Don't want to offer hospitality but how to say it? LONG

[DeluxeYou]

There’s this woman in my church who tries to be my friend. I don’t consider her a friend because I don’t like her lifestyle. She’s a master gossip, dishonest, and a parasite: borrows money without refunding, forcefully extorts money from people and doesn't work and prefers to live off people, all of that coupled with a holier –than-thou attitude just because she chose to devote her life to the advancement of our religion. She seems to think of me as a clutch, mainly because I don’t know how to say no.

 

I have to compose with her only because we belong to the same religious group and her house is quite close to mine.

 

I'm an introvert, love to spend time alone doing my own thing. I love being alone and I enjoy my own company, which people see as strange. She's the kind of person I would never have around if we did not belong to the same religion.

 

I’m gainfully employed, and have my own cozy place which is rare and uncommon where I live, considering my age.

 

Her sister had a surgery this week and she says she’d like her to stay at my end for a month! Ever since I got this apartment (which is quite high end in comparison to what you can find around here), these people in my church have been requesting, non stop, to come and live with me for a variety of reasons, since they know I live alone and my apartment is quite big and comfortable.

 

These are expert gossips, talkative and overbearing people who think that belonging to the same religion gives them the right to go on and on about you to others and to interfere with your life. I have a phobia of all of them because they have this holier than thou attitude and and I wouldn’t like to have any of them around for even 24hrs. I consider being alone as a way of sheltering myself away from their bad mouthing, hypocrisy and incisive judgement.

 

I’ ve been able to turn these requests off but this one is quite different. She’s mentioning her sister’s health as reason but I still don’t want to have them around. These people are loud and not considerate at all. I know they’re gonna drown me with their overwhelming and intrusive selves in my own house as I’d not have the guts to say no when they’ll be doing things that will affect me. Also, they aren't gonna participate financially in anything because they me see as "rich", or at least not needing their financial contribution. So by default they're going to use my water, light, gaz and food. Knowing how they behave I know they're going to be coming and staying with her to take care of her.

How can I say politely no without appearing to be insensitive? I know that they'll come inside my privacy, say "thank you" to me and go round gossiping about me, especially since they'll have first hand news on me. I'm scared of them as hell.

 

NB: These people are far older than me, and a number of their gossip companions also have empty rooms in their houses/ apartments.

Edited September 28, 2014 by DeluxeYou

[d0nnivain]

If they outright ask you could simply say you value you privacy or that now would not be a good time.

 

Talk to your pastor. These other church members seem awful.

[evanescentworld]

If it's any easier, WRITE to them, and tell them that you have considered their request, but that currently you are unable to comply.

 

They don't need to know why, they don't even have a right to know of any reason.

You have your reason.

That should be sufficient.

 

The only reason they need is that you are not obliged to do as they ask. That's why they have asked.

Because you have a choice.

You have chosen 'no'.

It's not like you have no options but to....*whatever they want*....

The answer's no.

You value your space and privacy, and you've chosen to keep it that way.

 

You're sorry, if that changes their plans, but they really shouldn't bank on only the option of you complying.

But you don't need to apologise for your decision. It's a perfectly reasonable decision.

 

If you learn to say 'no' now - and stick to your guns, you will discover two, amazing and incredibly satisfying things:

 

One, it feels extremely liberating to finally be able to say it, and Two - it will get easier to say it, every time.

 

EDIT TO ADD:

Keep a copy of the letter you send, with the date you send it.

That way, if they try to gossip, spread rumours and tell people invented things for why you said 'no', you can pull the letter out and respond:

"No, actually, that's completely untrue. This is the letter I sent, and here is what I said...."

[preraph]

It doesn't matter who they are or why you don't want them. It's rude for people to invite themselves. Give them very little explanation because you don't owe them one. Just say, "Oh, sorry, no, that wouldn't be convenient." If they keep asking you, say, "I don't like house guests." Period, end of story.

[Ronni_W]

DeluxeYou,

This would NOT be a case of you not "offering hospitality"...it would be a case of you refusing to submit and subject and subjugate yourself to a bunch of negative people; people who want to and are more than willing to take advantage, are known gossips, use guilt and manipulation to get their own way. THEY are the insensitive ones, not you. THEY are rude, intrusive, overbearing, dishonest, parasitic users of others (seriously unfriendly); not you.

 

Friendliness, compassion and hospitality DOES NOT require you to subject yourself to any and all of that!

 

How to decline being taken advantage of and used in the manner in which these people desire, is as has already been said: "Due to my own needs and circumstances, I cannot accommodate your request. I am sure that you also pray for and want what's best for my own spiritual/religious needs and growth at this time. I know that your own faith and compassion will give you full understanding and acceptance of my situation. Thank you and God bless us each and every one, equally."

[evanescentworld]

I hope DeluxeYou comes back and is strengthened and invigorated by our support.

 

Also, you need to get mad.

Mad enough to realise these people are abusive, manipulative, shallow, two-faced and presumptuous, and it's YOU they have targeted as a soft and easy option because you are, in their eyes, young, vulnerable, easily malleable and carry on like this, and they will mould you nicely into their Parish Successor.

 

Don't accommodate them, let them in to your life, or permit them to influence you now, or sure as eggs is eggs, you WILL become like them.

[Arieswoman]

Deluxeyou,

What sort of church is this, for goodness sake? These people sound a total nightmare !

 

My husband and I used to belong to a church that had more than it's fair quota of busybodies, so we left. We now have to travel further to worship but we get a nicer class of people.

 

Isn't it time you considered worshipping somewhere else?

[Els]

Wait... so you're not related to these women, but her sister came right out and said that she wants to stay at YOUR house for a MONTH?

 

How very presumptuous and rude for them to make such a request. If they're going to be taking care of her after surgery why isn't she staying in THEIR house? I mean... they're not homeless, right?

 

I agree with the person who suggested that you say, "No, sorry, that wouldn't be convenient." If they try to wheedle you further, they're clearly completely shameless and in your position I would just tell them exactly what I thought of them.

 

(Also, several people in your church have requested to live with you?!?! Time to move...)