Left so disappointed with 18-year old friendship.

[mickleb]

Hi everyone.

 

I'm sort of gob-smacked right now. My friend (male but extremely platonic - he's always been celibate) and I went on a mini-break together, just for two days. The first day was great, all went well but, during the night, I got very ill. I had food poisoning a couple of weeks ago and (although I'm sure it wasn't food poisoning again) my stomach was really upset. Basically, I ended up :sick:ing all night and barely slept.

 

I thought my friend was acting weirdly toward me, given the situation. He went from being quite dismissive of it, to claiming we should pay £120 each to get earlier tickets home, as 'the holiday is over now'. I suggested I find a cafe near the station, where I could sit down and sip at some water (with a loo nearby :/) and he go off on his own. We could meet up an hour before our train left. (I was completely happy for him to do this.) But he said we should just sit in the station (for 6 hours) until our train left and wouldn't stop moaning about the situation!

 

We ended up having a row and he did go off for the day, but when we met up, he was clearly still p*ssed off with me.

 

I should've gone straight home when we got back to the UK but things seemed a little better. We had talked things through near the end of the journey. I stayed at his (normal behaviour) another night but realised he was still really off with me (being snarky and dismissive, etc). I confronted him about it and he basically said that he was never going to go on holiday with me again and that he didn't think I had been very ill at all! We talked about this but he didn't change his mind, so I decided to leave. By the time I was going, I couldn't stop myself from crying. I left and he came after me but only to, basically, tell me he thought I was out of order for leaving in tears, and making him feel bad, when he had done nothing wrong!

 

We were flatmates for 10 years and have been like unrelated siblings (I suppose) for the last 18 years. Even though we're quite different people, we have managed to get along pretty well for most of this time, although we have had a couple of big rows like this one.

 

There are little details that I have excluded from here in an attempt to make this less of a thesis - and I'm happy to answer any questions - but I just can't believe he's being such an as*hole! I know it was his holiday too but he was so insensitive and is so indignant that his behaviour was fine, that I am seriously questioning whether just to accept the fact that he is not the friend I thought he was, and that I might be better off without him in my life.

 

Sorry this is so long and thank you for reading. I'd appreciate it if you'd let me know what you think.

Edited February 24, 2013 by mickleb

[green_tea]

Your friend sounds extremely self centred, and you say you've had fights before, so I don't see why you won't have more in future - is that something that is ok with you? The friend doesn't think there was anything wrong with his behaviour, so it's unlikely he will change.

 

If it was me in this situation, 18 years or not I'd end the friendship. In fact I have ended a friendship that was as long, so it is something I can relate to. I don't keep people in my life that make me feel bad, unless it is family - as they say you can't choose family, but friends are easily disposable to me - may sound harsh, but I don't see the point in keeping bad friends.

[todreaminblue]

i am a turn the other cheek friend, i think friendships are relationships that you should be loyal to especially long standing ones doesnt mean that you dont stand up for yourself and say what you expect if they sulk let them, sulk.......people have bad days bad months bad years, if you look at the reason why your friend was behaving this way did you ask him what was wrong, try to talk to him at all about why he was treating you that way....is there something going on his life at the moment that is possibly hard to deal with....true friends are there through the horrible and the good......i know he wasnt there for you when you feel sick and he made you feel worse, maybe there was something going on with him that made him feel bad, and instead of sickness it comes out as anger ......a lot of men are like this they get down on themselves when they dont know how to deal with a situation they feel they ought to be stronger....maybe his feelings for you are not so platonic is another possibility....who knows.....only you will when you ask him what si wrong adn why he felt the need to be angry with you over a situation you could not help ie your sickness....deb

[gaius]

I'd be angry at and passive aggressive with a woman I knew for 18 years who never slept with me too. grrrrrr! :mad::mad::mad:

[mickleb]

Your friend sounds extremely self centred, and you say you've had fights before, so I don't see why you won't have more in future - is that something that is ok with you? The friend doesn't think there was anything wrong with his behaviour, so it's unlikely he will change.

 

If it was me in this situation, 18 years or not I'd end the friendship. In fact I have ended a friendship that was as long, so it is something I can relate to. I don't keep people in my life that make me feel bad, unless it is family - as they say you can't choose family, but friends are easily disposable to me - may sound harsh, but I don't see the point in keeping bad friends.

 

Hi gt. Thanks for responding.

 

This friend can be self-centred but has been incredibly kind to me over the years. He is usually the one I can rely on if things are really bad but, obviously, I can't always rely on him. He was amazing when my dog died, for example. Like I say - we're like siblings. Siblings fight sometimes. But we're not related, so there is the option of cutting him out of my life if I think that's the right thing to do.

 

A week after the event, I'm still not sure. He emailed me a picture of some cute dogs during the week. It's the sort of thing he'd do on any given day. I ignored it. We haven't spoken since I left his house.

