that you may never in your lowest times in life never begin to experience should there be any kind of mental health issues, criminal activity/antisocial behaviors or anything like that at the heart of her issues.

just bear in mind before you lambast her that some people have really difficult lives, challenging and socially grating though they may be, they are at best vulnerable and most likely underneath may be reacting to other things as well as personal situations such as dangerous or frightening situations escalating out of control, alcohol or drugs dependency, debt that leads to theft or other crimes etc...having people turn their backs or throw away the key in some kind of authority/verbal or physically challenging kind of way can also bring its own aggression to the situation and she may be just offloading it all onto you as you've been there to listen for the past few months.

I sympathize with the real meaning of what you are saying I really do, however I just think some of what you have said (well, more the way you have said it is perhaps isn't giving a picture that is even considering a 6 month span of knowing a person).

if it were me, I would speak to this person face to face on a day or time when you are calm and relaxed and she seems in a stable mood and just tell her that you are finding her behaviors unacceptable and that you need your space from her and can't give the sort of attention, care or time that you feel that she needs now. just be honest with her and explain why this is affecting you; but also give her the respect to have a fair chance to reply and tell you how and why she feels how she does (you may be surprised by some of what she says, if you knew what she thought and her you this issue would not be so intense and raw as its got .

if she tells you more of her problems simply tell her you feel she would be better to talk to a professional if you know she isn't already doing so and explain that you are not experienced enough to handle this kind of complex problem as you haven't known her long enough and don't know enough about her personal history that have shaped/bruised her the way she is now.

if she has a go then that's the time to just tell her straight what you feel but not before that point! if she pleads with you to be friends and you don't want that then again you have to be honest but kind with her, maybe she won't get it so tell her again and again till it sinks in, but you have to be fair and honest.

it sounds like communication on your side is boiling up and will boil over but at her expense, (which is partly what she is doing to you but in a more extreme way) and that isn't entirely fair if you haven't expressed things to her in the way you think you have online.

I'm sorry to say this but I feel that there is something in your post that sounds a bit mocking and it comes across as though you are suggesting a bit she's mad, so side with me!!!! sorry, but that's how it comes across.
you say she goes to a soup kitchen and then says she goes to anywhere that food is free? is that true other than to yours for food and takeouts? do people go to soup kitchens for fun or just because they are there? or is there a need for food that you don't know? can she feel friendship or comfort at the soup kitchen being around people that may share some of the tough times she's clearly gone through.

you say you've had depression, maybe she does too and is using food to cope when no one either listens or can cope with her behaviors.
I'm not excusing her actions in the kind of personality that I can imagine (in your post) as vie known quite a few very troubled people like this in life too, however there may be many many things you just don't know that have lead her to some dark and difficult or traumatic places, so to make a link with someone freeloading generally and then in the same breath tell us that she uses soup kitchens doesn't sound very fair.

I'm sure being 40 and having to use a soup kitchen may be degrading or humiliating for her or anyone who felt they could have had a different life, maybe her life had become bitter and troubled because she has faced brick walls, judgments preventing work or maybe institutions have scarred her view on life and how she see others now. but there is nothing to say she won't get the help she needs in the future. whether you are there or not.

maybe do the girl a favor and talk to her and show compassion and distance and explain why you have been the way you have: only then I feel can you judge her or leave her out of your life once you've spoken to her directly. Sending off angry or pleading texts isn't helping anyone (you or her).

there is nothing to say somewhere later in life you don't also find yourself in a place where your own health detieriates or you feel financial desperation or greif that breaks you, I hope It never happens, but vie known really well heeled, very very well public-school educated people that now are living rough due to different personal issues that have brought them down. it happens!!!! and can strike people or health issues can strike people, sometimes just because of how others have treated them repeatedly. no one knows what is around the corner, so maybe it wouldn't hurt you to be a bit more careful not to right someone off because you can't take their issues on and they are making you annoyed, fed up and drained.

I always say to talk to people, I think you'd be better to talk to her as by not talking you are not giving her a voice which is making her feel more pain emotionally and mentally (whether you realize it or whether you care about that or not) , I feel it is basic human dignity to offer respect and a listening ear) even if you meet her knowing that you won't ever see her again, at least give her closure!

you don't know what courage she has gone through to talk to you and tell you her issues, and you don't know what she will say unless you actually talk to her.

she clearly needs some kind or level of professional help, she may get it she may not, but I feel that until you talk to her this whole situation isn't going to end and if you ignore her you may get more than you bargained for if she explodes! and then should that happen you will be giving her another life damning blow maybe via being arrested, thrown out of her home/hostel, jailed, self harm, assault etc who knows...

