Friend doesn't respect boundaries, then makes me feel bad for trying to set them

[faithinthesound]

I have this friend, let's call her D. D is emotional, touchy, and volatile. She's been my friend for ten years, more. Despite her horrible behavior, I can't seem to drop her.

 

I came out to her as asexual a few years back. This was difficult for me to do, and came at the end of an intense period of soul searching. She scoffed, and said "No you're not. You masturbate." In five words, she shut me down - and again, this was incredibly hard for me to work up to being able to say out loud. I felt obligated to explain asexuality to her from the perspective of someone who really does identify as asexual. My choices were take on the emotional labor of explaining (when, if she had questions, she could have hit up Google or asked me respectfully), or know that she didn't take me seriously at all.

 

I came out to her as trans about a year after that, and essentially the same thing happened. She scoffed, dismissed, and belittled me while I was attempting to say something that was, for me, even harder than coming out as asexual. Again, I felt forced to explain myself, to explain the minutiae of my identity to a person who I knew was half listening, half formulating her "reasons why not" speech.

 

More recently, I put in an application to train to become a teacher. As part of preparing for this, I completely sanitized my FB. Where before I was very outspoken on things like politics and social justice, now my FB consists of pictures of pugs and bad puns, interspersed with bland/banal daily updates from me.

 

She tagged me in an article about gender issues, and I asked her to untag me. I said, "I really appreciate your thinking of me when you saw that, but I have to be so careful what I'm tagged in connection with. I'm happy for you to share things with me in private, via messenger, but I need you not to tag me in things like this in public."

 

I didn't think this was a very hard request to honor. I don't even think it was an unreasonable ask. Yet I was subjected to a half an hour's lecture (I'm exaggerating, but only a little) on why what she had done was not a big deal, how I was being so unreasonable to set that boundary with her, and what I should do (me, the "victim" of this situation, rather than her, the person who was refusing to accept this new boundary) to prevent the situation from happening again.

 

I got cross. She got crosser, because how dare I stick up for myself. We ended up resolving nothing.

 

Last week the same damn thing happened, only this time, she tagged me in a comment rather than the post itself, which made it harder for me to just untag myself. I asked her to untag me, and reminded her of my request not to do that. She told me she thought it had only applied to that particular situation, and basically saw nothing wrong in what she had done. I repeated, take it down, because I need to be careful about what my name comes up in connection to. She did take it down, but not before yet another "discussion" about, again, why what she had done was not a big deal, how I was being so unreasonable to set that boundary with her, and what I should do to prevent the situation from happening again.

 

I said "once, just once, I'd like to ask you something like this and have you say oops, my bad, instead of having to listen to you justifying doing the things I ask you not to do." She flipped out, told me that the entirety of my side of this conversation had been "unnecessarily hostile", and that I needed to "check [my]self". She said it was explaining her side of things, not justifying. I said, what she calls explaining, feels an awful lot like justification, and I was tired of being "explained" to when I had made a simple request.

 

My contention is, when I ask something simple of her like that, she should show me the respect of just complying. I'm not asking much, and I'm never asking her to do something that would compromise her religious or political beliefs or that would cost her money or that would negatively impact her wellbeing. I only ever ask things/set boundaries around me, my person, and how I am represented online.

 

What say the internet?

[todreaminblue]

if she is your friend she should respect you its as simple as that......my youngest daughter came out to me two years ago and reading this post makes me feel guilty......because i really sort of vetoed her honesty...said nah your not gay its just a phase....and pushed her and pushed her to believe this to be the case.....it goes against what i believe and when she told me i said i will always love you no matter what and i accept you for who you are but having sex with same sex i cannot agree with or agree with same sex marriage...and the truth is i did not accept she was gay.

 

i secretly thought and hoped and prayed the phase would end soon.......until recently.....and i still love her...but i dont agree i do now accept her...and her choices and i love her friends too..... but i cant agree....and we have our common ground to meet at and enjoy.....

