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Online Friendship Fading Away - Do I Need to Let Go?


Almond_Joy

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Hi everyone,

 

A guy contacted me on line about 9 years ago. He was looking for friends, people who understood him some of his taste and views were unconventional for people in his region, so it was difficult for him to really connect with anybody. We discovered we had a lot of similar views and interests and in a mater of months we were close friends, maybe even best friends. He lives on the other side of the country, so we never could hang out really, but we'd call each other all the time and mail cards and gifts for birthdays and have webcam convos over the years. I trust him unreservedly which is hard for me.

 

After a few years, his living circumstances changed, and he became more outgoing, making more friends locally. Communication became less frequent but the friendship was still strong. Admittedly, when I noticed that he was going out more, I initiated communication a lot less often. I figured I'd be pestering and clingy, and I also figured our friendship was strong enough that we could go a few months without contacting each other.

 

For a few years it was fine. In the last few years though I think something has changed. I think he felt that my lessened contact was malicious and that I did it because I forgot about him or something. I would feel guilty when he called, and one time I was swamped and told him I was too busy to get back to him in a reasonable amount of time but that I would contact him as soon as things got better. It was the truth, but I felt like a jacka** for saying it.

 

About 6 or 8 months after that, he had beloved family members pass away within months of each other. He's family oriented so I know that was hard on him. I sent him love strength and condolences, but I couldn't think of anything else to do to support him from so far away at a time like that, and our friendship hadn't really been vulnerable in that way in a while anyway. He responded to my extent of sympathies, but the response felt clipped. Probably because of the grief.

 

He seems to be recovered now, but honestly I feel like I don't really know this guy anymore. Grief can do strange things to people. He's got friends he's hung out with for years now, that have really been there for him physically and emotionally. I feel like it would be weird for me to try and provide that now, with the friendship the way it is.

 

It's not like we're strangers we still share updates about life and stuff.....but he's a 30 yr old single man, and I'm close to 30 and in a committed relationship. I feel like it's inappropriate for me to try and re-establish a closer relationship with my old friend also, even though my bf would not mind at all.

 

I just trust so few people, so it's hard for me to let go of people that I can talk to about anything in my life. I'm just wondering if I should tell him all of this and see if he wants to become closer friends again, or if I should leave the friendship the way it is? I worry that he doesn't think of me as a close friend anymore....that kind of bothers me. I expect to mean as much to my friends as they do to me. I haven't been a good friend to him over the years, mostly because we're so far away from each other. This is the only long-distance friendship I've had. It's also the longest friendship I've ever had with anyone in my life. I don't want to cling too much to it, but I also don't want it to degenerate if that makes sense.

 

Has anyone been in this situation? What do you think? Look forward to any perspectives.

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"I just trust so few people, so it's hard for me to let go of people that I can talk to about anything in my life" there's plenty people like this, it's not a big thing, it's sensible and an ordinary tendency, maybe you've been too trusting in the past, so for you, the need for discretion when socializing seems remarkable, i think your husband should be your confidante, tbh, if anyone

Edited by darkmoon
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I think you should just let it go... Of course it's rare to have that strong connection/friendship with someone, but you don't want to "force" any kind of relationship with a person, it'll only push them further away. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

 

In the meantime, I think you should get out there and try making new friends. Or at least be open about making new friends. Everyone is shy and it takes time to develop new friendships but you have to make the first step. Good luck :)

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Thank you for your responses.

 

I have a close friend here that I trust unreservedly, so if me and this online friend are never close again I won't be left without someone to connect to on that level. I probably do need to socialize more though so I don't worry so much about my friendships. Maybe it will be easier to be discreet in socializing if I do it more. That's a good way to put it, I've never though about it like that.

 

I'll just leave it. I understand now that if we're meant to be close friends again then that will come about without me forcing it.

 

Thanks again.

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In all honesty, if you feel it's worth salvaging, go for it. I've had a number of internet friends over the past few years, and while I've lost contact with the bulk of them, I did in fact lose the most important ones I've ever had in late '11 over something childish that I couldn't help, predict nor control. And while I was willing to fight for it, I believe she didn't feel the same way that I did, and she told me that I could 'cut her out of my life and she wouldn't care' and this is someone that I held very near and dear on top of it. But like you, she was far away and I couldn't ever meet her face to face although she did want to meet everyone of her internet friends one day. But after that remark, I'd had enough, so I ended it because it wasn't a healthy thing to say. And it sucked on my end. But if you've been friends with someone over the internet for as long as you have, again, fight for it. Good friends, no matter who or where they are, are hard to come by. Good luck :)

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In all honesty, if you feel it's worth salvaging, go for it. I've had a number of internet friends over the past few years, and while I've lost contact with the bulk of them, I did in fact lose the most important ones I've ever had in late '11 over something childish that I couldn't help, predict nor control. And while I was willing to fight for it, I believe she didn't feel the same way that I did, and she told me that I could 'cut her out of my life and she wouldn't care' and this is someone that I held very near and dear on top of it. But like you, she was far away and I couldn't ever meet her face to face although she did want to meet everyone of her internet friends one day. But after that remark, I'd had enough, so I ended it because it wasn't a healthy thing to say. And it sucked on my end. But if you've been friends with someone over the internet for as long as you have, again, fight for it. Good friends, no matter who or where they are, are hard to come by. Good luck :)

 

 

Thank you for sharing your experience. Unless I'm blatantly offensive I don't think my friend would ever essentially tell me to piss of in so many words. But I definitely wanted him to know I care and still consider him a close friend. So I'm just trying to interact with him more frequently online. That way catching up won't seem so awkward.

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Oh, you're welcome. :) But just give him a little time and see where it goes from there. Good luck.

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  • 2 weeks later...
CompleteFailure

If you guys have been really close I would just tell him straight up what you've said here. If he still values your friendship the same way he will communicate his perspective and if not than you will get your answer that way too.

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