Al Posted July 31, 2003 Posted July 31, 2003 Okay, I need advice fast on how to help a friend. A very close girlfriend of mine met a guy almost a year ago while we were all on a girl's weekend out of town. We they ended up dating and now this guy lives with her back in our town. She is madly in love with this guy and we all thought he felt the same until recently. I know my friend wants to spend the rest of her life with this guy and has never been so happy. Unfortunately, another friend of mine heard that this guy has been cheating as far as sleeping with someone else when he goes out during the week. You see his girlfriend works 3rd shift so she can't go out during the week with him. Bits and pieces of information are starting to come out from other people now which leads me to think the cheating story is true. How do I deal with this information? Do I confront this guy first or should I tell my friend what I've heard? I do live in a small town and people live on gossip there but even my boyfriend has said this guy has been acting different lately and he has seen him socializing with the girl he's supposed been cheating with. I know this is absolutely going to crush my friend but something must be done. Who should I turn to?
midori Posted July 31, 2003 Posted July 31, 2003 Thankfully I've never been on either side of the situation you've described, but I think that if I were your friend I'd want to know. Others who have been in your shoes might disagree (and I hope they'll chime in with their experiences) but I think you ought to tell your friend that you've heard some rumors recently. If you broach the subject not seeking to convince your friend of her bf's infidelity but simply to inform her of the rumors you and your bf have heard, you can perhaps minimize the damage to your friendship that bringing it up might cause. You know, just say, "Ellen, I've heard some troubling things about Bob lately and I think you ought to hear them, even though I really don't like to bring them up. I don't know if they're true, I hope they're not in fact. I don't know what to think to be honest. But you have the right to know what people are saying, and they're saying ...." Maybe she's already suspicious and hasn't brought it up with anyone out of shame or doubt. Maybe she's really clueless about what he's up to. Impossible to guess until you bring it up with her. At first she might be grateful, dumbfounded, angry, defensive, and/or incredulous. Plus any number of other reactions. Let her react as she will; your sole job will be to deliver the information in a calm and unbiased way, with the underlying message that your loyalty is to her and you will be supportive in whatever way she needs. Wow, I don't envy you. I'd hate to have to be the bearer of such bad tidings. But imagine how much worse you'd feel if you were betrayed by your bf, and your friends knew about it but they didn't tell you. Good luck.
Tony T Posted July 31, 2003 Posted July 31, 2003 Excellent advice from midori. I can't believe this guy would try to pull something like this off in a SMALL town filled with BIG mouths. I certainly hope it's not true. If it is, not only will your girlfriend be getting rid of an unfaithful bxstard but a stupid one as well. Be sure to read midori's post several times before you do anything. Everything she wrote is right on target.
Author Al Posted August 1, 2003 Author Posted August 1, 2003 Well through some simple investigating last night, we found out that my friend's boyfriend left the bar with a bunch of girl's to go skinny dipping and the deed happened at this lake. We have a little girl's get together planned for tonight anyways, so we are going to sit down and talk with her then. Thank you for the advice on how to deal with this. I think this is one of the worst things I've ever had to do as a friend but we know that it has to be done.
Author Al Posted August 4, 2003 Author Posted August 4, 2003 Well we called the boyfriend and told him that if he didn't tell my friend what happened, that we were going to. He did admit that he went skinny dipping with this girl and that they kissed but he said that he did not sleep with her even though she says that they did. I talked to my friend yesterday and she had made up her mind to kick him out because she could never trust him again. Well I find out this morning, that he is trying to convince her to give him another chance, and how he was drunk and it won't happen again, blah blah blah. But what's even worse is he's trying to tell her that her friends just want to be single like they are (all of us are but me) which is completely not the case. Before he even admitted to her what he says happened, he listed all the things she's done wrong like talking to other guys and wearing thong underwear on a girl's weekend. Now she feels that she may have caused this whole incident and is thinking about giving him another chance. How can we convince her that he deserved better than a life filled with distrust and no friends?
midori Posted August 4, 2003 Posted August 4, 2003 I hate to say it but I think you played your cards wrong. As I suggested in my earlier post, I think you would have been serving your friend best by sharing with her the info you had heard in an unbiased way. Telling the bf to fess up to your friend a) assumed his guilt, which you weren't really in a position to do, and b) gave him time to think of a strategy for how to deal with the situation. I maintain that it is not your job to convince your friend of anything regarding her relationship with her boyfriend. It sounds like you all are strongly advocating that she break up with her bf, and I'm sure you mean well in doing so. But she's obviously not convinced, and I think it would be a mistake to push her. If she's willing to buy his song and dance, if she's willing to accept his contention that she drove him to it, then that's where she is at. Willing to turn a blind eye to the truth? Possibly, yes. Her choice. It's also possible that there's more to the story than you actually know. It seems to me that being her friend at this point means listening to her, giving your frank opinion when asked, and not seeking to convince her of anything. She's got to come into her own understanding of the situation. Breaking up with her bf because her friends think it's the right thing to do is not a good idea. If she's going to break up with him it needs to be because she thinks it's for the best. If she feels like you are absolutely convinced that she must break up with her bf ASAP, chances are she'll just withdraw from you so as to avoid feeling uncomfortable around you. You let her know what's going on. The rest is up to her. You have to decide if you can be her friend, and be supportive even if you don't approve of her decisions.
cliche_boy Posted August 7, 2003 Posted August 7, 2003 way to break up a relationship Al and cause maximum pain and its all legal. You woulda been punished in another country, but we only have laws against phisical and financial pain.
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