:( Ex turned best friend - feel like i'm being used

[VConfused]

I would love some advice. I can't talk to people in my life about it.

 

I had a relationship with a girl. I left the state to pursue studies, but we agreed to keep the relationship. I was gone 3 years. I met a new girl while I was gone. We had a great friendship, we shared things with each other we had shared with nobody else.. truths, experiences and so on. We were very connected. It turned into a sexual relationship, however she also had other partners on and off as I still had a GF back home .. She is extremely beautiful, and smart, and has a lot going for her.

 

When we were seeing one another, she would go through phases. She was scared of settling down, and I had a GF still technically back home, so she would see other people. However I put pressure on her to be with me, and I would leave my GF. Weeks before I was destined to move home for good, we stopped talking about it, and decided to just do it. However, it didn't work out. I cheated on her as well, and she walked in on it. Im not defending my actions in any way, with any story, just know I know i was an idiot, and a selfish one, and any pain i've had since is karma. Trust me there has been plenty.

 

She didn't talk to me for a week, but then we started to see each other again, and agreed to try to make it work. The man whos shoulder she cried on however, had other ideas.. and when I left to return home, despite our plans, she started a relationship with this new man.

 

I have returned home, and confessed all to my GF, and left her. The other girl, who this post is about, the one I saw while I was away, is still with this other man.

 

I accept that, and we have both tried to be close friends. Most people know us as inseparable. I have not tried to interfere with her relationship. It has hurt a lot, seeing her in love with another man, but I hang in there anyway. I also try to move on with my own life, but keep coming back to loving her. She wont stay with him. They have constant problems. She often refers back to me, our life together, as do I. We both miss it.

 

MY PROBLEM - When things are bad with this new man, she calls me, skypes me, wants my conversation. I help her through it, and never slander him, I always try to keep objective. When she is neither here nor there with him, has started to move on with him during a break... she is also very communicative with me, like the old days. I am her best friend, and she often tells me I'm her only real friend. BUT, when she is good with him, she barely speaks to me. He lives a flashy lifestyle, and she tries to live that same lifestyle.

 

She has in the past asked me for money to go on a holiday with him.. which as painful as it was.. I gave it to her. I constantly help her out with advice, occasionally money, my notes for her study. Im always there for her. But she only wants my attention if she's not good with this guy.

 

Recently.. it was too much, and I brought it up (I have in the past a few times before). She said i'm too needy, and too involved.. and has banned me from speaking to her for 3 months (she has done this once before).

 

I know I did bad things in the past. I can't change that. But she is past them, and has done bad things herself. I am asking for advice... If a close friend treats you like that - bans you from speaking to them because you want too much interaction - despite them wanting it from you UNLESS their current relationship is good... Is it time to let her go totally.. not just as a partner.. but as a friend.

 

I feel like I am always there for her. I want nothing in return for that except her availability to me as a friend, her respect. I feel like, switching me off, putting me on a shelf, and then banning me from talking to her for 3 months when I complain about it.. is just wrong. I feel very hurt, and disrespected. I dont want to cut her out.. as a friend I love her dearly. But is it time to just do it?

[Timshel]

From your post, I assume that you are relatively young (20's?) Sorry if I am incorrect. Having some distance does not equal the end of a friendship/relationship. On the contrary, it is often time that reveals true and lasting bonds. Allowing the natural ebb and flow of life and growth to occur.

 

It sounds like what you need now is some space to get your own perspectives and life on target. She's got a thing going on and it's her thing, not yours. The true test of any relationship is time. Let it happen, you don't need to control it or be held hostage by guilt. Like you said, you paid your dues. You have living to do and so does she.

 

The old adage is always true; if you love someone, let them go, if they come back, they are yours, if not, they never were. Wouldn't you rather?