Jealous that my guy friends hit on other girls when we go out

[amkxoxo]

So I am very frustrated. Months ago my good friend Kelly, introduced me to some of her high school friends. We are all in our last year of college or some of us have graduated and am working a real job. I am working a real job while finishing school. She introduced me to two guys whom she had become friends with. They seemed to be really nice guys, and after we met they continually invited Kelly and I out with them for drinks and innocent fun. Let’s call the two guys, Ryan and John. John is not my type, but is very friendly and loves to get to know you as a person. John had shown interest in Kelly and then myself, but we both turned him down. He stays cordial with us as friends. Ryan is more my type. He has a cool attitude about him. People seem to love him. He seems to love when people love him. Ryan is funny, smart, personable. I was attracted to his confidence.

 

 

 

Over the last year I had become quite sarcastic. I had been through a lot with men and friends of mine taking advantage of me, using me,and stabbing me in the back. Now I am just sarcastic and call it like it seems, because I won’t stand for games and being played, because I am overly nice and passive. I started to become good friends with both of these guys. The four of us would go out almost every weekend. They started including us with their other friends, and I made some new friends. I loved it. I felt like I fit in well with a group, which I needed since most of my friends graduated and moved back to their homes far away from college. I needed new friends and these people lived in the area.

 

 

 

I started to fall for Ryan. When we talked, we hit it off, and Kelly told me even John was a little jealous because Ryan and I seemed chummy. John even made comments to Kelly about how Ryan and I would be good together. I took this as something prominent because John and Ryan are best friends. One night we all went back to my apartment after a night out for drinks. Ryan and I seemed to be flirting and laughing and talking really well. At one point I had him follow me into my room to show him something I had bought. I am very innocent , so I didn’t mean anything by it. Maybe it was the wrong idea, but I am not the type of girl to bring someone into my bedroom expecting something. Then we ended up sitting on the floor talking for hours. Every so often John and Kelly would come in and “check” on us. Kelly said John was convinced Ryan and I were doing something other than talking, but Kelly assured him I wasn’t that type of girl. Which I felt I proved that night. After my past dating experiences, I was not going to pursue a guy. He could pursue and get to know me. But I started really liking Ryan

 

 

What made me angry was that times when we went out in a big group of friends, Ryan would be basking in everyone’s attention, and barely bothering with me. He would come in the door and people would love that he was there and he would love the attention. He would barely talk to me unless he needed something. I would try and be near him and strike up conversation, but he didn’t reciprocate the effort. He would laugh and talk to me if I started it with him, but otherwise nothing. I didn’t like this. When it was just the four of us, Myself, Ryan, Kelly, and John, Ryan seemed to want to talk and joke around with me. He seemed to like that I was there. But if others were around, he did not. I started getting frustrated with his lack of attention for me, and I decided that he didn’t like me like I originally thought.

 

 

As I started to give up, we all went out one night. It was John, Ryan, myself, and my guy roommate. Surprisingly Ryan was all over me. Talking to me and joking with me. He seemed very interested. This made me laugh because I was giving my roommate a lot of attention that night and not him. I was focusing on my roommate because he didn’t know anyone else. Ryan kept getting my attention and it almost seemed like he was taunting me. Like he was using my underlying feelings for him and trying to get under my skin. He kept making funny comments about risqué girls at the bar. He would tell me how he was into blondes, and sorry for my loss (since I’m brunette). All these little comments seemed to amount to him seeming to maybe like me again. What also happened, was that he eventually asked me for help with something he had to do for school. I had resources at my job that could help him. I went home that night overly happy, and then sad, because he was buttering me up to get something from me. That was mean.

 

 

We started texting about what he needed help on and they would string into long conversations back and forth. I thought maybe we couldget to know each other, while also getting his work done. I was feisty and sarcastic with him, asking him what I got out of helping him etc… I made it seem like I wasn’t going to help him, or that it was a burden. When in fact I went over and above and did great work for him, because I am a nice person, and wouldn’t do anything less for anyone else. When he realized how much work I was doing he started calling me on the phone to communicate more. The conversations were brief. He eventually had what he needed and I didn’t hear from him again. The last conversation we had, he told me a secret of his that barely anyone knows. He told me I couldn’t tell anyone and that Kelly couldn’t even know. I have kept his secret. We don’t talk anymore. He will text when he wants Kelly and I to go out with everyone, but other than that, nothing.

 

 

My tipping point with this guy was the other night. He messaged everyone about going out for drinks. His friend Mike was in town and they wanted to go out. A big group of us went, and I met some new people. I invited my guy roommate again, and Kelly was there too. My guy roommate showed up with a random girl I had never seen before. She was extremely nice and friendly. She and I talked often throughout the night, she told me she had aboyfriend in conversation. I barely made contact with Ryan. Ryan’s friend Mike, who is very attractive, also barely made contact with me. I was hoping Mike would maybe think I was cute, but he didn’t really try. Mike and Ryan were drinking and laughing with certain people and having fun. I was doing the same with other people. They noticed the girl my roommate brought and called me over to them. Ryan put his around me in a fun and friendly way. I got excited. Then he asked me if the girl with my roommate was his girlfriend. When I said “no”,and asked why, he told me it was because Mike and he thought she was hot and didn’tknow if she was taken or not. This made me mad. You invite me out, a girl, as a friend, in a group, and you are asking me about other girls. Way to make me feel special. I felt like crap. And to call me over and talk to me the only time in the night about some other girl is extremely rude. I am blunt, so I came out and told them it was rude. Ryan ignored me.

