Socially Awkward.

[LovelyMama]

I have always been a little socially awkward since about the fifth grade when I moved to a new town, and started a new school. (I am 21 now, and still dealing with the issue.)

it was just before my tenth birthday, and my mom who was pregnant at the time, and myself were living with a family member for a while after losing our home because my mom, being pregnant, could not carry on working her three jobs. It started there. I felt very unwanted by my step-grandmother, and her son. After a short while of unhappiness, she had her son come out in the main room, and say to me "My mom says you're a b*tch." then go back to his mother and proceed to tell her I had hit him with a drum stick (which I did not do. The boy is severely fetal alochol, and is almost completely blind.)

so we moved. Again.

This time, we were temporarily staying in a shelter in a small town. I was terrified my first day of school. But that subsided for about a week, and some of the girls in my class started being nice to me.

But only for that week...

 

I decided that in grade five, I wasn't into dating like the other girls. I didn't wear skin right clothes, or expensive ones. And I was absolutely NOT judgemental to anyone who wanted to play with me at recess.

I made friends with a girl who was a little "slow" mentally, and The other girls, and boys began to bully me.

Constantly.

The bullying never stopped.

My e-mail accounts were hacked, and rude messages were put on display as if I had put them there myself. Through all of public school after that, I had not one friend. And everytime I made one, the kids would tell them something to make them stop being nice to me.

The boys would ask me out to see if the rumours of me being easy were true, and they'd dump me within a maximum of two weeks after discovering that I was absolutely not. I was a virgin.

Through grades 5-8, My grades began slipping, as did my attendance. It got to the point where I had missed so much, I was not allowed to go on class trips like the other students. Which I never minded, because I could go to school in peace for a day.

By grade 9, I was a drop out. Still being bullied, and mor than ever because the girls were so much larger than me (I was 5'4 and 100 pounds soaking wet) I did try to go back the next year. I tried alternative programs aswell, where I was demanded sexual favours in return that this 20 year old would have his sisters stop beating on me. I rejected his offer, and quit all together.

I have made attempts to get an education since then. I moved back to my hometown at 16, by myself. I finally passed grade 9 that year, but made it through on sheer luck that people liked me because I was "pretty."

that scared me even more. I had never been approached by a boy so he could tell me he thinks Im gorgeous. And the day that finally happened, I hid from him. Running away if I saw him in the same hall way, having my cigarette breaks on the other side of the school where I would be alone. It eventually ended up with me not showing up for classes until the halls were clear, and I was late.

For the most part, I avoided all conversations.

I would eat my lunches in the bathroom stalls, and I was completely content with that.

I had finally made a friend with a boy named Tommy. He was the beat friend I could have asked for at this point in my life. Until I decided to take our friendship, to a relationship. It was good for three months, out of two years. Then he started being physically abusive. But that's a different story.

When Tommy and I woud go places, I would sit quietly in the corner, and watch him, and his friends talk, smoke, and have a good time. I was dragged along merely because he didn't trust me. Not because he had any interest in helping me make friends.

If I spoke to a guy, I was flirting, or cheating.

If I tried to have time with a girl, and talk. I was cheating. (because I am bisexual.) I did neither while with him. He was my first.

He even accused me of having a sexual attraction to his mother because she was the only one I would talk to. She's the same age as my mother. Gross.

After breaking up with him, I ended up in a youth shelter.

Where he would harass me. Bring me my belongings shredded, urinated on, vulgar things written on old photos of us. He even tried to have me kicked out of the shelter by putting drug paraphinalia in the bag of clothes he'd destroyed. That attempt failed. I became more, and more withdrawn from people during my stay at the shelter. The other girls were rude to me. Calling me stuck up, and prissy because unlike the rest of the raging adolensent hormones in the house, I was not eagar to flirt, or connect with a boy from the household. I wasn't eagar to meet anyone. I just wanted to be left alone with the one CD I salvaged from all of the things my ex had destroyed.

I ended up moving back to the town where the bullying began because Tommy would not leave me alone. He stalked me where ever I went. Would give me poetry books of his "feelings" where he would cut his wrists and wipe the blood on the pages.

That lasted 4 months. Then I was back in the city where Tommy was again. But this time, not alone.

