Trouble with a friend who feels neglected

[Jason91]

One of my closest friends is quite overwhelming. He constantly wants to see me. I understand that this doesn't sound unusual, but he can be pretty full on at times. I have known him for many years. There was a phase of my life when we would hang out four or five times a week. For a while I was unemployed. And then when I found work it was only part time at first. So I had plenty of time on my hands. These days I'm a lot busier than I used to be. Over the past two years I've found full time work as well as traveled overseas for several months. I also now have a girlfriend who I live with. This obviously means there's less time for my friend and I to hang out. Over the last six months it has been clear that he is finding it hard to deal with this. He will message me on days that he knows I'm working and ask to hang out. He will get noticeably upset if I can't hang out with him because I've made earlier plans with another friend or my partner. I think he was quite offended when I forgot his birthday, even after I bought him a gift a day later. (Honestly I don't know the exact dates of most of my friends birthdays. Only the months.) This makes things pretty awkward at times when we hang out. I feel like there's an elephant in the room. He recently sent me a very long text about how he is concerned for our friendship. He said he was worried I didn't consider him a friend anymore. I told him this isn't true and that he is one of my best friends. Even after all of that I still find myself having awkward conversations with him a fair bit. He also finds himself having pretty heated arguments with my other friends sometimes. He has some pretty controversial views. Especially when it comes to gender and race. This gets him in a bit of trouble at times. But he doesn't really understand why. This makes for more awkwardness.

I guess my question is; is this type of tension normal between friends? And am I not doing enough to keep in contact with him?

 

Thanks for your time

[d0nnivain]

Do you want to spend time with him? If yes, do so. If not, let the fade happen.

 

 

If he doesn't have a GF but you sense he wants one, he may be jealous of your relationship. Does your GF have any friends you two could ask to go on a double date?

 

 

If you value this friendship, you will need to nurture it. If you don't you have been warned that it's dying.

[preraph]

I think you need to fully explain your schedule to him and be right up front that work and your girlfriend are your two biggest priorities right now and that if you have kids in the future, they will be too.

 

It is normal to lose friends as you get older and busy and coupled up and especially after you have kids. It shouldn't be that way. You should make time to see your friends on a regular basis, but he has to understand that it's never going to be like it used to be because you are a working man with other obligations. Why don't you choose one day a month you two are to get together regularly. Say the first Thursday night of every month or whatever is best for you. And then do it. He will be happy you are setting a regular time and date. But you must explain to him you are not the carefree person you once were and never will be again and ask him when he's going to get a job.

[Jason91]

Thank you for your responses. They're greatly appreciated. I think the biggest problem is that he is finding it hard to deal with the fact that things aren't the same anymore. He actually has a girlfriend and a job. Unfortunately he doesn't really like either of them.

[whichwayisup]

How old are you and your friend?

 

He has have some other friends to hang out with and needs to find some hobbies to keep him busy and not rely on you so much.

With that said, he seems insecure and may have some social skills missing and is a loner which is why he latched onto you. He isn't confident though he's opinionated.

 

Just be honest, tell him you adore having him as your buddy and he's gonna be in your life forever but he has to understand that you have other friends, and responsibilities so you can't spend all your free time with him. Tell him to just trust and have faith that all is okay and not to worry.

 

Or, maybe he's crushing on you? He is emotionally attached to you, that part is obvious.

[Jason91]

We are both in our late twenties. And yes, in the past I have suspected he may be attracted to me. I have often wondered if he is bisexual. But I feel like he might get offended if I ever tried to discuss it with him. I wouldn't necessarily describe him as homophobic but he sometimes talks about feeling uncomfortable around some of my gay friends.

[TaraMaiden2]

Thank you for your responses. They're greatly appreciated. I think the biggest problem is that he is finding it hard to deal with the fact that things aren't the same anymore. He actually has a girlfriend and a job. Unfortunately he doesn't really like either of them.

 

I think you're finding it hard to deal with the fact that things aren't the same any more.

 

I think you're on a guilt trip and you need to get off the train buddy...

Things don't stay the same, people change, evolve and move on according to what life's experiences bring.

If he has a GF/Job he doesn't really like, then that's his problem.

 

And to be frank - you're leading him on.

he causes discomfort and awkwardness... this 'elephant in the room'. There wouldn't be an elephant if you too, didn't acknowledge it. It takes two to create such a huge animal.

 

You need to be honest with him.

because it IS true: You are feeling a gradual separation, a parting of ways, and this is natural, sometimes.

 

He will get noticeably upset if I can't hang out with him because I've made earlier plans with another friend or my partner.

 

"Sorry bud, you need to get over this. I do have a life and it doesn't only revolve around you."

 

I think he was quite offended when I forgot his birthday, even after I bought him a gift a day later. (Honestly I don't know the exact dates of most of my friends birthdays. Only the months.) This makes things pretty awkward at times when we hang out.

"Don't be so touchy! I do the same with everyone! I haven't singled you out for special neglect! (lol). Some people are good with dates, others not so much! I fall into the latter category! Don't stress on it! Did you like your gift? Cool! sorted!"

 

I feel like there's an elephant in the room. He recently sent me a very long text about how he is concerned for our friendship. He said he was worried I didn't consider him a friend anymore. I told him this isn't true and that he is one of my best friends.

 

"...But like I explained, my life is pretty full right now. You're a great buddy, but I have a GF and things to do... I suspect you're pretty busy too, with your GF and your job, huh? So, you get what I'm saying?"

 

Even after all of that I still find myself having awkward conversations with him a fair bit. He also finds himself having pretty heated arguments with my other friends sometimes. He has some pretty controversial views. Especially when it comes to gender and race. This gets him in a bit of trouble at times. But he doesn't really understand why. This makes for more awkwardness.

 

A freind that makes you feel awkward, really isn't interacting with you in the right way. This isn't friendship. This is a camaraderie that has seen better days and is moving on.

 

His strong views alienate him from people. They create discomfort, and to be honest, that's his problem, because he's his own worst enemy.

The reason it gets awkward is because he's not challenged on them enough. Discomfort creates silence, and silence to people like him, means agreement.

 

Someone needs to poke him in the chest and tell him it's unacceptable and uncool.

 

And if you feel the distance and it's awkward - you need to say so.

 

He's a classic Emotional Vampire, and if he's taking up a lot of head-space, then he's intent on draining the emotional lifeblood out of you and succeeding, by the sound of it.

[preraph]

It's true he might have a crush on you and just never have dealt with his sexuality, particularly if he doesn't even like his girlfriend. So only thing you can do is set your boundaries and don't apologize and stick to them.

[nouedis]

It sounds to me like he's desperate for attention than affection. He constantly wants to see/be with you (cos maybe you're the only one who gets him or can tolerate the way he is). If that doesn't scream attention, then I don't know what will.