I need deciding which friends to cut out of my life

[La Trese]

Basically pretty much all of my closest friends have been giving me a headache lately. Its really bringing my energy down. Some have gotten better, but its just hard for me to decide whether I should deal with them differently or cut them out.

 

Friend number 1: She always takes my side, doesn't talk about me, has never acted weird or unfriendly. But she is really aggressive and is not afraid to ask for what she wants. She always asks for stupid favors and rides...and what I mean by stupid is the cost to me does NOT outweigh the benefit. For example, she asked me the other day if I can drive her to the mall. On our campus, the bus goes right there. It takes an extra 10 minutes + you have to wait for the bus, but that doesn't justify making me waste gas to and from there there and wasting 40 minutes of my time. When she wants a favor she calls 4 times, texts me, facebook messages me. I will never do these stupid favors for her or answer her calls when she does this, but it irritates me because asks aggressively anyways. I am debating cutting her out of my life because I already tried flat out telling her I won't give her a ride unless its an emergency and it irritates me to no end she still does it anyways. Theres other stuff too...like asking me to live with her in case her other roommate doesn't work out...that bothered me, i'm not a last resort. But again, i'm pretty good about saying no to her when I feel this way. She has done some good things for me, like finding me a roommate when I had roommate problems, coming over when I was sad about my breakup, taking my side....etc. I'm there for her too. So that's why i'm not sure if I should cut her out or not.

 

Friend number 2: She doesn't talk about me, will listen when I am sad, and is my roommate currently (and when I was having roommate problems didn't try and blame me at all). She is there for me when someone hurts me and has never said anything hurtful or mean to me. The thing with her is, my old group of friends started excluding me when I got depressed after my breakup. She is still part of that group, and it irritates me because she made zero effort to include me in anything when they started doing that...so basically she took part in it. In one of my classes, they sat away from me (when I was there 1st) and instead of sitting next to me when I was alone, she sat next to them with the excuse she sees me more because she is my roommate. That really bothered me...I don't think someone can claim to be my closest friend and just leave me to sit alone when the other people are all together and are the reason I have been sad lately. Also another thing that bothers me is I convinced her to join a professional fraternity with me, and we are both in it. Yet despite living together, despite us being both home at the time, despite me asking her if she is going to the event, she just goes off to events that she knows I will be at and doesn't walk with me there. People keep asking me...why didn't you come with _____ and I have to make up an excuse because its getting to the point where its ridiculous. When we are there she will make no effort to include me, but if I am talking to people all of a sudden she comes up to me and is my bff. Other than that, she is a good roommate. She lets me borrow stuff, takes me to doctors appointments, the other day she brought me doughnuts, when I needed an outfit for a date she wanted to come shopping with me. I tried talking to her about it, and she stopped doing it for a while, but then started doing it again and I give up. Its to the point where I just don't even feel like being friendly with her because i'm the only one inviting her to things and it hurts.

 

Friend number 3:

 

I think this one is the one I am the most torn about. She went through a really tough time when her boyfriend broke up with her, when the same group of friends that started excluding me excluded her (actually they started excluding me because I defended her and refused to let them exclude her when I was there). Then when I went through a tough time, she didn't do the same for me. Not only that, but what really hurt is she was the one I went to when I was having roommate problems. She knows how bad my roommates were. She flat out saw my roommate's boyfriend attempt to sexually assault me. Yet the day before we were about to move in together, she said something like "oh, i'm afraid to move in with you because you had roommate problems". That hurt me so much, that still hurts to this day because she KNOWS it wasn't my fault. Its funny because after living with me for 6 months, NOW she tells me I am a good roommate.....yeah thanks for doubting me before and taking the side of the people who traumatized me, who you didn't even know. When I got kind of depressed because my boyfriend broke up with me, she started distancing herself a bit even though I was there for her during her breakup. I forgave her a bit for that because I know she was stressed out since she was waiting to hear back from grad school. When me and my ex were in a relationship, he HATED her but he was cordial because of me. While I was going through the breakup, I needed someone to vent to but she said something like "well I don't really want to get involved, he was always nice to me so I have nothing against him. He actually seems like a nice guy" and just cut me off like that. So all that happened for the first six months this year. When we got back from break, she found out she got into grad school and I got over pretty much everything. Now she is all of a sudden being super nice to me. She never excludes me, invites me everywhere, sits next to me in class. She ended up running into my ex and he was super rude to her (because he hates her lol) and now she all of a sudden did a 360 and takes my side with the breakup. She admits I am a good roommate and now takes my side with that. But the thing is...i'm not sure if I should be friendly to her anymore based off the past....its just hard for me because she completely changed all of a sudden but its when I completely gave up on the friendship. I know I can't trust her again so I don't know if I should just cut her off or if I should forgive her and stay friends (but not be close) on the condition that I never be there for her if she comes crying to me. Part of me thinks maybe she just can't get close to people period. Idk. I do enjoy talking to her lately though...I can't say the same for the other two.

