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BFF Ghost After Reuniting With DB BF


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Old 28th December 2013, 3:03 PM   #1
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BFF Ghost After Reuniting With DB BF

Ok. So I've known this girl for almost 20yrs. She has her flaws like everyone else including myself. Overall, she and her family has treated me like one of their own. Unfortunately, daddy issues and always "needing" to be with a man 24/7 and having a "deadline" by which she feels she should be married (although she's still in her late 20s!).

I've never EVER liked her bf. The FIRST TIME I met him, they got in a heated argument b4 coming into the house, she slammed the door, and he was pleading with me to tell her to talk to him. I told him, I have no idea what they argued about and I'm not going to get in the middle of it so sorry, I'm staying out of it.

So basically he signed into FB on her phone and forgot to sign out. She rarely goes on so a couple months later, she goes on FB on her phone, sees he didn't log out. Low and behold he was sending a bunch of other women and even asking them where they live. He claims, he wasn't going to do anything with them and he was just sexually frustrated since she decided to be celibate b/c of their religious beliefs. (He is a preacher's kid FYI). I told her don't take him back right away b/c he will not respect her if he has no consequences and doesn't EARN back her trust and respect. Of course she ignored my advice. I stayed with her family for a little while, shared a room with her and overheard him telling her "it's b/c of HER why you're acting like this." But to be fair, she defended me to the core and told him don't bring me into it. Interestingly enough, she started to treat me differently because since we were sharing a space, she probably felt like she couldn't do as she pleased with him b/c I was there, ultimately representing the voice of reason. I was very protective of her b/c she tried to commit suicide over the previous bf so I wanted to protect her because I love her so much.

Then, he met up with his estranged wife (too long of a story but according to him it wasn't an authentic marriage, more for business). She did his hair and according to him there's nothing there. My best friend does hair and so does his cousin so why would she do his hair? Then he wanted to go to school and tried to get her (EW) to cosign. I'm like, if they are not close or intimate, I find it odd that she would cosign on a loan for him. My bff was pissed and broke up with him. She took him back when the loan was denied.

After more on and offs and ups and downs, they decided to take a break and they were suppose to be evaluating whether or not there's a future there. In that time, she doesn't hear from him, and he was barely returning her calls. He confessed he met another woman and was going to see where it goes. She isn't religious so my bff belted, "oh, is it b/c she's having sex with you?" He said more BULL SHET about him not really liking her, etc. etc. that he doesn't want any1 with kids etc.

Then a few months ago, she said, "guess who called me on my bday?" I said, who, "M"? She said, hell no, haven't heard from that fool. She then had a vacay with the family planned. I texted her when she was suppose to come back, asking how was the trip and she never replied to me. I also emailed her a couple times some funny links that we always share, no reply. I've reached the point in my life where I can't be bothered to chase people platonically and otherwise so I haven't made an effort to call her since.

Her mom called me for Xmas and it turns out, "M" accompanied them on the vacation and I began to connect the dots. She also disappeared on me in the summer, but she said it was b/c she was depressed and didn't want to speak to anyone, and I respected that. I honestly assumed the worst in the summer so I had to call her family to see if she was ok.

So my guess is whenever she gets back with him, she goes ghost b/c I was telling her the last time we talked a few months back, there's someone better in store for her and she needs to face her fear of loneliness; otherwise how can she conquer it? I also told her not to put an "age" on settling down; do it right and do it once verses rushing into something tumultuous only to be divorced shortly after. I don't understand why she allows him to have such a hold on her. She is a smart girl (otherwise), with a loyal and giving heart. I also think it's absurd to have graduated from the top school in the country in her field, have such a huge quality network of people and to be more worried about this fool then getting a JOB and living her freaking dreams. She's been going to school for years and overcame SO MUCH. Throw it away or stall your life for some loser who your family doesn't like and who treats you like crap? I don't get it.

She does a very good job of putting on a facade like she doesn't care when she does; I was flabbergasted when her mom told me she attempted suicide b/c a week prior she was telling how she knew it wasn't going anywhere with the last guy who wanted to marry her but she didn't feel the same. Then the guy moved on and go engaged within a year and this lead her to her attempt.

I can't believe she would treat me like this after how much I've done for her and have been there for her. I am not mad at her; I actually pity her because I see someone who is broken and hurting who needs compassion. I will say though, if she marries him, I am not going to the wedding. I will also say if she chooses him over our friendship, I am finito b/c I am tired of people I treat like gold treating me like shet. I would forgive her but still keep her at arm's length. Her mom is such a darling and I really love her family. UGH.
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Old 29th December 2013, 12:06 AM   #2
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If she doesn't stop being so desperate to marry and truly is one of those people who needs someone 24/7, chances are very good she will end up with a jerk because she's going to be more tolerant rather than be alone. I have a friend a bit like that, but she doesn't totally abandon me because of a man though. There's probably no amount of advice you can give her that will help her not let a jerk into her life because she's too needy. So probably just relax, try not to get to involved, and reach out and make plans as long as she's willing to not let it get one-sided. Friends like that sometimes only come around when they need a counselor -- and then they don't take your advice, as you now know.
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Old 29th December 2013, 12:49 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
If she doesn't stop being so desperate to marry and truly is one of those people who needs someone 24/7, chances are very good she will end up with a jerk because she's going to be more tolerant rather than be alone. I have a friend a bit like that, but she doesn't totally abandon me because of a man though. There's probably no amount of advice you can give her that will help her not let a jerk into her life because she's too needy. So probably just relax, try not to get to involved, and reach out and make plans as long as she's willing to not let it get one-sided. Friends like that sometimes only come around when they need a counselor -- and then they don't take your advice, as you now know.
Thanks for the advice!!
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Old 29th December 2013, 10:22 PM   #4
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Chances are she's making herself scarce around you because she knows how you feel about this guy. And if the guy knows you think he's an ******* (correctly so, from what I understand from your post), he's probably encouraging her to stay distant.

At the same time, there isn't much you can do, aside form being ready and willing to be supportive when she does come around and come back to you. I would advise you try not to resent her, understand that she's working out some things, and be prepared to resume the friendship when this thing with the D-bag ends and she calls you up, needing support.

Until then, I guess it's time to back up (don't pursue her too much), and focus on cultivating your other friendships. She'll come around.. after 20 years I'd bet on it.
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