You're SO stupid...but also my close friend, What now?

[eelloo]

So I have this really close friend named CoCo (fake name), that ive been friends with for over 5 years now, whom i love to death, but the problem is... I can't help but get mad at all the bad choices she makes in her life. She is a very selfless and giving person, so its super aggravating to see her always sacrifice her happiness/well being for someone elses (generally her control freak parents) when she deserves so much better. If there is someone you care for, whether it be friend,family or gf/wife,bf/husband, you obviously want the best for them, you don't want them to get picked on at school, or ripped off at work, or hurt in any way.

 

I have 3 questions I would really like to get peoples opinion about. You don't have to neccessarily read the whole story underneath to answer them... except number 1 i guess but any feedback is appreciated!

 

1) Hypothetically, if your close friends/girl-boyfriend/fam member (someone you really really care about) was in the exact same situation as CoCo, how would YOU handle this situation and why?

 

2) To what extent (name boundaries/examples) do you/have you let your parents control you, your choices and life? (Could be current age or past age)

 

3) In your opinion, at what age should a parent let their child be their own person and make their own choices? And if a child is not given their freedom to do so after this age, what do you suppose would happen to them in the long run?

 

 

 

Its hard to just be a bystander knowing they are getting hurt because they aren't standing up for themselves, but what really are you supposed to do? I hate her parents so much, I despise them for the way they treat her, yet its sad because she is always defensive of them no matter what they do. Coco used to also cut herself, usually when her parents upset her. She also does so many things just to keep her parents happy and the peace at home. She is a good person, with a good heart, a good daughter and a considerate friend who always puts others before herself. She barely goes out (its gotten a little better with age tho), and when she does she still needs permission ( We are both 21 now), she doesn't do anything bad, cares about school/future and is always working. Here are a couple stories that completely outraged me as I knew how much it hurt her. All opinions appreciated!

 

When i first met her, 5-6 years ago, we were in 10th grade (15-16 y.o.) a group of friends from school made plans to go out since it was halloween night. I was getting ready when I got a call from her, sounding very upset, she told me she was not allowed to go anymore because he parents last min decided that she should take her younger sister trick or treating with her friends, and no matter how much she protested they said she HAD to stay back...

 

Another incident she told me about, was how her parents scolded her for walking their dog without their permission at age prolly 15,16 or 17. She didnt get in really big trouble or anything but she did get yelled at and reminded that she must ask for their permission ANYWHERE she goes.

 

In grade 11 now, one time Coco had her email account signed in and left her laptop to go somewhere. Her dad actually snooped thru her mail and found pictures of us drinking coolers (like our 1st or 2nd time), as well as her first time smoking weed. Yes, of course no parent would ever be HAPPY knowing their kids are smoking/drinking or whatnot, but kids are always going to be kids and be curious and try that kinda stuff at some point of their teenage years, but i mean.. invading your kids privacy by sneaking thru their emails? ....

 

One time, still 11th grade, there was a sleepover party at someones house and madalina asked her parents if she could go. This time, they let her, and I remebmer as we were leaving her front door her mom said "See how much I love you cause i'm letting you go!" ... I was actually mortified she would say such a thing. Also, after school once, me her and a mutual male friend of ours were talking, and as her dad drove up to pick her up she quickly motioned for him to go away, because apparently she was not allowed to talk to guys??

 

One time we went to a christmas work party(we were 17-18), her dad gave her a curfew to come home at 11. She got home at 11:15 and he immediately slapped her causing a bruise on her face.

 

 

 

In grade 12, we were 17-18, one of our friends were leaving to go to another country, we had all planned a farewell dinner for her. I was just about to go pick her up when i called to make sure she was ready, I got no response from her house or cell line. So i drove to her house and her mom opened the door, I asked her where Coco was cause we had to leave soon, her mom promptly said in a superior tone "Im not letting CoCo go anymore because she didnt do the laundry and help me record my show!" And i was absolutely shocked, i told her.. "Well this is a farewell dinner for one of our friends that is moving... and we won't be seeing for a really long time...." and Her mom, basically cutting me off "Well I know that but I don't care.... What about me?!!? I'm her MOM, and I told her she CANNOT go because she did not do what I asked of her" I was biting my tongue so badly I actually wanted to punch her mom out. That night CoCo ran away into a park and was crying and sobbing but refused to come over, even though me and my mom offered her to stay at our place for as long as she needs, because she said she can't afford to pay me any rent..

 

Grade 12 still, one day she came over to watch a movie and just hang out at my place, her dad told her he would call my home phone every HOUR to ensure that she was INSIDE my house and that we weren't out. HOW ****ING SAD IS THAT?!!

