Lexygirl Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 Hi all. I have a couple VERY good friends who lean on me and I lean on them too. I have always had a hard time being the 'taker' in a friendship. I have always (in the past) seemed to be the one who listened and helped so it's taken me MANY years to allow myself to share and ask for help. Lately one of my very good friends has started to drift away from me and I keep worrying that maybe it's because I need her too much now How do you know when you are asking too much ? Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 (edited) Hi all. I have a couple VERY good friends who lean on me and I lean on them too. I have always had a hard time being the 'taker' in a friendship. I have always (in the past) seemed to be the one who listened and helped so it's taken me MANY years to allow myself to share and ask for help. Lately one of my very good friends has started to drift away from me and I keep worrying that maybe it's because I need her too much now How do you know when you are asking too much ? Hi there, L. It's hard for me to answer this question without more specifics. You may be unreasonable in your requests or she may be selfish in her responses. Hard to know so... What are you asking her to do? Help you move? Grocery shop for you? Lend an ear? Borrow her car? All those things and more? Edited December 30, 2011 by cerridwen Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 One potential is that when a status quo is upset or changes, it alters the dynamic of the friendship. Example: If, traditionally, you were the 'sounding board' in the friendship and now you are looking for that same kind of support from this friend, support they rarely or never were asked for, it's outside of their comfort zone or realm of experience for the friendship. I generally have had this issue more with female friends than male friends but some male friends got used to 'taking' in a benign way and when I needed support during the last couple years they disappeared. That's OK. I call those friends 'good time' friends. Two ways to mitigate this potential is to 'train' friends to behave in a balanced way, both giving and taking, as well as expand one's circle of friends so the dynamics of friendship are spread wider and in a less focused way. Along with that, communicate clear boundaries of what you expect from friends. If they feel those boundaries are unreasonable, that's OK. They can move along. Billions more to be served. Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 Theres always a limit! Learn the limit and stay respectful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lexygirl Posted December 30, 2011 Author Share Posted December 30, 2011 Hi there, L. It's hard for me to answer this question without more specifics. You may be unreasonable in your requests or she may be selfish in her responses. Hard to know so... What are you asking her to do? Help you move? Grocery shop for you? Lend an ear? Borrow her car? All those things and more? Nothing unreasonable... just same chatting as we usually do but at times I need to talk about my marriage a bit more than usual I guess. Maybe I am just paranoid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lexygirl Posted December 30, 2011 Author Share Posted December 30, 2011 Carhill you made some good points (thank you) and btw... about the 'good time friends'... I definitely have one of those lol. Dust... I'm always respectful of everyone in my life. I just don't like to ask too much and worry when I do. Like I say I'm just learning how to ask for help lately so it's tough for me. Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 Nothing unreasonable... just same chatting as we usually do but at times I need to talk about my marriage a bit more than usual I guess. Maybe I am just paranoid. I see. Chatting's not too much to ask. But if the person hears the same thing over and over, she may start to feel at a loss as how to help--despite wanting to. She may grow silent, seemingly distant, unsure of how to "add anything new" to supporting you. My suggestion is to spread the wealth around. Share your pain with a few sympathetic friends. Find other ears in divorce support groups, and the like. Many exist. Have you looked into those, Dove? I hear they can be very helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 (edited) well, I used to just give alot, but had two friends who for a year each accessed me with thier problems and one was twice-a-day updates about a boyf and she never listened to my advice (she stole a T-shirt too and I believed her lie about it) and the other one I had to run from (she could be catty and jealous) people who need to talk sometimes enjoy it but don't see that they are burdens with the listener reeling from the heavy load that is dumped on them with nowhere to put the load of baggage dumped - heavy I would not get carried away being nice indefinitely - it ruined two years of my life Edited December 30, 2011 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
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