How do I talk to a player friend?

[Woggle]

This is not the neighbor who tried to break up my marriage but another guy who for all his issues actually gives me good advice on my marriage and likes my wife.

 

The issue I have is that I know he is pretty much treating a nice girl as a toy and she does not deserve this. I don't care if he wants to get his rocks off with married women or known man-eaters but he needs to leave this woman alone. He is treating her the way women treated him when he was a nice guy so he should know what it feels like.

[Peaceful Guy]

This is not the neighbor who tried to break up my marriage but another guy who for all his issues actually gives me good advice on my marriage and likes my wife.

 

The issue I have is that I know he is pretty much treating a nice girl as a toy and she does not deserve this. I don't care if he wants to get his rocks off with married women or known man-eaters but he needs to leave this woman alone. He is treating her the way women treated him when he was a nice guy so he should know what it feels like.

 

you can try being totally honest with him.. but it could mean the end of the friendship.. sometimes people just "don't want to hear it".. "especially not from you!" but, you're right.. he should know better.. you don't have much to lose by being totally honest and telling him how you feel.

[Peaceful Guy]

ah, he also might be talking about treating her like a toy because he doesn't want to appear vulnerable and believes other men when they act like they don't have feelings and its the appropriate attitude to get what you want without getting hurt.. but the unfortunate thing is that sometimes it works.. as in you become a person that treats other people poorly without any emotional investment..hope that's not the case.

Edited April 24, 2010 by Peaceful Guy
too vulgar

[Woggle]

ah, he also might be talking about treating her like a toy because he doesn't want to appear vulnerable and believes other men when they act like they don't have feelings and its the appropriate attitude to get what you want without getting hurt.. but the unfortunate thing is that sometimes it works.. as in you become a person that treats other people poorly without any emotional investment..hope that's not the case.

 

This is exactly how he feels and I understand perfectly where it comes from but I wish he would just dump this woman and not use her because she does not deserve it. I know he is sick and tired of being the nice guy and now that the tables have been turned he is drunk on the power but sometimes somebody does not deserve to be sucked into his game.

[Peaceful Guy]

This is exactly how he feels and I understand perfectly where it comes from but I wish he would just dump this woman and not use her because she does not deserve it. I know he is sick and tired of being the nice guy and now that the tables have been turned he is drunk on the power but sometimes somebody does not deserve to be sucked into his game.

 

no kidding. talk to him.

[Ronni_W]

I wish he would just dump this woman and not use her because she does not deserve it.

Have you considered expressing your concerns for her well-being to her? It's not like women aren't perfectly capable of making their own assessments and decisions, ya know?

 

But. What is your true investment, anyway? Is it that you might be called upon to have to 'downgrade' your respect and admiration for him? -- in which case you can, perhaps ought to, skew your conversation that way: "Hey dude, I don't want to have to lose you as a role model; my advice-giver and guru. So, change your ways with this one woman, wouldja? Please?"

 

Seems to me if you were really concerned about her, then you'd just take your concerns directly to her rather than dither about here trying to figure out what to say to him.

[Woggle]

Have you considered expressing your concerns for her well-being to her? It's not like women aren't perfectly capable of making their own assessments and decisions, ya know?

 

But. What is your true investment, anyway? Is it that you might be called upon to have to 'downgrade' your respect and admiration for him? -- in which case you can, perhaps ought to, skew your conversation that way: "Hey dude, I don't want to have to lose you as a role model; my advice-giver and guru. So, change your ways with this one woman, wouldja? Please?"

 

Seems to me if you were really concerned about her, then you'd just take your concerns directly to her rather than dither about here trying to figure out what to say to him.

 

He might take that as a betrayal and though I do not approve of what he is doing he is somebody that looked out for me and was there at my lowest point. I probably would have been homeless for a while if he did not help me out when I was younger so I feel like I do owe him. I understand how a guy can get tired of always being the nice guy and getting walked all over but I wish I could convince him to just cut her loose and stick to messing with women who are just as sleazy as he is.

 

Maybe I should go to her but I know it would create friction between us.

[Ronni_W]

So basically. You want to "protect" her...and him...and your relationship with him...and your relationship with her?

 

Does all of that sound even remotely possible for you to be able to do?

 

IMHO, you're going to have to choose. Or stop worrying about it.

Cos, quite frankly, none of it is any of your rightful business. The lady is going to have to face the consequences of her own bad choices and decisions...just like you and me. That is the way the Universe works and intends things to work.

[Ariadne]

I understand how a guy can get tired of always being the nice guy and getting walked all over but I wish I could convince him to just cut her loose

 

People have their own timings. You can't make these things change by talking.

[and.then.some]

Is he hyper sensitive? It doesn't have to be a grand show, like an intervention or anything. Just a simple, "Dude, Carrie's a nice girl. I'd hate to see her toyed with." I'd def keep my emotions on a leash when addressing it, as not to start an argument.

 

Sometimes people are taken back or a little insulted if the comment is unexpected, and they're not sure how they should process it. In most of my experiences, as long as you aren't judgmental and aggressive in your comments, and reassure the person, things should be okay. That doesn't mean he'll listen, but you have done your friendly duty.

[MSUE]

woggle I don't think it is your place to address this with him unless of course there is abuse involved

[Peaceful Guy]

Is he hyper sensitive? It doesn't have to be a grand show, like an intervention or anything. Just a simple, "Dude, Carrie's a nice girl. I'd hate to see her toyed with."..

 

good point! or, "i think you're being a jerk to Carrie." friends need to step in and tell the truth to eachother even if its not comfortable. "i don't think this is okay.." its not about passing judgement, its about honest open communication. even if it means you guys don't talk anymore its still being a friend. sometimes being a good friend means saying unpleasent or unpopular things and NOT going along with stuff if you're not cool with it.

[and.then.some]

sometimes being a good friend means saying unpleasent or unpopular things and NOT going along with stuff if you're not cool with it.

 

I agree that this is what good friends are for. They're not supposed to only cheer you on, but also express concern when they feel you might be going in the wrong direction. That's love.