Why can’t people keep their mouths shut?

[Ashleigh_Jane]

I’m pissed off with my best friend at the moment because she doesn’t know how to be discrete. We’ve had an on again off again relationship for the last 10 years but only when we’ve both been single and we’ve never made it public, even close friends don’t know.

 

She’s had a boyfriend for about a year, he’s really great, a good catch. Long story short, she wanted to surprise him with a threesome and asked me. I initially said no but one weekend away camping it just felt right and we went through with it. We did it a few more times over that weekend and after we got back. I’m totally comfortable with that and would have been open to continuing it.

 

But they have both decided they want to be open about “who they are” and are freely talking to anyone and everyone about it. Now everyone knows I’m bisexual and we’ve had the threesomes. Because I’m the single one I’ve had a few others approach me to be with them as well, it’s very embarrassing.

 

I’ve asked them to stop, not that it would make much difference now but they refuse saying that they are comfortable with who they are. That’s great for them but now I’m viewed as the sex toy and others want to have ago as well. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to regain my reputation amongst my group of friends.

 

I can’t believe I’ve lost a friend over this, so many years and so much we’ve been through. All the years of keeping us quiet and she decides to share this experience?

 

Sorry. I don’t really have a question, I just wanted to share. I feel alone now, no best friend and other friends either disgusted at what we did or wanting me to join them as well. I’m so disappointed in her for doing this to me.

[anika99]

I'm sorry this happened and I understand your feelings. Just because your best friend wants to be open about who she is, it doesn't give her the right to share your secrets. She could have talked about being bisexual and having threesomes without naming the one she did those things with. She betrayed you by not discussing this with you first and not honoring your wish to remain anonymous. She has every right to talk about herself but she had no right to talk about you. She broke the trust in the relationship and I wouldn't consider her a best friend any longer.

 

 

Looks like it's time to move on from this circle of friends. It's a big world and there are many more people to meet and get to know. I wish you luck.

[preraph]

Honestly, in this age of Instagram and other social media, you're lucky if there's not a video circulating. No one apparently knows the meaning of the word "discreet" anymore and it seems like people are only doing things so they can put it on Facebook.

 

That said, I lived a vicarious life, and I had one rule with myself that I considered before I did anything, and that is: If you'd be ashamed of it if people found out, don't do it. And when you make it pass that test, you have to think very carefully about who all could find out. For example, do you have a spiteful enemy who could find out through the grapevine and call spewing bile to your mother and things like that. Now, with social media, the possibility that people like your employer or parents could find out is so great that it's almost certain. People will always talk about something unusual like that, especially something sexual. There's no way he isn't bragging to all his male friends about it and probably some of his exes.

 

I was lucky because my shenanigans were way prior to social media and my actions circulated within my inner circle and stopped there. I was also lucky because my crowd was so chill there was never any judgment about it, at least that got back to me.

 

If it had been the social media age, I can tell you with 99 percent certainty that I would NOT have done half of what I did back then. In fact, I'd be very paranoid even having sex these days because I am strongly against being filmed that way and I really don't trust anyone not to do it. All it would take is for someone to have a little webcam or just manage a nude shot of you while you were sleeping and that would be all over the internet for all your future employers and future husband's siblings and parents to see. So please think about the possible waves before you do anything.

[Ashleigh_Jane]

So please think about the possible waves before you do anything.

 

I did think about it but clearly not enough. My girlfriend and I had many encounters over the years and not a soul knows, at least not one that has ever mentioned a word to me. I had every right to expect the same level of privacy this time.

 

And if the truth be told it's not even telling that we did it that hurts it's the graphic detail that they shared. If she said to our inner circle "hey Ash and I have had sex before and she joined in a threesome with my boyfriend" I would be shocked but could deal with that. what she said though was was very graphic and not just in front of our small group but at a party in front of many acquaintances not just close friends. There was even relatives there of the birthday girl (a 30th birthday).

 

I'm sorry to be graphic here but just to illustrate the extent of the broken trust she said in front of everyone that she loved in when he came on my face as she licked it off and I'm not even being anywhere near as graphic as she was. Sure she was drunk, that may excuse dropping that we had all slept together it doesn't excuse the story telling with all the details.

 

And yes I did ask her to stop but was told that I need to open up more. How much more could I open up after what we had done? I'm happy to be open in private but in public, especially around people that are not part of the inner circle, I would like to maintain a bit of secrecy.

