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Does anyone else find this offensive?

Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 11th November 2012, 1:55 PM   #1
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Unhappy Does anyone else find this offensive?

This post has some content that might be inappropriate for younger readers. If you're under the age of 18, please don't read this.

Let's call these two people Jack and Jill.

Here's a little back story.

I had these two mutual best friends, Jack and Jill. Jill fancied Jack, but Jill was married. Jack had been single and celibate for almost 15 years, by choice. He was very picky. Jack was a very attractive and personable man. He and I used to be into each other way back when we first met, but nothing ever happened out of what we mistook back then for our love and respect for Jill. I have now come to realize that nothing happened between us because we were afraid of how Jill would retaliate against us; because that was the kind of person she was. Jill was a very controlling, cruel, immature, selfish and volatile bully. I'm sure if Jack and I had really truly liked each other rather than just being physically attracted to one another, that we might have pursued something...but we really only desired one another sexually and that was it, nothing worth losing our best friend over.

I ended up meeting my twin flame and got married. Jill says she settled for the guy she married since Jack was the one she really fancied. But honestly, she treated Jack very cruelly. She only ever took advantage of his kindness.

Jack's birthday was in September. Jill callously gave him a rubber vagina as a birthday present. Jack and I were both deeply offended by this. Jill seemed to think that giving Jack such a gift was so funny. She couldn't stop laughing. I felt so bad for Jack when Jill did that. I saw the look on his face. It was like a slap in the face. Clearly, Jill harbors a lot of bitterness towards Jack for not taking an interest in her. Then she went around bragging to everyone about this whole entire thing. Jack and Jill started fighting and I was stuck in the middle. They both cut each other off. I told Jill that I still wanted to be friends with Jack and she said that was fine. I was very specific and asked, "I just want to make sure that you don't mind if I still speak with Jack? Do you mind?" She said that she didn't mind. So, Jack and I kept chatting and met up once for lunch. I told Jill that I was still speaking with Jack. She completely turned on me. She started screaming at me and calling me an abandoner, betrayer, deserter, traitor and accused me of treason! Really!? Treason!? Then she screamed at me that Jack never liked me and just put up with me since I was always around her...which is so far from the truth since I've only actually seen them four times this past year. She screamed that he always said nasty things about me behind me back. Then she called Jack and went off on him. I contacted Jack and asked him if any of what Jill said was true and he never responded. We all had to cut each other off.

Does anyone else find Jill giving Jack a rubber vagina for his birthday offensive?

Last edited by freeradical; 11th November 2012 at 1:59 PM..
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Old 11th November 2012, 2:05 PM   #2
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The rubber vagina isnt offensive since thats jills personality. What is offensive is that you are friends with such a woman that turns on you so quickly. Jack and jill both did the right thing by cutting each other off when the friendship isnt working. Why arent you doing that?
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Old 11th November 2012, 3:49 PM   #3
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I also want to mention that mine and Jill's husbands were also deeply offended by what Jill did, especially since her motivation was to poke fun at Jack's celibacy. My husband has not had one nice thing to say about Jill since then.

And I am no longer speaking with Jack or Jill, nor any of their acquaintances.
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Old 11th November 2012, 4:41 PM   #4
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It was in poor taste. I think jokes like that only work if the person giving the gift has a certain amount of closeness to the other person, like if they have an inside joke or if you know the person well enough to know they would find it funny. For example when I was younger it was normal for the girls in my circle to give each other "grow a boyfriend" kits, which made the gift-receiver actually laugh. Given the background Jill has with Jack, it's pretty clear that her gift was meanspirited.

It sounds like much of what Jill said to you was out of jealousy and anger. It doesn't matter that much if it's true or not; the fact that she would say such things speaks volumes of the type of person she is. She's trying to break up your friendship with Jack.
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Old 11th November 2012, 5:09 PM   #5
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I agree with you Spiral.

Although, my reasons for cutting Jack off were due to more than just what happened with Jill.

He disrespected my marriage by coming on to me once neither us were speaking to Jill anymore. He referred to Jill as "The Warden" and "The Fun Police" and said that he had never made a move before because "The Warden" and "The Fun Police" was always around. It really upset me that after 13 years of friendship with Jack that it ended because he tried to grab my behind and snog me. It really pissed my husband off. I just can't believe that Jack disrespected me, my husband and our marriage like that. I trusted him. And I stopped talking to him for that reason more than because he wouldn't tell me whether something he said / she said was true.

I felt like after 13 years of friendship that I really had no idea whom Jack and Jill really were.
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Old 13th November 2012, 8:58 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by freeradical View Post
I felt like after 13 years of friendship that I really had no idea whom Jack and Jill really were.
We all have facets to us that we hold back from others; friends, relatives, family, partners. You have facets to you that you keep from your husband. It is all part of the compromise/co-operation/negotiation. The closer you can get to the point where you hold nothing back is supposedly being closer to Nirvana. Who knows really?

The reality is that isn't the holding back on some of this stuff that is the 'crime', it is NOT holding back on it when it is totally appropriate and right, just as your friend Jack didn't. If he hadn't done what he did with you, you would have been none the wiser, but he would still have been the same person. But he didn't and you are both where you are as a consequence. Sometimes, depending on the circumstances and the people involved, these sort of 'mistakes' can and are forgiven and sometimes they cannot and are not.

That's life.
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