 

i respect her space...as her mum.....and she respects me and my space...as do her friends who visit here.....i hug them they hug me and we have things we can discuss other than sex and marriage......and that is how boundaries are formed respect understanding and compromise...if your friend cant be part of this..is she your true friend? what you ask is as you said not much...she should respect you....enforce that.....stand by your boundary and hold it fiercely...be stubborn and stoic.........true friendship will always be in recognising and respecting boundaries.....friendship is a form of love...and love is all about compromise and respect...but defending boundaries si what you need for mental and emotional and even physical health, we all have boundaries to maintain stay strong.......good luck...deb

Edited June 3, 2017 by todreaminblue

[salparadise]

Last week the same damn thing happened, only this time, she tagged me in a comment rather than the post itself, which made it harder for me to just untag myself. [...] She did take it down, but not before yet another "discussion" about, again, why what she had done was not a big deal, how I was being so unreasonable

 

This person just doesn't get boundaries. If I were you (which I'm obviously not), I might try and explain to her what a boundary is...

 

"hey, this is me (indicating your body and two feet of space surrounding you), and that is you (indicating the same two feet surrounding her). So the deal is, if we're to remain friends, you have to stay outside of my hula hoop, and if there is ever a question then ask first. And I just want to let you know while there is no immediate issue, that if I have unfriend you on facebook because of this it's not personal, it's just me protecting my space. We've discussed it, and I need you to respect it."

 

I've had a few friends over the years that didn't understand boundaries and what I've found is, eventually they just wear you out and you have to let them go. They are missing a piece of social learning that 99.9 percent of everyone understands without having to be told, and after being told they still don't get it, and on top of that they feel like you asserting a boundary is doing them wrong and they'll play victim. There is only so much that can be tolerated.

[lawlus]

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences. This sounds really difficult.

 

This friend sounds really toxic. She is being unreasonable by denying you such respect. Regardless of your reasons, asking a friend not to do something should be respected. It all sounds very 'I'm sorry you feel that way' rather than 'I'm sorry for my foolish actions.'

 

Some people will just never see your viewpoint and will never try. Perhaps consider what this friend is bringing to your life and whether the pros of her friendship outweigh the cons. It sounds like she causes you a great deal of distress. You have confided in her twice about really big matters for you and she has literally scoffed in your face. That is not how a true friend behaves.

[maxi105]

Hi there, ive only read your post quickly, but from what little I did read I am shocked!

 

in my honest opinion (and this time I am going to be frank, so you may not like it)? I think that you need to "sanitize" this person, (please note I did not say friend!!!) and that is because I don't actually feel that this individual is actually any friend of yours! and probably shouldn't be.

 

10 years is a long time, and I am sure there are great things about this person that you have enjoyed in the past and that have brought you happy times and laughter together; but im afraid this is just pushing things way too far in my opinion.

 

where is the respect?!!!!! how dare this person keep trying to meddle in your personal and private affairs in this way.

 

what is it with some people that they feel they have an automatic right to go prying into peoples intimate and personal lives in this way.

 

its none of her or anyone else's business what sexuality, or way in which you wish to conduct your adult life with another consenting adult. people just need to stay out of others affairs in this way and back off.

 

il bet she has her own private issues that she would hate others knowing about, so she should think twice, maybe if you cant let her go because you decide you still want her in your life??!!! then if I were you I would strongly remind her of that fact that you know things about her also that she might not like broadcast in the same hurtful and manipulating way!

 

if I were you, I would contact her and let her know just how much you have been affected by her thoughtless actions and inappropriate behaviours and tell her that you no longer can cope with her as a friend anymore.

 

if that is too hard for you to do because of her temper, just write and tell her you no longer feel that you can continue friendship with her as she has broken some major bounderies in an area that for you was very personal and not something to be shared or discussed in a public arena. tell her you are sorry that it has had to end up this way, but that you have had no choice as it has happened twice now and you must put your career and well being first.

