Friend is being taken advantage of by others financially

[ChattyKat]

My friend works 2 jobs to support himself and has several friends who are on disability that he frequently pays for their meals dining out, other social events & giving them free transportation. The "friends" do have legit disabilities, I feel like he shouldn't make it his problem. It makes me sad to watch him do that when he's working his butt off at 2 jobs. He has been "friends" with them for many years so I know he won't change.

[lollipopspot]

I've had the problem before of feeling people I care about are being taken advantage of. I don't like seeing that either. But the most you can do is mention it to him - once - and then let him make his own choices. As a rule he will not appreciate you trying to tell him how to spend his money. It probably gives him pleasure to help out his friends. His money doesn't mean as much to him as their friendship, at this time.

[truthtripper]

I have a friend who has no control over her own money/assets. Her parents have demanded that if she dies before her husband, her assets will be divided among her family and her husband will inherit nothing.

[Methodical]

I don't mind helping a friend in need but not everyone I know is a friend. Many are acquaintances who pose as friends until the chips are down and I don't forget the ppl who have stuck by my side during times of prosperity and adversity. (Referencing moral not financial support here.)

 

As for financial support - I don't let someone else's problems become my own. It's my business if I choose to help someone, but if they turn around and get into the same situation again by carelessness or living beyond their means, that's their problem. (Yes, I have had family members that I bailed out and watched them turn right around and do the same thing over again and they had the audacity to beg for another handout. Not happening bc I'm not an enabler.) I've never asked for a handout, and you can rest assured that if I ever do, I'm in dire need bc I have too much pride to not struggle thru, take my knocks, and learn my lesson the hard way. But not all pitfalls are unavoidable. Unforeseen situations do happen.

 

That said, there was a thread a while back that asked whether or not you'd lend money to a friend or family member. Someone I think highly of so eloquently stated, "No, I wouldn't. Either I know you and trust you well enough that you can have my money, or you don't know me well enough to even ask for it." Those words are my sentiments as well, bc if a person is truly down on their luck, the last thing they need to worry about is being indebted to me. But, don't think I'm your personal bailout system bc I'm not gullible.

 

As far as I can tell, your friend's disabled friends aren't asking to be taken out to eat or to social events. For all we know, he invites them bc he appreciates their company, wants to include them in social events so that they don't feel isolated, etc. Maybe that's why he works two jobs, so that he can do nice things for his friends. If he isn't complaining, then it shouldn't bother you. If doing these things "creates a financial burden" for your friend, there are other things he could do to spend quality time with them, even if that entails visiting them at home rather than taking them out.

 

It's kind of you to care enough to not want to see your friend taken advantage of, but it's not clear that that is what's happening.

[ChattyKat]

Like you, Methodical, I don't allow other people's financial problems become my own. It's a lesson learned in doing that in the past.

 

I'd just hate for him to alone later in life when he is no longer able to afford to pay for his friends' meals & doing social things that cost money. He has has a big heart & deserves friends that won't take advantage of his kindness

[Methodical]

Your friend is a rare gem who thinks of others before himself. I know from your post you appreciate and love him, and I'm sure he feels the same way about you.

[Diezel]

I feel like we are missing some information.

 

So they legit disabilities meaning they do need the help and probably not getting enough themselves to go out for meals?

 

How do we know 2-Job Friend isn't well aware of what his scenario is but actually gets more joy from spending on time with them, than saving up money?

 

Many other angles to consider, but with the brevity of information, there's really no advice that can be given.

 

Maybe to him it isn't a problem and he feels like he is helping out.

[d0nnivain]

It's his life & his money If he comes to you & asks how to make the others stop taking from him, give him suggestions, unless that happens stay out of it.

[O'Malley]

I think you can be silently supportive friend; be there for him if and when he comes to you with an issue.

 

Do you know any of these friends? You could suggest that you all chip in and treat this guy to a dinner at his favorite place for his birthday, or even something inexpensive like having a dinner or barbecue at someone's home, something that lets him know how much he's appreciated.

[anika99]

I feel like we are missing some information.

 

So they legit disabilities meaning they do need the help and probably not getting enough themselves to go out for meals?

 

How do we know 2-Job Friend isn't well aware of what his scenario is but actually gets more joy from spending on time with them, than saving up money?

 

Many other angles to consider, but with the brevity of information, there's really no advice that can be given.

 

Maybe to him it isn't a problem and he feels like he is helping out.

 

 

This is what I was thinking too. Unless this friend has complained about his disabled friends I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that they are taking advantage of him. He may really enjoy being a sort of white knight to these people and they may truly care for him as a friend.

 

 

Why assume that this is some horrible situation where your friend is being victimized? If he enjoys helping people and going above and beyond for people in need, then he is someone to be admired, not pitied.

[truthtripper]

My friend works 2 jobs to support himself and has several friends who are on disability that he frequently pays for their meals dining out, other social events & giving them free transportation. The "friends" do have legit disabilities, I feel like he shouldn't make it his problem. It makes me sad to watch him do that when he's working his butt off at 2 jobs. He has been "friends" with them for many years so I know he won't change.

 

In general, most people will back off when a friend becomes chronically ill. Perhaps it confronts us with our own fragilities/mortality. I have a chronic illness and attend a support group because I get little support from my friends. We used to meet up often. Now that I'm ill they don't have time anymore. It appears to be a common scenario for the other support group attendees.

 

As Methodical puts it, I think your friend is a "rare gem" too. When my health improves I hope I will have the energy to help others too, perhaps do some volunteer work.

[preraph]

I realize this could be reflective of an ongoing issue where the guy can't say no or is just too weak to not be taken advantage of. But unless this goes on in other aspects of his life, like letting women take money from him or letting people manipulate him, what he's doing is just a nice thing. If this is the only facet of his life where it looks like someone may be taking advantage of his friendship but there's no other red flags to indicate he can't say no and is just a weak pushover, don't give it another thought.

 

There's a saying which would apply to a whole lot of topics in the news today and it's "Take care of your own back yard." Those friends of his are his back yard, and better to give directly to people he loves who love him than to some charity that maybe only 10% makes it to the cause in need.