Am I exaggerating the whole situation with my group of friends?

[Anna Karenina]

First of all.. Hi! I'm new on this forum and sorry if I make any grammatical mistakes; English is not my native language.

So... I will try to be as clear as possible about my "problem".

I have this group of friends (all of them are girls) since 2009-2010. I met them in high school and now we're all studying at college. They were already a group of friends before I met them.

I have always been an introverted and shy person, so it's hard for me to actually feel like I fit in a group of people and feel like I really trust in them.

One of them (we're 7) has been my friend since we were 5 years old and she met my group of friends some years ago, so now she's practically part of the group. (Let's call her "V")

Well.. last year I had some troubles with them. Not grave at all. Just silly discussions about some issues but, I began to feel like I didn't get on well with them at all at that point.

They would organise gatherings or they would go out to the cinema but they didn't invite me. And when I asked them about it, they said "We thought you were busy with your exams" or "You were not online so we thought you weren't available" (I always have my mobile phone with me, so I think this was just an excuse; and even though I was really busy with my studies I always told them I would make some space for them on my schedule; and that they shouldn't worry about it). I know it sounds stupid that I feel bad about that, because it's really childish, but I started to feel left apart.

I don't have a clue why they would do that, so I let it go.

So... I will get to the point because this is getting too long; I just wanted to make an introduction to the actual topic.

There is particularly one of them who I NEVER got along with. We had such a weird "friendship". Honestly, I never considered her as my real friend, but as she was a original member of the group I tried to be kind and gentle with her, but she has like... a toxic personality.

She was always complaining and getting angry about almost EVERYTHING and provoked some discussions between me and my other friends because of misunderstandings created by her. I never really liked her. I don't want to judge her, and I don't want to offend anyone on this forum, but I know she's on a psychiatric treatment, so there's obviously something bad with her. But I don't know much detail. I know we all have moments when we can be irritable and moody, but she was almost always like this. I will call her "A".

So, on December we were organizing to meet in someone else's house but I didn't go because I had a discussion with her the day before of the gathering so I would have felt a bit uncomfortable if I had decided to go. So I stayed at home.

That night, my best friend, told me that "A" and another one of my "friends"(who happens to be A's best friend) talked about me behind my back because she got mad at me because I didn't go.

I never told them I was not going because of her, but I assume it was a bit obvious for her. I decided to confront them.

Well that same night, she and her best friend told me some nasty things and they told me that I was exaggerating and that I was making myself look like a "victim". But, what would you think if your best friend comes to you and tells you "A and G were talking really bad about you today". Maybe she was the one who misunderstood their words but I don't really now.

And there's where everything begins.

My supossed group of friends doesn't invite me anymore to their gatherings because "A" told them that she doesn't want to see me anymore. It's ok if she wants to end our "friendship" but I really considered the rest of them as my real friends and it's like they don't care about me anymore.

They barely (ok.. almost NEVER) talk to me anymore, and when I talk to them they answer but ... indifferently. I ask them how is their life going on but they won't ask how mine is.

I invited some of them to meet at a coffee last week and they told me excuses and said "Ok, but we can meet the next weekend"... ofc they never told me anything else the rest of the week.

This week we're on holidays, none of them are busy and I have seen photos of them with A and I felt kinda jealous. I have been waiting all week thinking 'maybe they will talk to me and they'll tell me that they want to see me this week as they are not busy' but nope.. Nothing.

I've come to realise that they don't genuinely care about me anymore.

But my problem was only with A, not with the rest of them. I don't really understand.

My best friend tells me she thinks I am right and that they're being tough with me, but they have no reasons to act like this because I never did anything wrong to them.

V and A never got along with each other initially... but now they happen to be """best friends""". Once I tried talking to V about all this, and she acts defensive, it's like she gets offended whenever I bring the topic on. She tells me "I don't see how A's situation changed our friendship. Maybe you're being just paranoid". But I doubt it. A person who does not talk to you or who does not show any interest in seeing you, when it's been like 4 months since you met with each other can't be you friend, right?

I feel bad about it, because they are -were- the only friends I had and even though I am meeting new people at my university I feel like I will never be friends with them. I find it hard to open up to new people and to feel real affection for them. (I don't know if there's something wrong with it, but really, it happens to me with almost everyone new who is trying to meet me, I always push people away)

I am happy that, at least, my best friend (the only one who has been there all this time) is still with me and I feel stupid because I miss the rest of my friends while they barely remember me.

I have been thinking about talking to some of them about this, but I am not sure. I don't want to bother them. I also want to erase them from my life, but I am not sure. I find it hard to do it. I am very sensitive and I would feel really bad. So, what do you think about this? Any advice on how should I act?

P.D.: sorry if it got too long :S

Edited April 2, 2015 by Anna Karenina

[anika99]

I wouldn't bother trying to discuss your issues with this group anymore. They have already shown you by their actions that you are not part of their circle

 

 

I'm not sure what problems you had with them. You started off your post by saying that you had some troubles with them going back a year and that they didn't seem to invite you to their outings. You can't force friendships and for whatever reason you and they don't seem to be a good fit. Stay friends with your best friend and let the other ones go. Instead of chasing these people around who are making you feel like crap, be open to meeting new people who have a positive affect on your life.

[preraph]

I'm afraid they've moved on without you. You did make a critical error by skipping that one activity because of whatever happened with you and A. Of course, they're going to talk about you. If you'd been there, maybe they'd have talked to you instead of about you. Of course, all friends talk about each other, every little thing.

 

I think you were being dramatic by staying away and probably hoping to get attention from doing that, someone to sympathize with you, but that backfired. I honestly think they've all moved on, as does happen to friends about college age. So just start trying to make new friends and leave them alone unless one of them reaches out to you, and then if one does, you'll know that one is still your friend.

[Penguin_hugs]

A similar ish situation happened to me around 6 years ago. My group of female friends from school turned on me pretty much overnight because I was still friends with my best friend of 12 years and he had just been dumped by one of the girls in the group.

 

Basically- the message is- in retrospect it was one of the best things to happen. You have now found out who your real friends are and you won't waste time with rubbish friends.

 

I moved on, went to college and met some amazing people who have become my lifelong friends, more so than even my Uni friends.

 

The only thing is returning to your home town and having to see them in shops or pubs etc. But just learn to be good at pretending to be civil