Why is it so hard to get over cutting friends loose?

[CSMan]

I'm 22 years old and I'm a man, I study computer science and engineering, got about a year left. I love my career and everything, got friends in college, but I hate that people in this career don't like to go out and do anything, I also dislike that there are so few women in my career. Despite everything, I'd say my best friend in college is a girl.

 

So about a week ago I cut off two school friends, they don't study CS, so I used to hang out with them to get a break from CS related stuff. Regardless, I've known this people for a while now. However, while I went to college because I wanted to study something I liked, they went to college because their parents made them go there and because they wanted to "party". They wasted four years of their lives doing something they didn't like, somewhere they didn't want to be at.

 

I've changed so much as a person since school, I've made new friends, I learned how to socialize, I learned that I'm not as introverted as I thought I was but that instead I have a lot of extroverted qualities that I never knew were there and I've never been healthier. Nonetheless, when I went out with them, one of them tried to diminish me and my achievements as a person. The other ignores me when I send him messages and he never keeps his promises. What's worse is that it is impossible to relate to them anymore, the only thing they talk about is how drunk they were on X or Y event. I'll admit I like drinking and being drunk, but to talk about that as if it is the most important thing in the world is incredibly shallow and boring.

 

I cut them off, I don't want to be around these people any longer, every time I see them, they remind me of all the bad memories I have from school and all the things I hated about the environment I was in. I'm sure one of them is on drugs as well and if I stuck to them, I know what will happen. They will try to drag me down with them. It has been a week and I can't get over it. I've been thinking about it day in and day out, especially about how immature one has to be, to devalue someone else because of jealousy.

 

What worries me the most is that I don't know where I'll look for new friends. I have two other groups of friends, but they don't go out much and I don't meet a lot of new people through them. I know people say to join clubs, classes, etc and stuff but I don't know where to look for those things. Meetup is not so popular where I live in and it is mostly stuff about computer science, which doesn't bother me but I would prefer places where genders are more balanced.

 

Is it normal to feel this way? If anyone else has studied computer science as well, is it normal that people don't want to go out?

[Offspring]

I've recently been 'cut loose' by one former friend because i questioned her on a response she gave to me re- a minor issue i was going through, and another that i've decided to distance myself from because she leaned on me for support during a surgery, and when her partner was away.I barely hear from her, and when i do, i suspect it's because she needs something. Needless to say, I felt pretty used back then.

 

The first 'friend' i mentioned, i supported her through two years of a crappy relationship that she was not prepared to leave, or fix. I frequently put my own mental wellbeing and personal activities aside, sometimes for up to 1.5 hours at a time, to try to help her.

 

The end result is i feel incredibly used and taken advantage of these people, and although i haven't seen nor heard from them for two or three weeks, feel strains of anger toward them for treating me as such a secondary human being, but the one lesson is that i LET IT HAPPEN!

 

I think the anger arises for two reasons: 1) that you let yourself be devalued by another human being, and one that you called your 'friend', and 2) that you know have a gap in your life that needs to be filled, with more friends.

 

I think you and your old school friends are moving in different directions. I would suggest to hang out with them, but it seems you have nothing in common with them anymore.

 

You've either got to compromise yourself for people and not feel so outwardly lonely, or keep your standards, feel slightly inwardly lonely, and open yourself up to meeting similiar others. Either way is hard, but it doesn't sound like you are comfortable compromising your personal standards for friendship.

 

Not sure about CS, but keep putting yourself out there. Work is also a good place to meet people.

Edited June 24, 2016 by Offspring

[CSMan]

I understand what you mean, I don't want to be alone. Thankfully, I have other friends, other people I keep in contact regularly. Regardless, I don't I conveyed my feelings properly, I was angry when I wrote the first post.

 

1. I'm not trying to change them, I have no illusions that they'll change, so I don't really try to help them. It is pointless and they will have to realize that the only ones that can help them are themselves. I never tried to change them, I didn't question them or ever insinuate that they were doing was stupid.

 

2. This is not the first time they've treated me like this. On multiple occasions the person I mentioned has tried to put me down ever since school. In fact there was one occasion in which he knew other people had spiked my drink, and he told me nothing, he kept quiet and he let me take the fall, even though he knew that if our places were reversed I would not have done that and even when it was his birthday and I was the only one who came with a birthday present at all. He never apologized about that, and to this day he will not admit to any wrongdoing, even when my other former friend who was also involved in this did apologize.

 

3. The other guy, the one who's on drugs, he ignores me, I've tried to get closer to him and to talk to him on multiple times, but he still ignores me. He has a right to do this, I understand, but he's the one who sought out my friendship and I responded in kind when he did so. He's also the one who made all the promises and never kept them. I also know that addictions create rifts between friends, and I see where this is going. I would help him if he let me, but I know that the "help" he will ask for is money and I know this because he's already done it more than once, and he's never paid back.

