Friend put me in a very awkward position

[Gary E]

Hi folks. I'm new to this forum, which I found through a link after I asked a question on Ask.com. I'm 38 years old, divorced, no children, and male (more or less.) I have a situation here and I'm not sure if it belongs in this thread or the "Coping" thread, so if any mods want to move it, I won't be offended.

 

Long story short, a little over a year ago my friend "Monica" tried setting me up with her friend "Toni" and we had a couple dates. I was advised by a mutual friend, "Donald," that this wasn't a good idea. As he put it, "Monica isn't much of a matchmaker. She doesn't try to figure out if two people are compatible. She just sees two single people and throws them together."

 

Well, by the second date I was starting to feel about Toni. Apparently she didn't feel the same and told me she just wanted to be friends. Now I've never been one to handle rejection well, so I just broke off communication with her. (It's not like I see her very often anyway.) It may seem insensitive but that's just the kind of person I am. Not too long after this happened, Donald invited us both to a shindig at his place; I got a little miffed at him when I found out he invited Toni too. He said, "Don't worry, she never shows up anyway." Well she did, and I just avoided her like the plague. I figured that way she would get the hint.

 

Well last weekend, there was an annual weekend-long get-together at Donald's place. Monica and I don't get to see each other much these days so this was a great time for us to catch up, and we spent a lot of quality time together Friday night. Saturday morning we both went and did other things, with plans to meet up again back at Donald's place. We were planning a little 1-2 hour road trip to pick up some things for the party.

 

So early that afternoon I got to Donald's house and found Monica... and she had brought Toni with her. I was completely blindsided by this, and me being me, I just found excuses to talk to other people. Again, this may seem insensitive, but come on, what was I supposed to do? I mean, talk about awkward. And then as if that wasn't enough, Monica tells me Toni is going with us on the road trip. I was just ... what was she thinking?! Sure, I'd love to spend two hours in a car with a woman who rejected me for no apparent reason. Why don't we go pick up my ex-wife too? So I just said I had changed my mind and didn't want to go on the trip anymore. Monica seemed surprised but didn't argue with me about it, thank God.

 

I was just flabbergasted, and after that the rest of the weekend was just... off. On Sunday I just stayed home, because I didn't know what in the world to say to Monica. (By this point you may have surmised that I'm not a big fan of confrontation/conflict, which is partly why my marriage collapsed.) Monica texted me a couple times saying, "Where are you?" I didn't know what to say so I just didn't answer. And I haven't spoken to her since (though when I say "spoken to" I really mean "texted" because she lives an hour away these days.)

 

Being the sensitive wuss that I am, this kind of threw me into a funk all week. The thing is, Donald was right. It wouldn't have worked, if for no other reason than Toni has a dog, and I'm not a dog person. In fact I'm not a dog person to the point that it is pretty much a dealbreaker. (Monica tells me Toni even takes the dog to bed with her. ) But whenever I think of her, there's this twinge in my gut like I really lost out on something. I don't get it, because we only had the two dates anyway, it's not like she left me at the altar or something. Who knows? Maybe it's a subconscious thing, maybe I'm just mad inside because I feel like she didn't even give me a chance. And yet somehow I feel like she was the closest thing to happiness I'm going to find for a while.

 

At the same time, though, I don't want her back. Another friend of mine I talked to about this whole mess said maybe Toni was planning on telling me she wanted to try dating again, because why else would she agree to go to this thing? Truth be told, the thought excites me, but I'm not going to fall for it again. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice...

 

I know Monica certainly didn't mean any harm, I think she was genuinely clueless that bringing Toni along would make things weird. She may not even realize that I'm upset with her.

 

So what do I do here? I don't want to tell Monica about my feelings via text message; I want to talk to her in person. (I always like to have important conversations in person rather than electronically.) But as I mentioned, I shy away from conflict, and if I try to drive an hour to her new place, the whole time dreading the conversation I'm going to have... yuck. But I'm going to have to face her at some point since she agreed to be my "+1" at a wedding in a couple months. Help!

[La.Primavera]

Seriously, this is no big deal. The way you felt after her rejection and how behaved afterwards was completely reasonable. Why would you want to hang out with a woman you hardly know after that? It is not insensitive to not want to see or talk to her again.

 

I think the fact you have been forced into situations with her all of a sudden is regrettable but there is nothing you could do about it. "Donald" was right, "Monica" is hopeless at playing cupid, although it does seem that her heart was in the right place. You handled it as well as you could under the circumstances. At the most you should tell your friend that it was a bit awkward and you would rather not hang out with the other girl again but I would leave it at that. No need for a big confrontation. If she is a good friend she will understand. It's not worth causing drama with your friend over someone you hardly know. She isn't your ex.

 

That leads me in to my other point. I suspect your reaction has a lot more to do with your past relationship and what you went through. Perhaps it brought up some feelings of loss that has now been projected on to this new woman.

 

The truth is there are plenty of good women out there who know a good thing when they see it and don't let him slip through their fingers (ones without a dog). Don't get hung up on someone who isn't worth your time, and don't feel bad about what happened.

 

It will all work out.

[anika99]

So as I read it, about a year ago you had 2 dates with Toni that didn't go anywhere, shortly after she was at your friend Donald's house and then last week she with your friend Monica

 

 

I can see the thing at Donald's house being awkward because it was so soon after Toni told you she just wanted to be friends and perhaps Donald should have been a little more sensitive to your bruised ego, but the thing last week, a full year after the rejection, was probably the last thing on Monica's mind. It was 2 dates a year ago, so she probably thinks you have long moved on from that. I think it's unreasonable for you to expect everyone to forever be arranging everything around making sure that you never have to see Toni again simply because of a couple of dates that didn't go anywhere.

 

 

All I would suggest is that you never ever accept a date with a friend of a friend ever again because the chances of a date not leading to more is pretty high and if a failed date or two is going to come between you and your friends then it's best that you keep your dates and your friends completely separate.

[Gary E]

Seriously, this is no big deal.

 

It will all work out.

 

Yeah, I have a tendency to be a bit of a drama queen (or in my case, king.) What can I say?

 

As for Toni, I think it's a little bit of infatuation (physically she's almost exactly what I'm looking for) but mainly feeling irked because I feel like it could've been something if she had just given it a chance. Thing is, she has issues. When all this happened, Monica told me Toni was talking to another friend about me, and said, "Maybe I gave up on him too soon." And the friend said, "Yes, I think you did." This led to a big fight and they quit talking to each other. And then the same thing happened with her and her mom. I mentioned all this to my therapist, who said, "Stay away from this woman. Far away!"

 

Ah well, life goes on.

[preraph]

Monica should know better. But you need to forget about this woman. She's already said no. Monica is just good friends with her and wants her bestie with her everything she does. Bad situation for you. Anyway, no one who loves their dog is going to give them up for you or anyone else. There's just too many fish in the sea to pick one who hates the one you love.