Need to mend a social blunder!

[lonelyone]

Hello! I need some advice, pretty please!

 

I made a royal social blunder to a friend of mine the other evening. His name is Jay. I told Jay he looks like a certain good-looking politician. Jay did not seem amused, even though he attempted to be good natured.

 

I was troubled by his un-amused reaction, so the next day, I Googled the politician, and it turns out he is gay, and had been accused of having sex with an under age male in his earlier years.

 

Anyway, I could email Jay and explain that, at the time I told him he looked like the politician, I hadn't known about the politician's private life. But there are two downsides to this: 1) Emailing Jay, after three days, to apologize, will make me seem pretty insecure, especially if he's forgotten about it already, and 2) If I tell Jay I didn't know the politician was gay and involved in a scandal, he will think I'm pretty ignorant for not even knowing something that has been all over the news!

 

So in all of your opinions, should I email Jay and explain things, or should I leave well enough alone?

[Ronni_W]

I think it probably needs a phone call, not an email or text or Facebook message.

 

I'd suggest some version of, "After I thought about it, it seems like maybe I didn't succeed at trying to compliment on you on being good looking the other day. Did I screw up, or am I just letting my imagination run away with me now?"

 

Your concerned follow-up will make you seem caring not "insecure". And who cares if you're not up on all the mindless drivel about who is sleeping with whom, or who is gay?

In any case, your friendship is likely more important to you than not wanting to admit that you don't know every single piece of gossip or news that is out there. Isn't it?

[Peaceful Guy]

yeah, its okay if your friend thinks its silly that you're apologizing for something three days later.. it think anyone would not only appreciate the caring gesture, but that you weren't implying anything other than "you look good enough to be famous"!

[TaraMaiden]

In my opinion?

Just let it go.

Don't keep this one scratching, like picking at a scab...

 

Forget it happened, but if Jay brings it up again, or says something like "Ya know you kinda offended me when you compared me to *Politico pervertio*...."

Ask him why exactly.

 

If he tells you that it's because of this guy's shady past, just say,

"Yes, I think you LOOK like him. I didn't say I thought you were like him!! Jeesh, it wasn't meant like that! get over it already! have you been thinking about this all this time? That was *Number of* days ago!

You sure hang on to irrelevant stuff!"

 

And try at least to look serious......

[lonelyone]

Thank you for all your replies, Ronni, Peaceful Guy, and TaraMaiden.

 

At this point, I'm leaning toward not emailing him, and not calling him either, unless I need to for a different reason.

 

Would not contacting him be okay, or do you feel the blunder was bad enough that if I don't explain myself, it could limit the friendship?

 

I know TaraMaiden said to let this on go...

[Green]

do you have a crush on this guy?

[Ronni_W]

Would not contacting him be okay, or do you feel the blunder was bad enough that if I don't explain myself, it could limit the friendship?

Quite honestly, it does not seem like such a fatal "blunder" to me...especially not if yours is a strong, supportive friendship based on understanding, acceptance, etc.

 

For me, the important piece is that YOU are feeling...'something' about the incident, and it's the kind of something that *could* niggle in the back of your brain and cause you to start "reading" his words and actions as if he is offended or pissed off...even though that might not be the case at all.

 

If you do decide to speak with him about it (which you don't have to, of course), realize that you'll be doing that as much for your own peace of mind and to ensure that you don't start projecting your own feelings of embarrassment/guilt/whatever onto the friendship.

 

If you can forgive yourself and let it go within your own mind, then it won't be an issue on your side. If your friend brings it up, you can just let him know that your observation was intended as a compliment and, at the time, you didn't know anything about that particular politician's private life.

[Art_Critic]

In my opinion?

Just let it go.

 

I'm on this side...

 

Also..

Jay is a big boy.. and your friend.. he should know that you didn't mean to call him gay..

 

Chances are if you emailed him he would be like.. no biggie...

As he is already over it..

[Art_Critic]

do you have a crush on this guy?

 

Not if he is gay

 

It sounds like she likes the guy.. enough to care about how he feels about this..

[Peaceful Guy]

he should know that you didn't mean to call him gay..

 

"i didn't mean to call you black, i mean it!" .. "but, i am black!" :laugh:

[blueyedgrl85]

I don't think you should say or do anything because then the issue will be prolonged and dragged on and on.... If you move on from it and continue on with life, so will everyone else. Like Ronni said, if he brings it up or mentions it then you can explain it. Otherwise it's best to just let bygones be bygones.

[Tayla]

I think its appropriate to bring it up in a lite manner. Just touch base on his feedback. He'll let you know if it offended him. Not a fan of folks who dont like to be complimented on a person merely because they have same sex gender desires. Such folks as Angelina Jolie and Portia DeRossi are lovely ladies and it would not be an insult to be told that one looks like them. The avoidance technique works when someone is indifferent...It sure sounds like your not of that nature (thats a good thing!)

[lonelyone]

Thank you Ronni, Art Critic, Peaceful Guy, blueyedgrl, and Tayla. Once again, all of your input is much appreciated.

 

I went ahead and decided not to call or email Jay. Even those of you, who were advising that it would be okay to call him, made it clear that not calling him would be just fine too.