How to spot a narcissist friend

[big bear]

Well, I have been on this site quite a lot, usually on the break-up section. I had a devastating break up and I am finally emerging out of it.

 

Since, I was unfaithful and had a lot of guilt and remorse and a alcoholic, this friend of mine helped me through it all.

 

But lately the vibe I get from this friend just makes me a little unsure of his motives.

 

1. He tells me his own secrets + what other's confided in him. If he tells me others secrets because he trusts me, he would be telling mine to those he trusts.

 

2. He keeps on bragging about the girls he has been with. But it's all his word of mouth. This makes me very unsure of the world because as per this guy he has banged almost every chick he has been friends with. I just do not operate that way. I have made my mistakes in judging people before.

 

3. Last year when we were just acquaintances he spun a story out of nowhere about how his brother was calling him, facing problems. Two months later he tells me his brother is an ex-con with whom he has not spoken in past 2 years and says I confide in you the truth.

 

4. I asked him never to go fact finding about my ex. But still he did so and although the truth helped me move on it was still not right to go about it, in my book.

 

5. I de-activated FB, however when I was on FB, it was his constant habit to sift through years of my profile every couple of weeks.

 

6. I was crushing on a girl and he did the same background check without any rhyme or reason.

 

He has helped through an entire year of Break-Up. Helped me move on. Speaks really warmly. Defends me behind my back. But the vibe is just not that.

 

Since, I have given up drinking it makes me a little uneasy as I am more aware of the world now (I don't spend my days in daze anymore).

[GG3]

I'm not really seeing the narcissistic part.

 

Why does he sift through your profile?

[Survivor12]

Nope. None of what you presented is any indication of narcissism. On the contrary, he sounds as if he could be a bit needy, obsessive & immature, but without more (unbiased) information and background, it's not possible to make a fair call.

[ain37]

Hi Big Bear. I am sorry to hear about your breakup, but I am glad that you found someone whom helped you through it.

 

I will address all of your bullet points individually.

 

1) I am a little concerned about this person sharing other peoples secrets with you for the same reason that you are, if he tells you other peoples secrets then the chances are that he will tell other people yours. I had several girlfriends whom did this. I could not tell them anything without them repeating what I had said to everyone else. I avoid these women like the plague.

 

2) Bragging about the girls he has been with is incredibly immature and points to subconscious feelings of inadequacy, which is unhealthy.

 

3) The inconsistencies in his stories point to compulsive lying. Compulsive liars are addicted to lying in the same way that others are addicted to alcohol, drugs, or gambling. Lying makes normal people feel uncomfortable, nervous and guilty...while the compulsive liar feels catharsis and elation. They usually grew up in homes where it was impossible for them to gain approval and thus started lying to impress people out of feelings of inadequacy. Compulsive liars will lie about things large and small. However, unlike sociopaths, they are rarely being manipulative. They are usually nowhere near as clever as a sociopath, so there are usually many inconstancies in their stories or they will say things that just do not make sense.

 

4) Him going fact finding about your ex, despite the fact that you told him not to, tells me that he has no respect for you and that he does not understand boundaries.

 

5) His sifting through your FB profile is just creepy.

 

6) His doing a background check on the woman you like, is wrong on so many levels. I would understand you doing a background check yourself if you had cause to do so.

 

If I met someone whom behaved like this, I would delete them from my life. That is just way too much drama for me. I don't think you should enable his behavior.

 

This guy does not seem narcissistic. A narcissist would never look up information about your ex-girlfriend or do a background check on the woman you like because they are way too self-absorbed and insensitive to care about others. He seems to suffer from some type of Attachment or Adjustment Disorder at the very least (like Codependency), maybe a Personality Disorder such as Borderline since he seems to be a little all over the place and Borderlines tend to lie compulsively. I knew a few people whom behaved exactly like this and it turned out that they were all severely Bipolar with Borderline tendencies. I am no longer speaking with any of them and I suggest you do the same in this situation before this guy turns on you like my Bipolar / Borderline friends did me.

Edited March 19, 2013 by ain37

[big bear]

Hi Big Bear. I am sorry to hear about your breakup, but I am glad that you found someone whom helped you through it.

 

I will address all of your bullet points individually.

 

1) I am a little concerned about this person sharing other peoples secrets with you for the same reason that you are, if he tells you other peoples secrets then the chances are that he will tell other people yours. I had several girlfriends whom did this. I could not tell them anything without them repeating what I had said to everyone else. I avoid these women like the plague. No more secrets from me going to him

 

2) Bragging about the girls he has been with is incredibly immature and points to subconscious feelings of inadequacy, which is unhealthy.

 

3) The inconsistencies in his stories point to compulsive lying. Compulsive liars are addicted to lying in the same way that others are addicted to alcohol, drugs, or gambling. Lying makes normal people feel uncomfortable, nervous and guilty...while the compulsive liar feels catharsis and elation. They usually grew up in homes where it was impossible for them to gain approval and thus started lying to impress people out of feelings of inadequacy. Compulsive liars will lie about things large and small. However, unlike sociopaths, they are rarely being manipulative. They are usually nowhere near as clever as a sociopath, so there are usually many inconstancies in their stories or they will say things that just do not make sense. Well, how do you differentiate between a sociopath and a compulsive liar?

 

4) Him going fact finding about your ex, despite the fact that you told him not to, tells me that he has no respect for you and that he does not understand boundaries. I agree

 

5) His sifting through your FB profile is just creepy. Freaked me out. I deactivated FB.

 

6) His doing a background check on the woman you like, is wrong on so many levels. I would understand you doing a background check yourself if you had cause to do so. I didn't even like her that much, just a small time crush. I am nowhere near asking anyone out still. It just irritated me too much. Checking on every one I say something about.

 

If I met someone whom behaved like this, I would delete them from my life. That is just way too much drama for me. I don't think you should enable his behavior.

 

This guy does not seem narcissistic. A narcissist would never look up information about your ex-girlfriend or do a background check on the woman you like because they are way too self-absorbed and insensitive to care about others. He seems to suffer from some type of Attachment or Adjustment Disorder at the very least (like Codependency), maybe a Personality Disorder such as Borderline since he seems to be a little all over the place and Borderlines tend to lie compulsively. I knew a few people whom behaved exactly like this and it turned out that they were all severely Bipolar with Borderline tendencies. I am no longer speaking with any of them and I suggest you do the same in this situation before this guy turns on you like my Bipolar / Borderline friends did me.

 

I really appreciate you insight.