Clingy and toxic friend?

[pointfive]

Basically I have this friend and I've known her for 2 years. I met her at college and we ended up spending a lot of time together because we were in the same program and had nearly the same schedule for most of our classes. At first it was really fun hanging out and talking to her, we were like best friends. But what threw me off initially was she'd make a few racist comments like bringing up stereotypes of different ethnic groups (in a non-joking manner) or laugh at people when they spoke in their native languages. Eventually the comments were directed at me, and obviously it hurt a lot.

 

Every now and then those snide remarks come up. Some of them are racist, others are just rude. She'll say things like, "Her stuff is so much cuter than yours!" or "There you go again making little kids cry" (I work with kids and she said this while I was trying to cheer up a little boy while his parents were with him). She usually says those comments while other people are around too and I just find it very rude and embarrassing (even if they're not true).

 

Anyway since school ended, I found her to be very clingy as well. She'd send me multiple text messages if I don't respond within an hour... a few times I've either woken up to or received 4-11 text messages within a few hours of not seeing my phone. I've told her to tone it down a bit and she has, but it still happens occasionally.

 

I've also organized some hang outs as well since school ended. We've gone to parks, ate at restaurants, gone to amusement parks, shopped, etc. for the more "laid back" activities like going to the park and having picnics with our group, she'd always complain, "why do we always do nothing when we get together?" or if we shop, it feels like we have to drag her around even though she agrees to going.

 

For more "active" things like the amusement park or laser tag, she always seemed to have a bad time, like throwing up or not doing so well at games and she'd be a downer for the rest of the night. I've tried cheering her up but it feels like no matter what we do, there's always something wrong.

 

I guess to sum it up, she can be really sweet and caring. If something's wrong, she'll listen to you but it's just every now and then, she makes these really rude and snide comments, and I feel she's getting really needy. I feel like it's a rollercoaster all the time with her.

[Onward_Upward]

Most of us have had "toxic" friends at one point or another in our lives... But it does seem to be more common when we are young (between 16 and 25).

 

You have several options before you:

 

If you think the friendship is worthwhile, then you could talk with her about it... Explain boundaries in a way which will not offend her.

 

If you're not keen on the direct approach and you have more time, you could simply drop polite "hints" when she acts inappropriately. For example, by NOT responding in any way when she says something negative... Or you could simply verbally assert the opposite of what she's implying (again, in a way that doesn't put her down, or embarrass her unnecessarily).

 

You see, the way she is acting is a direct result of her upbringing. Unfortunately, some children are never given positive reinforcement by the adults around them. And when they try to achieve anything, they're not rewarded, but are instead put down with negative comments which always bring into question their abilities and desires... (In plain English: They're made to feel like sh*t!)

 

As such, a negative attitude becomes ingrained in them. Often, they mean no harm. And they're not aware of the harm their words cause...

 

Sometimes these people can be "guided" to a better way (one in which positive thoughts and words of encouragement are the first port of call). But it can sap a LOT of one's energies... especially if they're stubborn.

 

In this case, it is probably best to slowly edge your way out of their lives. Gradually, stop inviting them out. Lessen your visits to their place... Don't comment on their Facebook Page, etc...

 

In the end, it is up to you how you want to approach it.

 

Just know that the behavior and attitudes of most people are ingrained in them from early childhood; and whilst some people can change (for the better), most will probably not. Later in life, these folks usually surround themselves with people who share their own negative attitudes and fears (This reinforces their own worldview, thus making them feel "safe", I guess)...

 

The good news is that "positive" people often do the same... So, the choice is yours.

 

I wish you all the best, my friend

Edited August 27, 2013 by Onward_Upward

[CC12]

So you have an annoying friend. What do you want to do?

 

Do you still want to be her friend?

 

Or do you want to know if/how you should end it?

 

 

Edit: Not trying to be abrupt, it's just you didn't really say what kind of feedback you were looking for. If you just wanted to vent, that's cool, too.

[truth_seeker]

I'm having the same problem. The slow fade I think is the way to go. The Facebook delete is an option but doing that can cause problems. If people remove you from Facebook, it's considered an insult.

 

It really depends on you. If you're the type to consider feelings, go with the slow fade. If you could careless, drop them and go no contact.

[pointfive]

Thanks everyone for your responses, I was just looking for some advice

 

And you're right, it comes down to whether or not I still want to be friends with her. The hard part is that sometimes it really is great hanging out with her and we'll have times where nothing goes wrong, then other times it's going great and suddenly, bam! Negativity ensues... lol.

 

I think I will just limit the amount of time spent around her and if anything negative does pop up, I'll just try to spin it around to something positive. Some of my friends have suggested saying something negative back to her, but I think that just makes the situation worse... and not reacting might also enable her to continue the behaviour, so I think I'll try to be a bit more assertive but positive at the same time so she knows where I stand.

[Tayla]

Sometimes it helps to replace the term "friend" with a Social Associate.

 

I have social associates. Usually we carry a likeness for some social event or club, its not the same as a "true friend".

 

Can this person be someone that is more of a social associate and thereby releiveing you of the pressure of being their friend? Its a way to create space yet still get to know the person without divulging things on a personal level.

 

Social Associates are rarely privy to ones personal lives...A friend is privy to many aspects of ones entire life...Chose which fits for you

[pointfive]

That's an interesting way to look at things, it would help with not taking things too personally.

 

I am very close with this girl though, she does know a lot about me outside of college so it's difficult to just switch to a different perspective. For now I think I will just create a bit of distance and be a little more stern. Thanks for the advice