IS this a jealous friend/family member???

[Amira4210]

HI all, I am in a situation in which has been on my mind of months now....I don't know what else to do but reach out to you all here. Sorry if this gets really long. This is a bout a familial relationship of mine that one day SUDDENLY out of nowhere came to a complete halt. I am 24, not married but with a great man, I just graduated from college with a BA and plan on starting on MBA soon. I have no kids, I have a great job and a great boss.

 

Ever since I was a teen, the closest person I have been to in my family and considered my best friend is my aunt. She is now 38. She is divorced, has 3 boys that rarely come to visit her. She has been in a LDR with a man for 4 years, and needless to say, he treats her like **** and she is very aware of it. My aunt and I have somewhat of an unhealthy relationship in the sense that she is more of a friend, a buddy, than an aunt. We've partied together, gone on double dates together, she's taking me to bars and strip clubs and helped me and my bf's sneak around and out of my house as young as 15 yrs of age. I've despised her for all these things and lost a lot of respect for her as a person in general.....however, we always remained very close. She calls me 80 times a day, just to chat, see whats new with me and work, at home, with my man. Up until this yr we have never once fought and not talked for more than a day. But this year, and very shortly after dating this man, we have gotten into 2 instances where we have gone months without talking. THIS is EXTREMELY WEIRD AND UNLIKE US.

 

A lil about this new guy of mine, he is in his 30's. He is divorced. He has a daughter. He is a successful business man who is very faithful and treats this relationship as if it were his #2 priority, #1 being his daughter. I am blessed in many ways to have met him. My family sees this and are finally more supportive of us (at first they didn't like the fact that he is divorced with a child). My aunt has always been very supportive of every one of my relationships thus far. Even if the guy is horrible for me and I am only 16, she helps me sneak around to see him, she will encourage me to stay with him. With this guy, she did the same at first. However a few months ago she said something like "he is so stupid to put you before his daughter...." (and much worse....which he will never do) I respond with "he is not that, you are the onle that gave up ur 3 boys to their father just to make his new wife's life a living hell, and you know it." She says "yes, of course, I am not gonna sit here and raise these boys while him and her are livin a honey moon stage. I wanted to make their marriage hell." WOAH! I was so shocked and disaapointed to hear this, thinking "h0w could you put some stranger's life ahead of your relationship with your children." After that, we didn't talk for about 3 months.

 

The entire time however, she is always calling my mother asking how me and my guy are doing, did he propose, when is the date blah blah, when we have only been together for only 2 months. I call her and say "if you want to know anything about my life, leave mom out of it, and ask me, you know I don't hide anything from you..." We start to speak normally after that. As time goes on, me and this guy have problems here and there, silly ones, and she is always telling me to stick it out, he is a great guy to and for me. She is supportive and sweet as can be about him. One day she calls and asks me about my day, how was my lunch, where i went to lunch, with who, what did I eat, am I going to work out after work, did my boss get mad at me for taking a long lunch etc., literally i was feeling suffoacted and got an attitude and said "omg why does it even matter, why do you need to know every single detail of my every move." She says "ok goodbye whatever."

 

That was 3 months ago, and we havent talked to this day. I've tried to call her, text her, email her, and she would either ignore me or just responde with very cold and short answers. This baffles me. I ask my mom for her oponion (as they are sisters and are very close) and my mom tells me that my aunt says that I just have an attitude and its too much for her. I call her 2 weeks ago, saying lets do dinner, she says "maybe, i might make plans with my friends." I say we need to talk.

 

SHe says "talk about what, I am not mad or upset, nothing is wrog." I say "well we used to talk 80 times a day, you used to call me all the time, now you dont pick up my calls even, so ther must be something wrong." First she says "there is nothing new to talk about, her life is the same, my life is the same, I am still with the same guy, one day i want him, the next I don't, and I will always be like that." Then a few minutes later she says "you know, you just have an attitude and a temper sometimes and its too much and you have the same drama all the time, its gets old. Its the same thing over and over again."

 

This shocks me as she always calls me wanting to know whats new and im like there is nothing new and she says your life is so much more fun than mine, you always have gossip and drama, and boys, my life is boring. I reminded her of this, and again, she just says o my drama is too much for her outta nowhere she wants no part of it. This is like me telling her after 15 yrs of her smoking that suddenly i dont want to talk to you bc you smoke, when her smoking has never once been an issue to me. You know? Mind you, my "drama" consists of her asking me for gossip bc she is bored and I tell her if i fought w my guy or with my mom or if I have a headache." Nothing so extreme to where she has had to come and bail me ot of jail or fight my battles for me or what not. Very petty stupid **** that is my "drama." She says she is trying to keep her distance from me. OUT OF NOWHERE. We didn't fight about anything, just one day decided she didn't want me in her life anymore.