 

He can be a bit Asperger's sometimes. He's never been diagnosed with anything, but I've worked with autistic people a lot and lived with him for 10 years, so have observed enough to know that he can be odd. He has OCD which he usually manages well but perhaps that contributed to his spin-out? For those wondering about the platonic nature of our relationship - don't bother. He is a 44 yo virgin. He's 'in love' with his (proper) lesbian friend. She knows this. She is his focus in life, although she has no sexual interest in him, whatsoever. He's basically asexual. Finds the idea of sex 'icky'. (I mentioned he was odd, didn't I?)

 

He needs to understand he was out of order, though. I can't even be bothered with him unless he can reach that point by himself.

 

Thanks for your POV.

[mickleb]

i am a turn the other cheek friend, i think friendships are relationships that you should be loyal to especially long standing ones doesnt mean that you dont stand up for yourself and say what you expect if they sulk let them, sulk.......people have bad days bad months bad years, if you look at the reason why your friend was behaving this way did you ask him what was wrong, try to talk to him at all about why he was treating you that way....is there something going on his life at the moment that is possibly hard to deal with....true friends are there through the horrible and the good......i know he wasnt there for you when you feel sick and he made you feel worse, maybe there was something going on with him that made him feel bad, and instead of sickness it comes out as anger ......a lot of men are like this they get down on themselves when they dont know how to deal with a situation they feel they ought to be stronger....maybe his feelings for you are not so platonic is another possibility....who knows.....only you will when you ask him what si wrong adn why he felt the need to be angry with you over a situation you could not help ie your sickness....deb

 

Hi tdib

 

Thanks for your words.

 

I know what you're saying, and I'm usually like this. I think the thing is, I feel like I've turned the other cheek too many times.

 

I definitely did try talking to him about what was going on. I was really patient with him when we were on holiday and he was dragging me around sights then saying we needed to leave immediately. I was trying to suggest places he could go by himself, and showed him how to get there. We rowed but near the end of the journey home, I managed to get him talking and he explained he'd had a nice day, after all.

 

When we were at his and he carried on being funny, I asked him what was up and he claimed 'nothing' and then, before I left, I had a good half hour talk with him about his behaviour and asked if he was still unhappy about the holiday. That was when he said he never wanted to go on holiday with me again. I remained very calm and we both explained our side of things. I cracked when I was leaving because he was so cold about everything. Then he followed me to my car and we had a further 10 mins trying to talk things through again. But he was absolutely adamant that he had done nothing wrong.

 

His emailing me in the week suggests that he hasn't taken anything I've said to him seriously. Just like he didn't take the fact that I was ill seriously.

 

I don't want to chuck 18 years of friendship away but I can't be his friend if he thinks I'm childish, selfish and devious enough to lie about being really sick whilst we're on holiday! What can he think of me if he believes I'd do that?!

 

He is weird but he has many good qualities. The trouble is, I have looked past the weirdness so many times, and sometimes it's just not worth it!

 

I think he might gather that I really meant what I said by my actions - i.e. my silence. After our recent attempts at communication, I feel like whatever I say will be thrown in my face, so I've got nothing left to say to him right now. I'll see if he is capable of grasping that he did f*ck up and talking properly to me about it before I offer any further olive branches.

 

With regards to what might be happening in his life at the moment, I think he may be heading towards some kind of mid-life crisis. His job has been uncertain for a while (but it has been like that for about a year, now). I've tried talking with him about this but he's got upset with me about it, so I don't mention it unless he does, now. More importantly, I've noticed his memory is much worse than it used to be. He's always liked his whisky and I think the physical effects of that are beginning to really catch up with him.

 

Hmmmn. I'm not painting a great picture of this person! He has many commendable qualities but, I think, the main problem is that I'm the person he feels he can 'be his true self with' - i.e. I get the sh*t side of him more than anyone else in his life. He needs to know that we're close but not close enough that he can behave like that around me!

 

Again, thanks for your POV.

[mickleb]

I'd be angry at and passive aggressive with a woman I knew for 18 years who never slept with me too. grrrrrr! :mad::mad::mad:

 

No - he really is celibate! Some people are classified as asexual, and he fits the description. To illustrate just how avoidant of bodily fluids he is, I'll explain: this is a man who refuses to blow his nose!

 

I suspect his Asperger's/OCD inability to function as a 'normal' human being came into play last week but I'm not his careworker, so he'll just have to figure out the fact that he's been a d*ck by himself. I simply don't have any interest in talking to him, at the moment.

 

Thanks for responding, though, g.

[whichwayisup]

Your friend has social issues, I guess? Anyway, 18 years is a lot of history and friendship to just throw away without talking and sorting stuff out. Give it time and write a letter to him. Get together and ask him to read the letter, (somehow reading words can click more, plus you can really explain stuff better in detail if need be) sit and let him read, then talk about it.