 

Even speaking to her since she is totally unrepentant and says she will talk about her sex life with anyone and anywhere she wants. I thought this bf of hers was great but I can only think it is him that has changed her to only think if herself. I can't see any way to recover the friendship now which after a lifetime together is devastating.

[Methodical]

This is sad. Yes, people need to keep their mouth shut. I've been fortunate bc in situations like this, my partners have class and are respectful. The only way information is shared is if both/all parties are in agreement and don't mind others knowing.

 

Your friend has every right to run up and down the street revealing all her indiscretions and activities, but she had no right naming you. Unfortunately the cat is out of the bag. In your situation, at this point I'd just own it. Lying and/or trying to hide from the truth is going to be impossible, and the more you try to run from it, the more its going to smack you in the face. By owning it, you're saying you made a choice and you're not ashamed, which might earn you some respect and keep the hecklers at bay.

 

I hope things work out between your "friend" and her bf bc after running her mouth, the damage to your friendship is most likely irreparable and your shoulder won't be there for her to cry on. Plus, if nothing else, those around her now know she's a big mouth who'll tell anything and everything she knows and that will make people think twice before befriending and trusting her.

[anika99]

Not only is your friend disloyal she also sounds like she's low class. Very crass of her to share the graphic details of her sex life in public. Again if she wants to divulge her personal sex life to all that is her business but it's beyond disrespectful for her to have included you in her stories.

 

 

I would end the friendship for now. Maybe some days she will realize what an awful thing she has done to you but she's obviously clueless at the moment

[Ashleigh_Jane]

I would end the friendship for now. Maybe some days she will realize what an awful thing she has done to you but she's obviously clueless at the moment

 

She is absolutely clueless. She's angry with me at the moment because I said I wasn't coming over this weekend. She still thinks that I am going to participate in their games but there's no chance unless I had a rock solid commitment that it would stay between us only. Based on what I have seen I am not sure I could trust that commitment even if she gave it.

 

But more importantly than all the sex talk I have lost my best friend, probably my only true friend. It's very sad and it's worse because it's not like she's gone, I still see her nearly every day, it's really hard, I just want to hold her and tell her I want her back as the friend she used to be. I know people change and evolve as they grow and those around them need to accept that but she overstepped the mark with what she has said, if only she could see it then maybe we could stay friends.

[anika99]

First of all never ever participate in any sexual relationship with her ever again. It doesn't matter what promises she makes to protect your privacy, she has already proven that she can't be trusted

 

 

Secondly I'm sorry that you feel so bad about losing the person you considered your best friend. I know that has to hurt. I don't understand your friend at all. It's like she doesn't grasp the basics of friendship. We all need to feel like our best friend can be trusted with our deepest secrets and like our best friend has our best interests at heart. What she has done is so disloyal to you. Even if she didn't agree with your perspective she should have never talked about you just on the basis that you asked her not to. If my best friend asked me not to talk about something then I simply wouldn't do it. Even if I thought my friend was being silly I would honor her feelings because she is my best friend and why would I want to do anything that hurts my friend? I don't understand how it is that your friend doesn't see that what she is doing is disloyal and disrespectful.

 

 

As an aside I had a few threesomes with my best friend many many years ago (I'm old now...LOL) and it was fine. I totally trusted her and she didn't disappoint me. She also knew she could trust me. I think we have both been open at times with other people just in that we have admitted to participating in threesomes in the past but we have never named names or given graphic details. All that being said, I think I was lucky and that I took a real risk in having my best friend involved in my sex life. Perhaps you should consider keeping your friends and your sex life separate.

[Methodical]

But they have both decided they want to be open about “who they are” and are freely talking to anyone and everyone about it. Now everyone knows I’m bisexual and we’ve had the threesomes. Because I’m the single one I’ve had a few others approach me to be with them as well, it’s very embarrassing.

 

I’ve asked them to stop, not that it would make much difference now but they refuse saying that they are comfortable with who they are. That’s great for them but now I’m viewed as the sex toy and others want to have ago as well. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to regain my reputation amongst my group of friends.

 

She really isn't clueless, why else would she have kept quiet for so many years? Plus, you asked them to stop and they REFUSED. That's not the actions of a person who cares about you.

