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"Friend" has got something against me

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Old 18th November 2011, 10:06 AM   #1
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"Friend" has got something against me

Hi all,

I have this so-called "friend" that I have known for about 10 years now. We study the same course at university, which we started a couple of years ago. Over the past couple of years, he's hasn't be a real friend. He always teases me, saying things like "he's so slow", "look at those clothes his wearing, would you wear that", etc. I usually ignore it, even when it's embarrassing in front of people. Of late I haven't been that social with him, in fact, I would say I'm just no interested in talking to him. For some reason, he tries to upset me even harder... I've stood up to him before and said "could you stop that?". He stopped for a while and how he keeps going. I can keep shrugging it off and ignoring it and it won't affect me but honestly, why would I still want to associate with this guy?

To add on top of that, he's been talking behind my back with another "friend" and saying nasty things... which I was deeply hurt by. Now, he doesn't know that I know, which makes the whole situation even worse because trying to act all "friendly" around me, when in fact, he's just looking for more things to say behind my back...Instead of being honest, he's being two-faced. Now, I have decided already that this guy is not my friend. Only issue is that we have mutual friends who we play with in a sports team and I don't want to create tension in the team.

How should I go about this? What do I do next time he teases me or says something that isn't nice, especially in front of people? I would love any help you can provide
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Old 21st November 2011, 11:32 AM   #2
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What a wart of a friend. I encountered something similar, only with a FEMALE friend shortly after high school. She was my 'friend' to my face, making passive-aggressive comments to me like your friend is doing, or making comments in a bid to make me jealous, all because she was very jealous that I was closer with our mutual male friend than she and he were. In the end, it went out with an explosive bang of tempers and I never spoke to her again.

How long have you both been playing on this team together? Are there really no other options for teams that you could play on? I'd keep contact with this guy to a minimum, and the next time he makes a snarky remark, act like he didn't say anything at all. Filter it out. I'm sure that everyone around you can see what a spiteful little jerk he's being. If you don't respond to it, I'm sure that sooner or later he'll grow tired of it and move on. But if he doesn't?

Switch to a different team and break contact altogether. Let all of your friends know that you don't want to hear a peep about him. You'd like to treat him as though he's dead to you.
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Old 22nd November 2011, 3:09 AM   #3
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Thanks for your reply, RiverRunning. Jealousy can be such a disease sometimes but at least you're not speaking to her again. It can be very annoying having a 'friend' like that around but I'm happy that you're no longer in that position.

I always picture it going with an explosive bang of tempers but at the moment, it's just a bunch of mind games he's playing and trying to draw a reaction from me. You would think he would grow out of it but, unfortunately, this has been many years in the making and he hasn't received much (if any) negative feedback about his behaviour; in his own words, he's "awesome". Funny thing is I'm not doing anything... I'm conscious about my own behaviour and I know for a fact that I've been nothing but civil and a supporting friend. I don't talk behind his back to, so it's not like it's a back and forth thing.

I've been playing with this team for about 2 years now, I've been friends with them for longer but I must say they're closer with him. I don't see how they can be so drawn to him when he does undermine the confidence of some people around it by making passive-aggressive comments and snide remarks that really reveals his insecurities. I could play on other teams but I wouldn't know anyone... so unless I know another group of friends who would be happy to have me, I'm stuck with this team for now. I think I've been good with filtering it out but would I want this to keep going on and on? No. I'm hoping to lose contact with this guy one day, perhaps after uni finishes but until then, if it gets unbearable, I'll do what you suggested and break contact and I'll make it clear how I feel and what my position is and I would have to leave the team.

It's funny, the other day he invited me to a trip and I told that I'm not interested in a polite way, and then he acts as though I'm being dismissive and rude and that I have a problem with him. Why would I want to go anywhere with you when you talk behind my back and say the things you say? Furthermore, he has a bit of an influence on the other members of the team, and some of them have been treating me with a little disrespect until I set them straight. If he needs to be set straight, I'll do it but afterwards, there's no recovery; no chance he'll be my friend again.
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Old 24th November 2011, 6:23 AM   #4
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I would speak to him one on one point blank and tell him how he is always putting you down and making it stressful to hang out with him,mentioned that u know he was talking behind your back. It's come a point that the friendship has to end b.c his actions and being with him is just not worth it. Maybe try giving him one warning,that u can't hang out with him and still be put down all the time.

I had a similar toxic friend and he was a smooth talker also. The person was selective on who he puts down,to most people he seemed like a good guy. I spoke to him once and said this gotta stop and he just dismissed what I said,thinking whatever. From that point on,I just ignored the dude hard core,it pissed him off. The guy was real self centered and immature,he missed hanging out with me. He still won't admitted that he was a total ******* to me, I finally told him that we had some good laughs. That hanging with him was to stressful and tiring eventually he would just repeat his bad habits and **** on me again. I had drop 2 acquaintances b.c they always hung out with my old toxic friend. If you join another team eventually you will become more comfortable with them over time and it's a fresh start.
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Old 24th November 2011, 9:18 AM   #5
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Thanks for the advice, riverman. It's great to have a perspective from someone who's been through something similar before. I think I'll give that a go, if he tries to put me down again or does something inappropriate, I will pull him aside and tell him straight up. The sad thing is if I do this, he'll use what I say to talk behind my back even more and make fun of me. I've known him way to long and he thinks everyone thinks he's awesome, so therefore, by his logic, it must be my fault and I must be to blame. If I do give him that one warning, it pretty much means I'm going to cut off contact with him. Mainly because in the past when he has pushed the line and I told him to stop, he would quiet down for a few weeks and then revert back to his old behaviour. This has happened a few times already. It's just him.

Funny how that works. Your friend missed hanging out with you even though he was being a dickhead to you. It is really toxic to have friendships like this around and it's definitely not worthwhile pretending as though nothing is wrong. Guys like that would never admit they were dickheads... just like my friend here. Everytime he would say sorry for something, it'll be in a sarcastic tone and he'll always say the other person deserves being put down or picked on. I ignore him for a time period, and just like your friend, it pissed him off and he tries to come crawling back. On top of that, he started becoming more of a jerk. I have a few friends, but I think acquaintances would be a better word, who follow him and basically are yes-men to him and it becomes a power struggle, a really unhealthy dynamic where it's about that guy propping himself up and over others, especially me. You're right though, it is not worth it -- if it comes to it, and I think it is probably there already, I'll drop some of my other 'friends' and leave the team.

A fresh start is what I really need, because when everything else in your life is going right and this one piece of thorn is there, it can become really annoying. I use to care and wanted my other friends to see him for what he really is... but like a similar situation with my ex and her current bf (a former friend of mine), it's not worth it. At the end of the day, it's my life and I have this toxic relationship and I need to look out for myself.
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