 

Idk, part of me thinks maybe I am expecting too much from friendship, but part of me thinks I am also way too forgiving. I really need help deciding if I should cut any of these people out. Right now I just feel super sad around all of them.

Edited April 16, 2015 by La Trese

[Frank2thepoint]

Concerning friend #1. You don't have to cut her out of your life. She may irritate you with her requests, but she's not being toxic to you. She doesn't sound like she creates any major drama. Just keep saying no to her requests, or at least make some compromise, like have her pay for half of the cost of fuel.

 

Concerning friend #2. This one you can't really cut out of your life because she's your roommate and part of your professional fraternity. You can continue communicating with her, but at a certain point if nothing changes, you'll just have to be only roommates and cordial to each other. Nothing more. Don't even ask her to any events or functions, not even to go grab some food together or a movie. Don't even talk to her about your life or everyday things. Basically tune her out for nearly everything except roommate responsibilities.

 

Concerning friend #3. This one you should definitely cut her out. She took advantage of your good nature, and didn't care about being supportive when you needed. Funny thing is, when you stopped talking to her, she began giving you attention again. She is definitely toxic. You are right not to trust her. Unfortunately she is your roommate as well, so the only option is do what I suggested you should do with friend #2. Keep your distance and be brief with her. Eventually she'll be off to graduate school and away from you.

[preraph]

Number 3, you should give her a chance. You can always dump her later if need be. I used to be one of those "well, he's never done anything bad to me" people. And I think when everyone is young and drama is high, it's not a bad thing, but I can personally vouch that once you're a working full-grown adult dealing with coworkers and bosses and cheating spouses and more serious problems, it's best to take heed if someone has a real issue with a mutual acquaintance, a serious issue, not just "he talked about me," but that he's been violent or verbally abusive or is a serial cheater or illegal activities.

 

Number 1, you need to stop even answering her demands. Not sure why she thinks that's okay, but she sounds a bit spoiled brattish. If otherwise she has your back though, just stand your ground and tell her you're simply not up for being her taxi.

 

Number 2, I think I'd let her go with the gang. It's nice she at least didn't totally abandon you, but she's still choosing them. So you don't have to completely wash your hair of her, but stop initiating contact. Be polite and even friendly when you see her, but don't ask her to do things. Show her you don't need her or her little friends but that you, like her, are at least big enough to be nice.

[La Trese]

Number 3, you should give her a chance. You can always dump her later if need be. I used to be one of those "well, he's never done anything bad to me" people. And I think when everyone is young and drama is high, it's not a bad thing, but I can personally vouch that once you're a working full-grown adult dealing with coworkers and bosses and cheating spouses and more serious problems, it's best to take heed if someone has a real issue with a mutual acquaintance, a serious issue, not just "he talked about me," but that he's been violent or verbally abusive or is a serial cheater or illegal activities.

 

Number 1, you need to stop even answering her demands. Not sure why she thinks that's okay, but she sounds a bit spoiled brattish. If otherwise she has your back though, just stand your ground and tell her you're simply not up for being her taxi.

 

Number 2, I think I'd let her go with the gang. It's nice she at least didn't totally abandon you, but she's still choosing them. So you don't have to completely wash your hair of her, but stop initiating contact. Be polite and even friendly when you see her, but don't ask her to do things. Show her you don't need her or her little friends but that you, like her, are at least big enough to be nice.

 

This is pretty much what i'm doing now...I was worried I was doing the wrong thing and might be too soft, but it is a relief that you also think its the right thing to do. Thank you!

Edited April 17, 2015 by La Trese

[anika99]

Number 3 sounds a bit wishy washy but since she's making more of an effort now her friendship may still be valuable.

 

 

Number 1 and 2 don't sound like bad people to me. They probably don't even know how harshly you are judging them just for going about their lives and being who they are. I find it interesting that friend number 2 takes you to your doctor appointments and yet you find friends number 1 requests for you to take her anywhere outrageous.

 

 

The bottom line is that nobody is perfect and there is no such thing as a perfect friend. If your friends made a similar list and named your qualities and your flaws what do think they would say about you? You are not perfect either and part of being a good friend is accepting other people for who they are, flaws and all.

