When a longstanding friendship ends..

[sb129]

I'm struggling to deal with a few issues with a longterm friendship.

 

Its a very very long story, but basically I had a small group of friends and we had been friends for a very long time. Some of the friendships in the circle were closer than others, but generally everyone got on well.

 

Then one of the friends got sick and died.

She and I were once quite close, but after she got sick, she closed her inner circle down, and I wasn't part of it- although the other two friends were.

 

I found it really really hard- I was grieving and dealing with rejection.

And I was heartbroken for a friend who lost her life far too soon. I also had a few things going on in my own personal life.

 

I also felt a little betrayed and jealous of one of the other friends who ended up caught in the middle a bit.

That friend didn't handle things so well IMO, and it led to resentment from me towards her which after one thing and another ended up with us having a couple of fights and we now aren't really in contact.

 

Finally, the fourth friend has made it clear whose side she is on (not mine) and whether she intended it to be or not, its been quite a public rejection.

 

I should move on really- with the exception of the friend who died, the loss of one of these friendships isn't a huge loss to me- I wasn't getting many positive things out of it and its obvious that she never considered me to be a high priority in her life.

The loss of the other friendship (the one I fought with) is more painful, but I'm still angry with her for quite a few things and I'm not sure I can forgive those things especially when she has flatly refused to talk things over- hence making it clear that repairing the friendship isn't important to her- which hurts.

 

Rejection sucks, especially on multiple levels.

[freestyle]

Ouch---SB---what a painful thing to go through.

 

Being "the odd man out" is a horrible feeling.Especially when you're having to grieve as well.

 

I've noticed that death can really change friendship dynamics, with the remaining friends. Grieving can stir up , or trigger a lot of stuff that had been buried previously.

 

I had two people who I considered to be amongst my dearest friends--a long-term couple. He passed away from cancer a few years ago---and his partner turned on me within six months, even though I went above & beyond to be a supportive friend to her. She's even stooped to waging a smear-campaign against me, & I've been gobsmacked.

 

I suspect the truth is that she didn't want to be around someone who reminded her of the trauma she went through, so she turned me into a villain in her mind, to justify abandoning the friendship. There's a lot more to the story, but I don't want to make your thread all about me.

 

It's possible that the friend you wanted to keep will come around when she's gone through her grieving process. Although, it's completely understandable if you don't want to renew it, if too much time has passed.

 

Her stonewalling you certainly isn't helping----nothing can be repaired without communication. Your resentment is understandable---it's SO frustrating to feel rejected, and not allowed to speak in your own defense.

 

The pain will lessen eventually.....You may have to find a new social circle, in the meantime, so you don't keep having salt poured in the wound when you're trying to heal.

[sb129]

Thanks so much for your reply.

 

So many great points in there. I think also grief can show sides of people you my not have otherwise seen.

 

When my friend that died cooled the friendship off I did wonder if some of it was because I reminded her of everything she wouldn't have (our kids are the same age).

 

I do have another social circle too, which is pretty much separate, so it's not like I'm feeling totally friendless. and I have my family too which is important.

[sb129]

PS - sorry to hear about what you had to go through. That's tough.

[freestyle]

Thanks so much for your reply.

 

So many great points in there. I think also grief can show sides of people you my not have otherwise seen.

 

When my friend that died cooled the friendship off I did wonder if some of it was because I reminded her of everything she wouldn't have (our kids are the same age).

 

I do have another social circle too, which is pretty much separate, so it's not like I'm feeling totally friendless. and I have my family too which is important.

 

 

Glad to hear you have another social outlet, that will really help.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has done a lot of writing on death & dying, and grieving--maybe that will help you to process everything.

 

PS - sorry to hear about what you had to go through. That's tough.

 

Thank you---it's been one of the most heart-breaking things I've ever gone through---I considered her to be one of my best friends, for almost ten years. If she needed to walk away--so be it--but there was no need to drag my name through the mud. That's the part I can't get past.

 

And I'm sorry you lost your friend as well.