I had gone back to my mom's like a child. And I am still there to this day, and second. Spending my days in my room either by myself, or with my current boyfriend, who is practically my only friend.

I can't seem to want to engage in making friends, or becoming social, and Im sure that it has a lot to do with the things Ive been through. (I left the details of the beat downs, harsh name calling, being locked in school lockers, rascim, and rape.) I want to be able to be a social person. And Im so lucky to have a boyfriend that understands why I say no when he asks me to accompany him to sit with his friends.

Even a doctor, can make me uncomfortable and refuse to go see them again by just making a statement.

As weak as I seem, I am a boxer. But never have I used my fists to defend myself when attacked. For a while, I had so much anger built up I couldn't help being violent towards people who hurt the few I did manage to make friends with, despite my awkwardness.

I know this has probably been a long, boring read, but I really need to find someone whose had similar issues, or still struggles with them, as I do. And that would be difficult if I left out too much.

 

(Tommy's name is not actually that, just used it to tell the story.)

I'm sure some of you may not think I have issues by reading this. But I do. I have been told that I am strong, and can overcome this. But I can't seem to fit in anywhere. Or get a job. Or even attend a program without feeling like I am being judged, and looked down on by everyone around me.

Someone just please tell me Im not alone, and mean it..

[green_tea]

I know this has probably been a long, boring read, but I really need to find someone whose had similar issues, or still struggles with them, as I do. And that would be difficult if I left out too much.

 

(Tommy's name is not actually that, just used it to tell the story.)

I'm sure some of you may not think I have issues by reading this. But I do. I have been told that I am strong, and can overcome this. But I can't seem to fit in anywhere. Or get a job. Or even attend a program without feeling like I am being judged, and looked down on by everyone around me.

Someone just please tell me Im not alone, and mean it..

 

Your post wasn't a boring read at all...I opened up your thread as I've been feeling a little socially awkward myself at a new job, but my situation is not like yours (except for one year of bullying at school, and it wasn't all that bad). I wish I could help, as your story was so sad to read. You have been very strong, and the only advice I can offer is to not feel like people are looking down on you. You are not inferior to anyone, and the way you've handled such a hard life is to be admired. Most people do not have to go through the things that you have.

[Celtica]

From my life-experience:

 

Social awkwardness comes from not knowing boundaries, whether settings them or pushing them (both go hand in hand though). This is what I've observed looking at those who are more "awkward" than others (myself included in the past).

 

You are at an age however, where your brain is ultra-ripe for neuro-plasticity, meaning you can change the way your brain literally wires itself and change yourself into a very strong woman. So if you start practicing being aware of social boundaries that are being crossed, stop putting yourself in vulnerable positions, surround yourself with strong-minded friends (by weeding out the bad ones via boundary-setting), and mentally prepare yourself with each human encounter to stop boundaries from being crossed, life will be much easier (it's only as complicated as we choose to make it, honest).

 

Funny enough, one of the first boundaries we should set is within ourselves. We are the first people to cross boundaries (with ourselves), from calling ourselves names, or having a self-image of weakness. How do I think we can change that? It starts with posture. Standing straight tells yourself and others that you are nothing to contend with and you are strong-minded and happy.

 

I suggest that you write down a list of times where boundaries were crossed and mentally visualize yourself having prevented those boundaries from being crossed, and imagine a group of supportive, equally strong friends supporting you and you them. This is friendship. We need good people who have the courage to fight the bad, in order to make environments safe and peaceful. And it starts with us!

 

On a side note, with all that you had went through, cognitive therapy could potentially be beneficial if you have the possibility. None of us are professionals here, we are only those talking through experience.

 

You aren't alone!

Edited April 12, 2013 by Celtica

[luv2b3fun]

Oh hun, you have 99 problems and being alone isn't one.

 

You need to realize everyday you wake up you are blessed, and what happened yesterday doesn't define who you are today, right now, this second. You are living in the past, and it isn't helping your future. That's why you believe you are socially awkward.

 

Everyone is socially awkward, just some know how to hide it better than others. But that shouldn't be your concern.

 

You need to wake up each day attempting to be the best YOU that you can BE. Don't worry about judgments, or criticisms from others. Gain some confidence, learn to love yourself. I posted this link in another thread...but you need it too. Listen to "the Power" by Rhonda Byrne and get your head right.