 

In short this has been going for a while now and I cannot tolerate it any longer. They are the way they are because of their impossible standards. They think money is the only important thing in the world, they think the only valuable experiences are drinking and gambling. They think any woman who has had a partner before or who simply enjoys sex is a slut. I like drinking and gambling, I do, I had many fun times doing those things, but to me they're just for entertainment, to them their lives revolve around those things.

 

I know where this is going and I'm not going to go through it. I know that whatever successes I have they will try to sabotage, simply because they can't understand how I've been so different and had success. If I were to get into a relationship with someone tomorrow, they would try to sabotage it.

 

Today I was supposed to go out with them, I told them multiple times I wouldn't be able to make it because I was going on a field trip tomorrow, so I told the dude (another friend, unrelated to this, by the way) that was organizing the event to put it on Thursday, which he did. However, this didn't stop them from changing the event to Friday. So they told another one of their friends to message me to ask me if I was coming. I told him I couldn't make it, I had to make a lot of arrangements for tomorrow's field trip and I had other commitments. I said this in the most polite way, but then I got a bunch of angry messages, one of them telling me not to complain if I didn't get invited, even though I had been invited to this event by someone else who wasn't this person nor my other so called friends. I didn't answer those messages, I didn't care and knowing them the only reason they wanted me there was to ridicule me or to get me to pay for something.

 

Besides these relationships have brought me nothing, and even when my friends were here and not in college, they never sent any messages or to talked to me. It was always me doing all the messaging.

 

I hope this makes it clearer as to why I don't want to be involved with these people, as for putting myself out there, I don't know how to do this. I've always wanted to do it but I don't know how to or where to look for new friendships. I know that if I knew how to do this I would find other friends quickly. I'm not someone who will shy away from challenges or who will fall into despair, I know I can do this, but I just don't know how to do it. I don't have a job yet though, I'm still in college for at least another year.

[Offspring]

There's always more to everything that can be written here, mainly due to time restrictions!

 

The three things that struck me as overdue reasons to get rid of these bozos is: spinking of the drink (illegal in my country, i would have dobbed him in); sabotaging of any future romantic relationship you might have; their general conduct.

 

I had similiar issues with person who has decided to 'cut me loose': numerous occassions of putting me on standby for social events, wasting my time by dumping her **** on me 24/7, and actually standing me up and using me as a backup plan if she didn't have anyone else to go out with. Doesn't sound like much, but for two-three years, it hurt. Needless to say, i am glad she hasn't made contact, as i do not want to hear from her.

 

Good on you for cutting them loose. It hurts / gets annoying when you think about all the transgressions they have made, but you are too precious to put up with crap.

[preraph]

College age is a natural age for friends' lives and interests to diverge. You lost some, you make some new ones.

[elaine567]

[CSMan]

There's always more to everything that can be written here, mainly due to time restrictions!

 

The three things that struck me as overdue reasons to get rid of these bozos is: spinking of the drink (illegal in my country, i would have dobbed him in); sabotaging of any future romantic relationship you might have; their general conduct.

 

I had similiar issues with person who has decided to 'cut me loose': numerous occassions of putting me on standby for social events, wasting my time by dumping her **** on me 24/7, and actually standing me up and using me as a backup plan if she didn't have anyone else to go out with. Doesn't sound like much, but for two-three years, it hurt. Needless to say, i am glad she hasn't made contact, as i do not want to hear from her.

 

Good on you for cutting them loose. It hurts / gets annoying when you think about all the transgressions they have made, but you are too precious to put up with crap.

 

Yeah that pretty much sums it up. This was going to happen sooner or later and I knew it, that's probably what made me angry about it.

 

College age is a natural age for friends' lives and interests to diverge. You lost some, you make some new ones.

 

I get that, but that thing is that I don't know how to, not because I don't know how to talk to people or anything, I know how to do that, I didn't before but after going to college and meeting all sorts of people I learned how to interact with them, what to say and not to say, and I think I'm good at it. Regardless, I've met new people because of the circumstances not because I was focused on doing that. I met new people in college because I had to go there, met new people in a job in a call center because I wanted a job. Basically, I don't know how to meet new people, or where to even begin looking.

 

 

Thanks for that, I learned some new stuff with that video. Though I think my problem isn't so much with interaction as it is with finding places to interact with people.

[Lady2163]

I don't know where you're from, but meetup.com can have some social activities that may interest you.

 

The things you had in common with these friends may be fading as you get older. That does happen, particularly if they were slightly inconsequential to begin with. If a friendship starts in middle school because you sit next to someone who hates the witchy English teacher as much as you do, there's no guarantee you have enough in common for life. Fast forward ten years later and they still hate most teachers/professors and you've moved past that stage.

