Lost my best friend because of his religion :(

[Sweeetie]

I'm a 23-yr old female. I did my Masters degree at University with a Muslim guy who I grew very close to: just as friends. He is from Afghanistan and has been living here in London since he was 13, he is 23 now. He's always been very religious. There was nothing romantic between us; just a very strong friendship (I got a boyfriend during that time anyway). We were like brother and sister. He was always there for me when I needed help and we understood each other very well; we had a connection that was very deep. He also did things for me that most other people don't do (including my ex!), and he always brightened up my day. He is the most amazing guy I have ever met and he means a great deal to me.

 

Our Masters course finished in September, it lasted one year, but this friend and I stayed in touch. I invited him to my birthday dinner in October and that was the last time I saw him. About two months ago, in mid-December, I noticed that he stopped replying to my texts and Facebook messages. This carried on for weeks and I tried calling him several times and sending him emails via his Outlook account (I knew only that email address of his). He hadn't even been on Facebook since mid-December, I saw last week when I checked. I also checked his Youtube account and saw that he had been inactive on that for 2 months too.

 

First one month passed and that made me start worrying, and as it was approaching 2 months I was growing very worried indeed. I thought that something had happened to him. I didn't know his home address but I knew what town he lived in, so I was thinking of going to this town and finding out where he lives to know if he was OK. Another friend who was in our Masters class lived in the same town as him and I asked her if she knew his home address but she didn't; she did know his Hotmail address though. She tried emailing him due to my worries to check if he was OK and he replied to her so I was very relieved, and I then emailed him on this address too.

 

I emailed him saying I had been very worried about him and asked him if everything was OK, asked him what he was doing now. He replied the next day which was today. His tone was very distant and the email was short. He was telling me about what he's doing in terms of work currently and said that he'd forgotten the passwords of his Facebook account and other email account and that he sometimes forgets to text back, hence the lack of replies.

 

At the end of this short email to me, he said that since the month of Muharram, which is a month in the Islam calendar (finishes around mid-December) and which is a month of mourning for Shia Muslims where they remember a catastrophe that their ancestors faced, he had got "much more religious" and has now "started to be more restrictive on how and how often" he talks to girls. He finished with "I hope you understand. Take care."

 

This has made me very upset since this person is the most amazing friend I have ever had, he is very very dear to me. I haven't replied to that email he sent yet because I am trying to think of the best thing that I can say back. Is there any hope that I will get his friendship back? I am thinking that after a few months he might revert back into his old self. I really do hope so.

 

I'd really appreciate advice from members on this site on what to say/do in this situation, how to increase the likelihood of getting this man's friendship back.

 

Thanks

Edited February 13, 2013 by Sweeetie

[pteromom]

He has made a choice, and obviously values his decision not to talk to you more than he values your friendship. He obviously doesn't have the same strong feelings about your friendship that you do.

 

It sucks, and I'm sorry.

 

Who knows if he'll change his mind or not. You have no control over that.

 

You can, however, lay all your feelings on the line when you respond to him. Tell him how important his friendship is to you and that you miss him and that you hope he can find a way to be OK with having you in his life.

 

But otherwise - it's not something you really have any say in.

[Sweeetie]

He has made a choice, and obviously values his decision not to talk to you more than he values your friendship. He obviously doesn't have the same strong feelings about your friendship that you do.

 

 

Yes to the first part and no to the second. This is where his dedication to his religion shows itself to the full. In all the time that I have known him I have seen him quench desires for various things for the sake of his religion because he says that religion is his life; it is the most important element of his life and it is what he lives for. It presides over any personal wishes that he has. Sometimes I've even said I admire his discipline and he said "I don't have a choice. I have to be like that."

Edited February 13, 2013 by Sweeetie

[Angie30]

Hi,

 

I'm a Muslim and Afghan, but I'm not religious. I'm wondering if your friend has feelings for you, or if he really is becoming more religious and would rather stay away from the opposite sex.

 

If it's the latter, then all I can say is you must deal with the loss of a friend. In our religion you can only be around the opposite sex if you're in groups, never alone, because that's how temptations arise.

 

If you guys are as close as you say....then I really think he likes you as more than just a friend.

[pteromom]

Yes to the first part and no to the second. This is where his dedication to his religion shows itself to the full. In all the time that I have known him I have seen him quench desires for various things for the sake of his religion because he says that religion is his life; it is the most important element of his life and it is what he lives for. It presides over any personal wishes that he has. Sometimes I've even said I admire his discipline and he said "I don't have a choice. I have to be like that."

 

I defer to you because you know him. I hope he decides that your friendship is worth redefining his "rules".

[pteromom]

Hi,

 

I'm a Muslim and Afghan, but I'm not religious. I'm wondering if your friend has feelings for you, or if he really is becoming more religious and would rather stay away from the opposite sex.

 

If it's the latter, then all I can say is you must deal with the loss of a friend. In our religion you can only be around the opposite sex if you're in groups, never alone, because that's how temptations arise.

 

If you guys are as close as you say....then I really think he likes you as more than just a friend.

 

This is a very good point. He may not want to get involved with a non-Muslim woman, so he is just distancing himself from her because it is painful for him.

[venusianx13]

Hi,

 

I'm a Muslim and Afghan, but I'm not religious. I'm wondering if your friend has feelings for you, or if he really is becoming more religious and would rather stay away from the opposite sex.

 

If it's the latter, then all I can say is you must deal with the loss of a friend. In our religion you can only be around the opposite sex if you're in groups, never alone, because that's how temptations arise.

 

If you guys are as close as you say....then I really think he likes you as more than just a friend.

 

Your post screamed to me of this. I don't know ANY guys who will go out of their way for a girl they don't have feelings for. I'd venture to say that the religion alone is what kept him from making a move in the first place. It doesn't make it any less painful, I'm sure, but perhaps the only thing you can do is wait until this month of mourning is over for him, and then send him something more letting him know that he's dear to you. If that is not well received, then it truly is out of your control at that point.

[Sweeetie]

...but perhaps the only thing you can do is wait until this month of mourning is over for him, and then send him something more letting him know that he's dear to you. If that is not well received, then it truly is out of your control at that point.

 

The problem is that this sacred month of mourning finished in mid-December, it has long been over. I've known him since September 2011 so I saw him go through the previous round of it in December 2011. He normally goes into a shell during this time and he warns his friends about it before, but he normally goes 'back to normal' after it finishes. This time however, even after it finished it made him start acting like this towards me suddenly. It was so out of character for him to ignore all my texts, calls and messages for 2 months after it finished and that's why I was certain that something had happened to him!

It hasn't been that long since that sacred month ended, and this is why I'm hoping it's just the inertia of that which is making him be like this for now and that later as the months pass he will start talking to me again.

Edited February 14, 2013 by Sweeetie