 

 

I was so upset. I went over and told Kelly what happened and how rude it was. I didn’t realize John was nearby, hearing what I was saying. He piped in and said “are you jealous? You sound jealous?” I denied my jealousy, but I probably was. It was rude. I have other guy friends who I go out with, who don’t do those things. A few days later I thought it was strange that Mike was connecting with me and my roommate on social media. Mike barely talked to my roommate that night. It was all to get to that girl. I started seeing pictures online of Mike and the girl from that night. I was raging made. I am positive Ryan was with them. They used me and my roommate to hang out with some other girl. You don’t do that. That would be like Kelly introducing me to John and Ryan, and I just start hanging out with them, without Kelly. I am so angry now. Like for one, I am jealous because I am a good catch. I am cute and funny and smart and pretty. I have a lot to offer. They are both idiots. Second, you just don’t do that. You meet this girl through my roommate and I, and you become best friends with her behind our backs. Like she and I go toschool together. They don’t even go to our school. There were pictures of them at our school. But they don’t go to visit me, who is supposed to be their friend. They visit some hot girl they just met. I am so done. I am so mad. Like they are treating this girl like their shiny new toy. Maybe I am a bit jealous. When they first met me, I was the fun new person, and now I'm not as special to them. I know people are interested in me. John asked me out and some of the other guys in their friend group have asked me out. I just was not interested in any of them. That's not nice, its wrong. Maybe they don't like me because I am blunt and they know they can't mess with me. I am not easy. Maybe I am not important because I don't bring woman around for them. Kelly told me that before they met me, they would ask Kelly what I looked like and stuff. Whatdo people think of this situation? Am I wrong?

[preraph]

Sounds like you've let this all slip into just being buddies. You emphasized how you're not "that kind of girl," but I'm assuming those guys are writing you off for that very reason because guys are not widely known to pride themselves on being chaste.

 

Probably until you're ready to really have adult relationships, this isn't the crowd for you. They're all interested in women and sex. In Ryan's mind, he probably thinks because you have put it out there that you don't have sex, that was the equivalent of telling him he better go play elsewhere. He may like you -- and he may like 12 other girls as well, but he's probably going to go where there's some action and not be content to just sit around and talk. But if you like him, you better let him know. Just tell him, Look, I was really offended that you thought you could talk to me like I was your bro because I like you more than that. Then all you can do is see if he's interested back or has the patience for someone trying not to have sex.

[amkxoxo]

I'm happy you saw a different side of this than others have. Some other people on forums have told me I sound like a jealous psycho. Maybe I have made some mistakes in this as well, I admit. I give John a lot of credit because he has gotten to know Kelly and I. He texts us and asks us questions about ourselves. John has helped me clean my apartment before after a party. Maybe I came across too harsh for Ryan. I feel like my feelings may have ruined this. Ryan barely bothers with me now. I also found out that the secret Ryan had been hiding from almost everyone is that he is moving away this summer for a long time. He is signing up for this program which requires him to move away for job experience.

 

 

I can't dwell on it, but because of his situation he probably isn't looking for anything serious, and I am a girl that wants something serious. Thus, guys avoid me. My ex told me I deserved the dream relationship and someone who can give me all this great stuff that I deserve. I am the type that they marry.

 

 

I don't even know what to do at this point.

[jellybean89]

you do sound very jealous.

 

These guys consider you a buddy, a friend. They don't look at you as a sex partner.

 

Has nothing to do with you being "blunt" or "sarcastic". Ryan just isn't into you.

 

I don't see anything that the guys did that was wrong. They saw a cute girl, wondered if you could introduce them and since you really aren't friends with her, they found other ways to 'get to know her'. The whole "they don't visit me" at school sounds very immature and really REALLY jealous.

 

They are friends. Period. If you can't be friends with them, that's cool. But stop looking for Ryan to want to date you - doesn't seem as if that is what he wants.

 

I really think you are way too angry over nothing. These guys aren't required to only talk to you, to only hang out with you and to include you in every thing they do. They have friends - friends you don't know about or friends who you don't hang out with. If you can't keep it casual, which it sounds like you can't, then it is probably best you don't 'hang out' with them anymore. You are very territorial over 2 dudes who are friends.

[preraph]

Doesn't sound like there's anywhere to go with Ryan, then, with him moving. Well, there's lots of other guys in the world.

 

 

Of course, you were jealous. That's the problem with trying to be a gal pal, though. If either of you start having feelings, the other one is oblivious and does something that makes you cringe.