 

but, if you are ready to throw the friendship away and you don't think he's worth it, tell him. Don't ignore him. He may know on some level he did over react and mess up, which is why he's being gentle and sending you cutsie emails. This is his way of saying I"m sorry.

 

Friends aren't family, and yes, many friends can be there for you but not all the time. It's too much to hope and expect another person to be there for you 24/7. He isn't obligated to you and you're not to him.

 

Anyway I do hope you think this through before ending it with him. You say he's selfish and also has Asperger's/OCD , so yeah, he probably couldn't handle you being sick, maybe it gave him anxiety or set him off..Stuff out of his control and he handled it badly. You know him well, so you know best. Just hope this is fixable and you two can work it out and forgive one another. Be a shame to throw away..

[hppr]

You want really bad a friend whom I've known for 22 years didn't let me be a best man at his wedding, he had his brother and then a bunch of random guys from his work do it. Also he told me the wedding was a western theme and there were plenty of drinks there so I came dressed up in this goofy costume + bottles of good wine/champagne thinking it was a party only to discover that it was a 'dry' wedding, no booze, and no theme.

 

He shook my hand, said thanks for coming, gave me a hug and that was it.

 

No idea what happened there since we were going out, partying, I arranged his bachelor party for him, etc.

 

Haven't heard from him since and that was 4 years' ago, I try calling/emailing every now and then and don't get a response.

 

edit: as for the OP...your friend is either mad about something but doesn't want to admit it or he's just an Asperger type who doesn't realize what he is doing is hurting your feelings

Edited March 2, 2013 by hppr

[mickleb]

Your friend has social issues, I guess? Anyway, 18 years is a lot of history and friendship to just throw away without talking and sorting stuff out. Give it time and write a letter to him. Get together and ask him to read the letter, (somehow reading words can click more, plus you can really explain stuff better in detail if need be) sit and let him read, then talk about it.

 

but, if you are ready to throw the friendship away and you don't think he's worth it, tell him. Don't ignore him. He may know on some level he did over react and mess up, which is why he's being gentle and sending you cutsie emails. This is his way of saying I"m sorry.

 

Friends aren't family, and yes, many friends can be there for you but not all the time. It's too much to hope and expect another person to be there for you 24/7. He isn't obligated to you and you're not to him.

 

Anyway I do hope you think this through before ending it with him. You say he's selfish and also has Asperger's/OCD , so yeah, he probably couldn't handle you being sick, maybe it gave him anxiety or set him off..Stuff out of his control and he handled it badly. You know him well, so you know best. Just hope this is fixable and you two can work it out and forgive one another. Be a shame to throw away..

 

Thanks for your response, wwiu.

 

I haven't spoken to my friend since. I imagine I will at some point but I just have no will to do so, at the moment. He hasn't made any further attempt to communicate with me, either.

 

He does have some social issues but what irks me is that I'm pretty much the only one who has to deal with them! For everyone else, he makes a huge effort to be really accommodating and charming! I'm normally pretty understanding of his (and others) quirks but this has really bothered me.

 

I also think that he would dismiss any further attempts I make to discuss this sensibly, at the moment. Sometimes, with him, actions are more easily understood than words. I imagine this won't be the end of the friendship. It's my birthday next month, and I expect he'll get in contact for it. We'll see.

 

Thanks anyway - your words certainly got me thinking.

[mickleb]

You want really bad a friend whom I've known for 22 years didn't let me be a best man at his wedding, he had his brother and then a bunch of random guys from his work do it. Also he told me the wedding was a western theme and there were plenty of drinks there so I came dressed up in this goofy costume + bottles of good wine/champagne thinking it was a party only to discover that it was a 'dry' wedding, no booze, and no theme.

 

He shook my hand, said thanks for coming, gave me a hug and that was it.

 

No idea what happened there since we were going out, partying, I arranged his bachelor party for him, etc.

 

Haven't heard from him since and that was 4 years' ago, I try calling/emailing every now and then and don't get a response.

 

edit: as for the OP...your friend is either mad about something but doesn't want to admit it or he's just an Asperger type who doesn't realize what he is doing is hurting your feelings

 

That sounds crazy, hppr. Have you started a thread about it?

 

I always been prone to headaches and have to take medication daily to avoid them. Perhaps he's just bored of me being unwell, sometimes and lost his rag about it, for some reason? It's possible but it's still unacceptable, IMO.

 

I will talk to him about it again, one day, but I'm still to annoyed to do so!

 

Thanks for answering.

[hppr]

I haven't started a thread on it, don't care too, it was definitely strange though. The only thing I can think is that he wants to invent a new version of himself, he was always embarrassed about where he came from.