 

remind her that you have only been a good friend to her (if that's what you have been) and it sounds like you have, and say you wanted to explain things not just to disappear. and then of course you should disappear! lol...but at least you go the right way, not the cowardly or childish no contact route!!!!! that so many prefer thesedays!

 

if she wants to get bitter that you have disappeared that's up to her, but at least let her know why you are really going.

 

I think you will feel better from ridding yourself of this person and look to the future. you've spent 10 years and there is no reason to have an unhappy and oppressed 11th year with someone who just doesn't understand what real friendship is about.

 

this sort of thing would cross a line with a stranger on big level, but for a "friend" to do this TWICE!!!! to you is unbelievable.

 

you shouldn't have to justify your personal private self to anyone as ignorant, conceited and stupid as this.

 

and finally whilst I can take a breath (haha) I would come off f/b or other social media pages if you can, things like that only fuel to an already delicate situation like this, the danger is that you may find yourself battling with other unwanted comments and disrespectful swipes from disapproving strangers who have involved themselves into your personal business when they know nothing about ,or the facts of the situation and the right for you to make your own choices in life!!!! regardless of whether they agree or not. its your life and if your not hurting anyone they have no place telling you about what they don't understand. orientation or attraction is not something that anyone else should be telling another person who and who not to like or what to identify with.

 

well that's my take on it. I agree with lawlus completely. the only word for this person is TOXIC!!!!! but sadly in life you don't always find out about peoples views until you are faced with a personal situation where you need love, care and solid listening support! and you found out like many people do the hard way, but you were right to share if you felt that this person would respect you, so don't feel bad about that, you did what you needed to do and that is to offload some internal stress in a positive way in the hope that someone you care about would return that love and understanding back to you because they care (or so you thought!!!! about you). you took a chance because it meant something to you to tell her). it might not have turned out that way, but you got to the point where you had to tell her and she disrespected you and your feelings!

 

what a shame, life can be like that sometimes, but you did what you thought was right and honest as any trusting friend would do: the betrayal , disrespect, guilt and shame should be your friends, not yours!

 

you can support someone and love them, but what you cant do is to deny someone who they are; or are telling you ( or trying to tell you that's how they wish to identify with at this period in their lives).

 

it takes SO much courage to tell anyone anything so deeply personal, so why hang around a so called friend that doesn't really know who you are or can accept the challenges that came to you telling them such personal and difficult news.

 

I think you need to take a closer look at this person as a whole and ask yourself if there are other things that they bring to your friendship that are also distressing or difficult for you or that irritate you. if there ? then you should seriously consider saying goodbye! for good.

 

if they are a good person (its just this, then you should still put your concerns in writing to them so it sinks in how hurt you've been, and you will know by their reaction if they are really sorry or are willing to start being a good friend). my guess is that it is and should be time to say goodbye!

 

ok, very best of luck with it all, its sounds like absolute hell to have gone through something like that. ah, life would be so much easier if people were not so busy snooping or gossiping in areas of peoples lives that are private to them and should not be mistaken or abused as public access zones. people need privacy and il bet your friend is the first to shout her mouth off when anyone upsets her in probably less personal or embarrassing ways!

 

ok, cya.and let us know if you manage to get rid of this trouble maker. in the mean time I think it will be good for you to rally round your true friends or maybe also find some others in the same boat (if you don't already) so you can get some support from people who will know your situation exactly and be able to share their stories or give you hope and a sense of how it can be or doesn't always have to be this way and you can hear and start to feel better knowing how others may have gone through or dealt with similar and equally nasty experiences or rejections as yours.

 

best wishes. I hope things work out for you on this, im sure you'll be ok whatever you decide. just remember, people who call themselves friends are not always automatically friends!, friendship shows itself often when you need friends or people to turn too. its not always how long you know someone, but whether certain people are there for you when you need them, and whether you can trust them. you'll get through this, ;)maxi.

[mikeylo]

It's time to take your power back. It will be hard but if you keep this friendship going, the only person who is going to get hurt is you.

[preraph]

She disapproves of your sexuality issues and is being aggressive about it. Good grief. Block her from your social media.