Dumped by a Friend...I'm sad and confused!

[tygerr94]

This is WAY long....but I have to explain first:

 

My friend of 3 years (we work together, she's 34, I'm 32) has, all of a sudden, stopped talking to me.

 

We haven't "hung out" that much before this spring, but we were "friends at work". We talked on the phone, though. Over the past 7-8 months, she started flirting with me (being where I was, touching me on the arm, around the shoulder, standing close enough to touch, acting very interested, sending me sweet/cute emails, etc.) and I flirted back. I just looked at it mostly as a fun thing, not serious, and definitely on a friendship level. I never expected it to go anywhere.

 

She's (unhappily) married, wants out of it, and has one small child. I'd never do anything to break up her marriage, regardless. I'm a gay woman (although I've never 'told' her this or discussed it with her); I'm not out at work except to one or two very trustworthy people who I know wouldn't say anything. We got pretty close, to where I felt like I could tell her almost anything, and was going to share more about me. If she were "more available", I might have been a little more open/daring with her. We went to the movies, out for coffee, went to work social events...everything seemed cool and normal. It was very easy for us to carry on a great conversation. She told me things about her marriage and I told her things about my personal life...you know, just like regular normal friends would do...

 

So about 2 months ago, I had an interview for a job out of state (5 hours' drive). Right around the same time, she started "peeling back" from me...wouldn't acknowledge me when I saw her at work, acted like she didn't want to talk any more, wouldn't acknowledge me around our common friends on the job OR outside of it... I am pretty astute and noticed what was going on. I'm not sure exactly what, and I ended up getting the job and I'm going to be moving there next week. She wouldn't even make an effort to spend time with me before I left, even though she made a point of telling me she was spending "at least one day" with her other friends from the same job... ouch.

 

I gave her a card last week, that on the front was 2 fish saying "Promise you'll always be my friend", and the other fish says "Promise"..."Cross your heart"...cross my heart, etc. I wrote a message inside that pretty much said I was blessed to have her as my friend and one or two things I learned from her as my friend, and that she'd always have a place to stay. When I gave it to her, I said I'd give it instead of mailing it b/c I don't trust her husband not to do something with it. She took it and just said "Cheapo", and didn't even look at it or say thanks (I wasn't expecting her to) and put it on her desk. I just left. That was last week and I haven't heard antyhing from her.

 

I've talked to 2 friends about this situation, and what to do: one straight and one gay. The straight one says, "She's a wife and mother and doesn't have time for friends. It's not like her to do that; she'd be straight up with you." Well, my response to that is, howcome she has time for her OTHER friends, still? And has time to talk to THEM at work, but not me? And she's DEFINITELY not being straight up with me, because she won't tell me what's going on. My gay friend thinks that she developed feelings for me that she wasn't sure of, that came out in the flirting and the way she interacted with me, then realized who I was (or who she THOUGHT I was) and it scared her so she went on the defense. My friend said, "She has a lot to lose." I'm thinking, A lot to lose--by being friends with me? Nothing's changed! And I definitely wouldn't "try anything" unless she gave EVERY indication that it was OK.

 

I miss talking with her, I miss hanging out with her... I don't know what to do. I'm leaving in 5 days and don't know if I should just drop it and forget about her, or call her and ask her why she did that, or write her a letter after I get settled in my new spot. She, out of ALLLL the people in the world, was the LAST person I'd expect to just dump a friend who's always been there for her. Especially not two grown women. It hurts.

[RavenBanshee]

I'd agree with your gay friend. She has a lot to lose if her feelings towards you keep her head out of her marriage, which sounds to be the case. That is even though you want to remain just friends.

[tygerr94]

so, should i just let it drop? is it even OK to call and say goodbye? or write later? i don't think it's that she doesn't care, i just think it's fear of the unknown.

[RavenBanshee]

No, I would say good bye or whatever you need to. You just may not get the warm response you were so used to having. I hope all your new cjhanges are very positive and new friends will be coming your way.