 

Then university comes, and as much as she thinks "things got better with her parents", as a 3rd party observer, I would say it didn't. Sometimes her parents let her do things, like maybe, drink lots of beer with them, or laugh at her hangover, or let her stay out late once in awhile, and she considers those instances of lienancy as significant examples of how her parents are changed! but to me its clearly, still about control to her parents. Her dad asked for a copy of her schedule so he knew when to expect her home. In our 2nd year of school, we finished class and was our way back. I had a car so i would drop her off home, we passed by Walmart and I said i needed to get my glasses fixed. We started looking at some other stuff while we were at walmart too and all of a sudden CoCo FREAKS OUT and drags behind all these clothes and makes me duck for cover! Then she told me that her mom and sister were here and we had to leave ASA, and I asked why, and she said because she didn't tell her mom or dad she was going to be at walmart and they think shes on her way back from school. And I told her, we were coming back from school.. but I had to stop to fix my glasses... but still, she was freaking out and dragged me running out of the store. When we got outside she was telling me how fast her heart was beating and how she almost had a heart attack from the fear or being caught. But really, caught doing what? Being inside a walmart without informing the parents of it?

 

Another university incident, during reading week, she made plans to go to the mall with a friend, and when she went to ask her mother about it, her mother flat out said no. Her reason? Because it is reading week and people should study during reading week. CoCo called her dad and asked him but he said that if her mom said no, then its a no. During the same week, Coco was in the kitchen about to go upstairs to study, and she grabbed her phone on the counter, her mom told her to leave it downstairs, she said no, her mom said no you must leave it down so it doesn't distract you, and Coco says no I want to bring it up with me anyway. Her mother, failing to control her daughter got mad and started a fight and blah blah blah, also threatened to take away her cell phone that Coco herself paid for, and told a stupid story of how her friend took away her sons car when he did something bad. poor Coco didnt even do anything bad, she just wanted to have her phone on her! but yes, she got yelled at, and a fight was started. It was pretty ****ing stupid. how can she even think her parents have possibly gotten better, if the bottom line is that her parents still want that control over her.. like over her own belongings!

 

I asked Coco to come over one day and dye my hair for me, (3rd yr of uni now) she said she could after work at 3 but would tell her parents her shift ended at 5 so she could come help me. I told her, just tell your parents youre coming to dye my hair... why would u lie about that?And she said because she has a lot of homework and her parents would probably say no and make her go study. So whatever, she comes over and starts dying my hair when her dad starts calling her... he called her about 10 times before she picked up and lied saying she was still at work. He then told her he was at her work and she wasn't there. After that incident, her parents decided I was a bad influence for making their daughter lie to them. When in reality, she lied because OF THEM INCASE she would be denied permission. Anyways since that incident they both do not like me. But obviously I don't care because they are both unreasonable people who don't even know me or have the story straight.

 

The saddest incident to me was her 20th birthday. It was a day before her birthday and she made plans to come to my house to discuss which club we would go to/who to invite/etc etc. At 9pm she was about to come to my house when her mom said NO you may not. ( I forgot what her reason was or if she even had one) CoCo got really mad and insisted but either her mom or dad walked in front of the front door blocking her. so CoCo went to the back and climbed the fence and I came to pick her up, she was crying. Later that night she talked to her dad and he told her to come home, but her mom said she shouldn't ever come home. I obviously invited her to sleep over but she said she didnt want to because she knew her parents didnt like me and if she did sleep over they may be even more mad. So i said stop thinking of them for tonight, its gonna be ur 20th bday tommorow and you need to sleep. The next day she went home before i was even awake, and there was some big fight, and her mom said CoCo should do one thing and her dad said she should do another. and her mom said if CoCo does what the dad says then she would divorce him. I don't remebmer the exact details, but to me it was basically a struggle of control and her stuck in the middle.

 

I have said and tried enough to help her out, but she always thinks she doesn't need it and theres nothing wrong, BUT at the same time she has told me things like how she thinks she is socially awkward because her parents never let her go out and meet friends and do things, and she also thinks her mental age is not at the same level with her physical age because her parents treat her like a kid and makes all these descions for her. She said if her parents went away for a month and left her, she wouldnt know what to do (age 17) YET She goes on defending her family telling me I dont know all the great things about them. I never have made claims about how her parents THOUGHT, FELT or what their motives were or any of that stuff. I always remind her no matter how many good things they do or how much they love you, it doesn't justify the wrongs they do too. I state facts about how she is 21 but needs parental permission to go to the mall, and then she yells at me for "making it sound stupid" ... but thats what it is. You are 21, but you are not allowed to go to the mall UNLESS your parents approve of this. I try my best to say as little as possible because she goes on some defensive mode and it does strain our friendship, but of course it gets in the way, I can't call her up and ask her to come out for a walk, or just come to my house, or do anything really without going through her parents first, its just annoying. And its gotten to the point where things I say just annoy her so she doesn't listen to me regardless. Keep in mind these are the bigger incidents, there are many many more

Edited September 2, 2011 by eelloo

[The Outlaw]

Answer #1. She's unfortunately going to have to see for herself. She's been brainwashed, threatened, and manipulated by her parents into believing that they're always right.

 

Answer #2. My parents have just a little control over me. They let me live my own life the way I see fit, but if I make mistakes, they let me know and they're not overbearing about it. I'm not a parent, but getting back to her, no parent has a right to treat their children like that. We all deserve freedoms in our lives, and to take them away, it's not right.

 

Answer #3. And children/young adults should be allowed to move out when they and their parents feel that they're ready. And too much control by anyone in our lives will lead us to living less independent lives.

 

Hope this has helped you