Jump to content

friend ended our friendship when he got a new gf


Recommended Posts

I have been friends with a male for nearly 4 years. We went to high school for a bit when he lived in my country about 20 years ago. We started writing (friends by writing only) when I was getting in contact with people from our school for a school reunion. Throughout our friendship, it has always been platonic. The only time I have ever crossed boundaries was when I asked him if I could compliment him (i asked him and he said that was fine) because I discovered wuite early on that he is a very closed and insecure man. I later found out that being 30, he never had been in a relationship before, only dating women or being a relationship lasting only a couple of months. His low self-esteem even expressed how he would approach women to not bother them. As a friend I really tried to encourage him and when when potential gf came I would try to encourage him to go for it.

I trusted him a lot and I eventually opened up to him about my marriage troubles as I was in an abusive relationship (my husband who I am still with was abusive but was never controlive or cruel, he was battling demons and depression and he is a good man - he has a very difficult job and puts his life at risk allthe time for others and he was dealing with stresses. Unfortunately not dealing with these stresses he became abusive but now is seeking support).

But during this terrible time, I was also dealing with my Father who moved away and married the woman who he had ann affair with for many years and I knew about this other woman since I was a child. It brought up many emotions and personal challenges and I confided this info to him as I belived my friend was an honest and good man and I was very proud to know such a man and he encouraged me to move on (at the time my relationship with my husband was going down heal and I did feel very wothless and ashamed).

Things began to get difficult within our friendship when I confided in him. He never once offered support or advice or even a nice word of encouragment. His conversation was never directed at me, he never inquired about my life or how was things, especially follow up on my news abotu uni, or my son, or triva things. As a friend to others, I always ask 'so how was that or how did you go, etc etc'.

I started to question him and his sincerity of our friendship and during this time he met a girl who he began to date. Eventually he emailed me to say that we can not be friends and hopes i understand that his gf's last relationship ended badly and if we remained friends, he said that he is sure she trusts him but she would be unhappy.

I was very shocked, and I was very hurt that he would think ill of me, that I am not to be trusted and our almost 4 year friendship was a concern. We wrote for crying out loud and he knew I wasn''t interested in him and I gave him advice that she has been hurt badly and to heal is to be able to trust your friends, especially your female ones. He can't deny himself female friends and the greatest gift to her is confidence and trust in his female friends who are good and caring people. He knows I am a good person.

He explained that it is difficult and feel that she feels this way becasue she hasn't met any of his female friends yet and so I question him. Why are you keeping your other female friends and are one day going to meet her but end our friendship. Of course he never replied to this. I feel very used and i'm gutted that he would put me in a category of sinful nature. I said, allow her to get to know me and I can write to both of you, not just him. I was wrapped for his relationship and was so happy for him, as he so needs confidence with woman and to develop his own trust in opening up to people, especially emotionally. He even stated that he isn't open to his family, which is really sad.

I feel so outraged that I even spoke many times how men are pigs who cheat and disrespect woman and so he knew I would support her insecurities and want to give her confidence to trust, especially being female.

It saddens me how women get so insure about woman and threatened. My husband has some lovely female friends and I am grateful that they are in his life becasue they look after him. They make sure when they are in a group of friends he behaves and they make sure he is fed and safe. These friends are friends that support him anyday and have been friends with him for 15 years. I'm friends with males because they offer a different relationship to female friends and that I am very blessed to have an enriched life of different people.

 

what are your thoughts? why do men have female friends and then end them when a gf comes along.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Country_Girl

I think guys that do this are secretly keeping you as a backup plan. If it was a genuine friendship, why wouldn't he want to keep it? Especially since you were open to meeting her and being friends with both.

 

I lost a guy friend of 2 years back in February, do to him getting into a serious relationship. He told me we could not talk/text/email/hangout anymore. Which I think is messed up, because I know how to maintain boundaries in friendships, we only had coffee maybe twice a month an sporadic texts - I would never invade his life like that and respected his relationship.

 

So yeah, it's probably due to a few factors: a) you were an option for him secretly b) pressure from her due to insecurity.

 

In either case, friends like are not even worth your time, if they are going to act like you are so disposable. I'm betting if they break up he'll be crawling back. Don't take him back when that happens.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...