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I told her I love her, and now i need to get over her.

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Old 20th September 2011, 9:00 AM   #1
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I told her I love her, and now i need to get over her.

Heres how the story starts.
This girl and I have been great friends over the past 2 years, and over the last 6 months, weve been getting closer every day. Ever since i met her, i had known i felt something for her, and it wasnt until about a year ago that i knew i was hopelessly in love with her. Well 4 weeks ago, things began to get urgent for me. We both just started college, and i knew that if i did not talk with her soon that she would be in a relationship in no time.

But i didnt... i did nothing, for 3 weeks, i never talked with her about it, and the thing is, weve pretty much been attached at the hip the whole time. Were in the same major, we aligned our schedules to fit perfectly, and we eat lunch and hang out regularly every day. Then it happened.

We were talking in the hall... more like debating a topic when he walked down towards us. he was about to pass us... dear god, he was about to pass us, walk down that hall, and be out of my life forever... but i stopped him... I stopped him and asked him his viewpoint on the debate... Then we started talking, the three of us... then for some reason unknown to me at this time... i left them. I thought nothing of it... i didnt think that what would happen would happen. Then after i left... they kept talking... then they exchanged contacts... and kept talking...

I noticed what was going on, and she told me that she liked talking to this guy, and i made sure that my disinterest in this was known. She tried to reassure me that she just wanted to see what dating was like, and in no way wanted to leave our friendship behind for someone else. My biggest problem though? She always told me her ideal guy was clean cut, suit wearing, 30 something year old buisiness type man. This guy? Skrawny, nerdy, pot head, politics major, and in my opinion, a tool.

Saturday rolled around, and they spent the afternoon in the city. I was concerned, but i kept her at her word, and just assumed it would be a day of akwardness and uncomfortableness, and from what she told me after... it was. She even told me after she got back that things would be easy if he were to just cheat on her so that eventually leaving him would be easy... is taht any way for someone to respond to a relationship? I ask myself, does she understand what shes doing?

So then sunday... they hung out again, and i broke down... A time that her and i always spend together, and he took that time... I didnt leave my dorm for most of the day... I was really distressed knowing that she was and is the only person i have at the university... So i told her... at 2AM on monday, i told her everything. How i feel about her, how i feel about what shes doing... i let out 2 years worth of emotion, and you know what, she said she always had a feeling i felt that way...

She told me that she understands how i feel, how unfair that this may seem to me... how "beyond compatible" we are, her words. She said that she had this hang up with appearance, and admittedly, im a bit overweight, and she cant get over that, and she feels horrible about saying that that is the only reason shes not into me. But really though, i understand her completely, and shes grateful for my understanding. I told her id change... that id change myself for her. Im willing to do that, and she didnt object to that... but she made sure to tell me that she still wanted to try things out with this guy.

Then monday played out... he took my hanging out time again... i broke down again... then it was night. She came to me and told me they had a talk... i got really excited... and hopeful... but she said that... she was willing to take a "leap of faith" with this guy, and see where the relationship can go... He told her that he noticed that she had one foot in the relationship, and one foot out, and that the same thing happened in his last relationship, and that he didnt want it to happen again... Needless to say, a big part of me died on the inside... but we started talking more... longer than the night before. I told her even more... I told her how much she meant to me... and she told me that she still appreciates me more than anyone in the world. She said that the reason she was one foot in one foot out was because of me... was because she didnt want to leave me behind. But she also said that she was in a situation where reciprocating these feelings would complicate things... she said "our (mine and hers) admiration for eachother is set in stone, but so is my mind." and despite how she said she wanted to see where the relationship goes, she told me outright that she never plans to sleep with him... so i ask myself, does she even know what shes doing herself?

So here i am... the girl i love is in a relationship out of pity. She knows i love her, and that fact is killing me. I know deep within me that her relationship will end eventually, and that eventually, i will be skinny... but the time between then and now is long and painful... and i need help. Please help.
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Old 20th September 2011, 10:43 PM   #2
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And even though i am almost certain this is temporary... the most hurtful thing is knowing that the woman i love is being touched... kissed... held by another man
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Old 29th September 2011, 8:53 PM   #3
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I know this will hurt to hear, but if she has a 'hangup' with appearances, you're better off keeping her as a friend. If she truly valued you as a potential partner, none of this would matter at all. If you love someone, I TRULY feel that looks, appearances, whatever don't factor into what will make a relationship work. It's simply who you are on the inside that counts. You sound like a really great guy, but she's just not worth it
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Old 30th September 2011, 1:31 AM   #4
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ouch and ouch!

I hope you lose weight..For YOURSELF, not for her.

Let's say you lose weight and feel great, look great and many (hot) girls come looking for you.. But, your heart is only seeing this "one" girl who has rejected you not only because she has a boyfriend but because she was brutally honest with you, she thinks you're too big and she's not attracted to you in that way, but cares about you 'as a friend..' She will still like and care about you 'as a friend' even though you may lose a lot of weight.

Sorry, but my advice is, let her go and focus on grieving and healing so you can find a girl who accepts ALL of you, reguardless of how your weight.
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Old 30th September 2011, 3:58 AM   #5
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I'm in the exact dilemma you are in my friend. I told one of my closest friend what I felt about her, she was speechless but nothing really changed since then other than a minor awkwardness but we continued as if nothing happened. The sad part is I see her everyday, since we became roommates. But the worst part is I'm pretty sure she likes our other roommate who has been my friend for years but currently dating somebody else.

My advice is to move on, but still remain as a good friend. I know it sucks but why ruin a good friendship. Just promise yourself to never be the rebound, no matter what, don't let yourself be a side option and use you.
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Old 30th September 2011, 10:34 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by The Outlaw View Post
If you love someone, I TRULY feel that looks, appearances, whatever don't factor into what will make a relationship work. It's simply who you are on the inside that counts.

If you don't respect yourself by keeping your body in reasonable shape then most women won't respect you either. You learned this lesson the hard way, I hope you take it to heart and make some real changes in your life.

Oh, and don't continue to be this girls friend. She's full of crap when she says she's not going to sleep with him and it's going to be even more painful when you get to hear all about it when she does.
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Old 18th October 2011, 1:31 AM   #7
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Ultimately, she's left the guy due to her feeling no romantic connection to him. Now shes the one feelign emotionally conflicted due to the fact that she knows she destroyed this guy, and she feels none of the hate or love that he feels. Shes starting to not like herself a bit due to what she says is her soullessness and her coldheartedness.

She told me that the main reason she was distant was because of me, but didnt get too specific after that.We still acknowledge the situation were in, but in the way we do best, through humor. I really do like to think that she knows she is able to love me... but weve both got our own growing to do...

However, Ive yet to do the thing i want to do most, and thats tell her outright that i love her and that id like to be in a relationship eventually. I know that what most of you all said is true, but she really is a great person... shes the only person i see in my life, and quite literally, were together every day. Shes always using words like "we" and other people always refer to us as "rob and alisa", and almost never individually.

On my end, my love is unfaltering, and unshakable. Noone else is even remotely attractive. I know you all know what that feels like...

Weight loss wise, ive lost about 15 pounds, and thats after factoring in the muscle weight ive gained. I plan on confronting her before hand, but im certain ill have her by the time ive found a comfortable weight.
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