 

I told her "thats ok, but you always said you cant wait to help me plan a wedding and one day hold my babies and see me grow up but now you're gonna miss out on all that for absolutely no REAL, GOOD reason." She says "o, so are you threatening me, you know if im not invited to your wedding, no one from the family is coming." I'm like "wtf what wedding, im not even engaged, so you dont want any part of my life or relationshp or wedding planning, you just want to make sure you're VIP at the wedding." She says "yes, I want to come and be there for my sister and sing and dance and have fun at her daughter's wedding." Slap in the face, she is not coming to share this very speacial (non-exsistant) day with me, her niece, but she is only coming to party and have a good time. I am at a loss of words, I don't know what the REAL issue is here. A few friends have told me she is just jealous maybe bc of how our lives turned out totally different and she wuld rather isolate herself from all the happy memories and positive changes in my life, but would just wants to be there for the very end of it, i.e. the wedding reception???? This is starting to make more sense, now that she doesn't even say hi when i see her at my uncles.........for no reason, I am not lying to you ppl. Is it really bc she is jealous, I don't think thats what it is only bc she was always so supportive of my life and all the positive things until now! Please help

Edited September 12, 2010 by Amira4210

[Not the love ace]

This definitely sounds like a case where she might be jealous. It seems like she might have been trying to live her younger teenage years through you and catch up on somethings she possibly missed out on when she was younger, especially since having 3 kids she most likely didn't have enough time to be young. Regardless, if this is her attitude she is EXTREMELY immature and selfish and I just would ignore her just like she is ignoring you. I know you love her and would want things to get better between the both of you but let her come around to you if anything. She's about 14 years older than you are and should really know how to carry herself and not stoop down to such a level. Let her be miserable and just keep doing what you're doing. You have plenty of other things you should be occupying yourself with than worry about someone being jealous of you.

[Amira4210]

Thank you so much for your response, I am desperate for someone's insight on this, i would never want to accuse anyone of being jealous of me especailly bc I don't thin there is anything here for anyone to be jealous of, you know? I just wanted a second oponion before making fasle assumptions. Thanks again!

[blueyedgrl85]

I agree with Love Ace. I also think your Aunt feels threatened by your relationship with your bf. He already has a daughter, so the three of you are (almost) like a family. She may feel that once you marry him, you will spend less time talking to her. You're almost like a daughter to her since her own sons are not really apart of her life.

 

I think your Aunt may be lonely as well. She is dependent on you and relies on you heavily. She is being petty and childish right now. It might help to do your own thing for a while. Once enough time has passed, you could reach out to her and go to lunch. (Meet on neutral territory.) You can then get to the bottom of what the real problem is, and if she doesn't want to, it may simply be better to invest your time in other family members or friends who lift you up in life, not bring you down. Take care!

[green_tea]

I disagree with the other answers. You say you despise her, yet you want to remain friends with her. Sorry but those two things just don't go together. It seems to me like your aunt has finally realised what a low opinion you have of her, and decided to distance herself from you in order to not feel hurt. That day that you snapped at her for asking about your "every move" - how do you think she felt hearing you say that? Did you ever apologise? I don't think she is jealous of you, it sounds to me like she might be lonely and likes to hear all about your life to fill that gap. I don't know why you want to reconcile with a person that you say you despise - and why would she want to be around you anymore?

[Amira4210]

Green Tea...thats a different perspective, I never thought about that! You could be right, but we've had these conversations about how i feel about her, and she never confronts s me about any of it, she just acts like she doesn't care. Either way, that does not explain how she doesn't even say hi to me if we are in the same room, its getting to the point where its just uncomfortable being around each other at family functions! And she has had it out with other family members but a week later acts as if everything was ok! I don't understand why we can't be civil about all this, we don't have to be best friends, but we can be at least civil and normal around each other!

[green_tea]

Acting like she doesn't care could be her way of coping with it. It's easier to pretend to yourself that something doesn't matter rather than admit that you feel hurt. She most probably thought that you looked up to her, and now to realise that you actually think quite badly of her has probably come as quite a shock to her.

[Amira4210]

Green Tea........what is making you think that she feels so despised and disrespected! We've def had it out, where we told each other "i don't think you should be doing this" etc. but i don't any two really close ppl don't do that with each other! She is a very prideful person, and I know she won't show any weakness at all or show that she is hurting. Thats just how she is. I also have a lot of pride and its really hard for me to apologize or approach anyone in a fight, but I have done that with her, knowing that family is more important then pride, and that pride has been nothing but poison up to this point. So I tried calling her and inviting her out, I even cried on the phone bc of the things that i repeated to her (that my mom said to her about me), she seemed completely cold and distant, i was sincere and honest with her, but she wasn't having it, mind you, this is so not like her, we are usually really soft when it comes to each other, but now for some reason, she is just being a cold bitch!!! I feel like she's not even willing to meet me half way after trying to call her and contact her several times!

[green_tea]

Sorry for taking so long to respond back, I've been travelling...finally home.

 

To answer your question as to why I think she feels "despised and disrespected" - you said this yourself in your original post, that that was how you felt about her, and it was clear that you have a low opinion of her, particularly about how she used her children - which I happen to agree with you is a terrible thing to do. I too would lose all respect for someone who did something like that. I know you want her to just be civil with you at family gatherings, but if I was you I honestly wouldn't bother anymore.

 

You say most people have disagreements, and that is true, but when you start using words like "despise" then I think that is going a bit too far to get over. I know I certainly wouldn't remain friends with anyone who thought that of me.