How to deal with a friend that's a narcissist?

[Desensitized]

Hey everyone,

I have this friend who is a complete narcissist. He's nice and all, but he really gets on my nerves 24/7. Like seriously, he can't go for more than 5 minutes without bragging about himself. Either that, or he's always acting pretentious by talking about things he learned that day from biology class or something.

I've talked to one of our mutual friends about this, and he agreed that he's a bit narcissist.

 

I don't know what to do, I just want to tell him to shut up sometimes, but he is my friend. I usually have to always be out of our room (we're roommates) because I can't stand him. Nice guy, but I can't stand being around him for more than a half an hour.

 

Any tips would be appreciated.

[january2011]

Some people behave in that way because underneath it all they're really insecure and need the pep talk to feel confident. That's one possible explanation.

 

Does he always turn the conversation back on himself? What happens when you talk about yourself? In what way is he a nice guy? And why doesn't that outweigh his other behaviour? There's a disconnect here.

 

If you don't actually want to be around him and can't stand him, I'm not sure how you can maintain the friendship or remain roommates.

[Desensitized]

Some people behave in that way because underneath it all they're really insecure and need the pep talk to feel confident. That's one possible explanation.

 

Does he always turn the conversation back on himself? What happens when you talk about yourself? In what way is he a nice guy? And why doesn't that outweigh his other behaviour? There's a disconnect here.

 

If you don't actually want to be around him and can't stand him, I'm not sure how you can maintain the friendship or remain roommates.

 

If by turning the conversation back on himself you mean that he tries to get the focus back on him, then yes. When I start talking about myself, it's very brief. He needs to be praised for every A that he receives. So annoying. I could do the same, but I choose not to. I don't know, I guess he's a nice guy when he doesn't talk about himself 24/7, but that's very rare. We had a plan to maintain roommates; we were also going to room with our mutual friend, but I'm on the verge of telling our mutual friend that I won't be able to room with our narcissistic friend. But on the other hand, I don't want to hurt my roommate's feelings.

[january2011]

Is this his first time at college? Does he have other friends? What do you know about his family situation? Is he an only child? The only boy in his family? Some cultures really 'big-up' their sons and it can leave the person with an over-inflated sense of self.

 

What you do really depends on how much you want to understand him and get him to a stage where you can interact without it being unpleasant. Everyone has character flaws but if his being a nice guy doesn't outweigh his self-centred behaviour and you're not willing to be direct and tell him to tone it down for fear of hurting his feelings, I don't see how you can keep this up.

 

You could always go the indirect passive-aggressive route and continue to avoid him. But when push comes to shove, there will be that day when you tell him that you're not going to room with him. You might then wish that you'd said something earlier because the situation could have been saved. I suggest trying to coax him into listening. Along the lines of, "I'm really glad to hear your news, but I'd like to tell you my news now," or "I'm really glad to hear how your day went, but I'd like to tell you about my day if you'd like to hear it." Use phrases like "Let me finish" and body language such as holding up your hand/finger to indicate that you're not done talking. If all this seems like too much effort then perhaps your friendship isn't that strong and it's possibly not worth maintaining.

 

Or be direct and tell him that feel the conversations are starting to get one-sided. That is, sometimes you could really do with him just listening to you.

Edited October 15, 2011 by january2011

[Desensitized]

Is this his first time at college? Does he have other friends? What do you know about his family situation? Is he an only child? The only boy in his family? Some cultures really 'big-up' their sons and it can leave the person with an over-inflated sense of self.

 

What you do really depends on how much you want to understand him and get him to a stage where you can interact without it being unpleasant. Everyone has character flaws but if his being a nice guy doesn't outweigh his self-centred behaviour and you're not willing to be direct and tell him to tone it down for fear of hurting his feelings, I don't see how you can keep this up.

 

You could always go the indirect passive-aggressive route and continue to avoid him. But when push comes to shove, there will be that day when you tell him that you're not going to room with him. You might then wish that you'd said something earlier because the situation could have been saved. I suggest trying to have a talk with him. Along the lines of, "I'm really glad to hear your news, but I'd like to tell you my news now," or "I'm really glad to hear how your day went, but I'd like to tell you about my day if you'd like to hear it." If all this seems like too much effort then perhaps your friendship isn't that strong and it's possibly not worth maintaining.

 

This is his first time at an actual university. He's 21; prior to coming to an actual university, he went to some music school college for 2 years. He has about 2 other friends besides myself on campus, and some other friends that aren't from our university. His family situation seems to be pretty stable, and I believe he has 1 brother who, he tries to measure up to. I've undirectly hinted that I don't like narcissistic people, but I think I have to be a bit more direct, perhaps.

[january2011]

There's a chance that all life experience so far hasn't adequately prepared him for his current environment. And with the sibling rivalry, he might feel invisible and therefore has a strong urge to trumpet his own achievements because no one else will.

 

He may not realise that his behaviour is too much and could be alienating his friends. If he's so inwardly focus, your indirect hints are unlikely to work because he probably doesn't recognise that what you're saying applies to him unless you say so.

 

Therefore, yes, I agree, try to be more direct. You might well be doing him a favour and save your friendship.

Edited October 15, 2011 by january2011

[TrueColors]

And with the sibling rivalry, he might feel invisible and therefore has a strong urge to trumpet his own achievements because no one else will.

 

Therefore, yes, I agree, try to be more direct. You might well be doing him a favour and save your friendship.

 

I agree with this.

 

You might not be able to change your friend, but you can lessen the frustration by trying to understand where his behaviour is stemming from.

 

Does your friend always interrupt you when you start telling him about yourself?