Ahh, this is life in my eyes.

[ColdEggNog]

Disclaimer: This is probably going to be a really long post. Basically, there's been a lot on my mind lately, and I'm just using this as an outlet to vent. I don't post here often, but I lurk quite a bit and I learn a lot from reading about your own experiences and seeing others' perspectives and responses on the matters.

 

Background: I'm a senior in college, a couple months away from graduation. In August, I'll begin a new book in my life and start graduate studies in a city hundreds of miles away from the state I've grown up in. All of this is daunting to me, but I'm excited about all the new opportunities and experiences ahead of me.

 

Long introduction: I have tons of acquaintances and friends that I talk to on a regular basis (common interests, school, friends from high school, etc). I have many of those people in my life- but very few of them I'd call very close friends. Sure, we have common interests and have a great time together, but as of late, I've been thinking more about the quality of these friendships. Very few of them are people that I confide very personal details in my life to (as of late, this number has been much smaller). Some of my friends confide stuff to me all the time, but if I begin talking about something really personal or vent, I feel like their interest is elsewhere.

 

The closest friends I've ever had were in high school: these were people that knew me inside and out, and I knew just as much about their own lives. However, back in high school, I'll admit that I had a lot of social anxiety problems (this stems from family issues and having very limited interactions with others when I was really young, but I won't go into that here), so I'd feel unwanted or rejected very easily, even though objectively, that isn't the case. I wouldn't say that I was part of the really exclusive, popular crowd that most preteens want to be a part of, but I tried to make the effort to get to know a lot of people so many people knew who I was and I think found me generally likable. However, back then I had the perception that if someone wasn't making the first contact with me/if I went to make the first contact, then I'd come off as a pest/annoying. I also had a tendency to take really subtle actions (down to the level of word choice and body language) really personally and got hung up on them. Nonetheless, I had many people that would confide things to me and were always happy to lend a listening ear to me (because of many family problems and social anxiety problems, I had a lot of issues I needed to talk about with others), and I'm grateful of the friendship that they had always lent me. Even those who saw me on my worst days and even when social anxiety got in the way, most of them looked past it and still enjoyed my company and chatting into the wee hours of the morning. My 17th birthday was really bad for personal reasons, so a bunch of my friends planned an elaborate post-birthday party for me to cheer me up. It was one of the most amazing gestures I'd ever seen and I can't begin to fathom how good of friends they were. Of course, among these great friends were friends that weren't so great- people that would take advantage of me, or take advantage of others, people that would betray my trust, etc. Within my great group of friends, there was a lot of turmoil and often they would vent to me about each other (in which I always just served as a listening ear since I didn't want to get involved in that much drama). Sometimes, I regret that I wasn't as good of friends to them as they were to me- I was always one that tried to appease others, so if one person talked s**t about one person, I'd always try to see it their way instead of saying "hey, is it possible that maybe you're the one in the wrong?" (and yes, within the turmoil I referenced, there were certain people that I believed were the victims and others who instigated trouble, but I won't go much more into that). Unfortunately, over several years, people get busy and caught up in their own lives so while I try to keep in touch with a lot of my close friends from high school, we don't have huge all-night discussions about life and other personal things anymore. But hey, that's just life, right?

 

Fast forward a few years, and I'd become a lot more confident. I'm much more assertive than I ever was (I'll do anything for a friend in need, but at the same time, I know when to say "hey, what if you tried looking at it from this direction," and one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone treats either myself or a loved one like a doormat- I have absolutely no tolerance for this anymore and make myself vocal). I have many friends in college who I hang out with on a regular basis and enjoy everything from a chill night in my apartment (either alone or with a couple others) to raging until the morning hours, and social anxiety isn't a problem with me like it used to be in high school. Therefore, many complications aren't unintentionally caused be me anymore. I've taken more actions to get involved within the school and community, and feel like with time I've grown to be much more respecting of myself and my beliefs rather than being wishy-washy or silent about them. Above all, I'm always trying to find ways to better myself even more, and in particular, be a better friend to those I care about.

 

Unfortunately, as I grow older, I'm starting to find that much of the time, this is one-way and that people have their own ulterior motives. Even though I've become more confident and extroverted than before, I feel like many of the people I've met in college are ingenuine and insensitive. One of my best friends my freshman and sophomore year had a highly toxic personality- he's hypocritical with his own beliefs and constantly talks about people behind their back. Despite this, he confided in me a lot of stuff and told me that I was one of the few people he could really depend on, even though I did hear of several occasions when he said unpleasant things about me. There were times when his personality rubbed off on me and I found myself making fun of people that didn't deserve it (I was becoming the type of person I hated). I won't go into much more detail, but the summer after our sophomore year we had a slight falling through (I don't want to go into much detail right now since this is already long, but this was entirely caused by him disagreeing with one of my own ideas) and gradually drifted apart. He was the type of person I didn't want to become, and partly because of him, is why I started to make so much more effort to better myself and become more confident. Nonetheless, after our falling through, he managed to turn many of our mutual friends against me (he's very skilled at twisting the truth to make himself seem like the good guy), so at the start of my junior year, I was starting from scratch again. I had several other close friends that I met through college that I had spent a lot of time with (different friend circles, so to speak) and I hung out with their friends as well, but each of these individual close friends didn't know each other. I spent my junior year focusing and strengthening my friendships with them, while also making more of an effort to spend time with people that I had met through classes and the dorms my first two years that I was on a friendly basis with.