I'm not sure it's fair to just wash your hands of someone just because you can't cope with the relationship, there is a proper way to leave a relationship, and if you are a decent, mature adult then you surely would want to do it the right way wouldn't you? I know I would, and if that fails then you tell them a few home truths. but maybe you also might learn things about your own behaviors and mistakes you have made in dealing with this!! also you have a right to tell her how it is making you feel and she has that right also, so why deny that as it means you don't get the full picture, you just do your thing and damn her as she P's you off!.

of course you must and will decide your own way to deal with this situation. but like I say on the whole I can sympathize with this whole thing and do understand just how destructive behaviors like this can be, but you have to deal with it in the right way, just turning your back on another person, health problems or not is not a mature, caring, sensitive or likely way to deal with this problem! you both need to grow up but in different ways!!!

be the bigger person once more and give her the respect for one final meeting and frank but calm conversation (that maybe if you were in her shoes you might want and need to have returned).

it's easy to send nasty texts, it's easy to shoot off your anger (and that goes to both of you) but what it isn't so easy to do is to look at your own behaviors and attitudes and prejudices in cases like this, and it is often even harder to talk face to face. you are the stronger of the two here, and you have a good chance to clear this up, but not if you go into this blind, prejudiced, with close mind or not allowing her to speak about her feelings how you have also made her feel).

at least if you talk to her you will know you tried.

if nothing else remember this woman deserves one last moment of dignity and honesty rather than what I suspect she has probably had years of ridicule, bullying, apathy, judgments, broken promises, insecurity, hopelessness, violence, aggression, anxiety and depression.

maybe 20-30 minutes of your life to say goodbye isn't that big a deal to try to get peace into your life again. just put yourself in her shoes once more and think would you like a chance to talk to someone you feel is distant (even if the fault is partially yours).

maybe you have a better life? who knows, if so, don't put your privileges or things you take for granted above another humans plea for help.

I'm sure this won't be the answer you want, but the things you say make me feel uncomfortable in bashing this individual anymore regardless of how much of a pain you feel she is. the bottom line is that we all have feelings. even she does and her texts are expressing that to you and at times are trying to stay positive to let you know she really needs to talk to you. if you are the decent person the underlying essence of your post suggests you are (even though you are exhausted and brought down by her); I can't help feeling it would do you both a lot of good to talk this thing through and then go your separate ways. just be kind to her and be honest and be serious in your intent as you are in offering her chance to reply and show her respect that at times she obviously shows you (however mixed up, emotionally aggressive or draining and conflicting it all seems).

yes, I respect that you know (well for 6 months at least) this person, but you also say that some of the facts about her personal situation are sketchy.

do you know her neighbors or landlord? maybe they have been treating her badly and bullying her. no one deserves to be bullied surely, bullying can also comes from those who pass on information to others in the hope that they will see someone in a bad light (whether it's all true, not true or partially true) and reputations once damaged can be hard to mend. She has other issues that others are likely to keep her reputation in a bullying nightmare hell for her so unless you know all the facts at least give her the chance to discuss them if she is able to.

why trash someone you've known for 6 months that sounds as though they have other issues and not all the facts are known.

surely as someone who has depression and wants to escape from society there must be times when you need to talk to someone or you know your feelings overwhelm you. I feel you are also witing from a point of strength and there maybe times when you come across as needy or people feel a loss to reach you due to your own depression. I'm not making light of or blaming you for your stance or having depression, what I am saying is that at least give her once last chance to talk and say goodbye, don't meet her at your home again or anywhere near food or alcohol etc and speak form your heart and I'm sure you'll find she does the same, even if you argue, it's clear things and you'll both be able to move on because you know where you both stand in all of this.

guessing how she feels and her you isn't getting either of you anywhere except bringing more distress!!!!! you have to TALK TO HER!!!!! it's the only way. I really hope this works for you. but opening your issues against her online isn't changing anything and we only have your side of it!!! but GOOD LUCK,
you'll feel better for getting this out of the way with her, and I'm sure she will feel relief and may start to look to her own behaviors and reflect to start to try to want to change things. but like you, she may not know all the facts.
sorry if this has been a bad reply for you. "but it's an honest one", and I always do honesty, it's much easier in the long run. and hopefully honesty via kindness will help you both in the long run.
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Old 8th July 2017, 10:35 PM   #11
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Red face

Maxi105, all of the answers, including yours, have been valid. It isn't a case of the answer I wanted or didn't want. I'm open to constructive criticism and the occasional reality check and you certainly delivered. I am humbled.
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Old 9th July 2017, 6:31 AM   #12
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hi vesna, "aarrggghhh", ive just lost my reply to you only seconds before I could send I'm afraid I'm going to have to settle for a super short version (if that's possible for me!!!!! lol ) so hopefully that will be ok for you. sorry.

firstly thanks for your thoughtful and honest reply, If you can take anything from what any of us have posted to you about this situation then that's a got to be good thing and can only help what you want to say to this lady if you take the challenge and talk to her.

