Female friend/colleague turned cold

[David2013]

Hi, I wondered if I could have some thoughts on my situation with a friend/colleague.

 

We went out on a date before Christmas, and had a great time, but she decided to keep things as friends. She gave no reason but it’s probably for the best as we work together. I was v disappointed because we get along well, and neither of us seem to have much dating experience. However I totally accepted it and hoped we could still be good friends.

 

And everything was fine... we’d text each other sometimes, send emails, chat around work, play sport with others from the office, we had lunch together once too, all normal friends stuff.

 

But something changed recently, and I’ve no idea why. It started when she blanked me in the office, and a series of events since have left me in no doubt that she’s avoiding me. To be sure I wasn’t being paranoid, I asked if she wanted to do lunch, like last time. She took over a day to reply, v unlike her, and said that I’m welcome to join her and the others any lunchtime, evading my invite.

 

It’s an unpleasant feeling that she now doesn’t seem comfortable just the 2 of us, which is not normal for 2 friends.

 

I don’t understand what’s happened, I really haven’t done anything wrong, it makes no sense. Actually we’ve barely spoken these last few weeks.

 

Strangely she did invite a big group of people, including me, to a weekend event just after she went cold on me, but I declined because I didn’t think she’d want me there. I just said I was meeting someone.

 

Should I just assume something is going on with her and leave things for now? Has someone said something? Or should I ask if everything is ok between us, and explain that I do understand it's just friends between us? Maybe she’s just not as invested in the friendship me!

 

Thanks v much for any thoughts!

[preraph]

I would say it's one or a combination of a few things. She wants to stop rumors that you two are dating by not being seen hanging out with you as often, which is perfectly understandable. To anyone else, this looks like you're dating/sleeping together, which causes problems with other coworkers who then assume there could be some favoritism or bosses who then think "Hey, she slept with him, so she better sleep with me." Even friendship shows favoritism to others in the workplace.

 

The other reason is she could have started seeing someone and doesn't feel right spending time with you. Or she may feel hanging out with you is keeping her from being open to other relationships. Or she is interested in someone else and doesn't want him thinking she's into you.

 

Or she's just tired of your friendship or feels you're still just interested in her romantically and she's not.

 

The fact you're so focused on this to consider it a problem suggests your feelings are more than friends. Women can always tell and aren't comfortable with that, if that's the case.

[Tailor2000]

Why is it whenever a man is concerned about a womans behaviour changing abruptly and acting completely differently, you seem to think it must be because the man has feelings for the woman. If someone I knew well started avoiding me, I'd be asking questions!

 

I'd just ask her, because you'll probably go crazy trying to figure it out. Then you're not bottling anything up. If she's barely speaking to you, then you got nothing to lose.

 

Though she may come out with some answer that doesn't make any sense. She could have something going on in her life and can't make the time to see you individually so has group sessions like that. Maybe she's developed feelings for you and not quite sure if you feel the same way, or she doesn't want those feelings for you.

[David2013]

Thanks for your replies!

 

I still haven't contacted her since she replied about lunch, but I just don't know what to say, and don't want to send a fake reply.

 

She seems subdued in the office. I said hi when we passed each other yesterday but she just looked at me with a blank/sad expression.

 

Perhaps coincidence but the strangeness did start the day a note went round that her boss would be away for a number of weeks for personal reasons.

 

I just hope in time this will be sorted.

[David2013]

Wow, fair enough.

 

Yes I have backed off, and will continue to.

[preraph]

It's something that happens all the time. Lots of women are fine being friends and only friends with guys, but most guys don't spend that much time with a woman unless they'd like to take it up a notch. And women are very uncomfortable with that. It can be in the reverse too -- lots of women out there being some guy's "best friend" they're actually in love with. It's a sad fact of life, I'm afraid that just liking someone as a friend hasn't got much to do with wanting to have sex with them.