[La Trese]

Number 3 sounds a bit wishy washy but since she's making more of an effort now her friendship may still be valuable.

 

 

Number 1 and 2 don't sound like bad people to me. They probably don't even know how harshly you are judging them just for going about their lives and being who they are. I find it interesting that friend number 2 takes you to your doctor appointments and yet you find friends number 1 requests for you to take her anywhere outrageous.

 

 

The bottom line is that nobody is perfect and there is no such thing as a perfect friend. If your friends made a similar list and named your qualities and your flaws what do think they would say about you? You are not perfect either and part of being a good friend is accepting other people for who they are, flaws and all.

Well friend number 2 uses my own car to take me to doctors appointments, not hers, and its once a year and I always ask her weeks ahead of time and only make the appointment when its convenient for her schedule. Friend number one asks me to use my own car every single day to drive her to the mall, and she asks me one hour before, doesn't give a **** if its during a time where I have work or class, and expects me to drop everything to do it for her despite me flat out telling her countless times I HATE it when she does that. Its completely different. As I said, I would gladly give her a ride if its an emergency or super important like a doctor's appointment. Heck I would even give her a ride to the mall if she asked me once in a while ahead of time instead of calling me the hour before 10x when she knows i'm probably in class or at work. But the fact she keeps asking makes me not want to do **** for her ever because I know the minute I do something for her she will ask for another favor. It makes me feel like she either has no concept of boundaries or is using me. She has no regard for my schedule or time whatsoever. I remember four years ago, she spend a month convincing me to go see a drake concert with her, calling me like 4 times a day asking if I am going. I didn't even want to go, but she said it would mean a lot to her if we went together so I spend 40 dollars on my ticket and took off work for the evening. The day of, she called me and cancelled because she wanted to go somewhere else with another friend and said she sold her ticket. I remember I got so mad because she wasted so much of my time and money, I told her we weren't friends anymore and she started crying and bought her ticket back so I forgave her because she made it right. But when she does stuff like this, it makes me really question whether I should stay her friend or not because it shows she still has zero regard for my time and money. She isn't a bad person, she is a good person actually. But I think what makes this more than a flaw is she expects a lot out of me, but she would never do the same. Heck even when I call her once (not 10x like she does) and its during her favorite show, she will not pick up until the next day when its convenient for her.

 

I know people have flaws some of my other best friends have things that annoy me but I don't complain about. I know what my flaws are too. But the reason I am on the fence is i'm starting to think with these three it might be more than just flaws I should overlook, and that maybe I should start considering letting them go.

Edited April 18, 2015 by La Trese

[Tayla]

You seem to be burning bridges instead of finding ways to fortify them.

 

Compromise. Someday , and it will happen, others will talk about you and wonder why they were your friend. Take it for what its worth, this is a time to build ,not tear down.

[La Trese]

You seem to be burning bridges instead of finding ways to fortify them.

 

Compromise. Someday , and it will happen, others will talk about you and wonder why they were your friend. Take it for what its worth, this is a time to build ,not tear down.

 

Compromise how?

 

1) i'm sorry but no she needs to respect the time and money of other people. Her favors are ridiculous.

2) I've tried reaching out to her so many times, talking to her, I give up.

3) I am afraid to forgive her to be honest. She has hurt me before, she probably can again.

 

I literally have no idea what I can do on my end. I've tried talking to all of them. I feel like the ball is in their court.

Edited April 18, 2015 by La Trese

[glamtran]

Friend 1 is great in a lot of ways but I agree she needs to compromise and be there more readily for you too, not just take take take and give when it's convenient. This needs to be commuincated to her though and mention the examples you just brought up above. Then the ball will be in her court.

 

Friend 2 almost seems like you are her "dirty little secret" or something, embarrassed to be your friend depending on who's looking? You've talked to her, ball is in her court, but I would prepare to dial down the relationship as others have said. Perhaps dial it down permanently.

 

Friend 3 I have to agree is wishy washy. Your ex hated her but she didn't see it at first, and even said how great of a guy he can be and wasn't supportive of your grief. Lack of loyalty to you, and she's not very persceptive. It took him being flat out rude to her to change her view. Another example of her being out to lunch is when she says YOU have roommate problems. Ouch And now all of a sudden her grad stuff is done with and she wants to be BFF. Makes me wonder. I would have a hard time forgiving her too. I'm curious though, how did she not support you after your break up? Besides glorifying your ex?