 

During this time, I feel like I've been let down and betrayed more times than I ever have before. I had a number of close friends my junior year that all met each other through me, and in the end, they all became really close to each other and phased me out of their group. This past September was one of the most stressful months of my life for numerous reasons, and it was really disheartening that during those weeks, people who I once considered close friends didn't seem to have me in their thoughts at all (they all knew I was under stress, so it would have meant a lot to me and would have done well for my sanity if I had known they were there for me, but none of them seemed to reach out to me). I knew they were constantly hanging out, but rarely was I invited to anything. Once things cooled down for me, they seemed uninterested in me and were "exclusive" and still rarely invited me to anything they did as a group. Today, I have several friends who see that group from the outside and have the same opinion as I do. One of them has tried to recently make efforts to make me feel more included in the group since I guess he realized that I'd been left out, but the last few times I've hung out with them, it has felt awkward and I felt distant from a lot of the others. I don't know what to talk to them about anymore. Today, they still do everything together, but I'm starting to observe some turmoil going on (I've heard that one of the relationships isn't going so well, one of them is as it turns out highly self-absorbed and is causing some internal drama, etc). One of them messaged me the other day out of the blue and told me that she misses our friendship and wants to try and fix things even though it's late in the game. However, after all the hurt that that group had put me through, I feel like she's only reconnecting with me because of the internal group drama. I feel like I'm going to be taken advantage of and once things within her group are patched up, I'll be abandoned again. On top of this, I've also had "friends" that like my company because I provide a good ear, but are completely apathetic whenever I talk about myself at all. I like both of my roommates but they don't get along, so they're feuding a lot and it's difficult to be in the middle of. I'm also still suffering from the repercussions of my 'toxic' friend in that people are still gradually turning away from me. Furthermore, because it's so late in the game, it's become difficult for me to mold really good friendships.

 

I feel like I was making such good progress to becoming a great, confident person, but I feel like I keep getting dealt unfortunate hands. After a breach of friendship, I step back and try to figure out if there was anything that I could have done in order to prevent the friendship from going downhill, and in most cases I cannot. At the least, it's disheartening that towards the end of my senior year, I don't feel like there is anyone there for me that is really invested in me. At this point, I feel like I'm back at square one. Once somebody has really hurt me once, it's really hard for me to take them back into my life. Instead of going our for St. Patrick's day, I've actually spent tonight reflecting on my friendship experiences and despite everything, I'm still trying to find ways to better myself and make myself a better person and friend.

 

End: I still have friends that I talk to often, but it's been difficult making new real connections this late in the game. At this point, I'm coasting to the end and making sure that I finish strong. August will be a milestone for me- I'll be going to a new place hundreds of miles away meeting entirely new people from scratch and (hopefully) starting entirely new friendships that I hope will be the types of friendships that will make me feel wanted and with people I can have a great time with.

 

This summer will be the first time in a while in which I'll have no responsibilities. I'm taking this summer off from internships, travel, etc. in order to recharge my batteries and to give myself time for personal development. I haven't been eating as healthy or working out like I should be throughout college. I think I'm going to spend this summer getting into shape and making sure that my health is on the right track. I'm going to reconnect with as many of my friends from high school as I can and catch up, since it has been a while since I've hung out with many of them. As a child, I never learned to swim and I've been meaning to learn for a while- this summer, I'm going to make it a personal goal to be able to swim lengths of a pool comfortably by the end of summer. I'm going to take a bartending class and sharpen up on my mixed drinks (and maybe meet new people while I'm at it). Most importantly, I'm going to reprogram my mind (again) and be confident so that I can make friends. This will be a summer for me to do many of the things I've wanted to do but haven't had the time- yes, this will be a summer for me!

 

However, I can't help but think that whenever I leave behind my current life and go to a new place that I'll have difficulty making (good) friends. I don't have doubt that I'll find people with similar interests and likeable personalities that I'll hang out with, but will I be able to mold really personal relationships with them? Will they be the type of people that abandon me when I need them most? Will I find a good girlfriend that is as invested in me as I'm invested in her? (this is a subject for a different day, but I've never formally been in a relationship- I've had a couple FWB's- one during a summer and one during jr year- and I've gone on the occasional date- but this has been something that has been bothering me as well).

 

This was really long, but I appreciate the time of everyone who has read this. I'm not necessarily looking for advice- I just wanted a medium to lay out my thoughts. This is life in my eyes, so to speak. If anybody has insight, I'd definitely be interested in hearing what you have to say; otherwise, have a great night!