I was sure you'd get the "not what you wanted to hear" bit, but I sometimes write that kind of thing as you never know how people will take things and where emotions are concerned misunderstandings can be made on either side.

in replying to peoples thoughts It wouldn't be realistic of me to expect people to agree with me if they felt something wasn't right for them and so I accept that, (anything has the potential to clash online) I'm just trying to think about the problem and respect what is going on there.

regarding a potential chat with this lady, It may be the case that this woman doesn't just leave if you alone like that especially if you have been a source of friendship for a while to her, but as long as you are consistent, honest and kind she may begin to get the message and you can soon find peace again in your life. you might just have to say it for a while before things change properly. so just go with it once you've spoken to her as it may not happen overnight and may crop up at occasional times in the future, but time I think will help you both to get distance and proper closure.

the last thing I thought of was have you tried mentioning excercise as a means of fun or leisure as I feel it would enable her to get some self esteem back, and really start to achieve things again rather than focusing on you.

the link between fitness and health is truly empowering; but again be sure to take the angle of what it can bring to her life not be mistaken for an attack, as she is emotional and might easily see it that way.

if she does like the idea of a gym just help her to think about just getting advice how to use the equipment first (if she hasn't been to one) and then suggest she does it on her own rather than getting involved with a personal trainer as that might intimidate or overwhelm her physically too soon and put back any mental progress on what can be achieved.

often personal trainers can go a bit o.t.t. with people because they care, know their stuff well and want to see results with what they know, but there are also a lot of people for who that kind of experience may be too much and if she is very overweight she might find it too exposing and the last might be the last thing she needs ; being thrust forward for more people to judge, comment or mock. (yes even in a fitness environment you can get people sneering or forcing people to train well beyond their comfortability because they feel intimidated or fear).

but look, I'm not dissing personal trainers, I'm just saying they are not for everyone and in her specific case from what you've said, I feel that the drive really needs to come from her as she will get more form it and wont be in danger of latching on to someone else!!!!! that's not healthy for her in the long run and a personal trainer just wont have the endless attention it sounds that she's used to, to give outside of the time slot for each client.

if that wouldn't suit her does she have a bike and is it safe for her to cycle where you live, that might offer a different sort of challenge and iscolate her from unwanted comments or looks a gym could give? sometimes gyms can be intimidating if you are fragile. but I'm sure she will know what to do health issues or not, she will have her own set of skills and strengths that are not affected by all of the negativity that is dogging her at the moment.

could her g.p. recommend a fitness group or could she find a group for older people or overweight classes or maybe get a home dvd to work out to in privacy. either way I feel that would be a great way for her to start to build up her confidence, self esteem and respect and could start to change her outlook on other women's physical appearance.

I also think better fitness would alter over time her eating habits and she could learn to love herself a bit more.

ok, that's it, i've done my best to go over what I originally replied and lost - but that's the heart of what I was saying; so thank you for taking the time to reply, I really hope this works out for you. er...did I say it would be a short reply???!!! ah well. I tried! see ya and best wishes for this situation, ifeel it will sort itself out in its own time. maxi.
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Old 9th July 2017, 7:58 AM   #13
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healing light #8

Btw, make sure you don't leave any hairbrushes out. My former bipolar/borderline roommate also practiced witchcraft and stole mine.

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Old 9th July 2017, 8:30 AM   #14
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Hi Maxi, I just lost a reply when signing back in. It happens frequently and it is rather frustrating so I will try again.

I fear the suggestion of exercise will be interpreted as another attack on her already shattered self-esteem.

I am fully accountable for my own recovery and happiness and have been in therapy for 10 years. I have a few friends and a support team which has taken 10 years to construct. My emotional tank is running on fumes and the only person I have such time for is my brother who is as ill as I am, not that he is ready to admit it. I am keeping a close eye on him as he is falling apart from realizing he has depression and is an alcoholic. Our father took his life when we were teens and be damned if I see him do that to his kids.
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Old 9th July 2017, 8:38 AM   #15
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He is all I have left, since I dissed our mother for sexually abusing both of us when it took her fancy, not that he recalls it because he was so little. I saw all of it. I told Dad. Mum said I was lying. Dad knew I wasn't. I think the reason he died by his own hand was so that our mother wouldn't die by his hand. We lost the wrong parent.

I digress. The truth is, I don't even have the energy to work with the disabled any more, that is how drained I am. Therapy is a double edged sword. Right now I am between nadir and exaltation. there is no between. P will have to grow a pair, somehow, and fend for herself. Her family are supportive and her landlord is her brother.
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