 

I did think about it but clearly not enough. My girlfriend and I had many encounters over the years and not a soul knows, at least not one that has ever mentioned a word to me. I had every right to expect the same level of privacy this time.

 

And if the truth be told it's not even telling that we did it that hurts it's the graphic detail that they shared.

 

Even speaking to her since she is totally unrepentant and says she will talk about her sex life with anyone and anywhere she wants. I thought this bf of hers was great but I can only think it is him that has changed her to only think if herself. I can't see any way to recover the friendship now which after a lifetime together is devastating.

 

She is self-centered with no regard for your feelings or privacy. Her BF might have influenced and encourage her to be open, but ultimately she is a grown woman and nobody made her betray your trust. She is responsible. How many years have you two been friends? How long has she been with her BF? Do the math...

 

I know you're hurting because she is/was your best friend and lover. In essence, you have lost two of the most important people in your life.

 

She's angry with me at the moment because I said I wasn't coming over this weekend. She still thinks that I am going to participate in their games but there's no chance unless I had a rock solid commitment that it would stay between us only. Based on what I have seen I am not sure I could trust that commitment even if she gave it.

 

But more importantly than all the sex talk I have lost my best friend, probably my only true friend. It's very sad and it's worse because it's not like she's gone, I still see her nearly every day, it's really hard, I just want to hold her and tell her I want her back as the friend she used to be. I know people change and evolve as they grow and those around them need to accept that but she overstepped the mark with what she has said, if only she could see it then maybe we could stay friends.

 

She's angry? Um...what?

 

You can't possibly be considering joining their "game" when she has clearly demonstrated she can't be trusted. If you do, then plan on everyone knowing and don't expect anyone to have sympathy for what you are feeling. And even if SHE agrees, that doesn't mean he'll keep his mouth shut and why should he? He doesn't have a vested interest in you. And, you suspect he influenced her betrayal.

[badpenny]

It may be way too late now, but in your psoition, I would have adopted the 'Deny, deny, deny' stance.

Absolutely refuted every and any insinuation reflecting badly and negatively upon your character.

 

Many aeons ago, at school, while I was still, young, foolish and reckless, I got involved with the BF of a class-mate of mine, who kept coming on to me, pestering me, trying it on and flirted with me suggestively at every opportunity. At first this really hacked me off, but (being young, impressionable, gullible and flirty myself) eventually, I gave in under pressure, and although not 'all the way', we definitely went a lot further than we should have done...

 

Well he bragged about it. Man, did he ever blab, to anyone and everyone who'd listen - except his GF, of course, mostly his buddies....

 

I'm lucky that we all hung out together and even went swimming to the local baths, but I shrugged off his graphic description of me as his lewd imagination, which must have been fed by his seeing me in a swimming costume (of course!) and just vehemently denied, denied, denied everything.

Gradually, the accusations stopped, and he was given up, by his buddies, to his GF as a cheating lying scumbag, which, actually he was, because he was definitely a player in the making, and had a couple of other sweet young things in tow...

I however (much to my good fortune and determination to not crack under pressure a second time!) eventually got forgotten in the schyte-storm that backfired on him....

 

Deny, deny, deny.

Rise above it, ignore it and tell people if they believe such crud, it reflects very badly on their judgement, and who they choose to believe. (*ahem!*)

[Ashleigh_Jane]

You are all right, she's not much of a friend at the moment and I should just walk away. But that is easier said than done, we lived next door to each other, we were born 2 days apart, she has been in my life my entire life literally. When we first kissed when we were 16 it was really hard to deal with because we were effectively sisters and that took me a lot to get through that. In fact in my entire life I don't think I have ever gone more than a few weeks without seeing her and never more than a week without talking on the phone. She has never betrayed me but I feel betrayed now. It's going to be hard to survive without her. I am really scared about that, who do I turn to when I need a supporting shoulder? I mean sure I have other friends but none that I have such confidence in to share all my secrets and how can I discuss all this without revealing my secrets (well the ones she hasn't anyway)? And the worst part is she thinks I'm just angry and venting (which I am) but that I will come around and be back with them before too long (which I wont). <-- a mutual friend told me her bf said that and she agreed. Feeling very sad and alone

[Ashleigh_Jane]

Sorry about the no punctuation above. I just started typing and it all flowed out. I hope it still makes sense even though it's hard to read as a block of text.