 

This also happens as people take on different life events. If you have friends get married or join the military you may see them fade out - or you may fade out on them as they now have life expericences you don't.

[emerald86]

Your post could have described me. When I was in college, I had friends who were much like the friends you described. Right around the time I graduated college is when I began to get the idea that these friends were not for me. I never had fun around them. Their sense of humor was different from mine, and I could never have any real intellectual conversations with them. They were my friends since high school though, and even one or two years after college, I continued to stay in touch with them. It was difficult for me to completely break off ties.

 

It's been three years since I graduated college, and I'm still in touch with these friends, but I don't see them regularly. The day I decided to stop hanging out with them regularly is when I started meeting other people...through meetups! Which brings me to my next point--I actually just entered the field of CS (getting a graduate degree), and I'm a female. At first, I had the same impression as you did about those with CS degrees. I'd always hear from others that many of them don't like to go out and such. So I decided to see for myself by attending tech events...and I had just the opposite experience! Everyone I met was so friendly! I've met so many people of both genders, and let me tell you that I've enjoyed hanging out with them much, much more than the friends I had previously. There are other non-tech meetup groups in my area that I'm involved in, and I've made great friends through those as well.

 

I don't know what city you live in, but I suggest really looking through the meetup site of your area. Even if most of the meetups you find are tech-related, attend as many events as you can. There is such a diversity of people out there, that you might just be surprised. As far as non-tech meetups go, take the few that do exist in your area, and attend as many events as possible. You may even go as far as organizing your own events or meetups if you don't find anything that you like. You can always make new friends--it just takes a bit of effort.

[CSMan]

I don't know where you're from, but meetup.com can have some social activities that may interest you.

 

The things you had in common with these friends may be fading as you get older. That does happen, particularly if they were slightly inconsequential to begin with. If a friendship starts in middle school because you sit next to someone who hates the witchy English teacher as much as you do, there's no guarantee you have enough in common for life. Fast forward ten years later and they still hate most teachers/professors and you've moved past that stage.

 

This also happens as people take on different life events. If you have friends get married or join the military you may see them fade out - or you may fade out on them as they now have life expericences you don't.

 

I'd agree with you if this had happened a while ago, but I'm not so sure. In my opinion it isn't so much about interests. Right now both of these people are questioning their life choices. Like I said before, one of them (someone who I called my best friend once), has tried to sabotage my accomplishments and I'm sure that if I kept this person as a friend, he will continue to do this, so I don't see what is the point of being friends with someone who wants to see me fail and this has been going on for a while now, probably since school.

 

As for the other, due to his life choices, he's become addicted to drugs. He's become emotionally distant, you can't talk to him, he's always drunk or stoned, he makes promises he won't keep and he borrows money that he never pays back. I know where this leads, because in the past I was friends with someone like this, and sooner or later they get involved in something dangerous. I don't want to be around it, and even if I tried to help he won't let me or anyone get close enough and he'll keep getting involved with people who encourage his habits, people that I don't like and don't really consider them the best sort of people.

 

I think we could still be friends, despite our interests, but these things are stopping them from that. They're not emotionally well, and I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing to be done. Whether it is their interests or not, I don't see these relationships giving me anything but unnecessary drama.

 

Your post could have described me. When I was in college, I had friends who were much like the friends you described. Right around the time I graduated college is when I began to get the idea that these friends were not for me. I never had fun around them. Their sense of humor was different from mine, and I could never have any real intellectual conversations with them. They were my friends since high school though, and even one or two years after college, I continued to stay in touch with them. It was difficult for me to completely break off ties.

 

It's been three years since I graduated college, and I'm still in touch with these friends, but I don't see them regularly. The day I decided to stop hanging out with them regularly is when I started meeting other people...through meetups! Which brings me to my next point--I actually just entered the field of CS (getting a graduate degree), and I'm a female. At first, I had the same impression as you did about those with CS degrees. I'd always hear from others that many of them don't like to go out and such. So I decided to see for myself by attending tech events...and I had just the opposite experience! Everyone I met was so friendly! I've met so many people of both genders, and let me tell you that I've enjoyed hanging out with them much, much more than the friends I had previously. There are other non-tech meetup groups in my area that I'm involved in, and I've made great friends through those as well.

 

I don't know what city you live in, but I suggest really looking through the meetup site of your area. Even if most of the meetups you find are tech-related, attend as many events as you can. There is such a diversity of people out there, that you might just be surprised. As far as non-tech meetups go, take the few that do exist in your area, and attend as many events as possible. You may even go as far as organizing your own events or meetups if you don't find anything that you like. You can always make new friends--it just takes a bit of effort.

 

I will keep this in mind. I'm also trying to look for groups outside of meetup though, it's just that I have a hard time finding where to look.